


Believer

by Freyjasdottir



Series: Kashmir [2]
Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Angst, Animal Sacrifice, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fantasy, Human Sacrifice, Norwegian Mythology & Folklore, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Power Dynamics, Religion, Ritual Public Sex, Smut, Time Travel, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-07-13 17:38:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 101,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16022741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freyjasdottir/pseuds/Freyjasdottir
Summary: Aslaug and Bjorn rule Kattegat together, while Ragnhild takes care of the boys and her twins. Everyone is dealing with Ragnar's disappearance in their own way, while life goes on around them. Desires, fears, and secrets swirl around in Uppsala, and the gods are watching.





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is not necessary to read to follow the next installment of Kashmir, but it can serve as a summary if you don't feel like reading AGAN. It's mostly a way for me to stall posting the next installment, as the new season isn't airing yet and it might be a while until season 6 comes out. As you may have noticed I love foreshadowing, and that needs time to be done well.
> 
> Either way, enjoy! At any rate, this 9-piece will answer a lot of questions, and get you hyped for the next longfic-part!
> 
> Updates every Tuesday.

Uppsala was strange. As soon as we arrived, I felt a warmness pass over me. A calm, soothing breath of wind that made me close my eyes for a second. My packs weren't as heavy, my feet not as tired, and the warmth no longer felt suffocating. Sweden was somehow different from Norway. The closer we got to the temple, the more I felt like I was in some strange land, far away from home.

"Mom?" I looked down at Siggy, but my attention was still with the strange sensation. "Are we there yet?" Her curious green eyes seemed to notice something was going on with me, but she was too young to know what it was.

"This is where it begins. Can you feel it?" She had no idea what I was talking about. Her eyes went over the trees and the rocks, the bushes, the ledges we still had to face, seeing nothing out of the ordinary.

"We still have to pass over some hills," Helga said. I kept my silence and looked over my shoulder to see Bjorn help Thormund onto a ridge, lifting the boy up by his hand. He gave me a faint smile as he caught my eye. I knew what he was planning to do this week, and the more distant he acted, the more I was certain of it. He would break my heart somewhere this week. And still, I felt calm as we looked into each other's eyes, and a faint smile came to my face, as well.

"How was it last time?" Siggy asked, her voice rising as she got excited. She had listened to all the stories at least thrice, but none had come from me. "Did you see any gods? Floki says he saw Hildólfr last time, and Torstein said it was true, but that it was on another day."

"I've never been here before, but I know the gods are here. I can feel them." My skin felt like it was bursting with light, but I couldn't see a thing. Something inside of me recognized something, but that was impossible. I'd never been here before, not even in my own time. It must be the anticipation, going beyond the normal heart flutter. Siggy was starting to get me excited, too.

"Were you ill? Mom? Mom, I asked you something." I looked up, amazed with how upset she could look. It was like she learned something new every day, and it was hard for me to keep up with each thing.

"I wasn't here yet. This is my first opportunity to even go." Sometimes I wondered how she would react, if she knew where I was from. At her age she would probably think it was awesome and ask me all about it. I'd be like one of the warrior princesses she liked to hear about.

"But you're old," Siggy muttered. At five she should know better than to insult me, but my calm kept me from setting her straight. I was far from old by my own definition. I was convinced I would make it to eighty, at least.

"Don't you remember? I'm not from around here."

"Yeah, like Denmark…”

"It was a bit further than that, my little sweet pea." She skipped a few steps as she got bored. For all the wonder my origin held to most, to Siggy it was the most boring thing ever. It meant she had to go play outside when strangers came to visit.

"There are many sacrifices," Helga told her, drawing her attention back to the conversation. She doted on Siggy, loving her energy and fierce determination whenever she ran into an obstacle. To me, it mostly meant having to defend her behavior to whomever she had bothered. "Goats, and cows, and owls..."

"And humans, right?" Her eyes darted up at me, knowing how much I was against sacrifices, to begin with. I couldn't handle seeing too much blood.

"Yes, there will be humans, too. You've never seen a man die before. Are you nervous?" Helga made it sound like it was a great adventure. I was glad Siggy was born into this and had learned about the gods from more people than just me. After all these years I still had trouble watching someone die, despite the lingering, soft urge to kill a few of them, myself.

"A little... Who will we pick?" The decision fell to our leader, and since Aslaug and Bjorn ruled together, it had been the subject of heated debate. Their fights on this had been one of the few I didn’t want to get involved in, but if I had to judge by Bjorn’s behavior on the way over, he had won.

"Your father knows better than to tell me up front," I reminded her. "Whoever it is, I miss him already."

"Is it one of my brothers?" An invisible dagger was plunged into my heart. Kol...

"It is very unlikely one of the sons of Ragnar will be chosen," Helga said as she put a hand on the small of my back. She knew it made me feel comforted, and strong. "And what do you imagine your mother will do when Thormund is chosen?"

"She'd burn down the temple." I smiled at her deadpan tone. She knew me all too well in that regard. Whenever she screwed up I would defend her like a bear would her cub, only to chide her in private. No one would ever hurt my babies.

"The fire would be the least of their concerns," I promised her. I suppressed a part of me that wanted to imagine how I would slice through those responsible with one of their ritual swords. "You can ask your father if you want to know, but please don't tell me if you do." Siggy hesitated, sucking her lips in, then stopped walking so Thormund and Bjorn would catch up with her. She was eager to find out.

"It's so hard to imagine how it was last time, without you here," Helga mused. "And to have so many other people missing." I had heard. Ragnar, Rollo, Athelstan, Siggy, even some faces from before I made it to Kattegat. A man called Leif was often spoken of when it came to Uppsala, he had chosen to be sacrificed nine years ago. Floki and Torstein had grown nostalgic over him as we approached Uppsala, as they did over the rest of Ragnar’s warband, as they liked to call themselves.

"You do realize I'll be a bit of a bore, right? I don't plan on joining many of the festivities." If anything, this was my vacation, the first one in nine years. There would no doubt be some meetings I would have to attend, and some people would want to ask me for advice, but there would be plenty of time for me to relax and enjoy the sun.

"I have a feeling you'll manage to surprise us." Helga's smile made me want to return one. She was so certain of things like this for reasons I couldn't understand. It was one of the things I admired about her. She had gone through her own share of hardships, but somehow she always managed to keep her head up. I didn't know how she did it, or how anyone thought to doubt her strength. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked, turning my head to face her. She made it sound like this week and a half would be some sort of religious awakening to me.

"It will be intense. I remember how it was for Athelstan, he came here as a foreigner as well."

"I can handle intense. I know what to expect.” Athelstan had told me about the festival to try and teach me about the gods and the culture, but he had made it sound like a drug-induced trip that lasted nine days. It hadn’t helped me feel at ease about where I had ended up. Thinking back to his words now, they made a lot more sense.

"If you say so," Helga said in that annoying way that told me she thought I was wrong. I let it slide, not wanting to start a fight. There was still some of the light left inside my skin, and it made me feel good about myself, despite the brief relapse into the frenzy. Good things would happen in the coming days, and I wouldn't let anyone spoil it for me. Not even Aslaug would be able to get under my skin.

She and Ivar had traveled by boat, relieving much of our need to haul things on our backs. The sacrifices had traveled with them, as had most of the supplies. Bjorn had insisted on keeping to the tradition of the pilgrimage as soon as we hit Swedish land, even though he did have us sail past Denmark to shave off a few days. When I asked, he said he didn't want the twins to get worn out before we got there, and I had laughed. The twins were a handful, we'd sooner run out of energy ourselves.

Most of all, it had been a welcome reprieve of seeing Aslaug almost every day. It did wonders for my mood, making it easy to enjoy myself as we made our way here... Even though I still avoided Bjorn for at least half of it. Five days by boat, then ten days of hard trekking... And four of those days had been filled with anxious looks over my shoulder every time I lifted my skirts.

As much as Bjorn and I were happy again, some things he couldn't understand, or simply refused to hear about. Two days into the trek I hadn't wanted to wake up. I didn't want to eat, or tell stories, or sing, or do anything. My mood had been working up to it for days, but it still hit me hard when the day had come.

Floki had comforted me, as had Helga, but Bjorn chose to distract the twins, to leave me to my sulking. It was like we never lost a child to begin with, judging by the way he had chosen to interact with the twins. To me, three years felt like three days. It had been Floki and Helga that had pulled me out of my furs, sensing what I needed, as they had taken care of me oftentimes before. They knew when I was serious about wanting to be left alone, and when it meant I needed to have someone around me in silence.

The truth I had come to accept was that everything would be fine. Even though so many people weren't here with us now, we'd be fine. Kattegat was growing, ever since Ragnar had left and Bjorn was forced to take over. The twins were eager to start training, Ubbe would probably go raiding for the first time after we got back, just a quick one to get the bloodlust out of the men's systems. I'd stay home, with the children... 

Bjorn would feel the blood of his enemies spatter over his face, see the fear in their eyes as they knew they would die. Oh, to be there, see the grass turning red, feel the warmth of their blood on my skin… How it would feel running down my fingers, and shine brightly on the edge of my sword… I could barely keep in a soft moan, swallowing hard to push back the murderous intent lingering inside of me. It would disappear, after Aslaug died. This was vengeance burning inside of me, not random bloodlust. It was different, I wasn’t as helbent on death and destruction as those around me. I wasn’t born a Viking, I was more sophisticated than them.

As we made our way to the valley where the longhouses were situated, I remembered how much I owed my friends. Especially that first year... First as I mourned Kol, then as I mourned Ragnar's leave, wanting to do better every day as I tried to get back to my old flow. Things were finally well again, even Aslaug believed we could make it through after those first hard years, but then... It felt like everything had changed.

"Aslaug," I called out as I entered the longhouse where she had decided to stake her claim. They had arrived here four days before, leaving them to pick the best house, in the center of the festival. The servants had done their best to get it cleaned out to her standards. "I see you've kept busy."

"Ragnhild," she replied with a smile as she gave me a quick hug. "I've secured the adjacent house for you and Bjorn." Instantly my jaw clenched, but she pretended not to notice. With the children running around I didn't want to yell at her, but I imagined that was what she was counting on. I wouldn't let this slip.

"That's funny," I whispered as I stood close to her, "I thought we had agreed to show a united front." I threw my packs on the floor, feeling myself rise up as I dropped the weight. "Especially with Harald here as well. You do remember we're in a fragile state, don't you? We've fought about this plenty back home."

"Holding two houses will display more power,” she insisted as she moved closer, trying to use her length against me.

"I will not have this discussion with you again. This is not Götaland or Kattegat, and we are not at war. Stop acting like it." Bjorn walked past me, he must have read the room as he entered.

"How nice of you, Aslaug, to have the servants clean the whole place up." He kept walking and threw his stuff on the largest bed in the house. It was clear Aslaug had slept there, up until now. It was set against the back wall, with plenty of room to put up screens that were already provided. There were two other double beds, the others were cots placed against the wall, in rows of two. To my left was a huge dining table that put the one we had at home to shame, but it was easy to see where Bjorn had gotten his inspiration when he had made it.

He had been seventeen when he was last here, too young to fully enjoy everything the festival had to offer. He had still been living with Lagertha back then, in Ribe. His life had completely changed since then, he had come so far that I couldn't feel anything but pride when I saw him stake his claim. 

Aslaug couldn't go against him without declaring a fight against us. And of course, Bjorn and I deserved the biggest bed, if only because it was two of us and only one of her. Having Ivar adjoined to her hip didn't count for anything.

We settled in and took a few minutes to rinse off the worst of the dirt from the road before we headed over to the temple for our blessing. Depending on when Harald arrived the festival could already be underway. It was always hard to tell who would be chosen when as the one to officiate the sacrifices, and thus when the festival would begin. In general, it was safe to assume the summer solstice fell somewhere on the last day, I'd been told. We'd made it in time for all, if not most of the festivities.

It took a few minutes per group of four to five people to be properly blessed. A gust of wind made the torches flicker, a cool breeze blowing through the temple. The air was sweet with summer and excitement. Slowly we made our way towards the priests, Bjorn, me and the twins first. One by one Bjorn, the twins, and I would be blessed, before Aslaug and her sons. Whatever power struggle she wanted to keep up in Kattegat, it had better stay there.

As I sank to my knees, I felt myself calm down again. The gods were watching, and they drew my attention away from my mortal worries and problems. I was hoping to find some answers here, the kind only they could give me. The steady chanting of the priest felt like a soft, gentle reminder of what really mattered. Aslaug’s power struggle receded to the back of my mind.

"Praise to Odin, and Thor, and Freyr..." I looked up as the priest fell silent. He'd spattered the rest of my family but seemed reluctant to bless me. His face turned into a frown, then he looked back to the other priests. Two others made to stand beside him, causing a murmur behind me. I kept my eyes on the priest, daring him to deny me the blessing.

"If you would come with us, please..." The priest extended his hand to me, handing off his bowl with blood to an underling. I didn't want to cause a scene, not in front of everyone dying to find out what the holdup was. As I took his hand, he helped me up and ushered me away from my family and friends. Only when we were deep inside the temple did the priest turn around, falling to his knees in front of me.

"Vessel of Freyja, please forgive us. Will you please bless this gathering, and officiate the ceremonies?" This was not what I had expected, at all. I had thought to get some sort of questioning, or a test, since I was a convert. That's what happened with Athelstan, why would they even think this was something I wanted? 

My eyes sought the room for an answer, but aside from a statue dedicated to Yngvi, the son of Odin that all the kings from Sweden were descendent from, they found nothing. This must have been the legendary room where the officiators were brought to when they needed to prepare for their duties. Then why was I here?

"I'm not sure what you mean," I said. The man raised his head, pleading eyes looking up at mine. 

"Will you not want the honor of officiating? Is that not why you are here?" I had heard enough stories to know what that would mean. I would have to sacrifice animals, on two separate occasions. That much blood surrounding me... I would lose control and get killed myself. The whole festival would be filled with important meetings, and people wanting to speak to me - I had hoped to funnel all those who would seek my help into one day and then be done with it, I had no desire to be responsible for the gods favoring the Viking for the coming nine years.

He must have asked me because I was the Vessel. Somewhere along the way it had gotten normal for me, but to the priest, I must have been a miracle. The way his eyes shone, it was like I was telling Hvitserk a new story. This priest believed I would be the one to guide everyone here, as if it didn’t matter I was a woman.

"I am but a mortal, and a woman. I'm more than a little surprised, I must say..." I didn’t know what else to say. This wasn’t even supposed to be possible, there had never been a female officiator before. Not that Aslaug hadn't hoped to be asked...

"But... You're the Vessel... If anyone here hopes to be favored by the gods, it's you. Freyja speaks to you, she helps all those men and women that seek out your help. Surely, she would want you to preside over the celebrations, hasn't she mentioned it?" There was so much wrong with his idea of a vessel that I almost started to snicker.

"You do realize that this is my first time being here? Have you not heard that I wasn't born here? That I came here only nine years ago, and knew neither language nor faith?" The priest cocked his head, he must have realized his mistake.

"Your tale is well known. You arrived here on Valisblot, dressed in a thick fog. Ragnar took you in and rewarded you for saving his son's life, you were given a house and then you won the heart of Bjorn Ironside. It is said you couldn't possibly repay the kindness shown to you by Ragnar, so in return, you vouched to help his people thrive. But that is not what matters here. Ragnar should have brought you here, that year. As an earl, he should have made an appearance, especially if he had met you." He made it sound like the gods were angry at Ragnar for neglecting to pay homage to the priests, instead of the gods.

"He was unaware of it then, as was I. I knew of my markings, but I hid them. I don't think Freyja wants me here to officiate."

"Do you think so, or do you know so?" My eyes narrowed at his words, he had never heard me speak them, but they had come from my mouth frequently as the boys grew into adults. It meant they had to be wary of their assumptions and rushing into things headlong., but now it was said as if I should be willing to take a gamble every once in a while.

"What makes you say that?"

"The signs of the gods are not always as clear as they should be. Are we not all mortals, and are the gods not fallible?” I took a deep breath, holding back from rolling my eyes. 

“I know that I am not meant to officiate the festival, not this time at least. If you are looking for a king to perform the sacrifices, might I suggest my husband?"

"Bjorn Ironside? He is no king, his father is." And now the rules suddenly mattered? The priest’s eyes were wide with surprise at the mere suggestion. They would have gone for Harald, or Lars. Bjorn was gathering fame, but it wasn’t enough to get out from under his father’s shadow just yet. Even here, Ragnar’s presence lingered in everything we did. The only thing it topped was his disappearance.

"Ragnar has been gone for three years. No one has heard from him or even seen him. My husband deserves the honor, as he has led our people ever since the failed raid on Paris."

"But... If you refuse, that honor goes to the strongest man here." The most powerful, he meant. They tended to favor the Swedes, but last time, it had been Horik that received the honor.

"And who do you suppose that would be? Harald, who has lands smaller than ours? Or Lars, who is fighting a losing war? He has traitors amongst his ranks, and I will count it a miracle if he survives the summer. Bjorn Ironside has me by his side, and thus the blessing of the gods. He is the one." I gave him a look that asked him to dare oppose me.

"But he is not a king..."

"He is the strongest man here. So strong, even, that he does not need the official title. He has the sword, though, and our people follow him. If you do as I recommend, this festival will be remembered for generations." I had no idea what came over me, but the confidence I had in Bjorn shone through in my voice.

"Then will you bless the festival if I agree?" My eyes narrowed. This wasn't supposed to be a threat, although I could see how it might be taken for one.

"You have my blessing either way. I just ask you to look beyond the mortal views, and see the world as the gods do."

"That, alas, is beyond my power." I took in a deep breath, then sank to my knees. As the priest no longer had to look up, I saw his face was overflowing with questions.

"What is your name?" I asked.

"I have no name."

"What do you call yourself?"

"I am a priest, I am only ever called on by the gods." A failed Ulfhednar, he meant. There were no priests here as the Christians had, just those who could make a living as a berserker, and those who remained here, to teach those who were strong enough, and tended to the temple and the gods.

"I can't ask the gods to bless you if I don't know who they should bless. There's power in a name, even old and forgotten ones." The man hesitated, his eyes growing wistful as he remembered.

"Arne. My mother called me Arne."

"Arne..." I put a hand on his bald head, careful not to smudge his kohl. "You have dedicated your life to the gods, and they have taken note. There's little to bless you with. You are healthy and wise, and strive to serve the gods to the best of your abilities. You may not own much, but you are a rich man, rich as any king. There is little for you to fear, or doubt." The man seemed as unsure as I felt about my words. "Keep true to the gods, and yourself. The gods have already blessed you. There is no need to dilute their many blessings with mine." I placed a kiss on his head, then got up. The priest followed my lead and stood up straight, then carefully took my hand and licked the palm. I resisted the urge to wipe it off.

"You are a Vessel indeed if you can see through their eyes. Thank you for your words, and your wisdom. Allow me to bring you back to the main temple, so you may speak to the gods yourself." After a curt nod from me, he led the way back past the wooden walls.

I had gotten used to people loving the smell of my farts, and as long as I steered clear from big proclamations I was fine. People often felt like they had to use their chance to talk to me, while they didn't really have a problem. All they wanted was to hear how well they were doing, or ask if the gods had forgiven them for their minor infractions. In that regard, these pagans were a breath of fresh air. The gods saw and heard all, so there was no use being dishonest.

Bjorn was waiting for me, wanting to know what me being spirited away was all about. As he put his arms around me I kissed him on the lips. He wore a pleasant smile when we broke off our kiss, it had been a while since I had kissed him for apparently no reason. His eyes turned to the priest then, hoping to learn more.

"Bjorn Ironside. Might I have a word?" I smiled, knowing what the priest would want to ask.

"I'll see you in a bit." I squeezed his arm shortly, then watched him cast me a curious glance before he went into the same corridor I had come out of. I turned to the giant wooden statues depicting the gods, taking a deep breath to brace myself.

After my short rendezvous with the priest, I was stared at. People let me cut in front, reverence in their eyes. I could make my way to Freyr immediately, and as was customary I touched his image. A leg though, not the huge penis that jutted out towards me. It was near as big as I was, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

"Freyr..." I could almost hear the people behind me straining their neck to hear. I switched to Dutch to keep it private. "I suppose I've been calling myself your niece for quite some years now. I hope you don't mind. You've given so much to Kattegat. I just wanted to thank you for all that you've done. There is little I could ask for, so I'll just use this time to pray for those who couldn't make it themselves. There's a woman back home who is going through a tough time. She really needs her next harvest to succeed. Her name is Sigrunn. I'm sure you would like her, she always takes care of others and their luck, just like you. And Thorfan, one of our warriors, he can't go raiding anymore. He's been a wonderful help to the town, and to Bjorn. Could you please make sure he finds a new way to find meaning in his life? He is desperate to get to Valhalla and join his friends there. And I know they're all here, but please take care of my family. They are my world. It's selfish, but I ask you to keep them safe. All of them will be in more danger than I ever will be, and they need someone to take care of them when I'm not around. If anyone can, it's you." I let out a deep breath, then took my leave, making place for the next one in line. I continued onwards to Thor and didn't have to wait long. His statue was by far most impressive.

I touched his hammer lightly, feeling the centuries of wear it had gone through. Mjöllnir was a thing of beauty.

"I thought I knew you, once upon a time. You were blond and handsome, and a son of Frigg. It was so strange to learn how wrong that was. You're not vain, or dumb, or ignorant of Midgard. In fact - you're what I used to dream of when I thought of how I wanted my father to be. You're strong, but gentle when it is needed, loyal, and kind. I feel awful for wanting to ask you for anything at all, after all that you've done for me and my family. Will you please make sure my children will grow up strong? All of them. All six. I do my best to instill them with respect for those around them, and those that are different, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing too good a job. They need to be fierce as well. They need to be Viking. I can't teach them all they need to know by myself. Please watch over them."

I felt a heaviness surrounding my heart as I walked away past the stepping stones. Only one remained, and I knew what I needed to say. Odin wouldn't know what hit him. The twins were already done, as were the boys. Aslaug took off with Ivar as she saw me heading for the last statue, and I gave them a smile as I graciously accepted the offer of those still in line to go next. I knew better than to reject the offers, it would be a sign of weakness from my side, as well as an insult to those who offered, as it meant I thought their offer beneath me. 

Odin’s image was impressive but did not strike me as more special as those of Freyr and Thor. His features were hidden behind a mask, his eyes no more than slits and his nose not even visible. I kept my voice pleasant as I touched his foot, but my words were daggers.

"You sick fucking bastard. Are you a complete sociopath? I came here to change the future, to prevent the downfall of the Viking, and aside from Paris, I did nothing. Was that it? Was that all that was required to stave off disaster? You have the sly one for coming up with new inventions, there's no need to drag me across time to do so. What is my destiny? Why am I here? I have questions only you seem to be able to answer, and I'm running low on patience. You supposedly know all. Why don't you tell me? Why did you let me become barren? Do you not notice the pain in Bjorn's eyes whenever he sees a pregnant woman? I am losing him, and it's all over some prophecies our supposed Queen had. First to get me here, and then to have me lose my son. Have you no idea what it's like to be mortal and lose the very ground you stand on? Because I still remember. I remember so very well. It's like a spear to the side, I imagine. Don't make me lose Bjorn. I'm trying my damnedest, but I need your help. I need you, you hear me?" I shook my head at my own desperation, not knowing if I should laugh or cry. I took my leave, seeing questioning looks as to what I'd said. I was done right on time, as Bjorn came back from his talk with the priest. His eyes narrowed as he saw me, but there was a slight smile with it, making me sure as to what it was they had been talking about.

"Let's go back for now, and leave the others here to speak to the gods," I said as Bjorn joined us, and we headed out. He made sure to walk beside me.

"You have given me a great gift," he whispered, letting his hand slide over the small of my back as we kept walking. I kept my eyes forward, but I knew Bjorn saw the smile I was trying to hide.

"I saw an opening. He offered it to me, first."

"With some luck, we might be able to throw out Aslaug now," he grinned in Dutch. "Have the longhouse to ourselves."

"Small chance. Harald's coming if he's not here already." He would be sure to take the second most impressive longhouse, by gentle threat if he had to. After what he tried in Paris, he had been laying low where we were concerned. Bjorn had done fantastic, back then, but three years was a long time. After he had licked his wounds, Harald was back to trying to overthrow every king around, and my network had been abuzz ever since last fall.

"What? But I was certain... Just what did you tell that priest?" I'd told him what he needed to hear, but I couldn't very well tell that to Bjorn.

"I put your name forward, I didn't push him. It was his call to make. He must have given it a fair amount of consideration as well." Still, I knew Bjorn realized there was more to it. He knew I must have done something right.

On our way back we passed by Ivar and Aslaug, who slowly made their way. Ubbe and Hvitserk offered to carry him, but he said he was fine going slow. I could understand, there was a lot to see. In between the trees, all kinds of strange things were on display. People were already getting drunk, or worse. The twins ran up to all kinds of people to ask them silly questions, like where they kept the rope oil. Bjorn and I let them, as they weren't harming anyone. They would have to grow up before long, and I wanted them to remember this fondly.

"There's Ingolf," Bjorn said as he nodded his head to the right.

"That's him?" I walked off to the right instantly. Bjorn grabbed for my arm, but I was way too curious to find out more about this silent, curt stranger.

Ingolf was a slender man, with long, sleek hair, and no braids to speak of. His face was long, his hands were long, and - almost like a spider web. That explained why he was so freakishly tall, even for a Viking. He looked up as he saw me approach. I was lucky to reach up to the start of his rib cage, it seemed.

"Ironside," he said with a nod.

"Ingolf. This is my wife, she couldn't wait to meet you."

"Ragnhild," I offered, causing him to nod. This was amazing. He didn't say a fucking syllable if he didn't have to. No wonder, with teeth that crooked. "Bjorn promised me you'd be taller. I feel cheated." Ingolf snorted, then walked off.

"He likes you," Bjorn told me. "Now let's get out before Sigfrid shows up." I wanted to avoid him as well, if at all possible. Earl Sigfrid had the annoying tendency to think himself wiser than anyone younger than him, and unfortunately, Bjorn and I both fit that bill.

We continued, trailing after the boys. The twins had slowed down a bit as well, preferring to stay within sight as they ran all over the place.

"Should we introduce them to some of the others?" I asked. Bjorn thought about it for a few seconds.

"I'm not sure. Why are you asking?"

"Because it can't hurt to have them win over a few hearts."

"They could very well insult a few good allies as well." Bjorn was right. They were still blissfully unaware of what awaited them in a few years. And yet...

"Would it... They will... You know." Bjorn didn't know what I meant. At all.

"Maybe try a full sentence?"

"Well, I mean, how would we introduce them?" He understood now. I wanted to know if we would introduce them as his heirs. Thereby claiming the kingdom for himself.

"As our children, I imagine." He either didn't want to discuss this in public or didn't want to rip open a barely closed wound with Aslaug if she found out. Or it could be he was blown away by my directness on the subject.

"Bjorn!" We looked up to the left, seeing a portly man approach. Earl Waldemar. He'd been losing weight recently, and it showed. "Ironside, what a delight!" He greeted Bjorn enthusiastically, then turned to me.

"Earl Waldemar, always a pleasure. You look well."

"And it's all mine, I assure you. Ragnhild, the envy of all the women here." He took my hand and kissed the knuckles. So far his behavior told me he saw Bjorn as the king of Kattegat, making me like him all the more.

"Yes, I'm very lucky to have snatched up Bjorn before anyone else did," I teased. Bjorn just shook his head.

"Dad! Catch me!" Bjorn barely caught Siggy before she faceplanted on the ground. She'd jumped up to him, knowing he would not let her fall to the ground. He held her to his side, smiling at her antics. "Who's this?" Siggy took in Waldemar as if she was trying to find a weak spot.

"This is earl Waldemar, from Sweden." Siggy held out her hand the same way I had, looking very dignified with her chin up in the air. Waldemar played along and kissed her on the fingers.

"It's an honor to finally meet," she said haughtily. "I am their firstborn, and my name is Siggy."

"You have your mother's grace and beauty," he assured her. She pouted a little, but before Waldemar could shoot me a glance, Thormund introduced himself as well.

"I'm the heir," he said in a whiny voice as he looked up at his sister. "My name is Thormund." Waldemar gave him a solid handshake, but as our son looked at me to see how he'd done his smile faded as I raised my eyebrow slightly. I put my hand on his shoulder to tell him I'd talk to him later. 

We'd spoken about how he was different from Siggy recently, but I had also told him to keep that to himself for the time being. It was one thing to explain the differences between boys and girls and what that meant for their future, but to have them proclaim their father as the rightful king was something different entirely.

"I'd like to discuss some trading opportunities if you have time." Waldemar suddenly turned serious, looking up at Bjorn. "Shall I come by tonight?"

"I'll be a bit busy tonight," he admitted. Waldemar's eyes flitted to me. "I've been chosen as the Officiator."

"Congratulations! Then let me be the first to offer you a drink in celebration, such an opportunity..." Waldemar pulled Bjorn along, and he didn't dare refuse the man. He had fought with Ragnar in Paris twice, and we owed him for that. I nodded at him as Bjorn looked back, then guided the twins further down the hill.

"What's an Officiator?" Thormund asked.

"It means your father is like the king of the festival," I said secretively. "He will be the one to sacrifice all of the animals and humans on the last day, and he will lead us into the new year. It's a huge honor to be asked, and it means the gods favor Kattegat and our family greatly." It also meant I would smell the blood coming from all the sacrifices… And as things stood, the new year celebration would be on the eighth day, and then on the last… Two days of suffering in a row meant I needed to get some rest before then.

"Then why did that priest take you away first?" Siggy might be innocent, but she was in no way dumb or blind. She knew how to ask the right questions.

"He wanted to meet me in person. He never met a vessel before, and he had heard a lot about me."

"Are you, like, famous? People have been staring at you ever since we got here."

"You know what? I actually am. It's very rare for a vessel of the gods to appear."

"So you're more important than dad?"

"Don't tell him I said so, but yes." I took more than a little pride in that. The gods trumped any king, at any time.

"Then why was that Waldosomething more interested in talking to dad?"

"Earl Waldemar. I am important to the gods, and everything that has to do with Freyja. I can't decide on what trade agreements will be beneficial to us like your father can. We both are important in different ways."

"But why did -" Siggy stopped asking questions as another familiar face popped up out of nowhere.

"Torvi!" I threw my arms around her, hugging her tight. "Gods, it's been ages! How have you been?" Aside from a one-time visit to Hedeby with Bjorn and the twins, I had only seen her once since she had spoken at the Thing.

"It's good to see you again. I got married to a man who died before the year was out. It's just me and Guthrum again, as it has always been." Only now I noticed the boy clutching to her skirts.

"Well, hello there." I bent down to take a closer look. He was barely seven, I remembered. "It's good to see you again."

"He looks like a pussy," Thormund snorted. I wanted to smack him, but before I could even turn around, the boy flung at my son and punched him in the face. Torvi and I had to do our best to contain a smile as we pulled them apart. The boys hadn't been very good at playing together when they met two years ago, either. I doubted if Thormund remembered.

"You should know better than to insult someone before you have introduced yourself," I chided.

"And you shouldn't attack someone just because they have a big mouth," Torvi told Guthrum.

"Boys," Siggy agreed, taking a firm tone. The boys shot her a dirty look, but it only made her like it more. They started to chase her, but she had a head start before they could even get a solid pace going.

"She'll tire them out in a bit," I promised Torvi. "Siggy is faster than all the other kids her age back home." With all the taunting she did to prove how manly she was, she had gotten fast quick.

"You seem awfully relaxed about them..." Back when I'd gone to visit I was still clutching onto the twins for dear life, thinking they would be taken away from me next.

"I've had time to heal. It was difficult... It still is. I don't like talking about it." I looked up, pushing aside the stirring feelings. "What about you?" Torvi's good mood died down as well. Her eyes fixated on the children.

"The gods blessed me, I have a son. He is healthy, he will live a long and healthy life." She thought she was barren, as well. It hurt, though it wasn't a surprise. It had been foolish to take more tea, despite my warnings. The gods had made their decision, and more help from me would go against them. I wouldn’t bless her, even if she 

"Who knows what the gods have in store for us," I said, trying to cheer her up.

"I liked you better when you were depressed." I didn't know how to respond, until Torvi bumped into me with her shoulder and smiled. "Back then I didn't need to ask if you felt like drinking during the day."

"Back then I didn't have to keep up appearances," I countered, luring her in with a poorly hidden smile. "Bjorn got chosen to officiate."

"Oh, congratulations," she said as she fell into my arms. "I'm thrilled to hear you two are doing so well, you've been through enough." A painful smile came to my face, one I had trouble hiding when she let go of me.

"It's been hard," I said, mostly to provide a cover for my pained look. Torvi saw through it with ease.

"Who knows what the gods have in store for us yet," she teased, turning my smile genuine. "I have to get going, but I'm sure we'll spend plenty of time together these coming days." She called over Guthrum, who loathed to give up the chase. The twins came back as well, even though Siggy was a bit skittish when she walked back.

"We'll see you around," I said with a last hug, then I herded the children back towards the longhouse. "Did you have fun playing with Guthrum?"

"Why did that priest talk to you before he talked to dad?" Siggy asked. I blinked a few times, then I remembered what we had been talking about before Torvi had walked past.

"Yeah, and why did it take so much longer with dad than it did with you?" Thormund added.

"Well, I err... The priest wanted to ask me for advice, and he hoped I would bless the festival. And then he wanted to ask your father if he would do the honors."

"So you told them to ask dad?" Thormund asked.

"I told them that they should choose the strongest man here, and not focus on titles too much. You know that your grandfather is still king, but that doesn't mean Bjorn is incapable of being the strongest man here. I asked the priest to see things through the eyes of the gods, and not just his mortal ones."

"Siggy, look!" Thormund pulled her with him as he pointed at a fire-breather. "Mom, can we go look?"

"Do you remember the way back to where we sleep?" They were off before bothering to answer. I rolled my eyes and went back by myself, feeling the atmosphere. It was like my mind was being tickled, something was waiting for me. Perhaps this wouldn't be as boring as I thought, and Torvi and Helga would be proven right. 


	2. Day 2

Ivar was having a really good day. He was engrossed in a tale Floki was telling, his eyes wide with wonder. The boy clung to his mother on the best of days, but Floki always managed to get through to him in a way no one else could. It was good to see the boy not as dependent on his mother as I had assumed.

"And then, Odin was chased by the mighty Suttung, so he took to the sky himself, in the shape of a falcon. Suttung came closer and closer as they made their way up to Asgard, but Odin had left orders for the others. Thor and Heimdallr were to build a huge pile of dried wood and grass that would burn hot and hard. They were told they would know when to light it."

Ivar loved the stories where the gods would trick someone, and it was great to hear Floki tell the tale. He made it sound alive, and exciting. For a moment I wondered how he couldn't have gotten through to me when he tried to teach me about the gods.

"Odin flapped his wings as fast he could, his belly filled with the Mead of Poetry that he had stolen back. Suttung kept gaining on him, flying faster than even the Allfather could. But Suttung did not know of the clever tricks the gods often used, nor did he have eye for anything else but Odin's tailfeathers. You have seen a falcon in flight, have you not?"

Floki looked around, seeing more boys than just Ivar engrossed in the tale. Sigurd was happy to listen but only if he could sit on my lap, while Hvitserk sat next to Ivar on the floor, casting him excited looks all the while.

"Yeah!" 

"They're amazing!" 

"Remember that time we went fishing with Bjorn?" I asked Sigurd. "We saw a falcon fight with an eagle." Sigurd nodded his head, then stopped as Ivar threw us a dirty look. I stared back at him, raising an eyebrow, and he turned back to Floki. 

"Falcons are the fastest birds known to man, and for good reason. Odin soared through the sky, fast as any falcon could, but Suttung was still closing in. Meanwhile, outside the walls of Asgard, Thor and Heimdallr were fighting. They wondered when they would need to light the fire, and why. Do you remember, Ivar?" 

"Because Odin knew this would happen!" Hvitserk shouted, his voice heavy with anticipation for the end of the story. Ivar pushed him in the shoulder. 

"Floki asked me, this is my story." 

"Well then, little Ivar," Floki said. "Why do you think Odin had the wood piled up before he left?" 

"Because he knew this would happen," he said, punching Hvitserk against his arm. 

"It looks like he's having a good day," Bjorn said softly as he sat down next to me. He brushed a hand over Sigurd's head, smiling as he saw how closely the boy was following everything. Both of us were glad to see Sigurd starting to thrive again after his father had left. 

"Hasn't yelled or tried to manipulate anyone, today. I'm proud of him." 

"... But the true ending of this story is not for the faint of heart," Floki said, moving his hands in their mysterious prayer. He was giggly with anticipation, as was Hvitserk. They knew what would come. 

"What? But you never told me that before! It ends when Odin manages to fly into Asgard, and Suttung is burned by the fire!" So much for his good day... 

"Tell me Ivar, are you faint of heart? Am I not telling you this now? In presence of the gods? Hmm? I thought so. It is said that Suttung managed to grasp Odin's tailfeathers, right before he made it to Asgard. What is a god to do, when he's caught, and his belly is full of the Mead of Poetry?" Even I liked this ending, and Bjorn sat by to listen, as well. The first time he had told me this story I had to laugh so hard ale came pouring from my nose. 

"Odin squeezed out just a bit of the mead, through his back side, and it splurged all over Suttung's face, catching him in the eyes. That is how Odin got away from Suttungs claws. But even this Mead was considered sacred, and all the drops that fell were caught, and stored. But it is not the same, not since that happened. If you ever hear a skaldr whose rhymes are all wrong, who sings out of key, and fumbled his rhythms, you know that he drank from the mead that passed through Odin's ass." 

I felt Sigurd gasp, then joined us with a giggle as he saw Bjorn and I laugh as well. Hvitserk bumped into Ivar's shoulder, almost rolling over the floor. Ivar... I stopped laughing as I noticed. He was thinking. 

"How come you know it wasn't because the Mead touched an ice giant?" Ivar asked. Floki noticed as well, his face showing a strange look. He had not expected this response, either. 

"It's just a joke, Ivar. The gods allow us to laugh and enjoy life." Floki went on about the gods being cruel, and hard, but how they were capable of bleeding and suffering just like us. 

"I'm off," Bjorn told me. I looked up, seeing he had put on one of his finer shirts. He was a bit full of himself ever since he'd come back from his drinks with Waldemar, but I couldn't really blame him. The past four years had been hard on us, and finally he got some recognition from someone other than his friends and family. He felt seen in a way I couldn't provide. My opinions and compliments would always be tainted because I was his wife. 

"Before you go, I've been meaning to ask... About tomorrow..." His smile fell away. I got Sigurd to get off my lap, then grabbed Bjorn's wrist to play with his arm ring. 

"What about it?" 

"I... I'd rather you not go." He sighed as he watched me fumble around with his wrist, putting a hand on my knee. 

"You can't make me stay here." I knew I couldn't, not where it concerned the gods. 

"I'm just telling you how I feel about it. Please, we haven't had a quiet evening for so long. Is it so strange I'd like to have you to myself for a bit?" Bjorn let out a tired sigh. He knew he wouldn't have me to himself as he wanted to. Which was why he even wanted to join. 

"Ragnhild..." He tried to move his wrist, but I grabbed hold of it, my eyes shooting up to his. 

"Do you need me to say it out loud? I don't want you to fuck another woman." 

"It's not really considered sex. You know that." 

"Then why bother? I know I've kept you at a distance lately, but is it really that important to you?" 

"I have needs. You can't deny that. It took almost a year before you let me touch you the last time, and this time I don't even know why you push me away like this. This isn't the first time you made me wait, or the second." He was right. It was unfair, to not even tell him why I refused to have sex with him. But it was painful to have him admit to my face that he wanted to fuck just about anyone to scratch his itch. 

"Bjorn..." 

"From here this can only turn into a fight. I have to go, we'll talk about it later." I wanted to snap at him, but he was right. 

"Tonight?" 

"Maybe. I don't know if I'll be back for dinner." He pecked me on the cheek and got up, leaving me behind with my dark and twisty thoughts. 

Floki shot me a curious look that I ignored. He would pick Bjorn's side no matter what on this. To me, it was one big drug-crazed orgy, but to hear everyone else talk about it, it was some religious awakening. 

Outside, Helga was looking worse for wear. She drunk heavily, and I knew what this was about. I'd only rarely seen her this sullen. 

I sat down next to her, not saying a word. I didn't need to. I knew how she felt, and how badly she was hurting. She grabbed hold of my hand when I held it out, squeezing it. Like my fear of Bjorn going to the orgy, Helga's hurt was not something that an outsider could easily understand. 

"He pretends like she never even existed," Helga said with a small voice. "How can they be like that?" 

"They think they show strength by not talking about it. I know how backward that is. Bjorn is the same." 

"How could he just pretend everything is fine? Our daughter died!" 

"I know..." I wrapped my arms around her, protecting her from the stares and judgment from the people passing by. 

"The gods have punished me," she sobbed. "For what I did, it has to be. Why else would they take away my baby girl?" 

"Oh, Helga, no. Of course not, what makes you say such a thing? The gods may be vicious at times, but they are in no way cruel. You did what you could, and with the best of intentions. They did not take Angrboda out of malice. How could they, if I'm not mad at you, either?" Helga had been tricked by Aslaug, I couldn't be mad at her for being kind and trusting. I envied my friend for those very qualities. 

"It doesn't work like that," she insisted. "Even you weren't able to save her, it was just some stupid fever!" The kind that I got vaccinations for as a child. The kind that raged around every few years, claiming lives of children and adults alike. 

"There was no reason for her to die," I agreed. I had done all I could when I saw the girl, only three years old. Her face had been lined with red spots, making me think of measles. I'd had to ask Floki to get the twins out of there immediately, as I didn't want them to contract it as well. But I had been unable to ignore it. Little as I could do, I had given it my all. 

I still remembered how I had been torn apart. Floki and Helga had insisted on runes and cleansing the room, asking the gods for help as they caught on how serious it was, but my mind told me to keep the air clean and free of weird fumes. I'd put the decision in their hands, and they had chosen the gods over my wisdom. 

Helga and I had spent a full day cleaning every nook and cranny inside the house, had thrown open all the shutters and the door to get fresh air in only to have it filled with sage and burning herbs. Angrboda had only managed to stomach bread crusts and just a bit of chicken soup, while her fever burned her up from the inside. In the end, all I had managed to do was extend the girl's suffering. She didn't stand a chance, without modern medicine. 

"Helga?" Floki must have heard her cry. 

"Floki..." She wiped the tears from her face, trying to pull herself together. He sat down next to her, taking her from my arms into his own. 

"What is it? These are not the usual tears of joy you feel whenever we are here." 

"It's just... Two years ago, today..." 

"Helga..." Floki sounded disappointed. I wanted to rip him a new asshole, but it wasn't my place to tell him how to comfort his wife. He'd seen fit to comfort me over Kol on the way here, but he didn't show that same courtesy for his wife. 

"Am I not allowed to miss our girl? Am I to keep it inside and have it eat away at me?" 

"You can't remain stuck in the past." 

"Then give me another child." 

"I won't. You know why. Don't drag me into this fight again in front of our friends." I saw Helga started to get mad, her pale face turning red. 

"Why don't we go for a walk," I offered. Helga and I both could use a little time to vent about our husbands. She saw my flimsy attempt to get her away from Floki for what it was, but she got up all the same. "We might not make it back in time for dinner." Floki narrowed his eyes, but let it slide. 

Helga and I started walking, both glad to be out of the longhouse. 

"I just don't get it," she sighed. "He agreed to have a child once, why doesn't he want to try for another?" 

"What did he tell you?" 

"He's convinced he is still cursed, for killing Athelstan. First, his best friend was taken, then his daughter... He honestly believes I will die in childbirth if I were to bear him another child." I was more concerned over how a new child would never replace Angrboda in her heart. 

"I know that's always a risk, but he would be the first to tell me that our fates are already decided." 

"He's unreasonable. Everything went fine with Angrboda, I just can't see how he would be this afraid for something that might happen regardless." Helga was right, but she didn't know how badly Floki felt for me after losing Kol. There had been no reason to suspect something would be wrong with my pregnancy, either. He considered it a miracle that I survived it myself. But I was here to help Helga, not stand up for Floki against her. 

"You know he's cracked, who knows what makes him say those words." 

"Aslaug told me I should just make it happen without Floki's consent..." Her eyes flitted towards me, asking me what I thought of such an idea. 

"That's a terrible idea. If it happens, the gods must have their reasons, but to go behind the back of the man you love like that... Don't take away his choice in the matter." 

"I knew you'd say that. I told her to mind her own business." Helga was still furious over what Aslaug had done four years ago. Whenever I'd had to blow off steam about her delusional worldviews Helga had been a staunch companion. 

"Let's go see how Lagertha's doing. She'll have plenty of ale and mead on hand to get us through the day." The gods knew I could use some myself. 

"Good idea. It's been so long since we've had a moment without children around." 

"Or men," I sighed. Helga gave me a look telling me she'd included our husbands into her count. "You're terrible." 

"And you love me for it." I couldn't disagree. With Aslaug out of my circle of trust and Siggy dead, Helga was one of the few women I could call my friend. 

Lagertha wasn't in, but Torvi was more than happy to join us for a drink. She'd become a confidante to Lagertha over the years, and was treated with respect by the people that had come from Hedeby. Though she had been an earl's wife before, and then the wife of a prince, I'd never seen her this confident and at ease giving out commands. 

"What's the occasion?" she asked as the horns were filled. She had remembered to get me a cup instead of a horn, which already put me in a good mood. 

"We felt the need to complain of our children, even those of age." Torvi gave us a wicked smile. 

"Well, at least you have husbands. Mine keep dying on me." 

"What happened?" Helga asked. 

"He got killed in Frisia, someone told me he was one of the first to die there. And one of the few. At least he left me a sizeable inheritance. I'll be cozy for a while." 

"You don't sound too distraught," I noted. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a fourth husband. I didn't want to. 

"We'd only known each other for a few moons. Not everyone takes as long as you to tie the knot," she reminded me. 

"Did he at least have the grace to take care of you?" Torvi laughed out loud, causing a few servants to look up from their prep work for dinner. 

"He was entertaining enough... How's your prince holding on?" I let out a deep sigh, cursing myself for bringing up the subject at all. 

"He's planning on partaking tomorrow, despite me asking him not to. What? I told you I'd be a bore, I'm not exactly relishing in the fact he wants to bang someone else." Helga gave me a lingering look. 

"Am I missing something?" Torvi glanced at us both. 

"Ragnhild thinks that partaking is a form of cheating." 

"I just want to keep him all to myself. Is that such a bad thing?" The need to defend myself was one I hadn't felt this strongly for a long time. I hated it, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong in the first place. 

"Well..." Torvi knew better than to say the words out loud. Even here I couldn't hope for support. 

"I should've stuck to women," I muttered. "Men only give you a headache." 

"Ragnhild." I looked up from my cup, seeing Helga look a bit uneasy. She was used to me making comments about my past love life before Bjorn, but Torvi was very much a stranger to this, still. She looked ashen. 

"It's a joke," I told her. "Come on, like I'd ever leave Bjorn. I've been with a few women, but I'd never wish for something that would mean I wouldn't have the twins in my life anymore. You know how fiercely I love them." 

"But those flings happened before you married Bjorn, right? Or is there something you want to tell me? If Lagertha hears..." 

"If I hear what?" Splendid timing. Lagertha unfastened some pins from her hair and let most of it fall down to her shoulders. 

"I made a joke about sleeping with women, and Torvi's a bit shaken up." Lagertha joined us at the table, signaling for a horn of ale for herself. 

"I'm sure you'll be satisfied tomorrow in that regard. So, what are we drinking about? Men or children?" 

"Both," Helga sighed. Lagertha's eyes narrowed for a bit, then softened. She put a hand on Helga's, then drank deep. 

"Yes, I can imagine it still hurts..." An eerie silence overtook us. Husbands, children, between the four of us we had lost a lot. 

"So tell me," Helga broke the silence, "you must be proud to have your son officiate this time." Lagertha beamed with pride. 

"Never in my wildest dreams had I dared hope for something like this, not this soon at any rate. He's made me so incredibly proud, in so many ways. And of course, I have Ragnhild to thank for that as well." She gave me a wide smile, making me worry just a bit. She was either fully okay with having killed a small child for me, or she had something to hide. 

I called for more mead, wanting to drown my sorrows until they died. 

"Oh, that sounds good. I'll have one too," Lagertha said as she handed back her horn to the servant girl. "Thank you, Lofn." I finished the rest of the cup, giving me just a second to deal with this news before I had to face the new servant girl. Lagertha had smelled weakness on me, and now came at me like a shark tasting blood. 

"Lofn... What a beautiful name. I can't recall having heard of it before." The girl curtsied clumsily. She wasn't a born servant, or a thrall. Lagertha had planned for such a moment to arrive, where I would be forced to deal with her. 

"It means the praised one," Lagertha mentioned. 

"Really... In my own language, we have a name for trees that carry their green all year. We call them lofen." And the whole praising thing of course, but that was a detail best left out. Lagertha already thought I had made her kill the child, giving her another clue as to where I came from by telling her of similar words was simply put a bad idea. 

"Wasn't Frida's daughter called Lofn as well?" I slowly turned to face Helga, who only now noticed the tense atmosphere. I couldn't blame her, but I was a bit miffed. 

"Oh, right. She went up to her sister's, last I heard." I took a large gulp to hide my discomfort. 

"I heard a rumor she never even made it to Egersund," Lagertha said, distinctly not looking in my direction. "It was foolish of her to try and go there with the winter already raging. The snows were early that year." 

"What could have made her desperate enough to even attempt such a move?" Torvi asked. She was intently looking at me and Lagertha. She knew we were hiding something. 

I was suddenly painfully aware of how many secrets roamed between the four of us. Helga knew of Aslaug's vision and what had truly happened with Kol... Torvi had more than an inkling that I had killed a wanderer who was in fact my brother, but that detail was only known to Lagertha... Who knew about at least part of the whole tale, and had killed Frida for me, for some reason I didn't know. 

I was fairly certain Lagertha hadn't told a soul about it, and Torvi had her own reasons to keep silent on what she did know. After all, I had been the one to help her abort Erlendur's child at five moons. I knew her womb would never quicken again, like mine. 

"She told Ragnhild that she wished her son would die," Helga spat at her cup. A whole new layer of tension came into the mix. "How could any one woman ever wish that upon another?" 

"It's s cruel fate, to have a child torn from its parents," Lagertha agreed. "Still, sometimes... In some cases..." Now she chose to look at me. Was this over Lofn, or Torvi? 

"Had my parents left when I was five, I would have turned out better. You all know that. I came here to forget about my problems, not relive them." A calm overtook the table, making me feel a little more at ease. Lagertha stopped staring at me with that intense look of her, and Torvi seemed to have recovered from my comment. 

"Will I see you all tomorrow evening?" Lagertha asked to break the silence. I wanted to get up, but Helga put her hand on my arm. 

"You can't run from it," she told me. "Why are you so against Bjorn partaking?" 

"Because I'm a selfish bitch," I snapped. I had no desire to share about my worries over Bjorn trying to find a second wife here. I didn't want to have to sit by while he was flirting and showing off and fucking another woman. One that would come home with us, to be humiliated by. I wasn't as strong as Lagertha, I couldn't leave Bjorn over marrying another woman, not when the cause was me being barren. That meant it was my fault. 

"He was too young to partake last time, you can't blame him for wanting to see what all the fuss is about." I tried to stare down Lagertha, but she wouldn't budge. She was still hunting for something. 

"Let's just call it one of the things from back home I still cling to and be done with it." 

"Ragnhild..." 

"Helga." 

"Talk about it. Please." 

"I just did." I put down my cup and got up. "I'll see you guys later, I need some fresh air." Without so much as a glance back I stalked off, feeling even worse than I had when I came in here. It had been nice, up until the point Lagertha had joined. Even here the games continued, I should have known as much. I could leave the hall in Kattegat, but it would always be a part of me. It was part of the life I had chosen when I had chosen Bjorn. 

After a quick round, I decided to just go back. The house would be mostly deserted by now, leaving me to catch my breath and prepare for my fight with Bjorn. I had some serious things to phrase right, and I didn't want this to become one of the fights where I wished the twins would be off in Hedeby. 

"Ragnhild!" A woman came up to me, looking like I'd already made her day. "Could I ask you for some advice? I heard a rumor you'd be here, and I've been waiting for you to show up ever since. And now you're here!" If only the whole world was this happy to see me all the time. I'd never feel alone again. 

"Another time perhaps, I'm not sure if I could help you to the best of my abilities right now. I hope you understand." 

"Oh... Yes, of course... I'll... I'll try again later." She stopped walking as I walked on, feeling even worse now. I had known this would happen at one point, but I just couldn't handle another woman's problems on top of mine. It got even worse as I saw Ubbe and Hvitserk dragging the twins back to the longhouse, all of them looking either pissed or upset. So much for a quiet afternoon. 

When I got to the door, I could hear Ubbe shouting at the twins as if he was their caretaker. He was upset, and angry, and mostly just very worried. 

"Good afternoon," I said with a clear voice as I opened the door. The twins looked down at the floor, and I could see why. Siggy's hair was a mess. 

"We caught them as Thormund was giving Siggy a haircut," Ubbe spat. "I knew you'd be pissed at them." I let out a deep sigh as I made my way over, putting a hand on the boys' shoulders. 

"You did well to bring them back here. Had they gone on Siggy would've ended up bald. Thank you, I'll take over from here." Hvitserk looked pleased with himself, but Ubbe gave me a wary look. 

"You haven't shouted yet," he said carefully. 

"Will that bring back Siggy's hair?" 

"No... But I know you told them this morning to wait for you to have a little time, they went against you." 

"Do you see how they must be feeling right now?" He glanced at them, seeing the same as me. They were holding hands, bracing for the storm that was to come. Siggy's bottom lip was shaking, no doubt terrified of having to be bald. Thormund just wanted to disappear, knowing he was responsible for Siggy's sorrow. 

"They know they messed up," Ubbe admitted. "But that's because I already shouted at them." 

"I know, I could hear you from outside. I think you've covered all the reasons for them to know they did something wrong." 

"Then what do you do now?" Hvitserk asked. "Do they get a punishment?" 

"Oh, you can be sure of that. You two caught them, so why don't you suggest something?" The twins looked appalled. 

"No, mom! You can't be serious!" 

"They're not our parents!" 

"Just take away our weapons as usual!" The boys held a wicked grin at this sudden opportunity to wield such power over the twins. It would be good to see how well-tuned their sense of justice was, and their creativity. Especially Ubbe would need to have a fine-tuned moral compass soon. 

"They can suggest something, the punishment still comes from me. I may not look like it, but I am absolutely livid you took this into your own hand. Where did you even find a knife to cut her hair with?" Thormund spoke so softly I couldn't hear him. 

"Speak up, I'm not on the floor below." 

"Ivar gave it to me." I kept in a grunt. Ever since Aslaug had permitted him to have a knife of his own the boy had gone rampant with them. To me, the memory of Sweig dying was the start of all my troubles. And now he had indirectly threatened my remaining two babies. 

"And what made the two of you decide this was a good idea?" 

"I saw a woman who had really cool hair, mom. And then I told Thormund I wanted to have the same haircut, and Thormund told me it would be easy to make it look the same." 

"I thought I could do it..." The knuckles of their entwined hands turned white. 

"Boys?" 

"They can't see the sacrifices?" The twins gasped as their eyes went wide, not believing what Hvitserk was saying. 

"No, that's too harsh, and they can't miss it when Bjorn is officiating," Ubbe countered. "What if they have to stay inside for a day?" That still sounded harsh, it wasn't like Uppsala was a yearly thing. 

"How about we let them take care of the dishes tonight?" I proposed. With these many people here, it would take a few hours, at a time I'd rather have them inside, anyways. 

"But that's something the slaves do," Ubbe muttered. 

"Not in my house. And I'm sure the servants would enjoy an easy evening, they should be free to worship the gods as well. Does that sound fair?" The twins nodded, not believing their luck. I doubted they knew we were eating stew, and the servants weren't that careful with keeping the bottom from burning. Letting it cook itself out with a layer of water took time, but it was easier than anything else. Not that I'd let the twins handle a large, hot kettle. "Where is the knife now?" I asked Thormund. 

"I took it away," Ubbe said, his chin up a bit. He held it out to me. As I took it in my hand I saw why it had turned into such a mess. I sat down on my knees so I could look the twins in the eye. 

"Thormund, do you see the edge of the blade? Siggy?" 

"Ivar said it was sharp," she said. 

"Then Ivar has a strange idea of what it means for a knife to be dull. Can you see past the edge? Do you see how the light reflects off of it?" 

"It's not sharp," Thormund said, careful to see if I was trying to lure him into some kind of trap. 

"Exactly. That's why Siggy's hair turned out like this, even though you didn't cut it straight, either. Can you tell me what else made it look like this?" Siggy tried to hide her shame with her hands, dragging her brother's hand up to her head as she did. I'd have to try and make the best of it in a bit. 

"Because I'm too young to play with knives," Thormund said sullenly. 

"You are. Both of you. You know how to use them in the kitchen, but you know how strict I am when you help me out. You are still learning how to be responsible with them." 

"I'm sorry, mom." 

"I'll accept your apology once the dishes are done. And I think you owe your sister an apology as well. You told her she would look good." 

"I'm sorry, Siggy." She clutches his hand again. 

"And as for you, young lady..." She pressed her eyes shut tight. "What have you learned today?" 

"Don't let anyone cut my hair with a dull knife." 

"And?"

"Ask you for help when we can't do something on our own." 

"And?" 

"Can you please fix my hair? I'm so sorry, I just wanted to look like a shieldmaiden, and then Thormund tried to cut it but it went crooked and he just kept on taking off more and more..." She wrapped her arm around my neck, the other hand still holding onto her brother. Her looking for comfort from me after the scolding was a sign to me that I had done well. She knew she was in the wrong, I had taught her how to keep from making such a mistake in the future, and she knew I still loved her. Raising a girl was different from raising boys, and I barely had any friends to talk it over with. 

"Oh, my little sweet pea... I'll do what I can. It's okay, hair always grows back. Here, let me see just how bad it is." It looked like a bird's nest, but thankfully Thormund had stuck to one side before they were caught. "What did you even want with your hair?" 

"That woman had the side cut off right up to her ear, on both sides, and a huge braid down the middle." That sounded like how Bjorn wore his hair. I wouldn't let Siggy wear her hair like that in a thousand years. 

"Hmm... Go get your father's shaving kit. I think I might be able to save at least some of it." Siggy got up, looking a bit less upset already. Thormund was shifting around a bit. 

"Could you... I mean, Siggy was supposed to do me, after..." 

"I asked you if you needed a haircut before we left." 

"Yeah, but I didn't know everyone would look their best, and... I want to have hair like dad." Over my dead body. Not another one of those ponytails. 

"I won't have you show half your skull," I warned him. "I'd think on it a bit harder." 

"Auntie, if you have some more time left..." Every time the shaving kit came out, they all wanted a new haircut. Bjorn had invested in a very nice set, and it seemed the entire family used it more than he ever did. "Just - I want something completely new, I've been thinking on it for a while now. I can keep it up myself, it's just the first time I could use your help." 

He knew damn well why I had encouraged him to learn to take care of himself where things like this were concerned, if he was to go raiding soon he would need to know how to survive on his own. Over the past year he had been eager to learn the basics of it, getting to go camping with Bjorn, who taught him how to make a fishing rod out of a stick and some rope, how to bank a fire to keep it from spreading, and he even learned some sewing from me to mend his own clothes if need be. 

He was growing up so fast now, but there was only so much he could learn in advance. It had done wonders to help me assuage the terror I felt over letting him off into battle, at the least, and Ubbe was more than happy to tell Hvitserk and Sigurd about what he had learned. And still, despite his cusp-of-manhood kind of childish bravoure, he knew to come to me for things he needed help with, at least to get him started. 

"Trade you for a cup of mead," I said with a smile. I sat down on the long benches, Siggy on a stool in front of me. She looked to the right, showing off her bad side. "Other side first, sweet pea. Trust me, I won't let you down." I started off getting some layers in her hair. She had never allowed me to give her such a feminine look before, but now she didn't dare refuse. It would get evened out with the other side, anyway. 

I slowly made my way through her bushy blond hair, cutting off large chunks. Her eyes went wide as she saw the long locks fall to the floor, and even Thormund seemed a little confused. Women were supposed to have long hair, like their mom. Especially princesses. 

Siggy wasn't a lady, at all. She was fierce, and brave, and would go raiding. There was no way of stopping her, no matter what barriers she would have to face. I might as well let the rest of the world get used to it, slowly, one step at a time. As Ubbe brought me the cup of mead, even his eyebrow went up. Only Hvitserk seemed not to mind, even though his hair was longer than Siggy's now. 

She ended up with a long lock to the front, with a line that steadily went up to the back of her neck. The side Thormund had mutilated I had taken off completely, using some animal fat to keep from cutting her scalp. As I wiped it off Siggy seemed very uncertain again, until she saw the amazement in Thormund's eyes. I was a bit proud of it myself, it had taken me quite some failed attempts to get this whole shaving and cutting thing down. 

"You look even better than that woman," Thormund breathed. "It's like gran gran, but short. And better." Siggy touched her hair with care, and as she saw her reflection in the looking glass I held up, she was over the moon. 

"Thanks, mom." She couldn't stop touching it or looking at herself. She'd never been one for vanity, but now she held her head the same way Lagertha sometimes did. 

"Me, next! Mom, now it's my turn, right?" Thormund almost dragged Siggy off the stool. 

"Have you decided on what you want?" I asked. 

"Like I said, just like dad. Siggy's got part of her skull visible now, I want that too!" 

"Then she should have started on your hair. I could take off the ends, I suppose," I said as I lifted up his hair to see he had no volume left in it, whatsoever, even though they were short strands. 

"But mom..." 

"Thormund. You're not getting the same. And don't even think about trying to do it yourself, I'll have you look like a plucked chicken for a year." 

"It does seem a bit unfair," Hvitserk tried. 

"I can't make hair grow out of thin air. If I were to try it, he'd end up with just a short strip on top here. If you want to look like your father, I could try one of his old cuts. Does that sound fair?" Thormund huffed but then agreed. I gave him the same haircut Bjorn had worn when he and I had first met. 

"I had the same one for years," Ubbe noted. 

"Where do you think I got the inspiration from back then?" I said with a smile. "You Viking men are always so intent on getting bald as fast as possible. There's so much more you can do with a few nice braids." 

"Yeah, I'm keeping mine," Hvitserk agreed. "It'll get me all the ladies." I choked back a snort. The kid was barely twelve. 

"It's not as cool as Siggy's," Thormund complained as he looked himself over. 

"Just wait until your father sees. He'll agree that it looks good on you." 

"I had it the same, I know how cool it looks." Ubbe put a hand on Thormund's shoulder, then softly pushed him off the stool. Begging with a smile, Ubbe sat down next. 

"Alright, what did you have in mind?" I started taking out his braids, combing through his hair with my fingers. It reached down to his shoulder blades by now, he'd taken great care of it for a long time. 

"I want the same father had when you met him." I let out a sigh as I tried to remember. "Before he got his markings, with the sides bare up until about here." It was almost the same as Bjorn's, except for the braids that would flow from his head, and the front would be left free. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. If you won't do it, I'll ask Helga." 

"No need to get defensive, I just want to know if you've put enough thought into it. You saved it up for such a long time." Ubbe nodded affirmatively. 

"Yes, this is what I want." 

"Alright then." With pain in my heart I parted his hair, putting the strands that grew on top in a tight knot. He nodded as he saw how much would be left. More than half his hair was still draped over his shoulders, and with a deep sigh, I cut through it. As Ubbe saw the strands fall to the floor he lifted up his chin in pride. 

It was a good look for him. I had to admit it, even as I braided the strands into his hair, tying them all together with leather strips at intervals, he looked like a warrior. He looked ready to join Bjorn in Scotland. 

"Auntie?" Ubbe turned around to look at me. "What is it?" 

"I'm just remembering. It suits you." He looked so much like his father. 

"Why does he get to have his sides bare," Thormund muttered. 

"Because Ubbe is nine years older than you. He'll go raiding soon, so he'll need the gods on his side." It was a terrible play of words to me, but a huge superstition to some of the men. Ragnar had been superstitious like that, once. I still found that hard to believe, apparently it had been Athelstan to make him more open-minded about matters of the gods. 

I got up and cleaned off Bjorn's kit, knowing he liked to keep it tidy and clean. He'd have to sharpen the blade before its next use. Slowly the rest got back as well, Siggy showing off her new hairdo with the pride of an eagle. She was too young to see how bad the mixed looks that she got were, but I didn't care. If Siggy was happy with it, I was doubly so. The only reaction I feared was Bjorn's, but he didn't come in until we were halfway through dinner. 

"Ragnhild?" He froze in his tracks as he saw Siggy's smile. 

"Yes?" 

"What did you do to our daughter?" 

"I think the question should be, what did our son try to do to our daughter? They tried to cut each other's hair." Siggy flushed at the memory, stealing a glance at the used cookware. At my gentle suggestion the servants hadn't been too careful with cooking today. 

"What do you mean?" He sat down beside me, still confused. His eyes did light up a little as he saw Thormund had a new hairdo as well. The boy filled with pride. 

"Thormund got his hands on a knife and then tried to cut his sister's hair. With this." I threw the knife on the table, staring intently at Ivar. As he recognized the blade he leaned back a bit, taking a deep breath. He knew he was caught. 

"Where would you even get such a rusty old thing?" Bjorn asked the twins as he looked it over. 

"It's mine," Ivar admitted. Aslaug gasped. 

"Ivar! You should know better!" The boy just muttered a bit about playing a joke on them. 

"How did you even get a knife?" Bjorn asked as he pointed it towards his brother. 

"He's old enough," Aslaug insisted. 

"Apparently he still doesn't know the consequences," Bjorn countered. "Is this the only one?" he asked the boy. 

"It is." I knew it was a lie, but there were more important things than dragging down Ivar for every knife he had. 

"Then what do you plan on doing now?" Bjorn asked Aslaug. This wasn't the first time they fought over how to raise Ivar. She had the last say, as ever, but that didn't mean Bjorn just let everything happen without mentioning how badly he disagreed. Most of the time, I agreed with Bjorn. 

"I'll talk to him." 

"The twins wouldn't even be in trouble if it wasn't for Ivar. How does it look when they get punished, but Ivar gets away without so much as a slap on the wrist?" It would provide a very skewed view of how the world worked, to the twins. They would protest this if it happened, I saw it in the way they held onto each other's wrists. They would love to get rid of their punishment. 

"You only just got in, how can you know what Ragnhild decided for the twins?" Aslaug asked. 

"They're doing the dishes," I offered. Bjorn pocketed the knife, sitting up straight again. I knew he thought it too lenient, but he hadn't seen their faces. 

"I think that's fair. Ivar will help them and take care of the knives, and he will make sure all of them get sharpened as well. I won't have either of you near a sharp edge for some time, you hear me?" The twins nodded gravely, knowing that made sense. 

"You can't tell me what to do," Ivar taunted. 

"Shut up," Ubbe told him. "You told Thormund that blade was sharp, you could have hurt either of them. They're younger than you, and that means you have a responsibility to look after them. Accept your punishment, and don't pull shit like that again." Aslaug was too astonished by Ubbe's interference to go against him. To the outside world all of us defended Ivar, but in close quarters his brothers knew how to set him straight. Ivar looking down at his plate told me he accepted his fate. 

"Do you like it?" Siggy asked Bjorn as she pulled her hand through the strands. With a smile he touched her bare side, then put his hand on her face. 

"You look ready to go raiding. Your mother outdid herself." She looked ready to float off. 

"Not for some time," I warned her. "Let's see how she manages to do against the cutlery first." The twins got up and gathered the dishes, as they had always seen me and Bjorn do. Bjorn grabbed my hand and nodded off to the back. I got up and followed him, steeling myself for what was to come. 

"I'm not happy about it," he whispered. "That's not what a princess is supposed to look like." 

"It was one of the few things I could think of. Thormund took off most as it was, it had to go off. Be glad he stuck to one side." Bjorn sat down and rubbed over his face. 

"And Thormund?" 

"He was next, but Ubbe and Hvitserk found them before it got that far. He wanted to look like you." Bjorn just took in a deep sigh. 

"Then I suppose it couldn't be helped. You used my kit?" 

"I didn't want to risk making it worse by adding a few scars. I'll get it sharpened tomorrow." I didn't want to antagonize him right before we would talk. We fell silent, listening to the sounds of Thormund and Siggy bickering over how to do the dishes. There was still a huge fight waiting for us to start between us. It kept me from crawling up to Bjorn. "So... Tomorrow." 

"I'm going. You're free to join." 

"Last time I did some kind of drugs you were worried I might fall back into old habits." It was the best defence I could come up with, ever since he had heard what I had done to get a next fix without it costing me a dime, he had been a staunch supporter of my reluctance towards the leaves and herbs everyone else seemed to love. 

"But you didn't, like you said. I trust you." Fuck. He'd won, already. There was nothing I could now say or do. He must have been thinking on this all day, too. 

"And I trust you. It's just..." 

"You're scared? Like before?" 

"No, not... It's different. I can't put it to words, it's just what I feel. I mean, what if you get another woman - you know." I sat down, refusing to look Bjorn in the eye. 

"Is that it? That's your fear?" I knew he thought it was stupid, but it was a part of it. An easy, low-hanging branch that made it easier to climb to the heart of the argument. 

"Part of it," I admitted. 

"Then what else is there?" 

"Bjorn..." 

"I can't keep it in mind if you won't tell me." He put an arm around my back, causing me to turn out of his embrace. 

"I'm selfish," I snapped. "Is that what you want to hear? I'm selfish, and I'm greedy, and I want to keep you to myself. There, I've said it. Are you happy now?" 

"You're jealous?" I refused to look him in the eye, even as he took my hands in his. "Ragnhild..." I let him touch my cheek, then my neck. I even let him kiss me, but as soon as his hands tried to touch my breasts I backed away. One thing would lead to another, and that was something I couldn't afford. If he saw, if he realized... 

"Like I said this morning, I have needs. It's not like I'll be cheating on you." Bjorn left me, leaving me to mope on the bed. At the least, we hadn't fought out loud. Having the whole house on edge would not improve my mood.


	3. Day 3

Floki saw that I needed something from him. I tried to keep the desire to a minimum, trying to distract myself by making sure the twins would finish the rest of the dishes, but I ended up shooing them off as they did too poor a job. Ivar sitting in the corner sharpening all the knives didn't help, either. He kept on leering at me.

"Why aren't you out?" I asked Floki, growing tired of him sticking around. He was asking too many questions with too little words. 

"I could ask you the same. Is this about your jealousy?" He'd been talking to Bjorn. It told me to be wary, he knew I was out to get his help. 

"No," I snapped, refusing to admit it was eating at me. "There's something else on my mind." 

"Then speak." I looked around, seeing Ivar glare at me as if I was attacking him personally by keeping silent on what was going on. 

"Why don't we sit out on the porch?" Floki glanced at the boy, then hummed. He made sure to get himself a large horn of ale before he joined me outside. 

The sun was shining through the trees, causing a warm light to shine down on us. Floki sat down on one of the chests, eyeing me warily. I avoided his eyes for a bit longer, taking a deep breath as I thought of something else that bothered me, aside from Bjorn wanting to cheat on me. 

"This must be good," Floki said. He had no idea. 

"I was offered to officiate, because I am the vessel. The priest made it sound like I was one of a kind, that he was lucky to even meet one." He scoffed, letting his eyes search the sky for help. His hands made their prayer, making me wonder just what was going on. Floki was anxious about something. 

"Only now you ask? How long have we known you are her Vessel?" 

"Eight years... And it never bothered me before. I never wondered if there might be others out there, I was too concerned with myself, and those around me." 

"Then what changed?" 

"I'm still conceited, but now I want to prove I'm not that much of a hypocrite." 

"You laying things out like this tells me you are hiding things... But I have no desire to deal with weeping women again, I have reached my limit. You have tired me out." 

"Helga needed you," I hissed. He had no right to call me out on the lack of care I could offer his wife. 

"Helga and I do things differently from you and Bjorn. Don't think to judge me for how I comfort my wife. It's you who told her all about birthing days and what they mean." I looked away, angry at him, and understanding at the same time. 

"The other vessels," I implored. "I never heard of them in the sagas, how are they even a thing? The priest was certain I had come here to claim the honor for Freyja." He had been surprised to hear me decline at all. 

"Our stories are filled with tales of them. Any mortal who is spoken of in the tales, who meets the gods, they are considered vessels. They aid them, they receive their blessings, as have you." Floki's eyes were intense. As far as he was concerned he spoke the truth. The vessels were destined for greatness, in a way I never would be. 

"I've not helped the gods, and I would remember meeting them." 

"I'm not only speaking of you. There are one or two vessels born every generation, as far as we know. I can imagine there are more, but the gods require some things to remain hidden." He stared at me intently, for some reason. 

"Then there is no telling how many of us are out there," I sighed. 

"I know only of one. No others are around, have not been for years. My father told me of his meeting with a vessel once, many years back." He knew how much I was interested in hearing all about it, but he waited, made me ask. 

"What happened?" 

"They ended up fighting. My father was stubborn, and old, even when I was young. But when this happened, he was young and stupid. He insulted the vessel, and it left him scarred. Nasty cut over his face, nearly took off his nose." 

"Why did they fight?" I asked, sensing there was more about the story. 

"He said his son would be born broken. And unlike Ivar, it did not refer to my bones." This made so much sense... Floki hadn't come from a warm home, that much I had gathered... But growing up hearing how he was broken? No wonder we had bonded so fast, back when we first met. He must have recognized so much of himself in me, and some part of me must have known as well. 

"The Seer called himself a vessel to the gods once, as well..." 

"That's different. He only has the Sight." 

"He talks to the gods." 

"So they say..." He didn’t share that opinion, but it was a fact. 

"I saw it, once. I heard him speaking, as if there was someone else in his cabin. Whatever it was, it angered him greatly. After I left he threw his stuff around, I went back to see if he was okay." I narrowed my eyes at Floki’s sudden interest. I needed to steer the conversation back to the Vessels, before he would start a long speech on the gods. 

"Did he now..." 

"What god was that vessel connected to? And how is the Seer different from me?" 

"The Seer only Sees, I just said that. Are you even listening? My birth was foretold by a vessel of Heimdallr." That actually made sense. 

"No wonder you love him so much. He made you who you are." 

"You say that as if Freyja didn't make you into who you are..." I looked away again, unsure of what to say. "Ragnhild? Why does being here make you hesitate about their might again?" 

"Because the gods never spoke to me like I saw them speak to the Seer. I haven't had visions, or epiphanies... To tell you the truth, I feel lost. It's as if the gods haven't bothered to check up with me in a long time." Floki handed me the horn, and I took it eagerly, drinking a few sizable swallows. I had to burp afterward. 

"How come you don't drink like that more often? You've been hiding again, for the past few moons. I noticed, as did all of us. We know where to look for you by now." I handed back the horn and wanted to get up, but Floki grabbed hold of my arm. 

"Floki." 

"Tell me. What makes you shy away? You are not that scared little slave girl anymore, why fall back? You have become strong, the ulfhednar wanted to pick you to officiate. You should rejoice." He dropped the horn and cupped my face, wiping away tears from my cheeks that were no way near falling. 

"How can you see what's wrong with me, and not see that Bjorn has changed as well? Do you not notice how he looks at women who are carrying a child? Don't you think that has anything to do with it?" 

"Ragnhild..." His eyes showed a pity I couldn't handle. It tore at my heart even further, I didn't want him to feel that bad on my behalf. I didn’t feel bad myself, I mostly felt angry that he even wanted to take the risk. 

"How can I keep him with me when he wants what I can no longer give him? Do you truly think that I am upset just about sharing his dick? What if he gets another woman pregnant? Is he not his father's son, as you love to remind me? Do you truly think I can't see this for what it is?" I rose to my feet, feeling a rage burning inside me I had hoped to keep at bay. A quick dart forward with my arm, and as I pulled back, I could slice Floki's throat with his own knife. 

"Oh, my sweet Ragnhild..." He pulled me close, hugging me as I was used to from before. It felt foreign after all these years, wrong. His hands were too low on my back, and his fingers were too eager to stroke over the fabric of my dress. What had gotten into him? 

"Floki, stop it." I pushed him off, much to his surprise. "Unless you mean to offer to talk Bjorn out of fucking someone else, get out. I don't need to suffer anymore, I've done enough of that to last me a lifetime." 

"What's gotten into you?" He wanted to fret over me some more, but I got up. 

"I don't want to talk about it. Let go of me. Floki." Finally, he let go. "I don't know what you are thinking of doing, but stop it. I don't need your pity, or your compassion, or you interfering. Bjorn and I do things our way, and this has nothing to do with you." I had started this talk hoping to convince Floki to speak to Bjorn on my behalf, but now I had gone from one end to the other. I wasn’t even sure of what I felt, myself. 

I left him behind and went for a walk, needing to let off some steam. It had been ages since I had felt the urge to kill like this. Keeping busy kept me from it, and with the twins running around I hardly had time to breathe. But whenever I was alone, the bloodlust returned. Aslaug was good at bringing it up, but not as Vinh could. She made me want to watch blood rain down from the skies, her blood to be exact. In my mind I had killed her a hundred times over, running all kinds of scenarios through my head to see what could work. 

It was a fun way of passing the time by now, and it took the edge off the urge to kill. Imagining her falling on her own knives, or tripping into a boulder head-first were nice, but it was thinking of how her blood would run down her throat as I held her down that kept me sharpening my knives. The way her blood would spatter on my face, the warmth of her cartilage as I tore apart her rib cage and put my hand on her beating heart... And then I'd crush it, tear it apart while she still lived. 

Vinh's death would be bloody, while Aslaug's would be... More sophisticated. I had been working on a plan for years, but things kept coming in between. Whatever it would be, she would suffer. She would hear exactly why she would die, from my lips. 

I walked past Lagertha's camp, but went on. Slowly the need for blood spilling turned into a need to keep Bjorn by my side. I loved him, I needed him, and I didn't want him to think about taking on a second wife. I wasn't strong enough to abandon him over it. I couldn't tear the twins away from all they had ever known, or leave the boys to their fate. They needed me, and I wouldn't be able to leave them. I would have to suffer as Bjorn fucked a new child into his new wife, then would be forced to watch her body change, see up close just what I couldn't do anymore. Then he would start to love her for real, when he saw the child grow, and they would spend time together, and I would be left with the twins, and my grief. 

I'd grow sullen again, even more so than I already felt now, and he wouldn't be there to support me through it. He'd be happy, with his new wife, the one who could give him children. And at some point, he would love her more. I'd become nothing more but a live-in servant, and that bitch would think she could take over from me, become the queen after I finally killed Aslaug. I'd kill her, too. No one would stand in the way of my happiness like that. 

I knew how things would work out, but I could hardly tell Bjorn. He was too concerned with emptying his sack. Even if he was the officiator, it didn't mean he had to take a part in it. He could stay in, choose to be with me, but he wanted to be selfish. He had no idea what was going on with me, and he should... He should just know, he should figure it out. Once every moon, for the past four moons, an increasing number of days that I avoided him even touching me, and I didn't want him to see me naked. How hard was it to put one and one together? 

I had to tell him. I couldn't just avoid it for the rest of my life, something had to change. Maybe it would keep him from searching out a second wife, I could lie to him, say this meant that the gods had given us a reprieve. We'd try for a year or so before he would get desperate and would start to lose faith... 

The gods meant so much to him. I couldn't lie to him, not about this. I was still barren, and having my periods slowly coming back was not a sign that had changed. There was too much scar tissue, even if everything else was working again the fruit wouldn't be able to nestle into the lining of my womb. Not unless I got operated on, and that wasn't possible here. 

I hated myself for even thinking about it. Lying wouldn't make it better, or cure anything. It would only make it worse in the end, Bjorn would figure out I had known all along. I'd only managed to keep a few secrets from him, over the years, the largest being when I was born. That he had found out about, as my keeping silent on who had killed Athelstan. But the ones he didn't know about were all the more important to keep. How I had killed the Lawgiver and was responsible for the deaths of Frida and her girl. The bloodlust that had seared through me for moons, years even. 

I had kept silent on that, I'd managed to get it under control myself. Learning how to use a bow and arrow had taken off the worst of the edge, as far as Bjorn was concerned it was just a hobby to get me out of the door. He didn't know who I imagined to kill each time I released an arrow, nor did he realize just how good I'd become. It was a darker side of me that I kept hidden from everyone, and it was starting to tear at me. For years I had thought that learning how to shoot was my destiny, but it was either not enough, or the gods had something else in mind. 

It was always less when I was around the children. Especially Sigurd was amazing in that regard, I could listen to him talk of his adventures for days. I loved them, feeling like they were the ones my life revolved around. But still, something was pulling on me, even here. There was something I was supposed to do. 

By the time I got back, the priests were already handing out mushrooms to anyone who wanted to partake, going house to house with a basket. It wasn't just any kind of psychedelic mushroom, but the good kind that kept you aware of what happened around you. At the least, Bjorn avoided my eyes as he came back and pocketed a few for later. 

I still refused to join in, instead spending the night wandering around the festival site with the twins. I pointed out the flags and symbols, making them guess whose camp it was. I was hard-pressed to remember them all, myself. I doubted if I had ever seen these many people together since I came here, and more than a few symbols and colors were utterly strange to me. 

I was so unsettled about tonight I felt nauseous. The twins spotted Guthrum and wanted to spend the rest of the night playing with him, and I didn't begrudge them their fun. A huge part of the festival was about forming alliances and keeping our people together across the vast lands of Scandinavia. Some parts of it reminded me of a huge family reunion. 

"Make sure to say hi to your grangran if you see her, she loves having you around." 

"We will!" They were off before I could tell them to be home in time. I supposed it didn't matter, they would tire themselves out before nightfall. Not that it was truly night this time of year, but they knew better than to dwell out on their own when twilight came. Even though barely any crimes or violence happened here they knew better than to go against me. They needed their sleep, and I needed to have at least some idea of when they would be where. 

I made my way back, passing by the infamous tent close enough to hear it had started. Bjorn could already be in there... For a split second I thought about heading over, but I held back. Seeing Bjorn with other women would only make it sting worse, and I wasn't in the mood for getting high just to make it bearable for myself. I'd suffer in silence in the comforts of the longhouse. 

The boys were gone, as were Aslaug, Floki, and Helga. I was alone, for the first time in quite a while. Even the servants had left us for a bit. And yet, I found myself cleaning up. I was such a hopeless case. Even here, on what I considered to be a holiday, I was acting the mom and making sure we wouldn't drown in dirty mugs and horns. It was easier than admitting to myself that I couldn't bear to sit still for a moment. 

I'd expected the servants to at least clear away the plates, but they must have been given a rare reprieve by Aslaug. I cleared them away myself, putting them in a corner so I could clear off the table. Judging by the seats, Ubbe and Hvitserk had hoarded some mushrooms from the stew underneath an upturned mug, the smug little shits. I ate them, seeing no reason to waste them. I couldn't see why the boys would've picked them out of their food, they had never left them on their plates before. It must have been a thing of rebellion or something. 

I even wiped off the table, not wanting to hang my elbows in the remains of the grease in the morning. I pulled a book from my bags, rather enjoying the idea of escaping into a tale of revenge and smiting. It was one of Athelstan's old volumes, barely legible anymore. The English was old, and difficult to translate at times, but it was the best copy I had that was dispensable enough to risk taking with me. 

"Ragnhild." My eyes stopped following the lines. I didn't recognize the voice, nor did I expect any visitors. Slowly I turned my head, seeing... Fireflies? How had they come in? 

"Who called me?" No one responded. "Is anyone there?" Nothing. 

I slowly reverted my head back to my book, keeping one eye on the fireflies. They seemed to multiply every time I looked away. One landed on my book and went up in flames. I jumped up at the sudden flare, mostly because the flames were blue. This... 

Those fucking mushrooms. The boys had hoarded the psychedelic ones, not those from the food. I'd rip them a new asshole over this, they knew they were too young for this. 

"I'm tripping balls," I muttered, realizing what this meant. "There are no fireflies..." There most definitely were. I put the book away while I was still feeling up to it, before the trip would begin in full. I couldn't fight it now. It was already in my system. The best way to deal with this was to just roll with it. 

"Ragnhild." I jerked my head around, making it swim. I caught sight of a woman, who looked almost like an elf. Her dark brown hair flowed down to her waist, and her skin was white as cream. 

"I can see you," I told her. 

"You have somewhere to be. I am here to guide you." 

"That's sweet of you. Where will you take me?" She just smiled as she came towards me, touching my face without touching it. 

"Where do you want to be?" 

"Where I'm happy. Where I don't have to worry." Wherever that was, I hadn't been there for a long time. 

"Then we will make it so." She sat down behind me and started brushing my hair, taking out the simple braids. Ever since Ragnar had told me to honor my mother, I'd chosen to be less strict with the intricate updo of my hair each day. I didn't know how long she was working on my hair for, but it turned heavy. 

"Do you know where I'll be happy?" I asked. 

"I do. You told me once." Her voice was so smooth, and soothing. It calmed me. My muscles released a tension I didn't even know they held. Even my brain was allowed to feel like mush for now. 

"Do I know you?" I turned my head around, seeing only her arm. "I feel like I know you." 

"Better than you may think." I wanted to see her face again, but she was still working on my hair. 

"What's your name?" 

"Like you, I have many. You may call me whatever you like." 

"Then what names do I have?" I could only remember the one. The woman kept on prodding and pulling on my hair. 

"You're the vessel. You're a mother, and a traveler, and one of the Val - " 

"I haven't done much traveling lately. I used to, but now I sit home all day, with the children. I love them, but... Something is missing. The gods want me to do something, but I can't figure out what it is. Do you know?" 

"Maybe they want you to go somewhere. To a place you can't reach with a ship or horse." I froze. My breath caught in my throat. I could feel the pleasant calm leeching out of me, until I was left with nothing but panic. 

"No..." 

"Ragnhild?"

"Tell me you're lying, you have to be." I turned around, pulling my hair from her fingers. Her red hair and dark eyes did little to comfort me. "The gods are not that cruel, tell them I don't want to go back. Please, you have to help me. I can't return, I can't... If he... He could still live. He could find me, and then he'll hurt me. Please, don't make me go back there, I'd rather die!" 

"Shh..." She wrapped her arms around me, but it did little to ease me. 

"I can't go back, I tried to kill him once, but I don't know if he died. Please, I'm begging you, you have to protect me. I can't face him, please!" 

"My sweet vessel... I only meant to say - " I pulled her arms around me even tighter, meant to have her protect me as Bjorn always did. 

"He'll kill me! I stabbed him, and then I ran, and now he will come after me! If he finds me I'm as good as dead, please..." I jerked my head up as I felt something move over my face. I wiped at it, but all that I saw was that my sleeve was wet. 

"You're safe," the woman said, but I didn't believe her. 

"No one can keep me safe from him, you don't understand. He..." I felt sick to my stomach. I started to heave, but the woman wouldn't let me get up. 

"Ragnhild, I need you to listen to me. Very carefully. The one you called your father is gone. He can no longer hurt you. That man, and that place, they don't exist anymore. You're alive. You're safe." Was that even possible? 

"But he... I didn't see him die... How could you..." 

"The gods," she said. "They know of you, they watch over your family." 

"I don't understand..." I clawed at her dress, feeling like a child clinging to her mother. 

"I'll keep you safe. That's all that matters. I'll make sure you get back to where you belong, I'll make your suffering stop. But first I have to fix your hair, you look like a mess. I can't very well show you off like this." She guided me back to watch the wall ahead of me, then started pulling on my hair again. 

"Who are you?" I asked. "You're so kind to me, but I have no idea who you are." 

"You will. I'll keep you safe." 

"You'll make me happy again? Can you keep Bjorn from wanting a second wife?" She stopped pulling on the strands of hair as I let my hand slide over my dress. Her arm reached out, pulled up my dress to reveal the scars. 

"What happened? Who did this to you?" 

"I lost a child..." I took a ragged breath as the memories came back. The woman’s arms around me calmed me down considerably. 

"Oh, my sweet girl... I didn't know. I couldn't... Something held me back. I should have found you sooner." 

"What?" I tried to look up to her again, but she wouldn’t let me see her face. 

"Nothing, I'm talking to myself. We'll be home, soon." Home... 

"We have this saying, where I come from. Home is where the heart is. Home is where I can be happy again." 

"Yes, I know of it, too." Her fingers slid over my scars, making me squirm a little. She pulled back her hand when she noticed and continued her gentle caresses over my thighs, then put her hand on my lower abdomen. 

"Bjorn always makes me feel at home. He gave me a home, and a family. He's my happiness, isn't he?" 

"What makes you say that?" 

"Because I love him. Part of me still hates him for what he did, but I can't stop loving him. I tried, but I need him. He's my home." 

"Even though he thinks to take another wife?" 

"That's just for the children. He... He wants more, but I can't give them to him." I felt the warmth slowly leave me again. 

"No. He won't. I'll get him to see sense. You will have your happiness, and him along with it." It was nice to have her tell me my fears were stupid. She made me feel strong again, confident, even though she could never do what she promised me. 

"Will you make him stop wanting another child?" 

"Then what of your own desire? I can feel it deep within you, alongside some other things I didn’t think to see…" 

"Just because I started bleeding again doesn't mean I can carry a child." 

"But you want to..." 

"I mean to ask Freyja for help." I heard her sigh, then she remained silent as she continued on my hair. I knew I was tripping hard, to say these things out loud. Most of them were new to me, as well. I couldn't even try to lie to myself, something I was very adequate in. It was like I was watching someone else control my body. 

"Your hair is done. You won't disappoint me when you show this off." 

"You're soft..." She curled around, bringing her face to mine. Her blond hair and blue eyes were perfect. She reminded me of someone. 

"Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked. 

"I think you're gorgeous." She leaned in even closer, her lips softly touching mine. Her eyes were still staring at me. 

I leaned back, breaking the touch between our lips. It was barely worth the mention, and so incredibly intimate at the same time. 

"I'm married. I can't." She cocked her head, looking amused. 

"But if I wasn't, you would kiss me back?" I touched my lips, her warmth was lingering. 

"If you were real I would..." 

"Your husband waits for you. All I need you to do is drink this, then you are ready." She held out a cup, it was beautifully decorated. It was gold, encrusted with red gems. I took it and drank deep, loving the taste. She tipped the cup up with a finger, and I drank it all. Her eyes bored into mine, she looked so familiar… 

When I had emptied the cup, she was gone. All that remained were the fireflies, and the huge braid my hair had turned into. I gingerly touched it, feeling all kinds of flowers woven in there. 

The fireflies beckoned me to get up and walk outside. Who was I to deny them? They were beautiful. A soft breeze blew over my naked skin, making me feel sexy. I was hot and bothered. I knew where the fireflies would take me. I knew where I would find my happiness. 

The trees lit up as the fireflies flew past. It was like tiny drops of daylight led the way. They flew in all kinds of patterns, but every time I thought to discover it, they turned chaotic again. I loved them already. 

I loved the trees, too, and the stars and the moon. It was huge, and bright, and she was my friend. Just like the fireflies, she was here to help me find my happiness. 

The orgy was already in full swing when I got there. I recognized some faces, but I was too out of my mind to really take note. There was only one face I was interested in finding. 

I walked through the bodies on the floor, tiptoeing my way as I glanced around. I was late. 

"Ragnhild?" I slowly turned my head to find Floki looking up at me from the floor. He was balls deep inside a woman who was eating out Helga. It touched me to see how they shared everything, even this. "What are you doing here?" A sharp, tiny voice in the back of my head told me he wasn't as drugged as I was. 

"I'm here to have sex with my husband." He pointed me towards the other side of the tent. With a smile I went over to him. 

The floor was a mess of tangled limbs and people kissing so awkwardly I wondered if this was their first attempt at it. All of them moved incredibly slow. Some tried to reach out to the fireflies, but none of them got hit. Others tried to touch me, but they were too slow. It was as if time itself went slow. 

Bjorn saw me coming from a short distance. The fireflies drew his attention, and I kept it. He stopped touching the breasts of a woman I had never seen before and got up. She tried to draw him back into her embrace, but she missed. Everyone was so slow. 

"You're here," he breathed as he took me in his arms. "I waited for you, but then I gave up." 

"You don’t have to wait anymore." I took in a deep breath, smelling a deep, rich earthy smell, as well as sweet fruit and his own sweat. 

"You're already naked." 

"Oh, I guess I am." I looked down just to be sure. I couldn't remember getting undressed. Or getting here. But Bjorn was here, and we weren't fighting. Here, I could be happy. 

"What are you doing here?" His hands started to cover every inch of my skin. 

"I want to fuck you. Just you." 

"This isn't the place for that." 

"I don't care. Here's fine. No one will dare interrupt." He let his eyes wander over my body, then his hands found my waist. 

"I haven't seen you naked for moons..." Bjorn's eyes drifted over my prayers, the lines in between my legs and on my lower abdomen. "I could've sworn they looked worse before." 

"Time can heal a great many things." His chest called out to me, pleading for me to touch it. The softest touch of my lips made his body react. I felt my nipples go hard as he pulled me in, his hands rediscovering the firmness of my breasts. 

"Ragnhild..." I looked up at him, seeing his pupils were large. He was just as much out of it as I was. I drew him in for a kiss, and suddenly my hands wrapped around his neck, and my legs around his waist. He'd picked me up and walked off to gods know where. My back hit something solid. 

"Fuck me, Bjorn. Don't make me beg for it." A smile slowly came to his face. 

"I won't fuck you. I'll make love to you." Bjorn's fingers entered me, twisting and curling inside as I let out a thousand sighs. He was moving faster than everyone around us, and I didn’t mind one bit. There was no need for a slow, tender build-up this night. We both knew what we wanted, and that was his fingers hitting all the right spots. Already, Freyja’s name was on my lips. 

My hands snaked up the pole to my back as he went to his knees and pulled a leg over his shoulder. His tongue made contact with my clitoris, making me moan as my eyes almost fell shut, my lashes flickering like the wings of a butterfly. They tickled the air as Bjorn kept on lapping, sucking, prodding. 

My hands held on tight to the pole as I tried to keep myself standing. Bjorn's hands were too busy touching me to pay any mind to my stability. I moved a hand to his head, clutching his braid as I came. He kept his fingers inside of me, and I felt myself contract around his fingers. His head slowly came up for air, leaving a trail of wet kisses on my skin. He was covering me in my own wetness. 

"Bjorn..." His fingers kept drawing out moans, only increasing as I felt his mouth lock on a breast. I let him suckle for a bit, until I came again, my nails scraping over the wood behind me. Then I pulled on his braid, that reached down to just below his shoulder blades by now. I tore out the string he used to keep it together, not wanting either of us to wear anything at all. As his braid started to unravel I turned him around, so he had the pole to his back. I went to my knees and kept looking at him through my lashes as I took his dick in my mouth. The fireflies were still with me as well, I could see their light. 

"Ohh... Ragnhild..." I took all of him in, grabbing hold of his ass to get it all as I bobbed my head forward and back. A hand briefly touched my shoulder, but Bjorn's upper body made a violent motion. The hand got jerked back. He didn't want anyone to touch me. It made me feel strong, knowing he would keep me safe from wandering hands. 

"She's mine," Bjorn grunted. "Don't you fucking dare... Ahh!" I felt his dick respond to my increased effort. I doubted I'd ever sucked a dick with such desire. I could’ve gone on for longer, but Bjorn pulled me up. He didn't want to finish in my mouth. His hands lifted me up again, making me wrap my legs around his waist. He fumbled around a bit until I threw back my head as I moaned, letting out an incredible desire. Standing up, not needing any support, Bjorn fucked me. I clutched his neck, hoping to find some purchase, but Bjorn was relentless in his love for me. His cock was the only thing that could make me feel this good. I felt happy, truly happy. 

My nails dug into his skin, no doubt drawing blood. Bjorn let out a roar as my nails went over the wounds again. He returned the favor this time, scratching in between my shoulder blades, then my sides, and my ass, all the while fucking me. I had no idea how we hadn't fallen over yet, but as the woman had promised me, the gods were with us. They were pleased with our sacrifice. 

"You're such a bitch," Bjorn whispered. "You know we're not alone, right?" 

"We are never truly alone. My mother is with us, all of them are." 

"Then shall I call out her name instead of yours?" 

"Do that and you'll die," I promised him. "Just keep fu -" He buried himself deep inside of me, cutting off my words. My eyes fell shut as he put me down on a table, only to spin me around and kick apart my legs. He pushed me down on the table gently, extending my arms with his as he leaned over me. 

"People are looking," he whispered as he thrust into me. I let my body relax, feeling the soft table underneath me welcoming me to let go. 

"Let them. We can show them a thing or - ohh... two..." I let out a loud moan, not wanting to disappoint the people in the back. Bjorn must have felt the same as he kept on pounding, hitting all the right places to make me scream out in pleasure. I felt his hair stroke my skin, forcing me to writhe underneath his strong embrace. His hands wandered to my breasts, his lips found my neck. I had to keep us both from falling flat on the table, but all I felt was his dick moving in and out, his balls slapping against my clitoris. All I heard was my moaning joining in with his, and from the corner of my eyes, I saw tiny dots of light. The fireflies. 

His cock twitched a bit, forcing Bjorn to either come or withdraw to keep on going. He wanted to keep fucking me. As his weight disappeared I stood up as well, then sat down on the table. 

We only kissed for a bit, allowing Bjorn to come down from his arousal a bit. His tongue was still as I remembered. He had come a long way since I had taught him how to kiss. 

"Might I join?" The voice to my left sounded unfamiliar. As I turned to face him, I saw it was a stranger. 

"No," I said with a clear voice, hopefully ringing out past just him. "He is mine, and mine alone. You don't get to love him as I do." Still facing to the side, Bjorn started fucking me again. I made eye contact with a few of the men and women that watched us. Seeing the lust in their eyes made me feel strong, powerful even. 

It only got worse as I moaned louder. We were hypnotizing to them. I saw more than a few of them jerk off or fondle their neighbor as they imagined it was them fucking. 

"I was hoping to fuck her," I heard the stranger mutter. 

"Don't we all?" I smiled, biting my lip as Bjorn kissed me. "I just don't want to face his wrath." We could do whatever we wanted, and no one would object. We were the king and queen here, in Uppsala. Our presence was our title. Bjorn the strongest man, and I the vessel of Freyja. 

As I squealed, I threw a leg up into the air. Bjorn grabbed it, more out of reflex than anything else. He was quick to put it over his arm, the one he used to hold me upright. It made his cock thrust into me even deeper. He kept a slow, gentle pace, allowing us to feel and see one another. 

"That beautiful face," he whispered. I brushed his hair over his shoulders, keeping my eyes locked on his. The beautiful morning sky blue, the kind that promised a beautiful day. "I missed this." 

"I missed you. Us." 

"Then come back to me." His cock slowly moving in and out took away all of the mundane worries that lingered underneath the haze. 

"You are my happiness. I'll always come back." Bjorn pulled me close to his chest, wanted to feel my nipples underneath his fingers, meant to look at me, make me come with his fingers, all at the same time. It was like he wanted us to become one. 

He decided on wanting to feel me come around his dick again. His fingers found my clit, violently moving all around it. I screamed in delight, tiptoeing the fine line between hurt and comfort. Bjorn held me close with his other arm as if to comfort me, while I held on for dear life to Bjorn, clawing into his back. The slow fucking and hard stimulation tore me to pieces. This was exactly what I needed right now, and Bjorn read me like the book I was. He understood me completely, he was a part of me. 

For the first time in a long while I could let go of everything that bothered me. It all got covered by the haze of the drugs, and it left me smiling and loving the entire world. And Bjorn was that world. 

My body shook violently as I came, only being kept upright by Bjorn's strong arms. I felt a warm fluid drip down, pooling on the table I sat on. I felt it flow down my leg, heard it gush down the table. 

"Did I break you?" Bjorn knew better than to panic when I didn't. He just kept on steadily fucking me, holding me, loving me. 

"You conquered all of me," I whispered. "Remember I once told you of female ejaculation?" His eyes went wide in delight. He'd rarely achieved that before. 

"Does this mean you are done?" 

"It means you have to lie down on the floor. I'm taking charge now." He let go of me reluctantly. My eyes flashed around, seeing more than a few men and women look at us. It made me feel even more satisfied. As Bjorn sank down to the floor, one hand still in mine, I followed him down. I sat down on his cock. 

Our groins were so slick and wet, I didn't even need to guide him into me. He threw back his head as he clutched my hips, groaning loudly. I let my nails scrape over his chest as I rode him. His cock was hard as a rock, eager to finally blow his load. 

"Ragnhild," he breathed, trying to get up a bit. I pushed him down, leaning close to hear what he wanted to say. "I love you." 

I stopped moving. He hadn't told me that for so long, and here it was when I least expected it. 

"What did you say?" I needed to hear it again. I needed to be sure. 

"You heard me," he said with a grin, getting up despite my pushing him down. "I'll say it again if you make me come." The filthy fucking bastard. He could have it, but on my terms. 

I went at it again, but painfully slow. Bjorn tried to take over, but I scratched over his marks, making him gasp for air. 

"You know better than to pull shit like that," I told him as I contracted my pelvic muscles. "I'll do you one better. Every time you tell me, I'll go faster." He snarled at me, grunted, almost snapped his teeth at me. I kept my resolve, letting a hand slide through his hair to calm him. The longer he would take, the more humiliated he would feel. 

"I love you," he whispered in my ear. 

"I can't hear you," I whispered back, picking up the pace regardless. Bjorn relaxed a bit. 

"I love you. I love you, I love you." I kept a decent pace now, enough to keep him hard. 

"I love you, too," I whispered. His dick twitched at my words. 

"I love you more," he promised. True to my word I picked up the pace again, making Bjorn go weak with lust. The corner of his lip jerked up a bit. His hands were aching to pull me down on his cock, but he knew better than to make me halt again. 

"I love you. I love you. With all of my heart, I love you." The pounding of my groin against his made a sound that echoed through the tent. My hips rolled and shifted, moving up, down, sometimes taking a different angle. Bjorn groaned as he tried to tell me he loved me, keeping his eyes locked on mine as he did. I was fucking him speechless. 

I felt the truth of his groaned half-spoken confessions. I knew he really still loved me. It made tears appear in my eyes. His hands slid up, towards my breasts. 

"I love you, Bjorn." My hands slid up to his face. He was about to come. I could sense it, somehow. 

"I love yo-ahh!" I felt his cock go rigid inside me, then saw him falling back to the floor. I kept going for a bit until I felt him go limp. 

We were both exhausted. I lay down on his chest, wanting to feel him inside of me just a little bit longer. 

"I love you," he whispered. 

"I love you more." 

"I love you most." He tried to stroke my hair, but his fingers got tangled in the flowers that were woven into the braids. "Why are you crying?" 

"Because you're beautiful." He shot me a curious look. 

"Men aren't beautiful. We're strong, muscular, handsome perhaps." 

"Then you are blind to what's inside of you. I was talking about your spirit, you dipshit." He smiled as he wiped away my tears. A lone firefly passed between us, making us look up. We were still being stared at by a lot of people. We didn’t care. 

"It must have been the mushrooms, but I could swear you came in here naked." I got a lazy smile on my face. 

"I did. I have no idea where I left my dress." 

"Then how do you plan on making it back? It's quite a distance." 

"I was thinking I might go back naked as well," I whispered. Bjorn snapped out of his bliss. 

"Not a chance. I don't want anyone to touch you, and with this much bare skin..." He inhaled the scent in my neck. 

"Did I hear you break that guy's wrist?" That would be bad, but I couldn’t remember why. 

"He was lucky I was in such a good mood. It's just a sprain." Bjorn sat up straight, lifting me up with his body. His lips found mine, and as he let his hands pass over my skin I felt myself growing hungry for more. I bit my lip, knowing I needed to rest for a bit and drink some water before I could even think about it. I'd lost a lot of fluid in a short time. 

Bjorn smiled as he realized what my problem was, enjoying he could still make me want him this badly. I got up, feeling his semen drip down my legs. Bjorn pulled me off to the side, insisting I wear his shirt as he put his pants back on. 

"It won't fit," I complained as I tried to pull the shirt over my hair. It had become so big with all the flowers in there the hole in the shirt was too small. I heard fabric rip, then the shirt slid over my head with ease. Bjorn had torn it below the lacing, effectively making it a very short dress with a neckline plunging down to my navel. I pulled out my hair and put the lacing back in place, which at the least served to cover my breasts. 

"You look incredible. I should've let you wear my shirts years ago." 

"I should've let you tear off my clothing before we fucked more often." I guided his hand towards my mound, where a mixture of our bodily fluids was covering my ass, thighs, and mound. 

"Let's get you cleaned up, first." Bjorn couldn't resist holding his now wet finger in front of my lips, opening his a bit. Keeping my eyes on him, I couldn't resist slowly licking it clean, lapping at his finger. My own juices mixed with his was divine. It tasted like liquid sex. 

He picked me up in his arms and carried me off. I made sure to get a drink for the road, while I was at it. 

"I've half a mind to tie you up and fuck you senseless," he whispered in my ear. 

"If you don't want another man to touch me I'd wait until we're out of here," I whispered back. He grunted as he marched on, eager to get back to our bed. 

Bjorn only put me down when we were back at our longhouse. The soft silence of people sleeping governed it, with only a few candles lit to light our way to the huge bed we had claimed. Just how long had I been gone for? 

"Ubbe?" Sigurd's soft voice made me rethink my need to reach out to Bjorn's ass. 

"It's auntie and Bjorn." I softly approached him. "Is Ubbe still out?" 

"Yes. He took Hvitserk with him but I couldn't come." 

"Where did they go?" 

"Somewhere they're not supposed to be." He sounded sour. 

"I'm sure they'll get caught. They suck at sneaking around. Sleep well, little man." Those words always calmed him down. Ragnar used to call them that, all of his boys. Now it fell to me to make them feel safe when they felt insecure. 

"Can I sleep with you? There's too much noise outside." Bjorn came to stand beside me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to say no, or if he didn't mind. 

"The noises will be just as loud when you lie next to me. Try and sleep by yourself for a bit, maybe try that thing with counting goats that jump over a fence." He didn't like it, but he was almost ten now. He needed to be able to sleep in his own bed, otherwise he would never be able to live a normal life. Sigurd turned away, sighing as if I'd asked him to pick up after his own laundry. 

I bent over to kiss his temple and stroke his hair, then got up. Bjorn guided me further into the house, to where he already had a bowl of fresh water and some cloth waiting. I sat on my knees on the bed as I looked up at him expectantly. His hands went over his shirt, slowly lowering down to the hem. His hands went up again, raising up the shirt with as he dragged them across my skin. I put up my arms so he could remove it properly. In the faint candlelight, I saw the admiration in his eyes as he took in my naked body again. 

I kissed his chest as I tugged at the fastenings of his pants. Bjorn tugged at the flowers still stuck in my hair, trying to get them out. 

"It's no use," I told him. "They're stuck." 

"Then how am I supposed to tie you up, if you look so innocent?" I bit my lip as I imagined the strain of the ropes against my wrists. He pulled off his boots and pants as he realized I didn't need much more encouragement to surrender to him. 

He pushed me down on the bed, with just two fingers to my sternum. I didn't need to be told to put my hands up above my head. Bjorn tied my wrists together as he straddled my waist, then he slowly made his way to my neck and collar bones, inching down to make me anticipate what he was planning on doing to me. 

When he reached my navel I heard water trickle down. He put a wet cloth to my thighs, cleaning off the remains of our previous session. Bjorn worked his way towards the center, then put away the cloth and the bowl. In the scarce light, it was difficult to see the details of his face. 

He knew I was still wet. He didn't waste any time plunging in his fingers, making it hard for me to keep from gasping. I pulled on the rope, feeling just how helpless I was. He could have me denounce the gods if it meant he would let me come. 

I forced my breathing to stay calm, already feeling spasms run through my body. The barest hint of a groan escaped my lips. Bjorn stopped fingering me and grabbed hold of my face with his slick hand. 

"Keep still, you fucking slut." 

"I'm sorry," I breathed.

"Not a fucking sound." He flicked his fingers over my nipples, making me choke on my own breath. "That's more like it. I knew you could do it." My heart sang at his praise. I smiled as he kept flicking his fingers, feeling myself get so wet I started dripping. The rope was drawn taut as my body started to recoil from his touch. 

"Will you stay silent from now on?" I nodded eagerly. "Good girl." I basked in his praise, feeling like nothing could ever make me feel bad again. He continued plunging into my sopping cunt, making me regret nodding my head. I wanted to breathe his name into his ear, I wanted to moan at the pleasure he gave me. But I needed to hear I was a good girl even worse. I closed my eyes and focused on his touch on my body. 

He was finding my scars with his fingers. I gasped as I realized. 

"Don't," I breathed. "Don't touch them like that." It was like he was taking away my prayer. He was trying to claim it for himself. He was stealing it. 

"Are they not a part of you? Do I not love all of you?" 

"You don't understand." I tried to get up, but the rope around my wrists held me back. "Please, Bjorn." I heard him sigh, then he lay down next to me. 

"Why won't you let me touch them?" 

"Because..." I needed to be honest, but it hurt too much. "They're a prayer." 

"A prayer? I hardly ever see you pray. Do you... Do you want another child?" 

"There's nothing to want," I spat, my lust completely forgotten. "Nothing to hope for. I'm not a fool." 

"Then what do you pray for?" 

"It's bad luck to tell you." Bjorn grunted and got up. I watched him pull on his pants and boots, then he left. At least I didn't have to stare at his ponytail as he walked away, his hair still hung loose. 

With a sigh, I started to fumble with the rope. I had taught him a knot that was always easy to remove if needed, but this was the first time I had need of it. My hands freed, I crawled underneath the furs and traced the scars, reclaiming my prayer. 

I hated Bjorn. He had taken away my choice. He had chosen me over our son. He was responsible for the death of Kol. 

I couldn't find the next scar. No matter how hard my fingers searched, there was nothing to be found. I felt a hint of panic as I threw the furs off of me and reached out for a candle to look for it. 

I knew the scars had mostly faded, but I could still find them all, blindly. But even with the light of the candle, I didn't see it. I barely saw any of them. They weren't fading, they were disappearing. 

I crawled back into bed, trying to feel how much of the prayer was still there. 

"I hate him," I whispered. "He took away my choice. He chose me over our son. He killed Kol." The next scar was gone. I could no longer tell myself I'd wished it were me that had died. The next one was there. 

"I'll remember this pain forever. I will have my revenge. I'll never -" This one was missing too. The one where I acknowledged I was barren. The hardest one to say without shedding a tear, for the longest time. 

I heard the door open, and two pairs of footsteps coming in. One shape was about the same size as me, the other already towered over me. Damn Vikings. At their age, they should still be shorter than me. 

"Ubbe. Hvitserk." They froze. I heard Sigurd giggle softly from underneath his furs. "Come here." I lowered my voice when they stood at the edge of the bed. With the furs clutched to my chest, I saw they looked embarrassed. 

"We were just out for a bit," Ubbe whispered. 

"And where exactly did you go?" 

"The sacrifices," Hvitserk said. 

"The boats," Ubbe said at the same time. They knew they were in trouble. 

"You know you're not allowed at certain parts, and that it's for your own good. What do you have to say for yourself?" 

"You didn't stay in like you said you would. Where were you?" 

"I'm an adult, I can do what I want. You, however, still have rules to abide by. Where did you go?" Hvitserk meant to answer, but Ubbe stepped on his toes. 

"What did you say to make Bjorn storm off the way he did?" He was trying to bait me, poorly. 

"Go to bed, both of you. We'll discuss this later when you aren't acting like babies." The boys muttered as they got ready for bed, then crawled into their bunk beds. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. My prayer was disappearing. How was I to keep on remembering Kol the way I had vowed? 

My hands went over the scars again, but there were multiple I couldn't find anymore. The prayer would soon be just a shell of its former self. I was losing my right to hate Bjorn.


	4. Day 4

"Did you have fun last night?" Aslaug flashed me a wicked smile. She recognized the after-effects of the mushrooms when she saw them. Her glee over me not keeping to my word was enough to bring me down.

"I did. I let my hair down for a bit." Or had put it in the most intricate braid ever. Those flowers were still lodged tight, and I couldn't imagine how a strange woman had come in to do it for me. No one else had seen her, I had made sure to check. 

"You gave everyone quite a show, apparently. Many were disappointed you didn't let anyone join in." Judging by the light coming in it wasn't that late. She must have heard stories from people who slept close by and had pulled through the night, and already she had an opinion at the ready. 

"What are you trying to get at?" I had no desire to play any games with Aslaug. I knew she was angry with me, but I didn’t want to go through the charades she was putting up. 

"You can't just play by your own rules. What happens here is sacred. You're making a mockery of the gods." I rolled my eyes as I walked off. Even when I was sober this was too much to handle. "Ragnhild!" 

"Who has two middle fingers and doesn't give a fuck?" I put them up for her to see, not bothering to turn around. 

"What does that even mean!" 

The fresh morning air did wonders for both my mood and hangover. People were wandering by, most either drunk or still high. After last night I couldn't begrudge them. I knew now, why people spoke of the gods being amongst us here. Helga had been right, as often before. 

"Helga told me you were up." Floki came standing beside me. "Why did she see you asking the boys about last night? What's going on with you? You've never... Participated like that." I didn't feel like talking about it, and didn't like the way he was staring at my hair. Beautiful as it was, it drew too much attention to me, making it hard for me to like it. 

"I accidentally ate some mushrooms. I know better than to fight it when it's taking effect." I looked away, not wanting to admit just how much I had enjoyed myself last night. If I’d known how it would have been, I wouldn’t have been fighting over it with Bjorn. And the mushrooms… It was very easy to believe the gods intended for me to eat them, as the denial in Ubbe’s face had been genuine when I’d asked about him stealing some. 

Moreover, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I loved being under the influence. I didn’t consider myself an addict, but I couldn’t deny that I had a soft spot for drugs. It was dangerous to be surrounded by it all the time, while deep inside I wanted to stuff my face with those mushrooms and only wake up when my sorrows were gone. Like the bloodlust, it was a part of me that I had managed to suppress by keeping busy. 

I had moved beyond the urge to be dependent. I was strong, I’d killed my own brother without any sedatives to calm my mind. I didn’t need to hide from my pain, I could face it head-on. Whatever the gods would throw at me, I knew I could take it. I didn’t need to dull the pain, I had gone through Helheim before. But somehow, what I’d done in the past seemed to pale compared to what came, and that hurt me even more. Losing Kol was something I’d gotten used to, the lingering doubts about my prayer, Bjorn touching it, Bjorn’s changing idea of what it meant to be a family… 

"You still have your hair like you did last night, who braided it for you? I've never seen anything like it. Then you came in, naked, and glowing. I noticed your scars are all but gone." Floki had never talked about my prayer after the night when he first saw it. The physical harm was something I only talked about with Helga, back when the wounds still needed tending. Every time she asked about it since I had said it was healing well and had changed the topic. 

"Scars fade. They weren't that deep, to begin with." I was dying for a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and a change of subject. Some part of me felt like Floki was justified for asking me about it, but a larger part of me wanted to shut him out, keep it to myself. Too much was changing already, my body had better stay the way it was, scars and all. I wasn’t sure if I could take any more change. 

"Whatever the reason, you made quite the appearance. I've never felt so drawn to watch other people fuck." My eyes slowly made their way towards Floki. It was highly unusual to talk about what happened the third night after the fact. It was supposed to be a cherished memory, a very private one. 

"It wasn't meant as a show. It's just how Bjorn and I fuck. It was good, but I don't know if I'd call it worth watching." Floki put a finger to my forehead, then let out a giggle, followed by a warm smile. 

"Oh, but you do. I think a lot of people there were able to learn a thing or ten from you two." 

"Did you?" I didn’t like where he was hinting at. I had no desire to repeat the public part of it all. 

"I did, but not as you may think. I saw hope, and a clear future." He made it sound like he was a Seer. Usually I had more patience for him, but I’d woken up on the wrong side of the bed today, literally. Bjorn hadn’t returned last night, I still had no idea where he was or where things stood now, and I refused to ask. 

"What makes you say that?" I asked. Floki leaned in, as if he was sharing a secret. He knew something, that he knew I would react to. I just didn’t know if it would be good or bad. 

"Bjorn didn't look at any of the pregnant women this morning," he whispered. Typical. The way to hold his attention on me was to be new and exciting all the time. I wasn't sure if I could be new and exciting for the rest of my life. "And besides, I think I'm starting to understand just why that priest took you with him when we first got here. You're especially blessed by the gods..." 

"You make no sense, Floki." I turned my head away, not wanting to hear anything about the gods for just an hour or so. There was such a thing as loving the gods too much. 

"It's still you that keeps us on our toes, sweet Ragnhild." He put a hand on the top of my prayer. "And you seem to surprise us every time we think to look away." Floki left me there, speechless. Just what was that all about? I knew he had used mushrooms last night as well, but I couldn't imagine them still working unless he had chugged a few more down. 

I went back inside to check on the twins. I wanted to know how late they got back last night, they’d been asleep when I’d come in. I thought. 

"Good morning, boys." They were all seated at the table, waiting for breakfast. 

"We're not boys anymore, auntie," Hvitserk muttered as I sat down as well. Sigurd and Ivar stared at my hair, but Hvitserk looked away. He’d seen plenty of it last night, and still knew I would want to talk about his extracurricular activities last night. 

"And I'm not your auntie," I reminded them. "Have you seen the twins?" 

"They were out early, I think they were headed off to fight again." I let out a deep sigh, wondering how I was ever going to get this stuff between me and Bjorn sorted out with those two always stirring up trouble. They had come off easy after their playing barber shop, but that didn’t mean I would be lenient a second time. 

"And you didn't stop them?" 

"What were we supposed to do, sit on them?" Ivar made a good point, but I didn’t like the look he threw me. 

"I guess I'll find out soon enough if they'd like to go see the offerings," I said as if they were here, and it was a subtle threat that this was the last day they could. 

"They're not the only ones who went out unexpectedly." Ubbe's eyes stared at me with the intensity of a thousand suns. "Where did you go last night? Now it’s my turn to ask questions, something happened last night." 

"I don't have to keep you posted on where I am all the time," I said as if that was the end of the matter. 

"You were naked." Three heads turned to Ubbe, then to me. Sigurd and Ivar were surprised to hear of it at all, while Hvitserk seemed worried about the secret Ubbe had betrayed. There was no use denying it. 

"And what if I did?" 

"You never do things like that. What happened?" Even if I had felt so inclined as to answer, I didn't want to discuss it with his younger brothers present. Ubbe was only fourteen. 

"I partook." 

"No one else went out naked because of that. And what’s up with your hair? You look like you dressed up to meet the gods." My eyes narrowed, because I was thinking, but Ubbe backed off a little because of it. Had it been the gods? Why would they braid my hair? That made no sense, at all. Why would they single me out and come to me? Then again, I had never seen those flowers before. Could they come from Vanaheim? 

"I’m entitled to my secrets, Ubbe, as are you." Even the gods were. It wasn’t that strange of an idea that the woman had in fact been a goddess, except that it was impossible. "Where did your mother go?" I hadn’t seen Aslaug leave, and at times when I was confused I preferred to know where she was. Who knew what she’d been plotting. 

"I don’t know. No one ever tells me anything," Ubbe muttered. 

"You’re only fourteen, what do you expect? You should be glad that you’re not involved with everything going around, yet." He sneered at me, then looked away. 

I was starting to lose the war that was waging around me. Aslaug and Bjorn constantly fought over how to rule the kingdom, leaving me to take care of the children. The twins were a handful and got most of my attention, but I couldn’t leave the boys to their fate. Sigurd was easiest to handle, he just needed calm and assurance. He loved being over at our house. Ivar was… Difficult, at the best of days. In my heart I was glad that he didn’t need me as much, but it worried me all the same. Bjorn and I should do something about it, I was terrified Ivar would become a danger to his family. Hvitserk just went along with his big brother, but Ubbe… 

He was starting to wear me out. I wanted him to feel like it was okay to go through puberty at his own pace, to discover who he was and what he wanted from life before he was bombarded with responsibility, but since this winter he’d been pushing me on purpose. It would be so much easier if I had Bjorn to lean on, but with all that had gone on in my own life I had distanced myself from him. Ubbe was practically shouting at me for attention, for help, and I was unable to give it. Some days were worse than others, but I knew enough to realize today would be a hard day. 

Bjorn came in, looking worse for wear. He called out for ale, then wrapped his arms around me. He buried his face in my neck, letting his hands slide over my sides. He seemed intent on not letting the last few moments of last night spoil the other fond new memories, and I was glad to go along with it. 

"I like those flowers," he whispered. "Last night was wonderful." His teeth found their way to my earlobe. I shoved him away gently, not wanting to be this intimate in front of the boys. Still, it made me smile. That was one weight off my shoulders. 

"It was, but now it's morning and we're at the breakfast table. Sit down, you're making me nervous." He sat down, his back to the table as he kept a hand on my thigh. It might have been out of sight, but the boys knew what he was doing. 

"That's just gross," Sigurd muttered. 

"Yes Bjorn," I agreed. He made a face at me, but he stopped trying to pull up my dress. "Don't you have this important meeting with some earls?" I wanted to tear into him as well, feel close to him once more, but we couldn’t with the house this full. I had to suppress my urge, even though it grew the longer Bjorn touched me. 

"Harald insisted on coming by in a bit. The others will have to wait." I looked him in the eye, knowing this was big. We hadn’t seen him since… Bjorn hadn’t seen him since Paris. 

"What's it about? Did he tell? I thought he was trying to overthrow Lars first." 

"He wants to join up again." I rolled my eyes. He wanted to see how powerful we were, to see if he was able to overthrow us yet. From what I heard there was little to fret over, and him trying to strike out now would be in our favor. We'd crush him without any problem. Bjorn must have seen that as well. 

The servants brought out food and for a few minutes, silence governed the house. Bjorn’s leg rested against mine, and it was such a tender, soft gesture I had to focus on my food to keep from crying. I was so happy that he had told me he still loved me last night, and the stress I was under stopped tearing at me when he was near. He could still calm my mind just by being close, by touching me, or looking at me. 

Halfdan came in early, and I refused to let my eggs go to waste on account of him. He joined us at the table, staring at my eggs as if to conquer them. I gave him a warning look, to not even try it. It had taken me a few weeks to teach the servants how I liked my eggs, poaching them well was difficult with the tools on hand. Halfdan sucked on his teeth as he saw me cut into the yolk and it started running over a piece of bread. 

"I see you're having a slow morning," he said as he tore his eyes away from the eggs. Now he started staring at my hair. He wasn’t subtle about it, at all. 

"We had a long night," Bjorn replied before he tore into a piece of bread dipped in honey. The soft brush of his thumb over my knee told me he thought the same thing. Halfdan was sent here early to butter us up, we could keep him waiting for a bit longer. 

"So I heard..." Thankfully he hadn't seen. He still creeped me out from time to time. "Some people swear they saw Freyja there, but Floki told me it was in fact you. Quite the sight, with all those flowers in your hair." Ubbe scowled at me from behind his ale. 

"Yes, well, what happened there in that tent will remain in that tent." I turned my attention back to my plate. 

"Oh, if the rumors are true you will carry what happened in there with you for a few moons." I slammed down my cutlery and got up. 

"How fortunate then, that other people seem to know more about what's going on with my uterus than me." Bjorn tried to calm me down, knowing how painful it was for me to talk about it. Every time someone mentioned it I was drawn back into that dark vortex that reminded me why exactly I'd lost my fertility. 

"Ragnhild, he couldn't have known. He wasn’t there, when…" I tore my hand from his grasp, knowing it was bullshit. Harald knew, which meant Halfdan knew. Everyone knew I couldn’t carry another child, but no one knew how badly it hurt my pride. I felt like I wasn’t a woman anymore, even though I knew that was nonsense. I hated how no one seemed to understand what it meant to me, how it had added insult to injury to realize, to have to crush my own hopes when I’d finally let Bjorn close again and I hadn’t gotten pregnant. 

"It's you who doesn't know, Bjorn." I stormed off, not wanting to be around men of any age. All of them were blunt brutes, even more so since they were Viking. They didn’t even realize it wasn’t just because of Kol anymore, there was so much more to worry about now. Everything had changed, and once again I was forced to choke the life out of my own hope. 

A few moons back I'd found blood on my legs when I woke up. My periods had come back slowly, and I couldn't explain to Bjorn it wasn't a sign I was no longer barren. That didn't magically restore, but he would put all of his faith in the gods and would want to try for another child immediately. Even if the gods saw fit to bless me, I couldn’t risk it. If I lost another child… I wouldn’t survive, not this time. 

I'd grown self-conscious of my body because of the blood. Ever since Bjorn noticed my scars seemed to fade I hadn't wanted him to touch me anymore. Then a few days later I'd started bleeding again. It was just too much. My prayer was what kept me sane. It kept me standing. He couldn't make it less, or better, or tarnish it in any way. It was mine. As long as my revenge was not complete, I had a reason to keep on going. 

On my way to the temple I kept my eyes straight forward. I felt people staring at me, probably because my hair was so big. I'd kept it fairly simple for a long time, and now I stole the show, thanks to some hallucination. I'd have to ask Helga to cut the flowers out sometime today, when she’d gotten back from her walk. 

The priests were already up and about, eager to prepare for another day of whatever they were planning for. They didn't even look up as I walked by and made my way past the three large wooden carvings, seeking out a smaller shrine in a more secluded area of the temple. The wooden statue was about as tall as I was, in the same style as the three big ones in the main part. 

"Freyja... I need your help. I'm losing my husband, and my mind, and I can't take it anymore. What happened last night? Was it a sign? Should I tell Bjorn? I don't want to disappoint him, he needs to know but I’m afraid he’ll rejoice over nothing." A sigh escaped my mouth as I felt the same warmness I had felt when we arrived here take over my body. She was there, she heard me. I closed my eyes and sank to my knees, feeling tears well up. 

She was real. I didn’t imagine this, it was straight from a story. Freyja was looking out for me, comforted me. It wasn’t the sign I’d been waiting for all these years, but it was what I needed. 

"I suppose you're the closest thing to family I have, with my name and all. And yet I feel so selfish asking you for guidance. You never asked to be thought of as my mother, and for that I apologize. I didn’t know back then what I know today. But Freyja, I beg of you. Give me what I need to keep my husband with me. Don't let me lose him, he - without him I am nothing." I frowned at my own words. It had always been impossible, so I hadn't even entertained the possibility of asking the gods for help. I didn't even know why the idea came to mind, it was ridiculous. Last night I had gotten emotional about it, part of it at least. The whole conversation had turned into a blur, I just remembered that I had cried and wept, and that the woman had comforted me, and that I had spoken of my scars. I’d shown them to her. There was this… Something, an urge to connect about it, but it rarely came to the surface. 

"Another child..." My hand went over my belly. The scars on my thighs and lower abdomen were disappearing, but I had no idea how it still looked on the inside, or how it felt. How bad it truly was. I didn’t want to know how slim my chance at happiness had become. I’d spoken of that as well, last night. That I remembered clear as day, she would guide me towards where I would be happy, and I had ended up in Bjorn’s embrace. 

"Ragnhild?" I wiped away the tears that had rolled down my face as I heard Aslaug’s voice. She stood by the door post, looking as surprised as me. 

"Aslaug..." Just what had she heard? She’d use it against me, if she knew. As much as I didn’t want her to, she knew me. She knew these were tears of sadness, not of joy. "You missed breakfast." 

"I had to confer with the priests. Apparently, they feel like Bjorn should officiate the sacrifices, despite the fact that I am the queen of Kattegat." She felt snubbed. That lightened up my mood a little. 

"He is our king in all but name. Would you rather the honor went to Harald?" 

"That's exactly what the priests said." She stormed off again, knowing I had something to do with it. Both of us had perfected the art of storming off after years of trading blows and insults that went too far, despite the plan I had to get rid of her. Yet another thing I was failing at, that I was trying to do all by myself. 

With a sigh I turned back to Freyja's image, getting back to my feet. It was but a crude representation, not even closely describable as human. I looked at her, took in the symbols and the shapes, recognizing the symbol I wore on my back. It made me want to carve something in her honor, but I knew I was nowhere near as good as Floki. I should sacrifice something to her, to thank her for the things I did have. My freedom, my life, the twins, those were all because of her. My instinct told me not to touch her, ingrained by many museum visits and respect for all things older than a human life, but my fingers found her mask. The wood felt strange, I wondered what kind of tree she had been cut from. 

"Only the vessel of Freyja would dare touch her like that." Great, more interruptions. 

"Is it too intense for you? Can I not spend a little time with her alone?" The man moved silently as a shadow. Only when his fingers found my arm did I notice him being near at all. A shiver ran down my spine as he made contact. 

I turned around, seeing the man looked nothing but plain. Brown hair, brown eyes, shaggy hair and beard. There was nothing discernable about him. Where did he get the nerve to touch me at all? By sight he must have recognized me, especially after last night. He shouldn’t act like he knew me this well, at all. 

"Might I see your markings?" My anger flashed hot. Just last night they all had been on display, and since I had married Bjorn, only a few had dared to ask to see them. 

"That's awfully callous. What makes you think I'll lift my skirts for you?" And why was he still holding on to me? If I could have done so without losing face, I’d have stepped back. But I couldn’t show him weakness, or deference. I had a reputation to uphold, a mask to wear, like Freyja’s. 

"I'm not interested in what's between your legs. I just need to see one." 

"Or else?" The man tried to stare me down, but I just scoffed. He had no right to ask me these kinds of questions, put demands to me. He was close to offending me, but he didn’t seem to notice, or mind at all. "I'm trying to have a conversation with my mother, so if you don't mind..." 

"Your mother?" He looked like he was about to start laughing. His hand still lingered. 

"I am called Ragnhild Freyjasdottir for a reason." I moved my arm, but he kept holding onto it. He didn’t grasp, but he kept his hand in place. 

"Freyjasdottir... If that's how you are called, then what is your true name?" I'd told two people. Once it had been a necessity; the other time had been for love. This stranger wouldn't hear me say it. I could get thrown out of Uppsala for just mentioning it. Just the thought, a vessel who was raised as a Christian, who wore the name of their most important female icon, who was asked to officiate. 

"It's none of your business. It's not of this world. Now leave me be." I turned back to the statue, hoping the warm feeling would return. It was the one thing that could comfort me at a time like this. I was grieving, but with all the interruptions and other burdens I carried it was hard to process all that I had lost. 

"Don't disrespect the gods." My eyes flitted over, taking in the man again. 

"And how do you imagine I've done that?" 

"You speak to them in too familiar tones." I took his offending arm by the wrist and tore it off me, having had enough of his nonsense. 

"If they do not approve, I'm certain they will let me know. I happen to think someone who isn't full of demands and doesn't treat them as if they hold all responsibility for our lives is rather refreshing to them." He didn’t understand a thing I just said. His frown was annoying, he could figure it out on his own time. Who was he, anyway? 

"You make no sense," he muttered. He seemed to know a lot about me, whereas I didn't know anything about him. Should I treat him as an enemy, or a visitor come for my wisdom? Or should I just scare him off, so I could be alone with Freyja? 

"What is your name?" I asked. 

"My name is gone. I am of the Ulfhednar." A priest, of sorts. He didn't have any scars on his head yet and didn't wear the traditional braids. This one would remain here, not roam Midgard. He was far too scraggly to be imposing. 

"Then you must still be in training." The man's face contorted a little at my words. A berserker as skinny as he... The mere thought brought a smile to my face. Bjorn had told me how the berserker had looked that had come after him, he'd been more bear than human. "Do you always lecture other chosen ones on how to do the task set to them?" 

"I do when they are wrong," he said without skipping a beat. 

"Then you lied to me. Surely only the gods know what they like. How can a berserker in training know more than a vessel? Who do you think you are?" 

"Careful, Ragnhild. You do not want me for an enemy." He stood up straight, lifting up his hand as if to touch me again. He’d not lay a hand on me again. 

"And you do not want to stand against me." I slowly lengthened my spine, staring down the man who was a little taller than me. "I am the vessel of Freyja, wife to Bjorn Ironside. In all but name, I am the queen of Kattegat and the Danes. Do you think it wise to challenge me? Do you think I am easily intimidated, Ulfhednar? Had you expected me to shy away and heed your demands? I won't show you any skin I don't want you to see. I refuse to adhere to your interpretation of how to talk to the gods. I am my own woman, and if you have a problem with that you can go fuck yourself." The man kept silent. I left him behind, knowing it was useless to try and talk to him now or ask him to leave. 

Most of all the man had been eerily familiar with me, as if I was supposed to know him somehow. I pushed him out of my mind, then realized I hadn't even talked to Freyja about what I truly had wanted to say. It didn't matter. I'd never be with child again, talking to a statue wouldn't change that. I should be focusing on the things I could change, that could harm me, like Harald. 

I ran into the twins on my way back to the house. They looked anxious to get back to the longhouse and tried to stay out of sight, but they were terrible at hiding from me. 

"Thormund! Siggy!" They turned around and slowed down as they saw me. "You missed breakfast," I reminded them. 

"We were out walking," Thormund said. I almost believed him, but for the obvious welts Siggy had inflicted on his arms. He tried to hide them too late. 

"Next time strip the bark off the branches before you swat at each other, you'll get real scars." They both had the grace to blush. "I told you, you can't go off rushing into these things without supervision. You could've poked each other's eyes out. I don't want you two to run off and teach yourselves how to fight. You'll just -" 

"You don't let us fight at all!" Thormund shouted as I put my hand on his back. He knocked it away, showing an anger that was barely above a tantrum. It almost made me smile, but I knew I had to hold back on that. 

"Yeah, and dad never has time to teach us," Siggy said, siding with her brother. "You said he would teach us, but he only showed us how to hold our sword this one time. We’re old enough to learn how to use a sword!" 

"If you'll let me finish..." They rolled their eyes synchronously. "I was about to say that if you teach yourselves, you have to unlearn almost all of it and that will mean you are at a disadvantage. So, if you promise not to practice until we get back to Kattegat, I'll make sure you will receive some proper training." 

"With Ubbe and Hvitserk?" Siggy sulked. "They refuse to even try and hit me." Thank the gods those two hadn't gone completely insane. If they went at Siggy the way she wanted them to, I wouldn't have much of a daughter left. 

"That's because they're underestimating you, and you know that. They still think of you as their baby sister." 

"I'm five!" 

"And I still remember how Hvitserk hoped you would be a girl so he'd have a sister for once." Thormund scowled at my words. The story always made him feel unwanted. "And then, it turned out I was to have one of each. It wasn't until I was already giving birth that I knew, and I have never been happier to have been proven wrong." I wrapped one arm around each of them, holding them close. I'd never hold another child of my own like this again, with them being so small and dependent on me. Each day they grew, they developed further, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I had to fight back tears as I sank to their level. "You know how much I love you, and that I will never have more children. To me, you are my world, and I will do everything I can to keep you safe. And a big part of that is realizing you are no longer toddlers. You need to learn how to defend yourselves." 

"That's what we've been doing," Thormund noted. 

"No, you're playing around with sticks. When we get back, I will ask Thorfan if he will train you properly. How does that sound?" 

"But he's lame in his foot." 

"And he will still beat the two of you with both his hands tied behind his back. You can learn a lot from him, and you won't have to wait around to see if your father has time." It was better than nothing, to be sure, and I had a feeling Thorfan would be happy to find something to fill out his days. Perhaps some exercises that resembled physiotherapy could help him out as well, get him a bit more mobile. I'd have to think on how to approach him about it. 

"He is very good at fighting with a sword," Siggy admitted with her eyes looking down. 

"No way, have you seen him with a broad-axe? There's a reason they call his the Splitjaw." The twins kept up their enthusiastic talk all the way back to the house. Now the boys were off, but Aslaug had returned to join Bjorn and Harald in their conversation. Thormund immediately ran for the new axes up against the wall, whereas Siggy carefully approached Harald's braid. Halfdan snarled at Thormund, who reluctantly put down the axe he held in his hand. 

"Ragnhild, we're kind of in the middle of something," Aslaug said with a smile that was just a bit too kind. Even Harald ignored her as he made big eyes at Siggy, who dropped a knife she had somehow gotten a hold of. Her other hand had been reaching out to his braid. Ivar must have been hiding his toys again. She hid behind my skirts, leering at Harald as if he'd offended her grievously. 

"Alright kids, grab something to eat and either keep silent or head out for a bit." The twins ran over to the servants to grab some bread, and off they went again. At least they would have some food in their bellies. 

Bjorn gestured for me to come and sit next to him. He even helped me sit down. I was suspicious of his reasons but happy to have him so mindful of me. It was like last night had changed something important between us, as if… As if I’d found back my happiness with him. I was certain Freyja was behind it, somehow. It must have been what the warm, fuzzy feeling was about. She had my back, she knew what I needed to keep on being her Vessel, even though I still had no idea what it was she wanted me to do. 

"Ragnhild..." Aslaug motioned for me to get lost, but I ignored it. In fact, I doubled down. 

"The priests are all excited for you to officiate," I told Bjorn. I kissed his shoulder, as his lips were too far away. He smiled down at me, making me feel a lot better. He’d washed up and changed his clothes, he smelled clean. 

"Aslaug told us they might have gotten a sign," Harald said as he took me in. He must have heard from Halfdan why I’d run off before he came here. There was something feral about him, he was trying to find weaknesses. If he thought mentioning the past would do him any good in terms of an advantage, he was mistaken. 

"Oh, they must have. You know, they offered it to me, first." Aslaug almost started to give off smoke. I could see it from the corner of my eye, and I had to do my best to hide my smile. "But this is only my first time here, I'd rather just watch for now. It’s not a role to make light of." Who knew what I was like in 9 years. I might just feel comfortable sacrificing animals and humans. 

"I've been meaning to ask, why was Bjorn chosen?" Harald didn't want it to be known he was jealous as well. 

"You know the honor always goes to the strongest man, Harald." Bjorn managed to put in just the right amount of sass and formality. He wrapped an arm around me, slowly rubbing my spine. I loved it when he did that. It made me feel strong, confident, and loved. I had needed this more than I thought. 

Halfdan looked bored, taking in Aslaug as she went through a few facial expressions the rest of us pointedly ignored. The longer she would take to recover, the clearer it became she was just a puppet. The only thing that kept her in power was us not knowing if Ragnar was dead or alive. If he would return, Bjorn and I would lose our position completely. She'd get her due, eventually. I’d make sure of that. When she was dead, Bjorn and I would become the rightful king and queen, regardless of where Ragnar was. 

"Aye, the strongest man... Or woman, it seems." Harald glanced at me, but only shortly. His eyes went back to Bjorn, though I could see he was straining to keep them there. He wanted to figure out how I could have been asked, when I had been such a mess just three years prior. 

"So, tell me. You wanted to discuss a joint raid again?" Bjorn said, taking charge of the meeting. 

"Yes, the East is ravaged. There's no viable plunder to go after." He wanted to go to Britain with us. He hadn't joined us since Paris, where he had tried to overthrow Ragnar. Based on his history with us, he should be groveling a great deal more. 

Back in Paris, he had wanted to unmask Ragnar for the addict he was, in public. It would have led to so much dissent that Harald wouldn’t be blamed for taking on Ragnar in single combat for the kingdom. Even if Bjorn would have been strong enough to take on Harald after, there was still Halfdan to contend with. He could take on either of them, of that I was certain, but both on the day he lost his father was too much. 

Bjorn knew that too, of course. He had spent a lot of time thinking about it, what he would have done if they had succeeded, on his way back to Kattegat. He had admitted that it was easier than worry about me all the time. He would have snuck out, gone back before Harald did to warn everyone, get the defenses ready. To get back to me and be there for the birth, to ask me for help. He would have needed me as much as I had needed him to be there. 

He didn’t like to think about how things could have gone, he thought it was tempting the gods. Still, after Ragnar had left he kept repeating everything in his head, to see if he could have prevented his father leaving. Only after he had admitted the full story to me did I understand why he felt so guilty all the time, what had eaten away at him. It was the thing that had made me feel connected to him again, the conversation that had made me open up to him again. 

And now I was hiding again, in plain sight. He knew where I was, but he didn’t know what it was about. I couldn’t see him suffer through another day of thinking what would be if things were differently. If I told him about my periods coming back he would connect that to my scars fading, and he would be happy, for however short it was, only to fall back down into despair when he heard I still couldn’t carry a child. I couldn’t have him doubt himself and the gods again, and least of all have him doubt me. I needed to protect him from that, especially now we were finally reconnecting again. 

"You wouldn't happen to be after our way of navigation, now would you?" Aslaug asked. Harald's smile slowly turned creepy as he shot Aslaug a glance that was almost flirtatious. He was terrible at this, and Halfdan knew that, too. He scraped his throat rather loudly, making Harald remember himself. 

"You must admit, it’s a nifty trick that’s worth a lot…" Harald let his sentence trail off, as if he was offering a blank check for us to fill out. He would greatly benefit from having a sun stone of his own, he would be able to navigate the seas like we could. As far as I was concerned he could have it, Floki and I were well on our way to develop a working compass that wouldn’t break too easily. 

"That belongs to my husband," Aslaug spat. She was taking this as a personal affront, as if she still loved Ragnar. If anyone cursed his name, it was her. 

He had left her in charge of the kingdom, but in doing so he had also proclaimed his marriage to be over, for their love to be gone. He had admitted that he had only stayed with her because of the boys, that she had never truly held his love. Those close to him had known, but only when he left had Aslaug fully understood it herself. Had she not hurt me the way she did, I would have felt pity for her. Had she taken care of her children herself, she would have gotten my support, no questions asked. But she’d made a mess of things, had pushed us all out before he had gone, and now she had to suffer for it. 

But still, it was nothing compared to how I would make her suffer. She would die staring into my eyes, knowing why she died, who had killed her. I would feel her blood on my skin, see the light die in her eyes. 

"It belongs to all of us," I interjected. "Ragnar meant for our people to thrive, not just the select few." 

"Then you would let us join on a raid to England? You told me once that I would be wise to follow Bjorn." He said it as if I was keeping him from my own wisdom. It was a poor attempt to goad me into siding with him. I opened my mouth to respond, but Halfdan beat me to it. 

"You know, the day he returned from Kattegat that first time, something strange happened. Do you remember that comb you gifted him? You said it came from an elesaunt, but we found a whale that had a tusk made from the same stuff." I sat up straight, eager to hear more. A horned whale… 

"Was it white? It wouldn’t have been big, compared to a whale." 

"More of a grayish hue, it looked old. Have you heard of such a creature?" I glanced over at Bjorn, who was curious as well. Even Aslaug was intrigued. 

"I think you might have seen a narwhal. The tusk is in fact a large tooth. It’s about as long as a bastard sword, shaped in a spiral. They use it to communicate and hunt, and it is in fact made of elven bone." I watched closely as the brothers shot each other a glance. They had never mentioned this before, but it was important to them. If they thought their visit to Kattegat was somehow connected to it… 

Bjorn’s hand was tensing on my back. He looked laid-back, but he was taking everything in the same as me. Halfdan’s face showed a shimmer of excitement. He wanted to ask me about everything else I knew that he still might discover one day, he lived for adventure and the fight. 

"Did we, now… A narwhal, you say? If you want, you can come to Vestfold and check out the bones we still have. They were a gift from the gods, I’m sure your husband wouldn’t deny you the sight of it. That is, if you agree that we should join forces?" He thought he was being smooth, again. Aside from the obvious ploy to get me to convince Bjorn, I knew better than to put my own interests in front of the kingdom. 

"I mean for you to do whatever Bjorn thinks is best." I wouldn't be goaded into deciding for him that easily, but I did want us to know what his forces looked like after all these years. I couldn’t care less about the horn, to me it wasn’t that special. I’d seen plenty in my life. "My love? What do you say?" I put a hand on Bjorn’s leg, turning into his embrace. 

"I say it would be a smart move to bring a trusted ally with us to unknown lands." I smiled widely, liking the fact he had come to the same conclusion. Aslaug didn’t even factor into this, and she knew. 

"Unknown lands?" Halfdan was very much interested now, beyond the plays they had come up with up front. "Where are you taking us? To see those elesaunts?" He was eager as a child to get going, but I wouldn’t send half the town off on a fool’s errand. Floki had to make boats that would survive the journey first, we needed to tweak some things to help navigate, we needed to get our hands on more maps. When we were back, two new boat designs would set sail to Scotland to see how well they worked on an open sea. Bjorn had learned the virtue of being patient when it came to things like this, even though he was dying to go to the same lands I had been to before. 

"Something a bit more dreary. It rains a lot, which makes the soil very fertile. And where there are rich farmlands..." 

"Rich farmers are ready for us to plunder," Harald finished. "Is this one of your bold ideas, vessel?" 

"It is. Just because they call their land Northumbria doesn't mean it's north of the island." And besides, with that many small islands near the coast, it was perfect to try and put up a permanent post with a farm or two while we were at it. I had promised to use my knowledge to benefit Bjorn, and this was how it was turning out. 

"Are you sure such a land even exists?" 

"I am sure enough to send my husband there." To the rest of the world, we were still the airtight pair that no one could tear apart. And last night might've brought us back to that place. I had to resist the urge to lean into Bjorn. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, show him how proud I was of him, how badly I wanted him to succeed, but I had to hold back for now. Maybe after the meeting… Aslaug wouldn’t stick around when we were in the back making love. 

"Then we'll head towards Kattegat when we have made it back. It'll take about a week." That was a reasonable amount of time to prepare, this late in the season. It also meant that Lars got a short reprieve of his woes, at least until next spring. 

"Very well." Bjorn called for horns to celebrate the arrangement. I took one too, glad to have played a part in this successful talk. Bjorn and I had been on the same line, and I couldn’t resist softly squeezing his leg. He looked down with a similar look as mine, the vomit-inducing sparkle of fresh, rekindled love in his eyes. At least, that was what Halfdan thought, judging by the revolted sounds he was making. 

"I thought you didn't drink in your condition," Aslaug suddenly said. She'd been quiet mostly, but now she looked smug. 

"And what condition would that be?" The ice in my voice made the entire house feel chilly. All of my joy had been leeched out, instantly. I hated how she could make me change moods this easily. It was a form of power she held over me, and I could see why she would choose to wield it now. Still, it made me furious. 

"You are with child." My eyes flitted over towards Bjorn, who didn't know if he should be worried about me reacting, or feeling overjoyed at the news. She'd been right about this before, with Kol. His mind went to my fading scars, the amazing sex we had yesterday. I could see the hope building in his eyes, even though he tried to hide it. This was exactly what I had hoped to prevent by keeping still, and Aslaug had somehow made sure it would all blow up. 

Bjorn wasn't satisfied. He wanted more, and I couldn't begrudge him for it. He wanted what I wanted, what I couldn’t give him. The hope in his eyes tore at my heart. I felt ready to burst out crying again, feeling overwhelmed with everything as it grew too much to bear. 

"She overheard me talking to the gods," I clarified, my voice only barely shaking. "She didn't See anything." Still, I got up and handed back my horn. Ubbe had left his bow and quiver by the door, and I didn't hesitate to bring them with me. I needed to let off steam before I would choke Aslaug until her eyes bulged out of her skull. 

It had been a mistake to talk to Freyja in a language other people could understand. Aslaug was sure to use all that she had heard against me. I had to find a way to keep the peace between us, but if she kept throwing around accusations like this, that would be hard for me. 

Some naked people passed me by, holding hands as they giggled with excitement. They looked so free of worry that I felt a pang of jealousy. Maybe Bjorn and I would be that carefree again, one day. We had plenty to talk about, at any rate. I couldn't keep my periods hidden from him for much longer. He would find out, and if he didn’t hear it from me he would resent me for it. He would be disappointed in me even more, and I would feel even worse for failing him again. I wanted him to know, to understand, but I didn’t know how to phrase it all. How could I even begin to explain it without getting his hopes up at all? 

It took a while, but I found a spot secluded enough not to worry about hitting someone that came running out of nowhere. I picked a nice tree and tried my best to shred it to tinder. In my mind it was Aslaug I was aiming at, not a birch. 

She’d picked the worst time to make such a comment. It had been meant as a lashing for how I’d talked over her during the meeting. With Harald and Halfdan there I couldn’t lash out at her without giving up part of my position above her, I couldn’t cry as I wanted to and was forced to show a strength I barely had. And Bjorn… He wasn’t able to share how he felt. He couldn’t go against her either, or do or say anything to comfort me. 

Shooting off arrow after arrow relaxed me. The strength I needed to pull back the string made me feel like I achieved something, that I was working hard. Hitting the tree, getting all the arrows in a line, it made me feel like I was good at this. I loved archery, and even though most of my time was spent on retrieving the arrows, it brought a stillness to my mind. For just a split second, my mind stopped working. I stopped worrying. 

"You'll dull all of my arrows." An arrow flew from my bow, forming a straight line with the other ones already lodged in there. 

"I'm sorry I didn't ask. I just had to get out of there, otherwise I’d gotten my own bow." Without looking at Ubbe I retrieved the arrows already stuck in the tree. "How did you find me, anyway?" 

"You tend to go where the others aren't. You went downhill and didn't want the sun to interfere with your sight. There aren't that many directions to go, really." I shot him an appraising glance. Since when was he watching my every move? "Why did you storm off, anyway?" 

"Your mother said some painful things." 

"Like what?" I knew he would want to hear the story, but I didn’t ravel in having to tell it. If Ubbe didn’t like my answers he would shout at me to take him seriously, and that I couldn’t deal with without starting to cry. 

"She told me I'm pregnant." I said it so softly he almost didn’t hear. 

"She is a Seeress. What makes you think she was lying?" He crossed his arms, the way Bjorn always did. It made him look like an upset toddler, despite his length and new haircut. 

"I can't have children anymore, Ubbe. My womb was pierced multiple times, and there's scar tissue in there that keeps me from conceiving again. There is no way your mother could be right, and I don't like thinking back to how it all happened." 

"Do you not think the gods capable of blessing you?" I held out the bow and quiver, but Ubbe didn't take them. "Do you even have scars left? I heard Floki talking to Bjorn before you woke up." 

"You don't know what happened back then, you were off raiding. And as I said, I don't want to talk about it." I had taught him at an early age that I would never push his boundaries if he told me I had hit them, but lately he had no trouble trying to push past mine. I knew it was a part of him trying to find his place in the world, but it cost a lot of energy to stay firm with him. He needed clear boundaries and rules, that’s what made him come to me whenever he had a problem and not Aslaug. 

"You don't want to talk about it, ever. It's been years." I wanted to shout at him, but it was better to try and make him understand. I sat down and gestured for him to do the same. I took a moment to gather whatever strength I had, knowing I could come out of this feeling stronger as well. 

"I think about my son every day. I feel the hurt of having to miss him, still. Do you know what happened?" 

"I heard the stories. Sigurd was terrified whenever he saw blood for a while, he thought it was yours somehow. I still don't understand, how could he be scared of a little blood?" Everyone had heard the stories, and all of them left out the fear and pain I had gone through. Some days I still felt it, a whisper of what it used to be, an echo through time. 

"I tried to run away when I was still in labor, on the second day. I was trying to get home, so I could cut him out of my own womb." Ubbe looked troubled at that, keeping his eyes down. "Sigurd caught me in front of the doors of the hall, and he saw how much I had been bleeding, then how I was dragged back. He must have heard me screaming. Your mother kept shouting I would die, and I shouted for her to stop killing my son. It was about me struggling too much, but if you just heard the shouts... Sigurd was afraid I would die, and somehow he linked me dying to all the blood he saw. Every time he saw it, he was afraid to lose me all over again." 

"I don't get it." 

"I lost a lot of blood, it must have been everywhere. With your mother and Helga covered in it and me screaming, I think Sigurd thought that any blood he saw was mine. He was too young to realize that I had gone through an exceptionally long birth. And I couldn't explain it to him, back then. I was too... It was hard for me, and it still is. Do you know what had to be done to keep me alive?" 

"Yes, everyone knows. Why is it still such a big deal to you? It's been four years, why would it bother you when mother says you might be pregnant?" I sighed, feeling like I wasn’t getting anywhere yet. Ubbe couldn’t possibly know what it had been like, to feel the pieces of Kol leave my body. Even if I would try to explain it, it would be useless. 

"It left me unable to conceive. I can't have any more children, ever. I am barren. It's a miracle I even survived, after all the blood I lost." 

"Mother told me you brought that on yourself." Of course she would mention that detail out of the thousand things that mattered. 

"I struggled to keep my son alive. I was prepared to give my life for him, just like the men who will die in a few days to appease the gods. I wanted Vinh to kill me, so my son would live. That’s why I struggled." 

"That's not the same. Those men will die in sacrifice for the gods. You showed cowardice." I took a deep breath. Then another. He was listening. He was trying to understand. 

"Then what would you die for?" I asked. 

"For glory. And treasure." He was so much like the stereotypical Viking. So much like his father, when he was younger. 

"And what are glory and treasure compared to a newborn son in your arms? Would you rather save a chest full of treasure than your brothers?" 

"I'd save my brothers," he admitted. 

"I was struggling because I would rather die than have my son killed. If I died from the blood loss, saving my son was the only option left to them. I chose this, but no one allowed me to make that decision. So my son was killed in my womb anyway, and I grew barren all the same. I have accepted that, it's just part of my life now. For four years I have tried to heal, and finally, I am somewhat at ease with this. At least enough to talk about it with you. But when your mother told me I was pregnant, she only based that on what she heard me say to Freyja." She’d said it to hurt me. 

"She didn't have a vision?" Of all the things I had told him, this was the thing that caught his attention? 

"No. I..." Did I want to tell Ubbe about me and Bjorn? "I asked Freyja to bless me this morning." 

"With a child?" He looked at me, not understanding. It felt like he was judging me, it made me feel selfish. I already had the twins, and the boys. It should be enough, it was more than others had. Freyja had more important things to worry about. 

"It's foolish. I know in my heart it cannot happen, but I see the hurt in Bjorn's eyes whenever he sees a pregnant woman, or a small child. And it hurts me that I cannot give him what he wants." 

"But you're not responsible for his happiness. If he's not happy, he should talk to you about it, and then you work it out like always." If only it were that easy... 

"Bjorn wants another child. I can't give it to him, so there's not much to talk about." 

"He'd never leave you." Ubbe kept his eyes on the ground. "Not over something like this, he loves you more than he loves another child. He's not... Bjorn's not father." I looked to the side, seeing a strange determination in his eyes. This wasn’t about Kol anymore, at all. 

"Ubbe?" 

"It's been over three years. Father will not come back. I'm not stupid. No matter what mother says, I'm not counting on ever seeing him again. I hate him for leaving us, and I can't see how Bjorn didn't hate him when father left him the first time." I threw an arm around him. Only when we were in private did he allow me to show this kind of intimacy. He leaned into me, resting his head on my shoulder. 

No wonder he was acting out. He was grieving his own loss, now that he had a sense of just what it was that he missed. I should have realized sooner. As much time as he had spent with Bjorn to learn all about surviving, if only to set my own heart at ease, Ubbe had wanted to learn from his father. They must have talked about Ragnar, Bjorn thought he was ready to hear the whole truth. 

"Bjorn remembers Ragnar differently. He was your age when his mother divorced Ragnar, and he made the decision to go with his mother. Bjorn knows what it's like to live without his father. I won't say he fares better because he is older, but he does know more than you. And the first time, he had a choice. He could have stayed in Kattegat. He chose to be with his mother. Four years ago, Ragnar made the decision for you." 

"He left us. That’s not a decision, that’s fleeing." The bitterness in his voice almost made me shiver. Ubbe had been giving this a lot of thought recently, he wasn’t just saying things. It all started to make sense. He hadn’t been mad at me for not giving him enough attention, he was mad at Ragnar and needed to let it out on someone. He hated how I left my fights with Aslaug because it reminded him of how Ragnar left me. I wasn’t happy to be his target, but at the least I could understand it now. I could help him overcome this. Even though I knew Ubbe wouldn’t understand at first. 

"He was ill, he was a danger to himself and those around him. He did... Ragnar did the right thing." 

"How can you say that!" Ubbe stood up as he yelled at me. "He is my father! How dare he leave me like that! I don't care where he went, he had an obligation to me! To my brothers! I can't take care of my family by myself!" My heart broke for him. He was so young and already felt like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

"Being a parent is difficult. Ragnar hurt you, I know that. But sometimes leaving is the best thing to do." I kept eye contact, knowing Ubbe would shout again. I had to be strong for him, so I could get him to accept the loss of his father, make the first step towards healing. I always told him to come to me if he had questions about Ragnar, or things he didn’t understand, and this was where I had to pull through for him. 

"And what would you know about that? You always come back when you storm off!" I kept my cool. Ubbe wasn't truly mad at me. I was just the one closest by when he snapped. 

"Have you ever heard about my father?" He was caught off guard by my question. His shoulders fell, and his scowl disappeared. Some perspective might do him good, if only to realize that Ragnar wasn’t the worst father ever for leaving. 

"He's dead. You killed him yourself." More rumors... But the good kind, at least. No more things about me fucking Erlendur, or my brother. 

"I did." Ubbe slumped down on the grass, his head hung low. He already seemed to feel guilty for yelling at me. "Had he left me when I was your age, I would have been the happiest girl in the world. Ragnar wasn't near as bad as my father was, not in a hundred years. To tell you the truth, I used to be jealous of you and your brothers for having such a caring, loving father. I never knew love like that, before I came here. But Ragnar knew he was sick. He could never fully heal had he stayed in Kattegat and had he tried, he would have hurt you and your brothers. He didn't want that for you, because he loves you." 

"How could you know that?" Ubbe asked. He was angry, I could hear it echo through his words. But at the same time, he wanted to hear more. Had he been afraid to ask me before? Or hadn’t he realized there was more to the story? 

"Because he made me promise I would look after his sons. All of them." Ubbe raised his head a little, staring at the grass in front of me. I tried to get him to look at me, but he kept staring at the grass. 

"Then it's true. You were the last to see him." His voice was almost hopeful, as if I could tell him something to make it all easier on him. 

"I did. He was addicted, and that evening he finished the last of the drugs. That foreign girl, Idu?" Ubbe nodded. "He killed her because she said she didn't have more of that paste with her. That's why he strangled her back in Paris. That's how bad it could've been had he stayed here. He did that because he was desperate to get his hands on more." He frowned, no doubt thinking back to that time. 

"He would never hurt us," he muttered. Even he didn’t believe his words. "Father took me and Hvitserk with him to keep us safe, I remember him telling us that. Why would he do that if he was a threat to us?" For a split second I could see how small he felt. These questions must have plagued him for years. 

I didn’t know how to respond. All he had left was Aslaug, and what little she gave him and Hvitserk. I didn’t want him to resent her for her part in driving away his father. But I wouldn’t lie to him, not when he asked me an adult question. 

"Your father didn’t trust Aslaug anymore, after what happened with Harbard. Ragnar was worried something might happen to you again, like when you almost drowned in the lake. He wanted to keep an eye out for you, to keep you safe." 

"Then why wasn’t Sigurd with us? Or Ivar?" We were drifting away from the topic. I wanted to return to discussing why Ragnar had left, not hack into Aslaug. As much as I hated her, she still held the love of Ubbe and Hvitserk. 

"They were too young, for one. Ragnar made me promise to take care of Sigurd, to treat him like he was my own. And I did, because I knew it would help him look after the two of you. The truth is, I didn’t want you two to come with. No one thought it was a good idea, to us it was a clear sign Ragnar was getting worse." 

"But nothing happened," Ubbe stressed. Somehow he had ended up defending his father now, and as he noticed himself, I saw how confused he was. 

"Rollo attacked the camp when you hit those forts," I said decisively. Ubbe looked up from the sharpness of my tone. "I warned your father that Rollo was unlike anyone he had ever faced off against, and he ignored me. If you hadn’t snuck away to practice with your bows you would’ve been slaughtered as well, Bjorn told me all about it. I was furious when I heard. Your father knows that going on a raid comes with its own dangers, and instead of leaving you with me he took you into danger. I’ll never forgive him for that." I meant it, felt the anger surge through me again. "You and Hvitserk are the reason I wanted to try and build a life for myself here, and he put you in danger. He was so out of it he couldn’t take care of you anymore, and that is inexcusable, even if you are addicted." 

"But he didn’t hurt us…" Ubbe was only getting more confused, but I grew confident in my feelings. Ragnar had crossed too many lines, and after all this time I was finally able to point out why I felt so angry of him and what he had done wrong. 

"He could have. I've seen terrible things happen because of it. That stuff, it changes a man, all for the worse." I sighed, letting my anger go. Ubbe leaned into me, like before, and I slung an arm around him again. This time his head rested against mine, almost forcing my head to his shoulder. Even sitting down he was taller than me now, and he was still getting used to how long and strong he was becoming. 

"He really left to protect us?" 

"I think he did, yes." 

"Mother never said that." 

"Your mother doesn't know what I do, about what was wrong with him. She doesn't even want to hear his name when I'm around." 

"I noticed... She doesn't seem to like you anymore." I wanted to steer clear from having to tell him that truth, but I was hard-pressed to come up with a topic. I felt like he was starting to think about how it all had affected me, and somehow that didn’t strike the right cord with me. Fortunartely, Ubbe broke the silence himself. "Hvitserk and I sneaked out to see the orgy." 

"What did you see?" I was glad he told me of his own volition, even though it had been far from my mind with all that had happened today. 

"I saw you and Bjorn, and all those people staring. Everyone seemed to have sex with everyone. I thought that was disrespectful." 

"Have you ever taken a bit of mushroom?" He shook his head. "They make you very, very happy. It gets very easy to love when you eat those mushrooms. Sex isn't just about a penis and a vagina, during those orgies it's about making love. You want to share how good you feel with the world, and the world wants to share its goodness with you. It's not considered cheating, or real sex. But it's hard to explain, and you need to be a little experienced to keep it enjoyable for everyone, which is why there is an age limit." 

"Then why didn't Bjorn let anyone touch you?" He’d seen the start of it, at the least. 

"Because we are assholes. That wasn't the place to keep to ourselves. How much did you see?" Ubbe kicked at the dirt with his boot. 

"We followed you out," he admitted. He'd seen it all. "We saw you get undressed right outside when we got home, you didn’t even notice us when we walked up to you. You had this… I was worried something would happen if you went off on your own." I thought he’d gone after me because he wanted to know what the orgy was about, this didn’t sound like he had been acting out at all. "I sent Sigurd back to the longhouse with your dress, he didn’t want to go back at first." 

"That’s very sweet of you, for looking out for me. I thought you went of your own accord, I’m sorry for getting mad at you." 

"Well, I did stay a bit longer than I should have…" He looked away, as if the memory of me naked was somehow embarrassing to him. I had seen to his baths from the start, I thought of him as my son, but to him it must have been strange to see his auntie naked like that. 

"What did you think of it?" I asked. 

"It was weird. People moved so slow. If I had that much pussy lying around I'd waste no time at all." He tried to sound tough, but he didn’t impress me, at all. 

"And just by using that kind of language you show me you are not ready yet. That's the reason you are not allowed to join. You'll see, next time you are old enough. You'll understand it, then." 

"No thanks. I might run into you and Bjorn. You guys were intense." 

"When you partake, it's completely normal to be naked. You just move around those you do not want to be with, for whatever reason. It's hard to explain when you're not a part of it. I didn’t understand it either, before I was there." He hesitated, about what he wanted to say. I nudged him, telling him it was okay. This was one of our safe conversations that I would take to my grave. 

"I was worried about you and Bjorn," he said. "I could feel something was off, but then last night..." 

"Was it confusing?" 

"It was weird. Half the stuff you guys did, I never even heard of." Thank goodness for that. Torstein had told the boys more than enough filth when they were children, now he had kids of his own that were growing up he knew why I’d been so pissed at him. 

"Ubbe, you're only fourteen. You're not supposed to know everything." 

"I should know enough." 

"You're not old enough to have sex yet. Don’t put all this pressure on yourself, it’ll only make you unhappy. There’s enough of that in the world already." 

"I am ready," he said as if it was a fact, and not a feeling. 

"Trust me, it's better to wait a little until you're older. You know, where I come from some people wait until they’re twenty, just to be safe. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s not a race." 

"Now you’re just making stuff up, auntie. And besides, that's not what all the others say. I should practice, so I know how to do it when I meet the right woman. How old were you, anyway?" I took in a deep breath, knowing it was a perfectly normal question, but still... 

"It's difficult to answer that," I decided on. 

"How can that be? You told me you would be honest with me about this sort of thing, as long as I didn't ask anything about what you do underneath the furs. Though I suppose I found out last night." He added that last bit with a smirk, as if he had finally figured out a secret. I was glad to have him feeling less angry, but he had not chosen a cheerful topic. 

"It's difficult for me to talk about, because I lost my virginity when I was raped." Ubbe's demeanor lost all its bravery. I could see he hadn’t meant to touch upon such a delicate subject. He lowered his eyes, but kept his head up. He was sorry to hear it, and listened to me speak with the respect the story deserved. It made me proud of him, that he knew how to react to such a thing. It had been hard, but some of what I had tried to teach him about this darker side of being an adult had stuck. "It was at something like a feast, but without the food. There was loud music, you would have to shout to make yourself heard by the person next to you. I was there with some friends, without any parents or family. The place was so big that I lost my friends. I tried to look for them, and some guys offered to help me look for them. One of them offered me a drink to help settle my nerves. It was forbidden by law, I wasn’t allowed to drink until I turned sixteen. But I didn’t care, I was lost and confused. They kept on getting me drinks, and they kept on getting stronger. They made sure I was unable to fight them when they dragged me off to a dark alley. I was fourteen, at the time." 

"How many were there?" Ubbe asked after a short silence. 

"Four. They were older than me, and stronger. I remember this one guy, he had terrifying eyes. I’ll never forget those. The other three just wanted to have sex, but that one wanted me to suffer." 

"Did they die for what they did?" 

"No. Nothing happened, at all. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. I lay there on the floor for a while, but no one came to help me. I had to get up myself and went home. My father was still up, but he had this look in his eyes… It was that same malice, and somehow I -" I shouldn’t be telling him this much. He was still a child. 

"Auntie. It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I won’t tell anyone, ever." He wrapped his arms around me, almost making me cry. Just this morning I was ready to slap him, and now he was so kind to me I was moved to tears. 

"Thank you, Ubbe. It means a lot to me to hear you say that." I leaned into him, amazed with how well he could comfort me. I made the right call, telling him about this. 

"There’s just… Someone must have noticed, after it happened. I can’t imagine you just went on as if nothing happened." He was trying to find some justification, some reason to believe in the good of people, but I knew I couldn’t give it to him. 

"My father knew. He..." I took a deep breath and decided to tell Ubbe the truth. He was on the cusp of being an adult, after all. It was important for him to know about how such a thing could impact someone. "He was the one to set it up, as a punishment for going against him. He had the men pay him, then let them know where I would be and what I wore. I found out shortly after." 

"No wonder you wanted him to leave. What kind of a monster was he?" 

"The kind that deserved to get stabbed in the heart. Which I did, four years later." 

"Why didn't you tell me before?" 

"What good would it have done? I managed to move past it, and that's most important. I learned that sex can be wonderful if you do it right. There's no rush, and you don't have to understand all of it at once. The most important thing is that both you and the one you do it with are comfortable. There's a whole world out there waiting for you to explore it, Ubbe. Take your time to figure out what you like, and who you like to do it with. There's just one golden rule when it comes to this sort of thing." 

"Don't think with your dick," he said with a grin. 

"Exactly. If something feels off, don't do it. So don't go off having sex just to have sex. You'll know when you're ready, and when you find the right person. There's no need to rush, there's no honor in doing it sooner or more often. It's about sharing something wonderful with someone you care about." I knew he understood, and maybe he'd even listen to me. There was still something that was bothering him, even after all the difficult topics we had grazed over. "Is there anything else you'd like to ask since we're on the subject?" 

"Why was there a piece of rope next to your bed this morning?" I laughed out loud, then got up. 

"What I do underneath the furs is none of your business," I reminded him as I pulled him up. He looked puzzled as he got up. This would haunt him for a while.


	5. Day 5

The tent where not two days ago the adults had had their fun was now filled with young children, boys that had just received their arm rings, girls that looked to be on the edge of maturity, mothers and fathers that held their children close as they sat at the tables, all facing one end of the tent. I sat in the front, with the twins and Helga. Aslaug had chosen to sit more to the left with her sons. The tension was already thick in the air, and I wondered if the adults weren’t more excited than the children.

The dark cloth made for a cozy atmosphere, despite the wooden poles that kept up the roof. It reminded me of a movie theatre, especially with the benches that all stood facing the front where we sat. As I glanced around, I could see Torvi sitting with Guthrum, and Torstein was there with his three children as well. His wives sat at either side of him, with their own children in between. Aslaug had chosen to sit at the other end of the tent for some reason, I could barely see her from our side.

“Mom, how much longer do we have to wait?” Thormund asked. “We’ve been here for ages…”

“It won’t be long now, I promise. It’ll be worth the wait, you’ll see.”

“You said it would be amazing…” He wore that smugly disappointed expression that made me feel like I was a bad mother. I had no idea where he had picked it up, but it made me doubt if going here was a good idea. Maybe he was better off playing outside, but all of his friends and family were here, there was no one to play with.

“It will be,” Helga said. “You have never seen this before, but I have. I dreamed of the day I could take my own daughter here, and your mother hasn’t seen this before, either. Trust me, impatient little imp. I know you will love this.” Her voice spoke of a silent longing.

To say I was curious about the show was an understatement. There weren’t many activities for the children other than running around and making friends, and this one was supposed to be the best. From the hundreds of skaldrs who were here, one was chosen to tell the children of how Ragnarok would happen, and to his peers, he was equal in standing to the Officiator.

“Mom, can I have a sweet?” I dug into my bag before Siggy’s question even registered. It had been a long wait so far, something to nibble on would tidy the twins over until it started.

“Share some with the boys as well,” I said as I handed Siggy the pouch, then kissed her on the head. She went running off to find them, and I smiled as I watched her go. As soon as she was out of sight the tent went dark, as the entrances were closed off with dark cloths.

“Mom, it’s starting!” Thormund looked up with wonder in his eyes, pulling on my arm. The little brat had tried to let me feel guilty about cooping him up, but now he was more excited than me and Helga combined. “Look, there he is!” He pointed at the skaldr that came forward, walking in a slow, deliberate pace. He held two torches in his hands. Ceremoniously he stuck them into the ground, one on each side of him. They were at a perfect distance to be able to play with shadows as he would tell of the ending of the world.

Siggy returned just as some men carried in a large iron trough, filled to the brim with coals already alight. The heat that came off it felt like a blow to my face, and I wasn’t the only one who felt uncomfortable at the heat. I saw Thormund squinting with his eyes as he let Siggy squeeze in between us. They held the bag with sweets on their lap.

“Every beginning has an end,” the skaldr spoke with a booming voice. It was sure to carry through the tent, all the way to the back. He sprinkled herbs on top of the fire, that instantly burned. I could see the shreds lighting up like tiny stars before they became one with the fire, engulfed in their doom. It made me shiver, despite the heat. As I looked back, I saw there were more troughs being carried in, and soon the tent felt like a sweat lodge. The scent of the herbs soothed my mind, dulled my senses. The twins didn’t seem as bothered with it as I felt, they were already caught up in the tale.

“Every winter shall one day turn to spring, when the flowers bloom, the birds flock back to mate, and the sun will return to brighten our days. So it has always been, but one day that too will end, for the winter shall know no end. In Uppsala, most holy of places, we speak of the signs of the gods, their might, and their cunning, the things we know because we have seen and heard, but in this tent, I shall tell you of the tale that is yet to come. I shall tell you… Of Ragnarok.” The skaldr moved around as he spoke, casting shadows and hiding his face, using the light and his body as his only two props.

I had to hand it to him, he did better than the Seer. This skaldr moved around in a way that almost hypnotized me, only enhanced by the heat filling up the tent. Helga was entranced as well, and the twins were holding hands, sitting at the edge of the bench.

“Heimdallr, protector of the Sword of Destiny, wielder of the sword Hofud, will be awake when the end begins. He shall bear witness to the winter without end, the Fimbulwinter. There will be no warmth, no spring, no food, and no understanding. Us mortals will roam Midgard, hungry, angry, dispossessed. Great wars will erupt everywhere, and fathers will fight their own sons, daughters will fight their own mothers.”

I heard Siggy whimper. She looked up as if to see if I would start fighting her right away. I pulled her close, but she needed more. She climbed on my lap and pulled her brother closer as well, as the skaldr said that siblings would start to fight each other, too. I put my arms around them, swaying with them close to my heart.

Part of me wanted to get out. Aside from the near-blistering heat, this story was too much for the twins to hear. They were too young for such a violent tale, but I knew Bjorn would scold me for it. This was part of what it meant to be Viking. From a young age the twins had to learn hard truths, or they wouldn’t be able to survive on their own. They needed to become strong, and this was how that happened.

“After the time of great winter, the time of earthquakes will start,” the skaldr said, walking around with deliberate steps, raising his knees high as he did, then darted straight ahead to end up right before where the boys were sat. “And they will be so powerful, that all shackles and fetters and oaths and bonds will be destroyed. Every. Single. One.” He rose again, looking around the tent. “Loki will be set free from the entrails of his son. The poison will no longer drip in his eyes, and he will board a ship called Naglfar, made of the fingernails of the dead, and he will steer it straight to Asgard.”

I tried to imagine how such a ship would look. A gristly white, I imagined, with three large masts, at least three stories tall, a classic ship as I had known them back home. Just walking on its deck would cause a crunching noise as the fingernails were pressed against each other, dried out and devoid of any color. I pictured Loki standing on the deck, steering wheel in hand as he sang a cheerful song, laughing as he was on his way to end the world.

“The Fenris Wolf will have escaped as well. His upper jaw will tear through the sky dome formed of Ymir’s skull, while his lower jaw will scrape over the earth that was created of Ymir’s flesh. There will be nothing he cannot eat, or swallow, and destruction will follow where he roams.”

I knew that was impossible. The stratosphere was at least fifty kilometers high. Even if Fenrir had such a huge jaw, he wouldn’t be able to swallow the moon, or the sun. And yet, I saw in my mind how Fenrir would succeed, how the fire of the sun would be no more than a tickle on his tongue, like half-hearted hot sauce. He would crush the sun in his jaws, swallow it down and then turn towards the moon for seconds.

As the skaldr spoke of Jörmungandr, the serpent that held the seas with his body, I saw its head. It looked like a worm, and only its lower jaw could move. His teeth were sharp as daggers, deep yellow and slightly curved, at least as long as the main road that ran through Kattegat. He had small eyes, dark as the clouds that gathered in the sky above, almost black. Where Fenrir was huge, the serpent was long, longer than anything on Midgard. His pale blue scales weren’t used to the light of the sun, and now Fenrir had eaten it, they could roam the world together. The last humans on Midgard would die, huddled together in the harsh tundra north of even Trondheim.

After a while they would march on, having killed all life in the oceans, and the rivers, and the lands. They would join the battle in Vigrid, where Surtur had gathered as well. Fenrir would join beside the host of Loki, formed of those who had died cowardly deaths. They would destroy all the things that were once loved, put to the sword, or the axe, or the bow. Nothing would remain.

Jörmungandr’s head would be at the battle, its poison burning all the grass that it touched, until the west of the battlefield was on fire. It spread to the forests, creating a hurricane of fire and smoke. And drawn to those flames, rising from the ashes yet to come, descending from the smoke, Surtur would rise, ruler of Muspelheim. His army of fire giants would join the Legions of Hel, and Surtur, flaming sword held high, would rain down fire and blood.

“Mom?” I blinked, looked down at Siggy. She looked worried.

“What is it?” I whispered back. The skaldr told of how the gods of Asgard were woken up by Heimdallr and gathered at the spring of Urd, to receive the blessings of the norns who had decided on their fates.

“I’m scared.” I held her close to my chest, comforting her as much as I could.

“It will be okay, I promise. The gods are on their way to stop the monsters.” I let my hand slide over her back, rested my chin on her head like Bjorn always did with me. Siggy’s one hand clutched at my arm, her other still holding onto Thormund’s.

“Odin will travel to Mimir’s well, sat atop Sleipnir, to ask Mimir’s head for wisdom. What he hears then will give him hope, and he shall bring that hope to the field of battle.” I nudged Siggy to look up, this was where the tale started to turn for the better. Thormund brushed over her wrist with two fingers, calming her down in his own way. Between the two of us, she bucked up her chin and dared look up, all the way into Helga’s eyes. She gave us a kind smile, she must have loved to see how caught up in the tale we all were. And yet, there was the ache of not having Angrboda here with us to crawl up in her own lap now the tides were about to turn. The way she had told of it, it was like a rite of passage that strengthened the bond between mother and child.

“Valhalla will pour out, all the brave men, the Einhedjar, ready for battle since the day they died the first time. They shall join the Æsir, stand by their side as they prepare for battle, ready to defend Yggdrasil from total destruction.”

“You hear that, Siggy? We’ll have to train really, really hard so we’ll make it to Valhalla like dad, and then we’ll help defeat the monsters when Ragnarok comes.” Thormund leaned into his sister, who was starting to feel better as the skaldr told of the gods who would protect all the life that remained.

“Odin will battle Fenrir, spear in hand, charging into the enemy with a bravery that will forever be unmatched. Thor will smile as he sees, then raises up Mjollnir high in his gloved hand, as he finally gets another chance at fighting the Midgard serpent. And Freyr, who was foolish enough to choose love over life, who gave away his sword that fights for itself to gain the love of Gerd, will fight Surtur, and be the first to fall.”

I saw Freyr charging at Surtur, a battle cry on his lips, certain he could hold back the giant that stood ten times his own size, and then how he was struck by Surtur. A bone-chilling cry rose above the field of battle, coming from Freyja. She rushed over to him, tried to save him, but she was too late. He had died already, she had lost her twin. Her eyes turned to me, full of despair.

“Ragnhild! You have to do something! We’re losing!” I glanced up, seeing how my sisters-in-arms were fighting the legions of Hel that Loki commanded. They fought their hardest, but there were simply too many forces standing against us. Even with the Einhedjar come to support us, it wasn’t even close to an equal battle.

I spread my wings and rose up, taking in everything there was to see. Fenrir rushed at Odin, taking him in his mouth. I meant to help him, but at the same time, Thor was almost struck by Jörmungandr’s fangs. Vidarr came up from the ranks, wearing his ridiculous leather shoe he had been working on for thousands of years.

I didn’t know what to do. All around me was chaos, death, destruction. The putrid smell of Jörmungandr’s poison burned in my nostrils. Thor was covered in it, shouted out in agony as the flesh was burned from his bones. He died, just as Odin had died.

“Firefly! What are you doing!” I turned around and saw a huge wolf jump up to me. Her jaw went wide as she came closer. I flew up a bit and as she rushed past, I landed on her back. “Tyr needs our help, he’s up against Garm!” As she growled, I saw Tyr had difficulty getting the helhound off him. The wolf struck at the helhound, allowing me to help up Tyr. He took my sword from my hands and lunged forward, piercing Garm’s skull as he went. It was such a swift, decisive movement, there was no doubt it had been executed by the god of warfare.

“No! What did you do!” I rushed over, but it was too late. Tyr held my sword in his hand, and he had killed with it. “That sword wasn’t from Asgard! Tyr, what did you do!”

He looked up, his eyes went wide.

“Ragnhild… Are those your sisters?” I rose to my feet, taking over the sword again. The other Valkyrie joined by my side, looking up as well. I could hear Loki laughing as he saw what we were staring at. Not even Surtur could strike as much fear into me as those winged traitors did. They had come, all six of them.

“They used to be…” I pushed off, flying towards the blonde that was mocking me just by existing. Chelsea would die on this field if it was the last thing I ever did.

“Ragnhild.” Someone pushed against my shoulder, making me look to the side. Helga was beside me, looking troubled. Siggy was looking up at me, begging with her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered. The skaldr kept his tale up, he was almost done. He told of the six surviving gods, and the chess pieces they found in the grass. Siggy didn’t look scared anymore, but she was distressed all the same.

“I have to pee,” Siggy said as she touched both my arms. I always did that when I had something important to tell her, that had to get through to her.

“He’s almost done, can you hold it up for two more minutes?” She wriggled on my lap, indicating that she really couldn’t. “Come on, we’ll sneak out.” I got to my feet and put Siggy down, taking her hand in mine. We sneaked out in full sight of everyone, as we had been granted the seat of honor. As soon as the outside air hit my face I took a deep breath. My brow was filled with sweat, I could feel that my whole dress had become damp from my own sweat.

“Did you like it?” I asked Siggy as we made our way over to the toilets. She was almost dancing on her feet as we made our way past the tent.

“I didn’t like hearing about how the gods died. Thor, and Freyr, and Tyr, and Odin, they should have lived. They’re too important to lose.” I glanced over, thinking back to the images that had swamped my mind.

“The tale of Ragnarok is one of the most important stories there is. The gods will one day sacrifice their lives to make sure Life and Life’s Yearning will survive, so they will be able to repopulate the world. Remember how Heimdallr said that to Loki, when they were both dying?” I hadn’t consciously heard that part of the story, but I knew it was in there.

“But I don’t want to die, too!” She got angry for some reason, but I didn’t ask on just yet. The crude toilets reminded me of the latrines in the raiding camp near Paris, and they didn’t smell much better. I waited for her to finish, then took her hand as we made our way back again.

“Everyone will die someday,” I said. Siggy clutched my legs, keeping me from walking on. I lowered myself to look her in the eye.

“I don’t want you to.”

“I don’t want to die, either. And if the gods are good, it will be many years until I do. Oh, my little sweet pea…” I pressed her against my chest, not sure how I could comfort her without coddling her. Bjorn was so much better at this, he’d lived through it himself. “Everything will be okay.”

“No, it won’t! Ragnarok is coming!”

“Not for a long, long time. You hear me? The sun will keep on shining, as will the moon. Fenrir is locked away, still. The gods are all awake.” I knew it. Siggy was too young for this, she was too sensitive. Thormund was stronger, he’d been fine hearing the tale, but his sister wasn’t ready. Her bravery was mostly an act to keep up at this point, even though she tried so hard to hide it.

“But it could happen at any time…”

“And if it will… Can you keep a secret? You can share it with Thormund, but no one else can know.” I looked her in the eye, seeing she was fighting desperately to keep back her tears. “You know how grandma can see into the future sometimes?”

“Yeah, like how she knew where I would find Vavi that one time.” Her stuffed tiger, how could I forget. Aslaug had kept it for her after she had left it in the hall one day, then had impressed Siggy with her knowledge of where she could find it again. The poor thing had been in tatters back then already, and I couldn’t imagine how Vali would react if he knew my daughter had named it after him, back when she still was learning how to speak. Siggy had insisted she’d been too old to bring it along for the journey, but I had packed it all the same.

“Exactly. Well, grandma had a vision like that about me, once. She saw into the future, and she saw something that looked just like Ragnarok. So she prayed, to the gods. She prayed for someone to come and save her, and the boys, and grandpa Ragnar, and your father. And you know what happened?” She shook her head, pouting as she stared at my chest. “The gods answered grandma’s prayers. That same day I appeared here, on Midgard. A moon later I got to know Aslaug and Ragnar, and then your cousins, and then your father. The Seer told me that I would change the world as we know it, and if I do, I will change Ragnarok as well.”

Siggy sobbed, once, then closed her eyes as she held onto me again.

“I swear, I will keep you safe. I will keep all of us safe, you hear? As long as I’m around I won’t let anything happen to you.” I felt her hands claw into my dress. I felt horrible for twisting the Seer’s words like this, but I needed to comfort my daughter. I’d tell her I would be the one to kill Fenrir and Jörmungandr myself if it meant she wouldn’t be afraid anymore.

“You can’t promise me something like that,” she whined. “No one can promise that, that’s what dad told me.”

“That’s because your father is an idiot. He doesn’t know how it looks like when I give it my all, not yet. I will always be here for you, to protect you. I love you, more than anything in the world.” I kissed her on her forehead and picked her up. I worried over Thormund. If his sister was in such bad shape he might be scared as well.

“Even more than you love dad?” Siggy asked with a soft voice.

“Yes,” I said without skipping a beat. “You and Thormund are the most important people in the world to me. And your father thinks so, too. You two are more important to him than I am.” She leaned into me, taking a few deep breaths as I entered the tent again. Most of the crowd had gotten up and left already, but Helga and Thormund had waited for us. Siggy wriggled around in my arms as soon as we entered the tent again. She didn’t like to be held in front of people she knew, and especially not the boys.

“But when will it all happen?” Thormund asked Helga.

“No one knows,” she replied. I sat down next to Thormund, pulling him close for a second. He was holding up just fine. I listened to their conversation as I kept my eyes on Siggy. She had run over to the boys as soon as her feet had hit the ground. I was certain she would want to catch up with Thormund first, but she looked to be talking to Sigurd. I saw him listen to her intently, then they hugged. Ivar rolled his eyes at them, but he didn’t say a word. I wondered what it was all about.

“But that thing, with the Fimbulwinter, how can all that happen in one night? The gods are asleep, right? And why doesn’t Heimdallr wake up the gods sooner?” Helga had to think hard on an answer that would satisfy him. It reminded me of the questions I used to ask Bjorn, the kind that drove him up the wall as they were always followed with another three questions.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, my eyes finding the skaldr that had performed for us. I wanted to thank him for the amazing show he had put on, and ask him about the herbs he had used. He walked outside, laughing at a joke one of his friends had made. As the men saw me emerging from the tent they fell silent, nudging the skaldr to turn around. It made me feel giddy, as if I were some celebrity.

“My lady,” the man spoke as he reached out to my hand. He kissed the knuckles, then looked up. I nodded slightly, and he rose to his feet again. “It was a great honor to perform for you and your family today.”

“The honor was all mine, I assure you. I enjoyed it immensely, though I do have some questions. If I’m not interrupting, that is.” He shook his head as if he had offended me by making me think such a thing.

“Questions? My lady, surely you know more of the gods than any of us.” He glanced around. I followed his eyes, seeing the men who had carried in the huge fire pits. They were wondering why I had come after them as well.

“I am familiar with the story, yes. But I wondered what your name is.” He chuckled nervously, as if he hadn’t expected such a question.

“Sigthor, my lady.” He wiped his hands on his shirt, that was already stained with sweat from his performance.

“Please, call me Ragnhild. I mean to honor you, not have you honor me. What were those herbs you used, on the fire?” I’d never gotten those kinds of images in my head before, as if I’d been part of the story.

“The herbs?” He motioned to one of the men behind him, who came up with a pouch in his hands. As he poured some out on his hand I saw it was mostly stuff I used in my own kitchen and some salt for effect. “It’s a fragrance mixture, to ease the children. The story can be rough on the young ones, as you noticed.” I knew it. He’d seen Siggy’s fear, and I wouldn’t let word spread that she was a coward. She wanted to become a shieldmaiden, and until she changed her mind herself, I would fight for her to achieve that dream.

“I’m certain there were plenty of children that will have trouble falling asleep tonight. I do apologize for leaving before the end, my daughter had to relieve herself.” The man was more than just a poet, he knew how to read my face. He was smart enough to realize what I meant and go along with it. I could see how a charmer like he would have gotten the honor of performing today.

“Yes, of course. I can imagine that taking care of twins is quite a challenge. How can I accept an apology when no offense was given?” He nodded his head again. “Forgive me, but I have a question for you, as well.”

“That seems only fair, I got to ask two.”

“During the story, when I told of the battle that will happen on Vigrid... You wore this intense look as you stared into the fire. It almost looked like you were remembering something…” No question followed. He wasn’t sure what he was asking about, just as I had no idea what had happened.

“You have a keen eye, Sigthor. I must ask you to keep what you witnessed to yourself, though. It won’t do to have everyone know what it looks like when the gods talk to me.” The men around us tensed, as did Sigthor. He was better at hiding it, but it made him reckless all the same.

“The… The gods? Did they speak to you? What did they…” My eyes narrowed, it was beyond impolite to ask about such things. I could see how my easygoing demeanor might have brought this on, but everyone knew there were limits. I didn’t want to come across as cold, or as if I felt better than anyone around me, being approachable was important to the work I did. But this was way out of line. Had I made such a comment with my family, even Bjorn would have waited for me to speak of it before he would ask around the subject. And then it would only be to see if I needed something from him.

“Had it been meant for you, I would have told you already,” I said sharply, then turned around without so much as a goodbye. Even though it had been a lie, he should’ve known better than to ask about what I saw.

Inside I saw Siggy was back to her usual energetic self, much to my relief. Seeing her cheerful and happy again conjured a smile to my face, despite the misgivings I had about Sigthor. Helga ushered the twins outside as she saw me coming. We were some of the few people still inside, and it was time for us to take our leave.

Helga kept the twins entertained on the way back to the longhouse, while I was lost in thought. Sigthor had mentioned the herbs were just for the scent, and it had been a powerful one that had filled up the tent. The only herb I knew to alter minds as it had with mine would’ve worked on everyone there, not just me. Something strange had happened, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’d ask Helga about it when the twins weren’t around. She knew almost as much as Floki about the gods and their rituals, but she was less judgmental and prone to shouting at me when I didn’t understand.

Or maybe it was just my imagination. Maybe being amongst the gods here had made me wary, and in my tiredness, I’d hallucinated. It was the most likely thing to have happened, and I did feel tired. There was so much to see and do all day, I was simply exhausted.

I looked up as the twins stopped walking. Helga shot me a curious look as she glanced back, and I could see why. We couldn’t reach the door of the longhouse if we tried, it was blocked by a crowd. They looked to be waiting for something, but I didn’t know what it was.

“What’s going on here?” Helga asked one of the women that were waiting. The woman turned around and squealed as she saw us. About thirty head turned around and started talking in excited voices as well.

“She’s here! She finally came back, look!” My instincts kicked in, making me very wary of the group of people. They were too keen to come closer, and didn’t seem to notice I was with my family. Whatever rules I had tried to establish about people seeking me out had gone out of the window.

"Ragnhild!"

"It's her! It's the vessel!"

"Please, I need to speak with you!" I looked around for a bit, not knowing what to think. They came closer, making me yank the twins back. Helga joined me by my side, hiding the twins from the mass. It had been flattering to have the skaldr impressed with the sight of me, but this was too much.

"Why have you gathered here!" I demanded. I was used to people coming by for a talk, but a group this size... It kept growing as others saw there must have been something going on, from all sides. I knew I had been putting off helping these people, but this was ridiculous. I was certain that at least half of them was only here because it was so easy to find me this week and a half.

"We were told you would have time for us today," one of the men in front of me said. "I've been waiting here the whole morning." As if that meant anything to me. I just wanted to go inside and have a cup of tea, talk to Helga about the show and then take a quick nap. This wasn’t a vacation of my daily woes, it was boring work stuff like Bjorn had to do all day. This was my time off, not their highlight of the day.

"Who told you to come here today?"

"The gods did," a woman said, stars in her eyes. Most likely their patience had run out, some of them had already approached me on the first day. "Please, I need your help." But still, the gods... I had asked for a sign, was this it? Would I run into something that would make me understand what was going on?

"Helga. Get the twins out, I don’t want them here if this gets out of hand.” She did as I asked, no questions asked. I could see she was nervous as well, and glad to get the twins away from the eager crowd that was moving closer in their attempt to get closer to me. “What do you expect from me?" I asked them. "All of you, what are you here for?"

“Mom!” I could hear Thormund shouting, trying to get free from Helga’s grip. It hurt to see how badly he wanted to stay with me, but the crowd was already gathering around me. I didn’t even want to risk the twins getting hurt. Helga would keep them safe.

"Advice!" I turned back to the crowd, that was shouting at me with glee. Did they even notice I wasn’t as excited as them?

"A wonder!"

"I want your blessing!" The more voices rose up, the more people seemed to join. This was going to be a long day, and already I was in a foul mood. People were shouting through one another, clamoring to be heard. They all wanted a piece of me, and it made me feel as if I couldn’t control my own life. It had been easy to maintain in Kattegat, but they had never come at me like this. There was just the yearly rush of people who hadn’t been able to come over during the winter, not a mob that had no respect for my personal space, or the safety of my children.

I let out a deep sigh as I saw the crowd pushing to get even closer. This was insane. I couldn't possibly talk to all of them one on one, nor could I ignore them now. I had to deal with this crowd as soon as I could.

"Who of you is here for advice on their relationship, or lack thereof? Raise your hand." At least a quarter raised up their hands. I tried to take a step back to get a better view, but I didn’t have much room to move around. "And legal disputes?" Another substantial part. "Blessings?" All of them.

"Please, Ragnhild! I have traveled for a moon to see you!" The man who spoke up was dressed as a Sami. He could very well be speaking the truth, and if he had to come from what would become Finland, I could see the sense in waiting for the festival to come and talk to me. Still, there were more people waiting. I couldn’t give him a private conversation and not give it to the others.

"I will do my best, but I am only human. If you have come for advice on legal disputes, please come inside. I'll handle any advice on love after this, I suppose." The Sami lit up as he walked ahead, smiling as if I had chosen him personally. I’d gone for the legal group first because I needed a moment to calm down, the law was something I could talk about from a place of logic. A group of nearly twenty men and women came in after me. At least two of them showed enmity making me think they had a dispute between each other.

"Forgive me for doing this all at once, but I don't want anyone to have come here for naught." I sat down at the head of the long table. "You all know me, but I don't know your names. Let's start on my left, and simply state your name and the nature of your question. Is it a dispute about land, or property, just so I can see what we’ll be discussing today.” I gestured to my left as a few servants handed out ale to those present. Bjorn had been right to bring extra, he had been better prepared than me.

"I'm Gerhard Ulbrechtsson, and I've come to ask you for help. There's an evil man in my town, who thinks he has a right to one of my goats! The bastard -" I kept from rolling my eyes. This wasn’t about emotion, it was about the law. I cut him off with a raised hand.

"Thank you, Gerhard. A dispute over cattle, I'll get back to you in a bit." I had no time to advise each case on its own, especially with men that loved the sound of their own voice. "And you are?" The woman next to him introduced herself as Gerd. She gave off a sharp vibe, she was a smart woman that knew how everything was supposed to go. Just by looking at her I knew she wouldn’t get emotional from what she would need advice on.

"My husband has taken a second wife, without asking me for approval. He has paid for her dowry with my mundr." That was a most grievous offense. The husband took care of the mundr, but that didn't mean he could use it as he pleased. Should she choose to divorce him over his taking a second wife without consulting with her first, her mundr was supposed to help her build a new life. And judging by her face, she had already decided to divorce him, but she needed the mundr before she could be on her way.

"I'm interested in hearing more about it." My eyes shifted to the person beside her. Gerd’s story was too closely tied to my own for comfort, and I prayed that the gods did not mean for this to be a sign to me.

The rest of the round was short and sweet and left me with a tally of three marital disputes, five counts of property disputes, ten disputes over land, and three people who were escorted out as they had tried to come in for other advice.

"Let's start with the lands. The law states that the land belongs to the one who has been granted it by the earl or king. It can only be taken away by your ruler. If the one who the land was bestowed on dies, the lands revert to either the wife and children, or the ruler, as per agreement. I will not advise anyone to go against the law." I let a short silence fall. "Sigfard, what is your dispute about?" He sat up straight, trying to keep his calm despite being called on first. He'd been eyeing a man opposite the table all the while, and it made me eager to get rid of them first.

"My father died in the winter. My brother thinks he has the better claim because he is older. He means to claim the farm."

"Is your mother still alive?" I asked.

"She is. My brother is living with her, and his wife and children." This was a difficult one. One farm, two brothers, that meant trouble. According to the laws of men, they had an equal right to the farm, but the number of people who depended on the land was too skewed to easily cut it in half.

"Are there any more children of your father?"

"None that live." Two sons, and an entire family.

"Do you have a way to provide for yourself, aside from that farm and raids?"

"I make a meager living as a fisherman." I thought about it for a while. Should the farm go to his brother, as was the easiest way to make the problem go away and satisfy the most people, Sigfard had nothing to inherit. That seemed wrong to me. He was clearly speaking the truth, judging by his shabby clothes.

"Talk to your brother, and divide the farm like this. Half belongs to your mother, and she cannot be forced to move out if she does not want to. The other half will be divided evenly between you, your brother, and your mother gets a part of that half as well. Your brother and mother together then owe you a sixth of the worth of the farm, and you relinquish any claims to it. You will know your mother is well taken care of no matter what happens, and you can rest assured you will have your part of the inheritance. Then, should it come to pass that your mother dies, her part of the farm will be distributed between you and your brother again. This way you both inherit half eventually, without any harm coming to either the farm, or your mother." He had to think on it for a bit, but as the math made sense in his mind he nodded in agreement. When it came to dividing things up, the Viking were very clever.

"Thank you. That seems like a fair agreement for both of us. Brother?" He turned to the man he had been eyeing.

"I agree. We'll settle the payment when we get back." Sigfard and Sigurd raised their horns.

"Skoll!" They clanged their horns, and the others banged theirs on the table in celebration. They got up and left, both feeling better as their dispute had ended.

"Are there any people who can use the same advice for their own situation?" A few murmurs rose up, and a few faces frowned.

"What if there is a sister in need of a dowry? Aside from the two brothers?"

"Then she gets an equal part of the sibling's cut now, and upon the death of the second parent, she receives an equal part of what that parent still held, unless she is already wed. Then she is under the protection of a new family and has no right to it. Her mundr will provide for her should something happen." Approving nods led to more skolls resounding, and more people got up and left.

The next case was solved just as quickly. In general, all people wanted was their fair share, unless there were heavy emotions involved. And once again, my rule of no weapons in the house proved to be anything but childish.

"Valrik." He lowered his axe at my soft tone. He'd been inches away from attacking his neighbor, who sat a fair distance away. "I will move on to the next case, and ask that you remain until those are all handled. You too, Einar. You need more than just advice on the lands." Valrik grunted but slid his axe back in his belt.

As the livestock and slave disputes were handled, and the women were content to know what to say to their respective earls and kings they left as well, leaving me with Valrik and Einar, and Lagertha. She had slipped in and seemed to appreciate the way I handled all of it.

"The twins are at my camp,” she said as our eyes met. I let out a sigh of relief. Lagertha loved being around the twins, she would never let anyone hurt them. At least with them, I trusted her blindly. “Helga told me there was quite a crowd gathered outside, they only let me in when I told them I had to fetch something for the twins.” I’d calmed down from my initial rage, but now I felt it flare up again.

"Thank you, for looking out for them,” I said with a smile. "Please, stay for a bit. Now, Valrik. Einar. Why do you hate each other?" They both looked taken aback by my question.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Because I can't advise you on how to reach a compromise if you are not willing to listen to one another. It's about a tiny speck of land, hardly worth the hassle. The land is not the problem."

"He killed my sister," Valrik hissed. "Of course I hate him!" Einar got up, livid at the accusation.

"She died in childbirth!"

"Einar." At the sharpness of my voice, he sat down. "When you start shouting, he stops listening and we get nowhere. Keep your voice down, both of you. Use your words, not your anger. Valrik, is it true she died in childbirth?"

"She died as she was getting ready to give birth. I don't believe him. No woman should bleed from her nose and eyes when she is taken in by the healer." That did sound strange. Increased brain pressure perhaps? An aneurysm? Blood cloth?

"Did she have any health problems before she died?" I asked.

"She had her sickness, and she was a little sensitive to light ever since she told me she was with child."

"She fainted once," Einar added, stealing glances at Valrik.

"Did she ever shake violently, out of nowhere? Did she have spasms all over her body? Or a severe headache?"

"She complained of headaches," Valrik answered. "How can you know?" It was a pre-existing condition, and the strain of childbirth had caused it to worsen.

"She died fast, I imagine. She got a severe headache, then she was gone in a matter of seconds, two minutes at the most." The men looked at me as if I were a ghost. "She didn't die of childbirth, but it was the cause of her death. Your sister was sick before she got with child. It is so intense on the body that her condition worsened, and finally led to her bleeding in her brain. That's why she had those headaches, and why she was sensitive to light."

"How do you know?"

"Sometimes I just do. There was a blood vessel in her head that was weakened. It was leaking blood before she gave birth. There was no way for anyone to know, or to keep it from happening. No one is at fault." Valrik and Einar looked at each other, seeing the hurt in each other's eyes.

"It was our spot," Valrik said with a heavy heart. "We used to play there when we were young."

"She took me up there all the time. She loved that tree. I just wanted to have something to remember her by. I withdraw my claim."

"You are free to visit whenever you want."

"Thank you, brother." They held each other's shoulders, then nodded.

"Thank you, Ragnhild. We'll sacrifice an animal to the gods to ask them to bless you."

"There's no need. I am happy to help. If you mean to honor me, give the animal to a family that is struggling to get by. Pay my kindness forward to others." Satisfied with my request, they got up and left.

"Impressive," Lagertha said as she took the seat Valrik had sat on before. "I heard those two were about to kill each other, and you get them to share and make the world a better place." At least someone thought it was funny. If it had turned out for the worse I would have scraped brains off the floors for hours.

"I do what I can. Most of the times I still feel like I'm just grasping at straws." I had no idea if what I had told the men was right or not, but as it had served to get them to forgive each other I didn't care. It was what had come to mind the quickest, and as I thought on it, it made sense. Sort of. I truly had no idea. Jozef had been the doctor, not me.

"Are you still grasping at straws with Bjorn? You seemed a little out of it when I last saw you."

"We've... Reconnected. It's still difficult, but it seems that sometimes a good fuck can solve a lot of problems."

"So I saw. You left behind quite a mess." I hadn't known Lagertha was there, not that I had bothered to look. At least she knew Bjorn and I were taking care of each other.

"I'm sure no one minded, Bjorn least of all. I'm still a bit sore."

"As well you should, you still have this glow surrounding you." She'd better not imply what I thought she was hinting at.

"Is there something you need help with? You've never given me this much praise in so little time."

"Are you calling me calculated?"

"I'm saying you don't have to wait in line like the rest." She gave me a knowing smile. It told me she didn’t want to talk about Lofn and what else had happened back then.

"Alright, then. I'm worried about you and Bjorn. Ragnar hasn't been seen since he left, and I get the feeling you and Aslaug have fallen out. Who is running Kattegat?" It was refreshing to have her ask me a direct question like this. More often than not people came to me for help not knowing what it was they needed. Figuring out what someone wanted had become a second nature over time, but it got tiring to analyze my family.

"Aslaug is but a puppet. Bjorn and I can't risk taking over claiming Ragnar is dead, lest he returns, and we lose all credibility. Aslaug is pissed because she only now realizes just how little sway she has with anyone important, as they all know it's me and Bjorn who rule. We are king and queen in all but name, and for now, that is enough." It got us the head position at the festival, for one. We were doing just fine.

"Then tell me, what do you have planned for the future?" If she thought I was vain for speaking so bluntly, she didn’t let on.

"Bjorn is headed out to Scotland soon, north of Aelle's territories, and Harald will join him. Meanwhile, I hope to start on building defenses to protect the town, as they did in Alabu."

"Do you think that wise?"

"Is it not better to build a wall before your enemy is upon you? And we know a force will one day come. Let Harald see how serious we are about defending ourselves." Lagertha nodded.

"That makes sense. Hedeby already had walls when I got there, to keep out predators. I make sure to keep them well maintained. Thank you, for your honesty. I'll leave you to the masses." I walked her out, and as I opened the door I saw the crowd had doubled, despite the swift first round.

"Should I send a rescue party?" Lagertha whispered. She looked like she hadn't expected this many people to be searching for my advice. Last time in Hedeby there had been a handful of people hoping to ask me for a quick chat as well, but those were more evenly spread out over the visit.

"That just might be necessary." She kissed me on my forehead, making me feel a little stronger. She might resent me over what had happened with Frida, but she seemed to be able to put it aside for the sake of Bjorn's kingdom, and our reputation.

"Ragnhild! Pick me next!"

"I really need to speak to you in private!"

"I love you!" I raised a hand to silence the crowd. Now that I knew they were here I felt more at ease dealing with them. Over the past years, I had become a lot more at ease addressing the people.

"I know you have traveled far and wide to come here, and for that I am... Touched. As I said, the ones who came here for advice on their relationships now have their turn. How many are there now? Please raise your hand."

"I still need advice on a legal dispute!" A man pushed forward through the crowd as he clamored for my attention. He looked frantic, with his shirt torn at his shoulder. "I wasn't let in!"

"He just came here, we've been waiting for hours!"

"I was just taking a piss! You expect me to whip it out in front of her?!"

"You weren't here!" The crowd was growing restless, and people were now gathering to watch as chaos threatened to erupt. I needed to do something.

"Enough!" My voice silenced the crowd. "You all came here for my help, and it is my choice if I wish to help or not! If there is any fighting, I will close that door behind me and I won't see any of you!" Crowds were fairly easy to talk to if you thought of them as five-year-olds. I had plenty of experience with those. "You, who had to take a leak. What's your dispute?" He was a little caught off guard to be called on like this.

"My brother claims to have a right to the farm an uncle left us. He -"

"Is there anyone who heard my advice still here?" A hand shot up in the air. "Gerd, would you be so kind as to inform him on what I said? The advice is solid, even if it is not heard from my lips. Now, everyone who came here to talk of their love life, please follow me inside." As I turned around I let out a deep sigh, taking a few quick, deep breaths. I'd never spoken down to a crowd before, only to have everyone listen to me without as much as a word put in edgewise. Public speaking was one thing, but public humiliation of a group...

Aside from the long table being filled, multiple women had to stand. Over thirty women were gathered, and more were pouring in, still. The longhouse was large, but it wasn't a lecture hall.

"Is everyone inside?" Some more hasty scuffling followed, then I heard the door close. This would be more difficult than I'd thought. A group discussion like with the legal disputes would not work as well. I got up and made sure most people could see me. There were a few men here as well.

"Let me start off by telling you I'm not the one you should be talking to. The most important thing in a relationship is not love. What do you think is?"

"Sex?"

"Children!"

"Political gain!"

"Family!" I raised a hand at the answers that were so clearly wrong.

"The most important thing, to me, is communication. I need to be able to talk about what I want from my partner, whether it is about sex, or children, or anything else. At the same time, my partner needs to be able to do the same. Who of you feels like they never speak about their relationship with their partner?" Almost all hands went up.

"He never listens, anyway!" Some women cheered at the comment.

"What have you tried to get him to listen?" Silence fell. Just as I thought. "No matter what bothers you, you have to be able to talk about it. Sit down with him, or her, and make it clear what you want to talk about. Make sure your significant other is able to listen to you, and make sure you have it clear in your mind what you want to talk about." I explained the basics of respectful and calm communication, and then pulled a woman to the front for a demonstration.

She was clearly uncomfortable, but as I played her husband so she could try and get a feel for how he would react to her different approaches, she felt more confident. Soon everyone paired up with someone they trusted and were practicing, running into all kinds of problems. I moved from one pair to another to help out.

After an hour or so, most women were confident and left again, leaving only a handful of women. Two women confessed they were raped and needed to talk about it, those I told to come back in two days so I could give them the time and attention they deserved. One other had no idea who the father of her child was. It could be her husband's, or that of his brother. I told her no one would ever be the wiser if she kept silent, but that being honest would keep her from worrying about it to the point she barely slept. Then only one woman was left, who seemed happy to finally be alone with me.

"What might I help you with?" She looked beautiful, despite her grieving eyes.

"I... I lost my twins in childbirth." My heart immediately went out to her. "Is it true you lost a child as well?"

"I did. A son, four years ago."

"But your twins lived."

"Yes," I said with a sad smile. "They were tiny when they were born, but they both lived. I've been incredibly lucky."

"How... How did he die?" I didn't feel like explaining to her what it felt like to get your heart ripped out. She probably knew already.

"I'd rather talk about you. I've had plenty of help to grieve over him, and I imagine you came here for help to grieve yourself."

"It was horrible," she admitted. "I heard their dying breaths as they cried out for me, but they were both taken away from me."

"That's awful. Were they sick?"

"They... The healer told me, they couldn’t breathe right."

"Did you have time to say goodbye?"

"No... I could only hold one of them before they died."

"I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you able to talk about it with the father? Or other family members?"

"I have a brother... But he doesn't understand. He never had children." She was in the depression phase of the stages of grief, I imagined. She needed a little help to accept it.

"I know something that might help, but it might seem a little strange to you."

"What is it? I've heard you have many strange ways to help women like me."

"Can you imagine your twins being all grown up?" The woman nodded, slightly confused. "Imagine them sitting there, on the bench. What would you want to say to them?" The woman glanced over. She didn't seem that enthusiastic yet. "Were you able to name them?" She got up all of a sudden.

"I can't do this. It's - I just can't. I'm so sorry." Before I could utter a word she left, storming out the door as she did. The pain must have still been too fresh. I let out a deep sigh, thinking to myself I couldn't help everyone. There were plenty of people I had helped today, with plenty more that were waiting outside for my blessing.

I was beat. Helping so many people tired me out mentally, having to deal with their very personal stories. Just a general blessing, and then I'd take a quick nap so I'd be fresh for the rest of the day. I still wanted to talk to Helga about what had happened at the show this morning, too.

I dragged myself to my feet and opened the door a last time. Once again the crowd had only grown, despite my efforts to try and help everyone. They all pushed forward, clamoring for my attention. It was just too much. They would never be sated, and I fretted having to let them down.

"Ragnhild! Pick me!"

"I need your help!" I put up a hand, knowing that listening to all of their pleas would only drain me further.

"I have helped so many people today I have tired myself out. I ask you to respect that. Perhaps you can come a long way just from talking to those you trust, and those you love. I mean to -" A disgruntled murmur rose from the crowd, clearly not used to being turned down. I hadn’t even finished my sentence.

"You promised to bless us!"

"I need help with my claims for land!"

"I need to talk to you in private!"

"I thought you couldn't refuse us!" That last comment ticked me off, made my anger flash hot as red iron.

"Enough! I have had it with your entitled fucking demands! You there, is there a reason you dare demand things from me? Do I owe you anything? And you, with the curls. What do you suppose I could tell you about your marriage if you literally push those around you away for your own gain? How could I help you to connect with anyone? Maybe try and think of someone else for once, that goes for all of you. Take a good hard fucking look in a looking glass, you'll see what's wrong with your life there. Bless your fucking selfish asses yourself." I turned around and slammed the door, angrily tearing at the lacing of my dress. I pulled it over my head as I made my way to the back.

This was sure to come and bite me in the ass, but I couldn’t keep up appearances anymore. I should’ve seen Sigthor and his uncouth question for the warning it was, I had no one to blame for this but myself. I heard the door opening as I lay down underneath the furs, making me furious. They had no right to come in here, and I was naked.

“Get the fuck out! I said no more visitors!”

"Is there something you need to talk about?" It was Bjorn. I felt myself relax as I realized.

"You heard?" I asked as he came into sight.

"Quite a few people heard. I've not seen you this angry in a while."

" I've been at it since the show, they were waiting for me to come back. I'm tired, is all."

"The kind of tired where you want to read a book in silence, or the one where you actually just need a little distraction?" His hands found my shoulders, rubbing them. The anger flushed out of me fast.

"Both."

"A book about distractions, then?"

"The sort of distractions I could write a book about." I turned around so I could kiss him. He wouldn't have any of it. Bjorn pushed me down on the bed, pinning my arms above me. I reached for the rope still hidden beneath the pillows, but he kept me from touching it.

"I came up with something new," he whispered. "How do you feel about -"

The door opened with a loud bang, followed by the footsteps and shouting of small children.

"Mom!" Bjorn and I shared a look, then Bjorn lay down on his back and pulled me in his arms. “Mom, are you there?” The twins came rushing in, their smiles disappearing as they saw me and Bjorn sharing a chaste kiss. I was still naked, they knew what that meant. Thormund seemed to have forgotten all about the way I had sent him off with Helga. Her and Lagertha must have talked to them about it.

"Were you having sex?" Siggy asked.

"Not yet. What is it?"

"There's this guy who claims he can tell our future, but he wants to have a silver coin before he will tell us. Can we have one? He's telling both our futures for the price of one!"

"Because we're twins!" Even then it was an outrageous price.

"The Seer is here with us, why would you bother paying for that information when you can go ask him?" Bjorn asked.

"Besides, you're too young to worry about the future," I added. "Why not bring something for Thorfan? He'll be more likely to say yes." The twins stalked off disappointed.

"Thorfan?" Bjorn asked.

"They were beating each other up with sticks again. I promised I'd ask him if he was willing to train them when we get back, if only to keep them from bloodying each other." I might have forgotten to tell him that… Oops.

"But I was supposed to do that."

"They're impatient. I know you want to, but right now is just a bad time for you, and they really want to start with something different than their shields. Just think about it, okay? We can figure out something else if you're against it."

"I'm not used to you taking this kind of action. Normally you run these things by me, first." He didn’t seem to mind, though. Something about him was… Happy, about this?

"Does it bother you?"

"It arouses me." He rolled on top of me and stretched out my arms above my head. "So I was thinking, how would you feel about me tying up -"

The door opened again, the boys this time. Bjorn let out an exasperated sigh as he fell down beside me again.

"I swear, it was fucking weird. She was like..."

"Naked! And she had those flowers in -"

"Boys!" I had no desire to hear them talk about what Ubbe and Hvitserk had seen. Ubbe should know better than to tell Sigurd, at the least.

The door fell shut again before I could hear another peep from them. I groaned, then looked at Bjorn.

"You were saying? Something about me tying you up to the bed for a change?" He gave me a quizzical look, then recovered.

"Maybe another time. I was thinking of using that post up there, so you're forced to sit on your knees. That way I can reach all around you." He ground his groin across my thigh to show me how eager he was to give it a try. It sounded appealing, but it would open up a whole new array of possible problems. "Will you think on it?"

"Oh, I'm all for it." His cock instantly twitched. "I'm just not sure if this is the right place to experiment like that."

"Isn't almost getting caught part of the fun?"

"Not when there are these many children running around."

"I'll use that special knot you taught me. I'll have you down in a second." I relented, but I didn't want him to think he'd be getting me to agree that easily.

"Next time I'll tie you down to the bed," I promised. Bjorn looked like a horny teenager, the way his eyes devoured me. As I got out from underneath the furs and stretched my shoulders he set to work, tying one end of the rope to the post that hung above the bed. His hands slowly went over my arms, and as he reached my wrists he lifted them up, binding them with the rope. I pulled on it to see if it was done right.

"Bjorn?" He acted like nothing was wrong.

"Yes, my love?"

"You made a regular knot, with my wrists." His hands circled my body, then he moved behind me.

"Is that so?" He drew a finger through my slit, moving from my clitoris to the back. I gasped as I felt him pull all the way through to my anus. That had been a hard no for both of us from the start.

"Bjorn."

"Hmm?"

"There are limits."

"I know. I'm just teasing." It did little to calm my nerves. His hands disappeared for a bit until a strap of fabric blocked my sight.

"Shh. Trust me." I had no choice but to trust him. I surrendered to his touches. Sometimes I felt his hands and tongue, sometimes merely his breath. He was circling around me, as if to memorize every inch of me. It seemed to take an hour before he finally slipped in a finger. I felt myself pushing my breasts forward, hoping to feel his lips and fingers there.

I missed them. I didn't know where Bjorn was, aside from the finger I felt moving in and out. He didn't make a sound himself, I just felt his finger and heard the sopping sound it made.

I felt embarrassed, and vulnerable. In my mind I couldn't be sure this was still Bjorn. It could be anyone, and that terrified me.

"Bjorn?" My voice sounded broken.

'I'm here. It's okay." He took off the blindfold, and only had to see my face to decide to loosen the rope. I leaned into him as he did, gently weeping in relief. It had been him all along.

As my wrists came loose, Bjorn got rid of the rope, throwing the blindfold off the bed as well. He held me, softly brushing my hair with a hand as he comforted me.

"It's alright, I'm here. Nothing will harm you. It's all going to be fine." His voice and warmth were all I needed to regain my composure. I had no idea why it had hit me this hard, usually, new games like this were fun and exciting. Once I calmed down a bit we lay down, looking each other in the eye.

"What happened?" His hand wiped away a tear that tried to make it to the pillow.

"I got scared. You were so still, I - I couldn't be sure it was you." He pulled me close again.

"I didn't know you'd be so upset." He had intended for me to get disoriented, from the start. "I knew something was off when you said my name."

"It's just too much for me right now. Maybe when we're back at home, and I'm not so tired..."

"Hey. Look at me. It's fine if you don't want to try again. Right now, just try and relax. You can take a minute to calm down. Take the rest of the day."

"I just need to know it's you here beside me." I inhaled deep, catching his scent. My breath came out a little ragged.

"I'm here. I've got you." A lone tear fell down my face. I closed my eyes and felt his arms gently moving all over my body. It wasn't erotic, it was soothing. He let me feel just where my body was, and where it met his. I needed this. Bjorn knew me so well, and he was genuinely worried about me. He loved me, fiercely.

"Bjorn?"

"Hmm?"

"Never let me go." I needed him to breathe, to feel, to live. If he ever were to leave me, I'd be a wreck. I couldn't possibly survive without his love for me. "I love you too much."

"Is that even possible?"

"I've done the impossible before." He snickered and pulled me close, kissing me on my hair.

"You'll be the death of me one day." I felt my eyes growing heavy. Everything about this day had been intense.

"I'd never kill you. I'd kill a part of myself as well." I started to hum a bit, and I felt Bjorn's heart race because of it. It had been ages since I'd sang him a song. I only remembered half the lyrics, but it didn't matter. Bjorn loved it all the same.

"What's it about?"

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you get what you need."

"It sounds really sad."

"It is. It's supposed to cheer up at the end but I forgot that part." I’d forgotten a lot of songs, over the years. Only a few dozens still stuck completely, and I knew that if I heard them now as they were, I’d find plenty of mistakes all the same.

"It's been a while since I heard you sing."

"I'm feeling generous." His eyes lit up at that. Somehow I wanted to make up to him, for ruining his new game. I wanted to show him I cared, that I thought what he wanted was important to me.

"The one about the demons?" I smiled at his energy, then started humming. Some songs were impossible to forget.

"When I was a child I heard voices..." Bjorn closed his eyes as I sang one of the few songs I had managed to translate to Norse. It was so much different from the songs he grew up with, that alone was enough to mesmerize him. After three more songs, I buried us underneath the furs and nestled into his arms.

"Are you still dark and twisty?" Bjorn sounded worried as he softly stroked the skin on my arm.

"Yes. I'm... Conflicted." Being tired made it difficult to try and talk about it.

"Is it something I can help with?" I wanted to tell him, I wanted to follow my own advice. But it was too painful. We were just barely back in a good place, and this... It would tear everything wide open again. I needed more time to think of the best way to tell him. I could hide my period on the way back, with a little difficulty.

"I'm almost ready to share. I just need a little more time."

"What is it about? Can you tell me that much?"

"It's..." If I said but a single word we'd end up fighting. I couldn't let it hang above his head for long. "I'm afraid you might misunderstand, so I need to think a bit more on how to tell you. I don't want to hurt you."

"I'll wait... But I am anxious." That was exactly what I'd hoped to prevent.

"It's not bad news. I'm not dying or leaving, and I'm definitely not interested in anyone else." He put on a brave smile, but the worry remained. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He pulled me close again, sighing as I let my fingers draw a pattern on his chest. I felt my eyes fall shut, and I drifted off to sleep.


	6. Day 6

On the morning of the sixth day I woke up before anyone else. I'd slept since the afternoon and I felt well rested, and hungry. Bjorn looked worried, even in his sleep. His arm was wrapped around me, as if to shield me from anyone who tried to harm me. Even as I got out of his grasp he tried to grab at an invisible foe. He'd have a scare if he woke up without me next to him. I pulled on his arm, if only because he was laying on my hair. He needed to move either way.

"Bjorn." He sat up straight instantly. As he saw my face he calmed down and rubbed his eyes. "I'm going for a walk." 

"Yes, walk fun good have..." He slumped down again, as if I hadn't disturbed him at all. He did seem more at ease, at the least. 

I got dressed and went to find some leftovers. A plate was left out, but the grease on top had gone hard. I scrunched up my nose and satisfied myself with a stale crust of bread. 

Outside, the sun was well on its way to rise. It was peaceful, and barely anyone was up and about. I munched as I thought back to my horrid display last night, but I must have made an impression. All kinds of gifts were left at the door. I eyed it warily, thinking anyone could have poisoned it. 

That was nonsense. We were all here to celebrate the gods, and it was forbidden to kill or draw blood as we were all gathered. I rummaged through the stuff and found a nice casket of mead, and some dried sausage and cheese. I pulled a knife out from under one of the benches, knowing where Ivar liked to hide them where he could reach, and cut myself a nice charcuterie for an early breakfast. I'd need some energy if I was to go for a long walk. 

This was the life. All that was missing was some music and good conversation. And as it happened, Waldemar came trudging by. 

"Good morning," I called out. He looked around and saw me waving. 

"Ragnhild?" He came a little closer, then joined me on a seat beside me as I signaled for him to join me. "What are you doing up so early? 

"I had a tiring day yesterday, I fell asleep well before dinner." 

"And now you bask in the rich offerings of those who feel like they have offended you?" It was too lovely a morning to bother with thoughts about yesterday. 

"It could be from the ones I did help as well. I refuse anything that is offered to me personally, and I know each and every one of them will deny it was theirs when I try to return it to them. Letting it go to waste is just a shame. Want some? This mead is delicious." 

"I'm still nursing a hangover from the last three days, thank you. I will try some of that cheese though, it looks delicious." I hummed in approval as I chewed on a piece of sausage. 

"How did that trade deal work out?" I asked. 

"Oh, you know. We're haggling." 

"You don't sound too disappointed." I refilled my cup, liking how it all paired together. The mead drank away like lemonade, and was just the right amount of sweet to be delectable. 

"Fact of the matter is that I would have preferred to join you to England." 

"It's troublesome to go there," I noted. "Why risk it?" Everyone raved on about the riches to be gathered, but then failed to see how dangerous it was until they thought about being out at an open sea for the better of a week. England was for the ballsy, not the faint of heart. 

"Why does a man risk anything? To profit, of course." 

"You can either risk it all to gain something, or to avoid losing something," I said. It was a frequent factor when I used to talk to Ragnar about ruling. Siggy had never seen it that way, she preferred to think of ruling as a one-way trip to more and more power. Now it was just Bjorn and I, I missed having someone to talk about it. 

"Which in my eyes is all considered profit," Waldemar said. It made me smile, he was just like Siggy used to be. 

"I like to think of it as benefit. Profit is too much associated with coins, and treasure. Some things in life cannot be so easily measured." 

"Like what?" Waldemar reached out for a piece of smoked bacon. I thought of a few good answers as I chewed on a piece of cheese, myself. 

"Family, honor, love..." 

"Can you not count your siblings, and children? Or the number of honorable deeds you have done?" 

"Do I love less because I have but two children? Would I love my twins less if I were to have more children? Like fire, love cannot diminish when it is shared. A thousand candles can be lit from a single flame, and it does not lessen its ability to burn down a town." 

"Are you saying your love can burn someone?" He topped off my mug for me. This stuff was worse than lemonade, at this rate I'd be drunk before everyone woke up. But it was so good... 

"I'm saying not everything can be compared to something else. It's hard to put a price on things you cannot hold in your hand." Waldemar put a hand on my knee, instantly making me look up. 

"Am I not holding you in my hand right now? Can I not determine your worth?" I snickered, seeing he pretended that he didn't understand. 

"You are not a fool, Waldemar. You know what I mean, and I'd appreciate it if you do not insult my intellect." I took a swallow of the mead, liking the sweetness. My lips tasted just as sweet. I'd have to wake Bjorn up with one of these honey kisses. 

"Apologies if I've given offense..." He removed his hand from my knee. "I wouldn't dream of insulting you." His face got really close all of a sudden. An old instinct reared its head, telling me to run. I was trapped in my seat. When Waldemar touched my face, it was screaming at me. 

"What are you doing?" 

"I'm admiring the view." 

"I'm married," I said, my breathing growing labored. What was he going to do? 

"I heard you were on the outs." 

"You heard wrong." Whoever had leaked that, I'd have to sniff out the rat soon. Then crush it. 

Waldemar didn't let go of me. He knocked over the plate I had made and shared with him, and he knocked over the mug I'd placed on my arm rest. The mead spilled over my dress, I felt the dampness spread over the fabric. 

"Ragnhild," he breathed. His lips found the skin on my throat. 

"Stop it. Right now." My voice cracked from the nerves. 

"I know you want this." 

"Waldemar, stop. I don't want this." He kept on groping me, and it - it made me angry. I raised an arm and let my elbow drop down on his shoulder, hard. 

"Ow!" Before he could look up I punched him in the nose, then tried to kick at him. He was staggering back already and my foot missed him. He got the general idea, though. Waldemar scrambled to get away from me. I got up, making him scramble even harder. 

I left him behind, fleeing inside. Only when there was a closed door between us did I dare take a deep breath. I made my way to the back and crawled underneath the blankets, dragging Bjorn's arm over me in an effort to feel safe. It worked, if only a little. The stain on my dress felt damp against my skin. The smell calmed me down a little, but not as much as Bjorn's warmth. 

"Ragnhild?" He'd woken up, thankfully. "Honey?" 

"It's mead. The smell, I..." Bjorn sat up a bit, holding me close. "Waldemar tried to... I don't know. He groped me." Bjorn was awake now, for real. He moved me in between his legs, my back to his chest. The more of him I could feel around me, the better. 

"Did he hurt you?" His fingers softly brushed my neck. 

"I think I hurt him more. I got a pretty good hit in." It only made Bjorn more angry. He knew I didn't like using violence. 

"I'll kill him." It was a promise. And I was uncomfortable with how safe it made me feel. I buried the side of my face in Bjorn's chest and held him close. 

"Don't. You can't kill or hurt anyone here without losing your place in Valhalla. He's already lost his, don't risk it over something that didn't happen. Not for a fool like him." 

"Then I'll make sure he never lays eyes on you again." Bjorn softly went over my skin with his fingers. I could imagine he felt more than a little helpless. Last time something like this had happened, I'd locked myself in for three days and fainted from dehydration. 

"Bjorn?" He let out a hum, somewhere between a grunt and a question. "I'm fine." 

"I'm not. I still want to strangle him. I almost broke someone's wrist for touching you." 

"Yes, and that's very sweet, but I can't have you running off defending my honor if that means you end up losing your place in Valhalla." 

"As long as I don't kill him, or blood is spilled... Just a reminder that you are definitely not an easy target..." I held my breath for a second. 

"There's something else you should know..." Bjorn took hold of my face and looked at me severely. He looked ready to burst. "He said he heard our marriage was pretty much over. That's why - Bjorn!" He was getting up already. 

"I'll kill him." 

"Bjorn! Get back here!" Around us blankets and furs were shifting around. My shouting had woken up at least a few people. He grunted, but stood still as I touched his arm. "Someone is trying to tear us apart," I whispered. "We have to find out who that is before we lash out blindly." 

"Mom? Dad? What are you shouting about?" Thormund came into sight, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes as Bjorn and I got back to bed. 

"We were just having an argument," Bjorn said bruskly. "Go back to bed." Thormund hesitated. 

"I don't like it when you shout at each other..." Now I felt like a bad parent. I'd had just a tad too much to drink to feel able to handle this properly, even though I felt little of its effect. I looked up at Bjorn, feeling desperate. 

"Come here." Bjorn patted on the bed, and Thormund sat down at the edge. "Your mother and I sometimes fight, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other. And in this case, someone tried to hurt her, so I got mad." Our son's eyes shifted to me. 

"Why would anyone want to hurt you, mom?" Bjorn had smelled the honey on me, knowing I must've drank a few cups. He didn't let me down and led the talk. 

"Because some people think she is more important to them than she is to us, and they will try and take a piece of her." 

"You mean, like, claim her." Thormund crawled in the bed between us, something he hadn't done for quite a while. Most of the time, Siggy was enough to comfort him. 

"Not always, but he tried. He failed, but I'm still mad." 

"Are you okay mom?" His brown eyes looked up at me, lined with worry. Before long he would lose that touch of being scared in his eyes, as he grew up and learned how to be a man. 

"I will be. Having you here with me helps a lot." He brushed up against me, and I felt my hand hurting. I held it up to the light and saw it looked blue near the knuckles. Bjorn glanced at me, and I knew he was worried, justifiably so. My skin hadn't broken, but if I'd bloodied Waldemar... Even a bloody nose could be grounds for severe consequences, most of which I didn't want to think about. 

"Thormund, can you do something for me? I need you to take really good care of your mother today. Don't let her out of your sight, really pamper her." Bjorn didn't take his eyes off my hand as he got up again. Luckily our son didn't seem to notice what was going on yet. He'd want to come with to defend my honor, or something silly like that. 

"I will." 

"I can help, too!" Siggy came out from behind the screen and leaped up the bed as well, eager to show just how well she would do it. "Do you need anything, mom?" 

"Just make sure she stays inside as much as possible. I'll try and be back before breakfast." Bjorn kissed me as Siggy crawled up on my other side, and our eyes met. 

I begged him not to do anything stupid, to be careful, and to wish him luck. He told me not to worry, that he'd make it all go away, and that he loved me. 

"I love you, too," I whispered. His forehead touched mine shortly, then he tore himself away to go settle the debt. He didn't even bother to get dressed completely before he left the three of us behind, grabbing a shirt from the floor as he went. 

"Who hurt your hand?" Siggy had noticed, of course. Thormund rolled over me to see, unfamiliar with the pain that came from him leaning on my breasts. It was sobering to realize not everyone thought of my breasts as sensual, but that they could be used for climbing over me, as well. It was strange, but it calmed me down almost as much as Bjorn had. 

"Careful Thormund. I hurt my hand myself. I hit someone." 

"Mom!" Siggy's eyes went wide in disbelief. 

"Someone tried to rape her," Thormund spat. "She had a right to defend herself." 

"But if she made him bleed she could die!" She was still concerned about me dying, this was the worst timing ever. 

"Siggy, relax. I won't be put to death over a bloody nose. It was out of self-defense, and your father is settling it as we speak. I doubt it'll be brought forward at all, we'll probably have to pay a fine of some sort and that will be all." Siggy still clung to me, trying to hold onto me for dear life. Why did this have to happen the day after that show? I hadn't even had time to talk to her about it again, she could've had trouble falling asleep last night. 

"Dad should kick his ass." Thormund obviously didn't like the idea of anyone hurting me. I loved him for feeling so protective of me, but I worried about him taking after his father where this kind of thing was concerned. I was Bjorn's weakness, and it seemed that even after all these years people were trying to take advantage of that fact. 

"I'm sure Waldemar will feel the consequences of his actions more sharply than me. Now get over here, it's your turn to comfort me for a change." Thormund couldn't help touching my knuckles. His fingers were still so tiny, even compared to my hand. I felt like a giant, whenever his hand found mine. 

"Waldemar? That guy we met when we got here?" he asked as Siggy took a deliberately large lap around me to keep from hurting me again. She snuggled up in the corner of my arm, wrapping one arm around me. I felt better already. 

Whatever Bjorn would face, I knew I could be strong enough to deal with the fallout. I had to take care of our twins, and I would need to take care of myself to do that to the best of my abilities. They were my reasons to be strong, to keep holding on. 

"The very one. He was hungover, or drunk, or both. But that's not an excuse, I'm not hurt less because of it." 

"Does it hurt?" Siggy and her brother somehow always managed to ask questions one at a time, leading to the most bizarre conversations. It was a great way of keeping me and Bjorn on our toes as we had to switch subjects fast. It was also one of the few things that kept the twins from arguing about who could ask something next. As long as we kept to the flow ourselves, they kept from tearing into each other. 

"At first I didn't even feel it, but it's starting to hurt a bit now." I might've been overdoing it with the honesty, but I felt that lying to the twins now would only harm them somehow. Honestly was best, always. If Bjorn were still here I might've even told him about my periods. 

"Helga! Mom's hurt!" I should've expected it. Siggy didn't want to leave my side, nor did she want to ignore the pain I felt. To her, calling out to Helga was the best option. To me, it meant four worried boys, and a curious Floki and Helga in tow. 

"She punched a guy in the face," Thormund said as he saw Helga. 

"Is that why brother ran off?" 

"It is," I admitted to Sigurd. "It's not that bad, I just sprained it a little. See? I can still move it around." 

"Why would you even hurt someone? You never hurt other people..." He seemed genuinely confused as he sat down next to Thormund. "I just want to see," Sigurd muttered as Thormund pushed him away. 

"Pfah! What do you think, little Sigurd? Why would your sister hurt anyone?" Floki kept his eyes on my hand, then raised his eyebrow at Helga. 

"We were all asleep," Ubbe noted, his eyes half closed as he tried to figure it out. 

"Waldemar tried to rape her," Siggy said. Her calm tone of voice told me she wasn't aware of what that meant. The boys, however, did. Helga gave me a curious look as she handed me some willow bark to chew on. It wasn't half bad, with the sweet taste of mead still on my lips. Usually I'd rather suffer the pain than have to deal with the bitter taste of it. 

"It was self-defense," I clarified. "Bjorn is sorting it out as we speak. I'm sure it'll all be fine." 

"Again?" Ubbe's voice was barely audible, and aside from me, only Floki and Helga seemed to notice. 

"I'm fine, as you all can see. Let's give Helga some room to work her seidr. Go get dressed for breakfast, I'll be here until this whole mess is sorted." The twins only left reluctantly, but then Ubbe and Helga were left. Bjorn had wanted to make sure I'd stay inside as he took care of things, and for good reasons, but I had to get on with my life. Nothing had happened, and having everything go back to normal would tell the twins there was nothing to worry about for them, either. 

"Helga knows everything about it, so if you have questions, you can ask me without holding back." Ubbe sat down, looking on as Helga made sure there wasn't anything I was hiding with a brave face. 

"How come it's always you?" I smiled as I brushed aside a stray lock with my good hand. He still had a little trouble keeping his hair properly braided, but he was making an effort each day. 

"It's not just me. This kind of thing happens to almost every woman at one point. You just notice it more when it happens to me." His eyes flitted over to Helga, who nodded. 

"I've had to fight off a few as well, just not here. We only speak of it to other women, if at all." 

"How come? Can't you just - I mean, there's a law against it." 

"The lines tend to get blurry, sometimes. Other times the women feel ashamed, or they fear retribution, or their husbands finding out. The man might think it wasn't rape at all, or forget about it if he drank too much." 

"That's horrible..." 

"You're a special man, Ubbe." Helga looked down at him with a fierce pride. "You know better than most what is wrong and what is right. Not everyone is as lucky to be taught by your auntie. She can put things like this in words that make you understand, in ways even other women can't." That wasn't much of a surprise, to me. I was used to talking about boundaries and assault in therapy, and much to my surprise I found that the way my therapists had talked about it helped other women cope. It was a strange sensation, to realize they had been right, and that they had been helping me all along. I'd gotten here because I believed them to be useless, and wrong. Strange, how life could be. 

"Is that why so many women come to her for advice?" 

"They do. We're not really used to talking about our feelings. I can see it in you, too. It is only with Ragnhild that you feel comfortable discussing your sadness, and your anger, and fears, and when you have good news she is often the first to know." 

"Yeah, well... She's my auntie. Of course I share a lot with her." His words made me feel happy. Despite the clashes we'd had in the past few moons, he knew that family was important, and he still considered my love for him to be unconditional. I didn't need any more proof that I'd done right by him. 

"Other people sometimes need your auntie as well. And some think they can have her for themselves." 

"It hasn't happened for a very long time," I stressed. "And even now, Waldemar failed. You'll see, everything will be alright." Ubbe still didn't seem at ease, but he didn't seem to have any more questions. He watched as Helga put some salve on the sore knuckles, then wrapped some cloth around it to keep it from getting smeared. 

"You know the law," he stressed as I moved around the sore hand a bit to keep it from getting stiff. 

"I do, and in doing so I know nothing will happen." I was the one to teach him about the subtler differences where Aslaug glossed over them, he knew I was well aware of the rules in Uppsala. 

"If you say so..." The doors opened, and judging by the miniature stampede and shouts, Bjorn was back. He'd been fast about it. 

"Let's find out for sure, you skeptical goat." Ubbe scrunched up his nose at my insult, but got out so I could get changed myself. 

"If you'd just let me get some leeches..." I sighed and ignored Helga, not wanting to get dragged into one of those arguments again. 

The mead on my dress was still sticky. I pulled it over my head and grabbed a new one. I'd packed light, and this was the last normal dress I had that was clean. With one covered in mead, one dirty from traveling here, and the third trampled and dirty after my naked escape on the third day, I'd want to keep this one clean for a while. The only other dress I had was meant for the ceremony on the last day. 

"Floki mentioned they were fading," Helga noted as she packed up her kit. I hadn't stopped to see them in the light of day yet. The red ones had turned to silver, and the silver ones were barely visible. 

It was terrible light. Had I seen them in the light of day I'd see them as they truly were. The longhouse wasn't exactly bathing in sunlight. That had to be it. Scars didn't fade like that, ever. Part of me didn't want them to fade. 

I felt Bjorn trace over the tattoo on my back. I recognized his finger, and the softness he touched me with, his gentle way of moving my hair to spill over my shoulder. 

"You managed to smoothe things over," I noted. He would have asked me to sit down had it been bad news. 

"Even better." Helga was no doubt curious, but she left us to be alone all the same. I gave up the pretense of trying to put on a dress. If I kept it in my hands it would get dirty within five minutes. 

"Will you tell me? I've never seen you act so secretively." His fingers danced over my skin, making it hard to keep breathing normally. 

"Oh, it's good." I'd have to beg him to tell me. He was so proud of what he'd done, he thought it deserved a reward. And the way he was swirling his fingertips over my skin, I was more than inclined to let him have it. 

"My, aren't you talkative. Let's see if I can..." He silenced me with a kiss. I turned to face him, not wanting to strain my neck even more from kissing. He pulled my body close, his hands moving through my hair. The stubble he had grown overnight scratched at my skin, but I didn't mind, not this time. He had kept me safe from harm, he had given me peace of mind, and he was proud of me. Aside from his touch, nothing else mattered. 

A sigh escaped my mouth as I pressed up against him. His shirt rubbed against my nipples, I felt Bjorn chuckle as he felt them through the fabric. 

"You've changed," Bjorn said in a whisper. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, wondering if he'd discovered one of the secrets I kept from him. "Did you even notice you got undressed in front of Helga?" 

I cocked my head, then a soft smile came to my face. He was right. Ten years ago I would've thought it impossible I ever would. 

"You say that like it's a bad thing..." 

"Are you kidding? I love seeing how strong you've become. And I love how I can make you grow soft." His fingers went down, my eyes opening wide as he brushed against my folds. I caught my breath before it turned into a moan. I hated being loud where others could hear me. 

"I thought you wanted me to praise you for a change," I whispered. My chest tried to burrow inside of his. The way he could make me feel... "You just might have saved my life, you know." 

"Don't be so foolish, you know that wasn't even up for debate. Waldemar hid in the bushes somewhere to hide the blood, I caught him on the way to his camp." 

"I know, but Siggy might need to hear that, too. She's worried about me dying soon." 

Bjorn put his hand on my face, all play gone from his face. 

"She got scared at that story telling yesterday, she just needs a little reassurance." 

"Are you sure this isn't because of Sigurd?" I made to protest, but he put one of his damp fingers to my lips. "Let me finish. I know you've done wonderful with him, and that he's never done better. But I do wonder if you giving him so much attention hasn't affected the twins. You know how I feel about you taking care of the boys." He removed his finger, and I wasn't as mad as I was before. 

"She just needs to hear her father say that she's safe and sound. I've told her already, but you know how much she looks up to you." 

"I shouldn't even have to tell her." 

"Don't get mad at me over this, I kept her at that show despite my urge to walk out. You know how I feel, as well." I took a deep breath and grew even calmer. I didn't want to fight about these things, not today. Not ever. "Siggy will be fine. I know you've been busy, and so have I." Bjorn pulled me closer, taking in a deep breath as well. 

"If I could spend more time with them, I would. You know that." 

"I do, and I know how hard that must be for you. I didn't mean to upset you. Tell me about your talk with Waldemar, what did you get out of it?" 

His eyes showed another twinkle, making me giddy with excitement again. I let my hands slide over his chest, then down to his pants. He barely had taken the effort to tighten it properly. 

"You'll love it..." He let out a longing sigh as I pulled out his cock. After he pulled my hair back I went to my knees. I pulled on his shirt as I gave Bjorn a pointed look from beneath my lashes. If he wanted this to be as good as it could get I didn't want it to get in the way. He pulled it off. 

Before the shirt had landed on the floor I had taken to slowly kissing his tight stomach and hips, his thighs, then back up to his hips and stomach again. I circled my way towards the center, and by the time I had done my second circle I felt his dick jutting up at my collarbone. With a smile on my face I started lapping at his skin as well, glancing up at his face. 

Bjorn had thrown his head back. His hands went through my hair as if I'd already started. I didn't mind, not after what he did for me. He was seldom this forward about what he wanted, he knew it wouldn't fly over if he did. It was just shy of demanding, to me. 

I took in a deep breath, taking in his smell. It felt like the silence before the storm. 

As my lips touched his dick, I knew I would enjoy this. It was the thrumm in the air, the way his hands dug into my hair with the desire to pull me close, I felt it in the way my heart was beating. I'd never been that fond of giving head, but I loved giving it to Bjorn. 

His eyes were starting to lose focus already. I slowed down, wanting to hear what it was he deserved this reward for. 

"Oh, that's amazing... Waldemar immediately agreed that it was self-defense." I sucked a little harder, getting him to grunt. "And to make up for our trouble he will make sure to gift us with some fine horses." Horses? We had plenty of those, why had he bothered with that? 

Bjorn brushed against my cheek, making me look up. 

"He will make sure we get half his stables. We can gift them to some of our farmers that are still recovering, like that woman who came to you for a blessing of her lands." Sigrunn... A horse to help pull the plough would make her life so much easier. "I knew you would want it to benefit everyone, and not just us. But I did take the liberty to get you something nice, as well." 

Now I was doubly eager to get him off. I licked along his shaft, atarted fondling his balls as he shifted around on his feet. I didn't know how he did it, but he could keep standing whenever he came. I always collapsed in his arms when we tried. 

"I knew you'd like that... Oh, fuck... I got him to promise us some nice furs, as well. You know what they have a surplus of?" 

"I imagine you might think it's worth sucking you off some more," I said as I jerked him off. I swallowed and went back to business, keeping my eyes aimed at his. 

"They've had a plague recently... Oh, damn. Fuck, I love you..." It encouraged me to really give it my all. I loved how I could make him feel this good, as if he had already conquered the world. "They had to fight off... Ohh, a pack of lynxes." I let go of him and got to my feet. Bjorn let out a disappointed grumble. 

"Lynx? He's getting us lynx furs?" Those were so much easier to maintain than bear and wolf furs, and lasted longer to boot. I'd been denying myself a nice new cloak made of it for far too long, they were rare in our part of Norway. 

"Enough to make you two new cloaks and new bed furs for all of us." I wrapped my arms around him, feeling like this was turning into a very good day. "He did feel terrible about almost raping you." 

I lost the enthusiasm I had felt. Bjorn pulled me close, his fingers digging into my back. 

"I'm okay, I promise. I just got a bit rattled." 

"Then I know just what you need to get unrattled again." He picked me up and carried me to the bed, then fell on top of me as we reached the edge. Just in time he let go of me and caught his own weight, diving into a kiss straight away. I pulled off his pants as we were at it, eager to have him leaning on his knees. It meant he had some room to touch my body with more than his lips and chest. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to suck you off?" I asked as he pulled his pants past his ankles. 

"At this point I'm happy we're even having this conversation. And you know how much I love being inside of you." He checked if I was ready, then wasted no time plunging into me. I gasped as he entered, feeling my vagina adjust to his presence. 

"Fuck... Fuck, fuck, fuck..." Bjorn put a hand over my mouth. Only then I realized I wanted to get loud. My eyes opened wide as I felt him sliding in, somehow it felt even better than usual. Even though we were already fucking, I kept getting hornier. 

I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him close. Bjorn buried himself deep inside of me, knowing what I needed. My lips begged him to give himself to me, all of him. 

He got to his knees and pulled me closer, pulling my hips up. His fingers dug into my skin as he started fucking me with a ferociousness I wanted him to keep up for hours. 

I had to bite my lip to keep from shouting out loud. Everyone knew what was going on on our side of the screens, but that didn't mean they had to hear every breath I took. Bjorn had trouble keeping it down as well, I saw his ears turn red from the exertion it took to fuck me like this. 

He put his thumb on my clit. I wanted to yell at him for slowing down the tempo, but I was too busy keeping my voice down as I came. Bjorn kept on applying pressure, intent to get me off multiple times in quick succession. 

The breath was knocked out of me. I tried to gasp for air but came up short, overwhelmed with the feel of Bjorn inside of me, the pleasure he gave me, the need to stay silent as I wanted to scream at the gods for creating something as stupid as sound at all. 

Bjorn let out a grunt, unable to stop himself. As his body collapsed onto mine, I managed to breathe again. I wrapped my arms around his neck. 

"I love you," he whispered in my ear. He nuzzled my neck, as well as he could reach it with my vicegrip. 

"I love you, too." I held him close, knowing he loved staying inside of me after. And I had to admit, I had started to love it, too. "I forgot to ask, what did you get for yourself?" 

"You did have your mouth full... I may have persuaded him to join us to Scotland." My face fell, but Bjorn didn't seem worried. I let go of his neck and pushed him up a bit so I could look in his eyes. 

"He was after that from the start. Bjorn, you gave him what he wanted." 

"First of all, what he really wanted was you. In exchange for him and his men joining us, he agreed to tell me who told him that garbage about our marriage, and he agreed to hand me half of his share before the cut." That effectively meant Bjorn would get half of the entire raid, and Harald would have to contend with seeing Bjorn take the best things away from under his nose, while Waldemar had to make do with the leftovers. Bjorn was then free to do what he wanted with his share. He could keep it to himself, or share with his men. Both held substantial advantages, and with the horses... 

Everyone would know that wealth would come from Bjorn and me, that Aslaug had nothing to do with it. It would cement the advantages we'd gotten here, with him being the Officiator. 

"You are amazing," I whispered. This was the kind of play his father would have been proud of. "I love you so much." 

"I love you, too. And I'm so happy to see you handling this so well. I'm proud of you." My heart filled with joy. This was proof that all of Bjorn's patience and faith in me had not gone to waste. He had made me stronger. He had helped me live, and not just survive. 

"It's you who made me this strong." I awkwardly put my injured hand on his arm, it was more sore than before. I should've been more careful during the sex, but once we'd started... 

"How's your hand?" Bjorn asked. He kissed me before he let me answer, rolling to the side as he went for my ear lobe. I swatted him away, we'd have to get up for breakfast soon. 

"It looks to be just a sprain. How did Waldemar look?" 

"You broke his nose." Bjorn had to do his best not to smile. He almost dry humped me in his joy, pulling me close as he lay on his side. "He'll have bags under his eyes for a while yet." At the least it wouldn't make him uglier. He'd broken his nose oftentimes before, that much was clear from looking at it. He must have had trouble keeping up his shield when he was young, it had been knocked into his face once or twice. 

"Breakfast!" I gave Bjorn a slow kiss where I had to get his hands off me to keep from everything escalating, then I got up to wash off the worst of his sperm. After I put on my dress I flipped back my hair, having to pull at it a second time to get everything out of my neckline. 

"It's getting really long." Bjorn put it all behind my shoulders. 

"I used to have hair just below my ears. I was trying to grow it out when I got here." We made our way out, where everyone pretended not to know about the sex we'd just had. I could see Ubbe casting us curious glances though, no doubt wondering if we'd used that rope. 

"I'd like to see that one time, but I don't want you to lose this. I love it." To be honest it was becoming a bit thin at the ends, I'd have to cut off a few inches to keep it from dying on me. I wouldn't be able to get it much longer than this. 

"You seem to be doing your best as well." His braid was a promise, to wait for his father. I couldn't wait for it to go, for a multitude of reasons, but I had to admit I liked it when he hadn't tied it all together. 

"I'm not cutting it off," he warned me as we moved to the long table to eat. 

"I'm not holding a knife in my hands," I pointed out. 

"If you are talking about Bjorn's hair it must have gone over well," Helga said as we sat down. 

"It did," Bjorn replied as he looked up. "We've come to a mutual understanding." I'd forgotten to ask who had spread the rumors about us. 

"Then what did he get?" Ubbe clearly had a strong opinion on what to do with the would-be rapist. 

"His life, and a chance to atone. It seems he was led to believe some filthy rumors." Bjorn's eyes flitted over to Aslaug, who noticed and quickly changed the subject. Something about it made me wary, beyond what I normally felt. There had been something going on between the two of them. 

"What are you boys up to, today?" Aslaug asked. Bjorn held a hand on my knee as he drank some ale. I was fuming on the inside, but I couldn't let it show, not now. His touch was all that kept me from throwing my knife at her face. 

"There's a guy who's showing some people how to breathe fire," Hvitserk said, already lighting up. 

"Oh, well, be careful when you watch." Hvitserk wanted to object, but Ubbe must have kicked him underneath the table. He caught me looking, and I pointed towards Sigurd with my eyes. He nodded. He'd include his brother when they would try to breathe fire themselves. 

"Mother and I will be going to see the first human sacrifices," Ivar bragged. The idea of blood spilling appealed to him in a way that made even those born Viking glance his way with a little doubt. It reminded me all too much of my own bloodlust. 

"Guthrum promised to show us something cool today," Siggy said, not wanting to be left out. "It's supposedly a secret." 

"Oh? Will you share it with us?" Siggy sneered at Aslaug's comment. 

"It's called a secret for a reason, grandma." Ever since Aslaug had determined she started to see wrinkles on her skin she had abhorred that title, and it made me feel a little better to see her struggling to keep in a rebuke. The twins were only two years younger than Ivar, and she was only four years older than me. My skin was still flawless as ever, save for my thighs. 

"Would you like me to stay in today?" Bjorn was still worried about me. That, or he wanted to bang again. 

"I'll be fine. I was thinking of visiting Freyja again." He nodded, seeing the sense in seeking guidance at a time like this. 

"Then Floki and I will finally get to meet with the last of the earls." I would have insisted on coming along, but I needed to calm down. In two days' time, I'd have my work cut out for me. Bjorn would tell me all about his meetings later, for now I had to rest up and take care of myself. With the equinox approaching, I had to steel myself for all the blood I would see up close. I couldn't pretend it was ketchup anymore, and the day after would be the last day here. 

"What will you do, Helga?" Ivar looked up at her in a way that would have creeped me out. She just smiled kindly, not bothered at all. Since the second day here she was perhaps a little too easy with her smiles. 

"Oh, I'm not sure. I'll just wait and see to find out what the gods have in store for me." That actually sounded pretty good. I had come here with the idea of having some time to relax and get rested, but the gods had very different plans. 

Everyone finished their meal and scattered, all the excitement from this morning seemingly forgotten. Bjorn hadn't. As I made to grab my bag from beside our bed, he followed me. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to walk with you? At least take Helga with on the way there." 

"I'll be fine. As long as I don't have to see his face anytime soon I'll manage." 

"Then what if you run into him? I can imagine he might need some guidance now as well." 

"You worry too much." He laughed, knowing I was only trying to sound like him when he tried to comfort me. It broke through the worst of his worries, though. 

"Don't ever stop amazing me. My life would be so boring without you." Bjorn wrapped his arms around me, but his words didn't comfort me all that much. What would happen if I stopped amazing him? There were still a lot of things left unsaid between us. Me bleeding, the hunch I had about him wanting to take a second wife... We needed to grow more confident in each other before I dared venture there, I was terrified that it could tear us apart. 

"You go prepare for your big meeting, I'll be fine. I know you're here for me when I need you. I love you, Bjorn." Ever since the amazing sex we had on the third day it was so easy to say it again, and mean it. 

The temple was quiet for once, and I had no trouble finding Freyja again. 

"I really need a mother right now," I told her. "I'm so confused about what's happening. Ever since I got here I can feel your presence, but there's so much that seems to dilute our connection. All the stuff with Bjorn that's happening... It doesn't make sense. I was certain he would try and find a second wife, and now..." He hadn't even touched another woman. Ever since I came to that tent we had reconnected with such ease. The brown-haired woman had indeed brought me to my happiness. Or had she been blond? 

"And I keep thinking back to the woman who braided my hair. I couldn't have done it myself, I'm not that good, and I haven't even seen those flowers before in my life. They were beautiful, and they made me look beautiful, and I can't wrap my head around it. Was it you? Or some other goddess? If I am truly your vessel, doesn't that mean you need me to do things for you? Are you not moving through me? Please, I need your guidance. I feel lost. I don't know what to think, or do." 

The statue just stood there, no warm or fuzzy feeling came over me like before. 

I grew angry. The gods didn't seem to think of me at all. I knew they must have been busy, but as a chosen one... 

It was vain. I was vain, and selfish. People with worse problems than me needed their attention. I had rekindled with Bjorn, and I would leave here richer than I had come here because of it. The gods had heard me and either by coincidence or design I had gotten back what I had lost. 

"You must think me foolish. I've always been blind to many things. Please don't blame me." 

"I don't think she blames you for anything." I rolled my eyes as I heard the same voice that had interrupted me before. The ulfhednar I'd insulted. He looked a lot softer now, even as he leaned up against the door post. 

"How would you know?" 

"I saw her. She cares for you." Berserkers were known to have visions, but I was hesitant to take his word for it. 

"You speak about her with a callous familiarity," I pointed out. It would take a while for me to trust in his gift, too long for this festival. 

"I see your tongue is still sharp. It can wound just as bad as a sword." 

"Why have you come?" 

"I mean to speak to you, if you don't mind." He came closer, standing in front of me. He wasn't that much taller than me. 

"I have helped enough people yesterday." 

"You misunderstand. I mean to help you." This was getting interesting. Hardly anyone ever came up to me to ask if I needed help, and only a few weren't my friends. I was bad at taking help, and I knew how to take care of those around me and whatever was hurled at me. I hardly ever needed it. 

"In what way?" 

"What do you need help with?" 

"You obviously don't know me. It takes a long time for me to trust anyone. Don't think I'll divulge any secrets or desires to you. I can't trust someone who doesn't have a name, or doesn't drink." He pulled out a flask and took a swig, then offered it to me. It was... delicious. The same sweet mead I'd drank before. 

"Now do you trust me? That mead is very rare." He was up to something, playing along might be all for the better. 

"I trust you more than before. Why is it so rare?" I had to hold back from taking another drink. 

"It's said to be the Mead of Poetry." At least he could make me laugh. I hadn't forgotten his eagerness to see my markings yet. I'd meant to talk to Bjorn about it, but I didn't have the time for it. We'd been so busy during the days, and then at night we were fucking each other senseless. 

"You expect me to believe this is Kvasir? The god who rose from a barrel of spit, filled with the wisdom of the ages? The one who was so smart that he was blind to how dumb he could be?" He had been caught by two Jotnarr, and then had been boiled down to this drink, according to this man. It was part of the story of how Kvasir had come to life and died shortly after, but then he appeared in other stories as well. To say it was confusing to keep the lore straight was an understatement. 

"That's very eloquently put." I hadn't realized this was one of the farts that could blow away kings. 

"I'm still not convinced... But I'll grant you, this is very good mead." 

"How would you describe it?" He sat down next to me, curious to hear my answer. 

"It's... Liquid sunshine. A soft breeze on a warm day, and the warm winds that herald the summer. It's the summary of all things human." Whatever was in that mead, it made me feel philosophical as it had when I had been drinking with Waldemar. It made me talk more, not more eloquent. 

"You make it sound like a miracle," the ulfhednar said. 

"It's not. Us humans are the miracle, if you ask me. We're prone to desires, and recklessness, all in the name of the gods. Blind faith is a horrible thing, or so I thought. Here, I can see the beauty of it. Humanity is so fragile, and so resilient at the same time." 

"Are you speaking of humans in general, or the humanity in each of us?" 

"Am I so poetic you can't tell anymore? Think on it. There's no wrong answer." 

"Ragnhild Freyjasdottir... You'll leave your mark on the world." He offered me another drink, which I gladly took. 

"I won't. Our Seer once told me my name would be forgotten." I glanced over, watching intently to how he would react. 

"Perhaps not as Ragnhild. You have more than one name, if I recall correctly." 

"I do, but it's not one I'm fond of. It's a remnant from the past." 

"There will be more names, as there will always be more mead." 

"Are you trying to get me drunk? I thought you were supposed to help me." 

"This is not the kind of drink you get drunk off." That would explain why I had felt sober enough to calm down the children after almost four cups. "Tell me, do you ever sing?" 

"Only to my husband. I've not the voice to share with a hall." 

"I heard you sing the most wonderfully romantic songs." 

"Which is why I keep them for my husband. You'll not get one from me." 

"Then tell me about them. Your 'mother' is known for her love of those kinds of songs. What are they like?" 

"They're... Amazing. Poetry is nice and all, but there's something the music can tell you as well. Words are just wind, but with a tune it becomes so much more. It's like the voice turns into an instrument as well. When it all flows together... It becomes more balanced, less raw, or even more so... I don't know. I can't begin to describe it, which leads me to believe that this is not the Mead of Poetry. Surely no man or woman who drinks from this would ever be lost for words again." The berserker smiled, as if he remembered something. 

"What kind of love would they speak of? These songs beyond description?" 

"Why are you so interested?" 

"Is it a crime to ask questions?" 

"No... Will you answer some questions I have?" He graciously extended a hand. I had a feeling he had wanted to get to this point in the conversation. "Did you decide to become one of the ulfhednar, or was it decided for you?" 

"I was destined to become one." 

"So it was forced on you. Do you ever feel like becoming a farmer, or a smith? Just... Something else?" 

"I was born to become one of the ulfhednar." He didn't seem to understand me. 

"Then why did you do as you were told?" I only seemed to confuse him more. "Surely there was a moment where you could make a decision." 

"Our lives are fated." 

"Then why did Vili give us free will and reasoning?" I loved how that question made everyone reel back. 

"We are free to make mistakes, but whatever we do, we will end up on the path that was meant for us." He wasn't as rattled as I thought… Interesting. Mostly because I hadn't thought of it like that. No one had ever given me an answer that led me to ask another question... No mortal, at least. With all that had been going on... 

"So if I choose to just lay in bed and sleep for the rest of my life I will still get to fulfill my destiny? The gods will find a way to make it so that the norns turn out to be right? In that case I pity them all." 

"You're speaking very callously again." 

"Then rejoice in the fact I'm speaking to you, and not a god." I watched his reaction closely, but his face remained passive, almost as if he hadn't heard me. 

"Why are you so determined to speak of free will?" 

"If I don't feel like I am responsible for my own life and happiness, I can't do anything to change it for the better. I refuse to believe anyone can keep me from my happiness. So I ask again, are you happy being forced into your fate as a berserker?" 

"The gods have sent you to test my resolve. You want to make me question everything I hold sacred." 

"If you say so..." He eyed me warily. 

"I came here to see if I could help you, but it seems you are beyond my reach." The man got up, looking down at me as if I were a godsend. The wrong kind. 

"Good luck with your training," I offered. 

"I'm not in training." I took him in again as he turned around and left, and for the briefest flash I could have sworn he looked completely different. His hair was much lighter, he had a scar on the left side of his face, his clothes had gone from shabby to hardly worn and bright blue... 

"Holy shit," I breathed, clutching Freyja's statue. I took a moment to collect myself, suddenly feeling unsure of everything I knew. That... Who was he, really? 

Everyone knew that the gods walked amongst us here. They could always hear, but now they could see and feel as well. And I felt like I had just seen one of them. Holy shit. A god, I'd talked to him, drank from the same skin. He'd wanted to help me, and I had scared him off. I could've asked so many questions... 

"Excuse me?" A woman looked at me a little uncertain. "I was hoping to pray to Freyja..." 

"Oh, yes, of course. Just let me gather my things." I got up, hoisting my bag on my shoulder. The man had left the skin, and if it was really the mead of poetry, I'd want to keep it safe. I shoved it in my bag and took my leave, knowing it was too valuable to leave lying around. Shit, holy fucking shit. If I hadn't been so mistrusting... I could've asked about Kol, or my destiny. 

The longhouse was empty when I came back, but for a tiny soft laugh coming from the back. I silently made my way to the back, and found Sigurd hiding underneath the furs of my bed. Seeing his flushed face and giggle made me stop beating myself down. This was a problem I could handle. 

"Sigurd? I thought you were out with your brothers." 

"I couldn't join in. The man said I was too small to breathe fire like a dragon." He didn't sound too sad, though. A hiccup came from his mouth as I raised the blanket. He had found the small cask of mead I'd been drinking from that morning. "Are you mad?" 

"No, I'm just a little worried. You know you're too young to drink. You knew I'd find out. Why did you take it?" And why hadn't the servants noticed? They had managed to bring everything in, but that was about it. Aslaug was off her game, that much was clear. If we'd still been in Kattegat she would've kept them all in line. She was distracted, and I didn't want to think about why that could be. 

"I don't know... I only wanted to taste it, because it smelled so good. But then I couldn't stop." I lifted up the thing and realized it was empty. He must have drank two good horns from it. 

"Well, I bet your brothers will be very jealous when they find out. I was told it wasn't just any regular mead." Sigurd's eyes went big. "Can you keep a secret?" I told him of my strange encounter, trying to make sense of it myself. 

"The mead of poetry?" He was way too happy for a kid who just drank two horns. They hadn't been small, either. 

"Yes, can you believe it? It's incredibly tasty, isn't it?" 

"Then I'll be able to tell stories just as good as you!" 

"Why don't we find out? Can you think of one you'd like to tell me?" He thought for a moment, putting two fingers to his lips as I sometimes did when trying to figure out what to tell. And if he was busy telling a story, I'd be able to keep an eye on him in case the mead would work its way back up. 

"Yes, I have one! You'll love this one!" His enthusiasm was infectious. "It's got all the things you love. Betrayal, a crafty plan to make it right, something out of the chest, and a happy ending." Full of passion he started to set the scene, with Thor waking up to find his hammer missing. He lunged at Loki immediately, and demanded he find out what had happened. Loki came up with a plan to get Mjöllnir back from Thrym, some orge king, and they both went to Freyja for help. With her in the stories, it was always a good one. 

I'd heard the tale before, but Sigurd added so many details it came to life in my head. It made me wonder if he had really drank the mead of poetry, or if thinking he did made him confident enough to make his voice heard. Either way it was beautiful to see him blossom like this. 

He told of how Thor had to dress up like Freyja, and the clever things Loki said to keep the ogre king who thought he was marrying Freyja unsuspecting. Even the bloodshed that followed after Thor got Mjöllnir back as his brideprice sounded like a just punishment, the way Sigurd told of it. 

"I've never heard that story told with such a passion. It's almost as if you were there for all of it." Sigurd glowed with pride, lighting up the room. 

"Then it was truly the mead of poetry, auntie. Where did it come from?" 

"I'm not sure. But we are here in Uppsala, and the gods are here with us. I think they might have meant for you to find it." 

"And what about that strange man you saw?" 

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "I only saw his back, but he was suddenly blond. I don't think it was a trick of the light." 

"It's a shame you didn't see his whole face. It could have been any one of them." 

"That it is, but having a god come out to speak to me is very special. I feel blessed nonetheless, as should you." He was growing a bit sleepy, but otherwise he seemed fine. 

"I can't wait to tell my brothers." 

"Oh, they will be jealous! Never will they know the taste of that mead, and they will never tell a story half as well as you." 

"Maybe even mother will think I'm special now..." His eyes fell shut, and as I gently stroked his hair he drifted off. 

"You already are special, my sweet, brave boy. I love you." I stayed with him for a bit, not wanting to leave him alone and not wanting to feel alone myself. He had only been a few moons old when I came here, as he had grown up, so had I. Sigurd had finally come to accept Ragnar wasn't coming back anytime soon, and it had done him good. He was finally able to let go of the past a little, and for that I envied him. 

I still missed Ragnar, and how he used to be. He had helped me survive at first, then gave me all I had needed to live, and even offered me the time to learn to accept my role in this strange world. And that last night with him... I counted myself lucky I had come across him then. Some part of me had hoped he would return here, but now the festival was drawing to an end soon I couldn't see how that was still likely. Only the gods knew where he was, and if that was in this realm.


	7. Day 7

There were some things I thought I knew, that then turned out to be a lie. Me being pregnant with the twins was of course the best example of that, as it meant I had something to gain from being wrong. It was harder to accept when it meant I had made a mistake.

Other times, most of the times, I was simply astounded by how people got by. I couldn't imagine a life without technology when I got here, and sometimes still had trouble coming to terms with how simple it all could be.

"But it's the 21st," I insisted, not buying a word Hvitserk was saying. "We always celebrate new year's on the same date, and now you're telling me it's come a day early?" If anything, the celestial world was solid, and unchangeable, and as long as people didn't try and interpret things from the stars it was a nice subject to talk about.

"Well, yeah. What made you think it's got a set date? It all depends on the sun." I let myself fall back into my seat. Was this something like a leap year?

"I don't understand."

"You know how the equinox works, auntie. The sun is in the sky the longest today. So tomorrow starts a new year."

"How do you know?"

"The priests sent out word. They just know." Hvitserk gave me a shit-eating grin I wanted to smack off his face. Just because he could look me in the eye now did not mean he got to talk down to me.

"And how do the priests just know?"

"You always tell me you just know things," Hvitserk said with a shrug. It took some effort, but I managed to keep a straight face as his voice started to croak. It was happening more and more now, and it was adorable.

"I thought I knew this." The priests would never anger the gods, they were completely at ease with this decision. Then how had they figured it out?

"The sun must have been in a rush this year."

"The sun can't be in a rush," I pointed out, biting my tongue as I heard how sharply the words left me.

"Why does it bother you? I know you want to say you don't believe it. Some things just are." These people still believed the earth was flat, of course I doubted their interpretation of the world.

"Well, some things I do know better."

"And other things, the priests know better. And that makes us different, not wrong." I let out a tired sigh. Hvitserk was not per se making sense, he was only throwing my own words back to my face. And still, there was no malice at all. Ubbe loved going against me, just to see me react. Hvitserk... Not so much. They were starting to come into their own strengths and weaknesses, and this one...

"You know things need to make sense to me before I can take them at face value."

"If you understand something it's not taking it at face value anymore." He got a little insecure. "Auntie? Is there... Anything you need to talk about?" I took a deep breath and put on a brave face. This could just become a lesson, not remain a painful topic.

"I don't know Hvitserk, you tell me. You seem to notice a lot about me."

"You're acting like you did when you tried to prove the world is round." Another deep sigh left me. As much as I considered myself to be a believer now, things like Midgard being held together by a serpent didn't rhyme with what I knew. All during the festival, my head and heart were battling it out, over multiple fronts. I knew certain things to be true, but my senses told me a whole different story. Not to mention the things I had seen here, that were still impossible.

"What similarities do you see? And what's different?" I asked, earning me a scowl.

"You promised, no lessons when we are here. You're trying to hide something from me, aren't you?" Many things, in fact, and usually I was far more successful.

"Some things I just don't understand," I admitted, "even after all these years. And then what I feel and what I know doesn't line up and I get confused. Like how I believe the world is round, because I've seen the proof of it. But then I believe in the gods, and all the stories tell me that Midgard is flat. What am I to make of such a thing?" Hvitserk thought for a second, frowning.

"Then... Why not both?" I cocked my head, surprised by his answer. "You never did tell anyone where you're from, right? Aside from brother. So what if earth like you know it and Midgard are two different things?" I sat back, thinking over my options. If I told him the truth, he'd know I was from Midgard, but like a different version of it. If I lied, he'd think I was from another realm, somehow. I decided to do neither.

"You're starting to get this thinking out of the chest thing," I complimented. Usually he wasn't as bright as his brothers.

"Is it helpful advice?"

"Who knows. Sometimes advice needs to settle in for a bit to be effective. I've had people walk out on me, only to return to apologize, or to tell me they finally understood."

"You're not answering my question. It's not helpful at all, is it? Why don't you just tell me? I feel like you're lying to me." He was disappointed. I wasn't used to seeing him look at me like this; ever since he had decided we were friends he had trusted me to always tell him the truth. Because that was what friends did, in his mind.

I was drawn from my musings as the door opened.

"Ragnhild?" It was one of the women I'd told to come back here, Ragnvi.

"I'll be right there. Please, take a seat." I planted a soft kiss on Hvitserk's hair. "My sweet boy... You're asking questions that come dangerously close to me having to answer where I'm from. I'm not lying to you, nor do I want to. But truth be told, I'd rather die than have to put that burden on you."

"I don't understand..."

"Me being from that place is what makes it hard for me to understand this world, even after all this time. I don't want you to be conflicted over it."

"But Bjorn seems to be handling it just fine..."

"We still talk about it a lot. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. It's because I see Bjorn struggle that I don't want anyone else to know. Can you understand that?" He hung his head a little, the way he always did when I told him he wasn't old enough to know something yet.

"I'll never stop wondering, though."

"I know. It's exactly that tenacity that tells me you'll be a great warrior." He tried to smile, but even his lips couldn't be fooled.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Yeah, this'll be one of those painful talks."

"Just tell me this..." Hvitserk had never shown me this kind of look before. He'd always let Ubbe do most of the thinking, but they were starting to deviate from their steadfast alliance as of late. Sigurd reaped the most benefit of this development, finally getting included in some of the action they tried to hide from the adults. I was holding my breath in anticipation, I'd been waiting for him to come into his own strength for a few moons now. "Why do you have a rope near your bed?"

I let out a disappointed sigh.

"You should know better than to ask me questions Ubbe tells you to ask. I told him myself, and I'll tell you the same. If you ever need to talk to me for advice, about love, or sex, or anything else for that matter, I'll keep what we talk about private. But I won't tell you about what I do underneath the furs myself." I felt disappointed in Hvitserk, and he knew it. He shouldn't let Ubbe goad him into doing this sort of thing anymore, he was old enough to have a mind of his own, and a brain to think of the consequences of such questions.

"It's just... I saw you and Bjorn were so happy and in love, and I just can't understand how you would need a rope. It's - he's not forcing you, is he?"

"Oh, sweety, of course not. You know me, I'd never let a man touch me like that. I'd have cut off his balls ages ago. It's just part of a game we sometimes play, that's all." I wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close. Hvitserk took in a deep breath, looking a lot better.

"Okay..." He hugged me back, then got up and left. "If Ubbe comes in, can you tell him I'm off to the bonfire?"

"Which one?"

"He'll know."

"I will. Have fun." He almost skipped out of the house. I could only shake my head, sigh, and go tend to my guests. I made my way to the front, seeing both women had come in together. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting, little Hvitserk needed some advice of his own."

"Not at all, we're very happy you agreed to see us today. We realize just what an honor it is." Oddfrid bowed her head a little, as if to acknowledge my might.

"My outburst had nothing to do with the two of you. I have been careless of late, and I had to rectify that. Though my advice and time is freely given, it is not a commodity that comes cheap. And I am more than happy to help those who have gone through the same as me."

A servant put down a pitcher of ale and a few mugs. I gave a pointed look, the girl should know better than to keep my guests thirsty upon arrival.

"So the rumors are true," Ragnvi said as she glanced around. "I can't imagine someone like you having gone through the same. I mean, the gods are with you, always, my mother told me so. You helped her once, though she wouldn't tell me what it was about." There were a number of things women were hestitant to talk of, before and after they came to me for advice. Some sought to end a pregnancy and feared the judgment and lack of silence of their healer, others wanted to get out of an abusive situation, or asked me to cure their lust for other women.

"I have had a lot of time to recover, and people to talk to. It will get better, in time. Why don't you tell me what it is you want to talk about." The women gave each other a questioning glance. "Do you want to tell me the story? Would you like me to confirm it was rape? Do you need advice on how to move past it?"

"I - I want to know how I can ever feel comfortable around a man again," Ragnvi said as she looked to Oddfrid. Her blond hair was braided elaborately I now noticed. Oddfrid nodded in agreement, her hair was much simpler.

"That's the trickiest part of all. What happened to you is gruesome. The men who did it violated your boundaries, and in such a way you fear it will be violated again. What worked for me was to come across someone who respects those boundaries, and acknowledges that what happened to me was horrible. You can slowly rebuild your confidence in men in general, if you find someone willing to put in the time and effort."

"Is that what Bjorn Ironside did for you?" I didn't like getting so intimate about a subject so painful.

"We took our time getting to know each other, before we got together. He had to be very patient for a long time, but in the end it was all worth it." Thinking back to those first few months brought a smile to my face.

"You make it sound like an elf tale." Ragnvi looked like this wasn't what she needed to hear.

"It's anything but. It was hard work, and it wasn't easy, but we managed to get me through it. The key is to talk about it. We agreed to always be honest, about everything. If he does something that makes me uncomfortable, I tell him. He does the same with me. It gave me the time I needed to start trusting him."

"I don't believe you." I didn't know what to say to that. Oddfrid was entitled to her opinion, and I wasn't here to change her mind. "You can't be this open about it, if it really happened to you. And I have heard the stories about Bjorn. He's not that..." I took a deep breath. Just because Bjorn was cunning and smart didn't mean he couldn't be gentle as well.

"I believe you," Ragnvi softly countered.

"She doesn't look ravaged! How can anyone be fine after rape? You've been through it, I can see it in your eyes. But hers are shiny, and happy. She doesn't know sorrow like we do." Oddfrid only doubled down, set in her ways of how the world worked. She hadn't come here with an open mind, she wasn't willing to listen. It happened sometimes, people that came by expecting a solution presented on a gilded platter. Others just wanted their own thoughts echoed back.

"I won't try and convince you otherwise. I know what happened, and I know what it took me to get over it. I won't judge you for not wanting to listen to my advice, but I will ask you to leave." Oddfrid hadn't expected me to respond like this. She looked a little taken aback.

"I thought you'd want to defend yourself..."

"I offer to lend my ear and talk to you about it as an equal. If you do not trust me to speak the truth, little of what I say will matter to you. I hope you find a way to deal with this that works for you." The first few times I had been told they didn't believe me I had felt insecure and fumbled through it, but after all these years I knew not to take it personally. It had made me stronger, being able to think of it as their choice to believe me or not. Sometimes it had made people believe me, but in this case Oddfrid chose to leave.

"She was so excited when we were waiting outside," Ragnvi breathed. I put a hand on hers, comforting her.

"Some women just aren't ready to speak of it, or aren't willing to listen. I just hope she will find some way to deal with her pain. There is still a lot of hurt inside of her." Ragnvi had to think about that.

"How come you're so wise?"

"I've had a lot of help, and many wise men and women to talk to. I'm only repeating most of what they told me, and I know how much it can mean to someone to hear that I see them, and acknowledge their pain. I can see a lot of hurt inside of you, as well. I recognize a lot, and I can imagine how conflicted you must be." My eyes lingered on her belly, where a protective hand rested.

"I - my family means to have me marry my rapist." I went blind with rage for a few seconds. This wasn't bloodlust, this...

"They what?"

"I need to come to terms with it. I don't want to get raped again. I need to learn how to love him."

"You don't have to marry him if you don't want to. You have a choice."

"If I don't accept the offer my family will cast me out." My fingers itched at the mere idea. It wasn't her fault she got raped, and then to get pregnant from it...

"Who is your earl?"

"It doesn't matter. I don't want to anger anyone." I wanted to smack some sense into her. She was talking of trading her life for the comfort of others, no one was worth that little.

"I understand you might not want to anger anyone, or get cast out, but you do have a choice. If you go to your earl and tell him your story, you will be compensated."

"My family will be compensated," she clarified. She was from Sweden, not Norway. "I will be cast out regardless."

"There is another way. You don't have to -"

"I won't kill my child!" Ragnvi stood up, looking abhorred at the mere suggestion.

"That's not what I meant, you don't have to. You can choose to leave. You are a free woman," I reminded her. She let out a snort, looking around for anything that could help her. I waited for her to calm down a bit, to get used to the idea nestling in her brain. The woman chugged her cup of ale. I filled it up for her, keeping silent.

"Where would I even go?" she asked.

"Hedeby," I said without skipping a beat. "Lagertha will not turn you down, and I am certain she will help you once she hears your story."

"And what will Lagertha do for me? I've heard of this Earl Ingstad, she doesn't take too kindly to men. How could I hope to find a husband there?"

"She can help you get on your feet. You can take some time to figure out what you could do to support yourself, and get help with the baby after it's born." This wouldn't be the first woman to come to Lagertha for help. Torvi had been first, but many had followed after they heard about how she earned a living as a shield maiden and confidante. In exchange, Lagertha's group of fiercely loyal women grew, most of them trained in combat by her personally.

"I can't leave my family..." Ragnvi was close to tears.

"Why not? They don't care for you enough to consider your needs and wants. Why would you bother keeping their reputation safe? You are a free woman. You have a choice. There's always a choice."

"Even if I wanted to, I don't even know where to start."

"You made the first step already, by telling someone who can help you. Think on it. If you want to, I'll come with when you speak to Lagertha."

"But there's not enough time..."

"Ragnvi. Do you want to marry the man who raped you?"

"No," she admitted in a broken whisper.

"Then what is the harm in simply asking Lagertha a few questions? You don't have to decide right away, and I am not trying to force you to. I just want you to realize there are options, and that you are not alone. There is a place for you in this world, and you get to decide whether that is in Sweden or Denmark. Or Norway even, if you'd rather come to Kattegat. Or anywhere else." Despite her tears she looked stronger now. Something had taken root in her heart, a will of her own. I knew that look. Siggy had it as well, whenever someone told her she should be working on her weaving, not try and pick a fight with boys. Ragnvi wanted to control her own fate.

"Will you come with me then? I mean to visit Lagertha."

"Of course I will. Let's go," I said as I got up.

"What, now?" Already her faith was crumbling.

"There's no time like the present."

"No, wait. You don't understand, my brother is waiting outside..."

"Then you are simply accompanying me while I run an errand. Will that satisfy his curiosity?"

"I... I don't know..." She was losing her faith again, fast. I sat down again, trying to get her to look at me.

"What is your brother's name?" She hesitated, there was something she hadn't told me. The hair, she hadn't just dressed up.

"Lars..."

"King Lars?" She nodded. This was becoming a hornet's nest, fast. No wonder she couldn't go to the earl, or the king. Her brother had already judged her case, outside of the Thing. We had Lawmakers for this exact reason, but Lars had taken matters in his own hand.

"He means for me to wed as soon as we get back."

"Stay here for a moment. I'll get him to agree, we can take a walk together." I got up and went for the door. Lars was waiting outside, arms crossed as he leered at me.

I had to blink a few times. Lars was simply gorgeous, in a way I had never seen a man here. His cheekbones were perfect, as were his eyes. In the future, he would have been a model. Even his lips were perfect, not too puffy or thin, looking as if he would be a great kisser. I had no trouble imagining his naked body next to mine.

"King Lars! What a pleasant surprise, I was just wondering where you were." He raised an eyebrow as he drew near. I sat down on one of the benches outside and gestured for him to join me. I couldn't believe how much his looks affected me, this was so weird. He almost made me forget about my plan.

"How goes it with my sister? Has she accepted her fate?"

"I wanted to talk about you, actually. There are more important things than the feelings of women." He didn't know what to make of me. The word feminist hadn't been invented yet, but everyone knew I was a fierce proponent of women being every bit as equal as men. "I know Harald is after your lands."

"You seem well informed," he said as he stroked his chin. There used to be a beard there up until recently, judging by the motions of his fingers.

"It's not a secret, and you know that. What can this man who raped your sister offer you in terms of defense?"

"Excuse me?"

"You must have a reason for her to marry him."

"That's none of your business."

"It is when I might be able to provide you with a better match. It's in my own interest to thwart Harald, you know of his ambition as well as me." Lars showed a tiny smile, realizing I wasn't making some lucky guesses. I meant business.

"He offers ties to a possible new ally. A hundred men." I scoffed at that. It was a vague promise at best, if it was a sealed deal Lars wouldn't be this hesitant.

"I happen to have been called on by a man with twice that number of men, who is looking for a fertile bride. He's had no luck with the ladies, and his wife has difficulty conceiving." Lars looked at me warily, but was listening intently.

"Then what do you suggest?" Like he didn't know yet.

"Let me take your sister to see that man. Just from a distance, to see if he catches her eye. It would be beneficial to all of us, should it succeed."

"I suppose there is no harm in having her look at him..."

"I'll take her right away. There's only a few days to work everything out should it succeed." Lars nodded. As I got up he did as well, and took his leave.

The woman was already waiting by the door, straining to hear how it had gone over.

"What did he say? Why was het smiling? Did he agree?" I put my hands on her arms.

"He agreed, he thinks you're going with me to see if a certain eligible candidate catches your eye." Her face turned ashen.

"He'll follow us. He will figure it out. Ragnhild, you can't let me get seen with Lagertha."

"Everything will be fine. I'll drop you off at Lagertha's camp while I drag out your new candidate. You can speak in private while I keep him occupied, it will be fine. Lagertha knows what to say and do should he come up to us." At least, I hoped so.

We set out after a last bracing cup of strong mead for Ragnvi, despite my misgivings about it with her being pregnant.

"Who will I need to be looking at? What does he look like?"

"Don't worry about it, there are plenty of people around that Lars doesn't know. Relax, you will be perfectly safe. Lars won't suspect a thing, we've done this before. You'll see, Lagertha knows what to do."

Lagertha was at her camp, much to my relief. She only had to see my face to know what kind of visit this was. Without a word she got a few servants to clear the room. After half a sentence she understood what I needed her to do, her eyes lingering on Ragnvi's belly.

"Why are you even helping me?" she asked. "Ragnhild is so convinced you'd help me, but why would you?" Lagertha put on an easy smile and brushed something off her sleeve.

"I have devoted my life to battle, where I slaughter many men, and the gods have not seen fit to bless me with a third child. I have chosen to help those who were blessed and make life flourish when I am not on the field of battle, to make sure that what I'm fighting for will be defended for centuries to come."

"But... I don't know how to fight... And my child, what if..."

"Not all strong women are meant to fight. We'll need bakers, tanners, fishermen... Hedeby has turned into a town where women are truly equal, and I am more than happy to help you get to your feet. You are under no obligation to stay if you wish to leave, though all the help we can get is appreciated."

They were hitting it off nicely. I didn't doubt that I would one day see them conferring about some important business, both knew what it was to bear a great responsibility.

"I'll go fetch your candidate, in case your brother shows up here."

"Neutral ground," Lagertha said to calm her down. "We've gone through this plan more than once, and never has it ever backfired on the one asking for our help."

"You're not alone," I confirmed. "Everything will work out, Ragnvi. We're here for you, as long as you want our help." As she showed me a thin smile I turned around, off to find an unsuspecting man to pull with me. I could take my time, Lagertha would need some time to convince Ragnvi that she could really just pack up and leave.

On my way to the temple I made sure to take my time, knowing Lars would not like to be kept waiting. None of the kings and earls ever did, save for Sigfrid. He made me wonder if there was some benefit to having your opponents rip off their own ears to make his chattering stop. Leaders were barely patient, in fact, I knew only two. One was my husband, the other was sailing with him to Scotland. I'd be helping Harald by losing Lars an ally, but it couldn't be helped. Part of playing the game was being aware of the consquences for the people you ruled over.

The ulfhednar was walking ahead of me, running into him a third time seemed to be too much of a coincidence. This time, I would interrupt him. He looked to be going somewhere, but I had never seen a berserker going somewhere in a hurry. They were always right on time, as the gods intended them to be.

"Berserker!" I called out. He took two more steps, then glanced around. All kinds of faces stared at him, forcing him to turn around.

"Vessel?" He reached out to my arm and pulled me off to the side, away from prying eyes. His eyes scanned my face, as if to find something there. "What is wrong?"

"I only meant to say hello. Are you in a hurry?"

"That depends... How did you manage to sneak up to me?" I scoffed, hardly having sneaked up to him. "Is there something you need to talk about?"

"Well, I was on my way to the temple to finally have a question of mine answered. Seeing as you are a berserker, you might just be able to help me. I received a gift a few years ago, and now I wonder why the gods want me to have it. It's..." I glanced around, not feeling comfortable showing it in public.

"You know how to intrigue me," he said as I pulled him farther away from the path.

"It's not a gift many know about."

"The gods give lots of gifts. What makes you uncertain what its for, after all these years?" I leaned into a tree and reached into my bag, glancing around again as I held it in my hand.

"Because this one is visible, and visibly not from Midgard."

"And you mean to tell me you forgot about it? How can that be?"

"Life happened. I have no idea what it is for, or why the gods think I should have it. It was given to me by someone I trust." I finally showed him the feather.

He didn't touch it, or look at it for long.

"A feather? That's it?" I held it up, waiting for a breeze to pass us by. The soft afterfeathers didn't move, at all, while my hair did.

"It's done this ever since I got it. I hid it away and recently found it again. How can a feather stay this perfect after that amount of time? My son found it and crushed it in his fist, yet the vane didn't break."

"And you brought it here?"

"I want to know why the gods want me to have this. Is it from Asgard? Is it protecting me somehow?" I tried to hand it over, but the ulfhednar took a step back.

"That is not for me to have, or to hold. If it was given to you by the gods, it is yours by right." But the Seer wasn't a god. What did he mean? Did he even know what he was talking about? "It seems I'm able to help you, after all. Keep the feather close, never hand it to anyone. Keep it in your house, and you will never have to worry about evil spirits again. It's one of the rarest protections of all, and given by either a good friend or a horrible enemy."

"Then what does it do?"

"It protects you against the gods." I glanced down at the feather, not seeing how that made sense, or how such a protection would be useful. I wanted the gods to interfere, I wanted them to help me get my life back on track.

"Then I have no need for it," I said determined. "I want the gods to be in my life, and I -"

"You misunderstand, vessel. The gods will still hear you speak, and be able to help you... But only if you seek them out." Now I was even more confused.

"That doesn't even make sense. Am I not here, is this not Uppsala?" He chuckled, then put his hands on my shoulders.

"Keep the feather. It is tied to your destiny, and someone is giving you time to be with your family. Whether on purpose or accidental, it is a gift all the same." A sense of foreboding crept towards my heart.

"I lost a child, three years back..." I had been sure it was because of the gods...

"No god had anything to do with it. The feather keeps the gods from inflicting harm on you, no matter their intentions. If you lost a child, it was simply not meant to be." That couldn't be right.

"I refuse to believe that. If what you say is true..." Aslaug, she... She'd been right? I wouldn't have been able to do a thing?

"Then you have blamed the gods falsely?" He moved closer, lifting a hand, but refraining from touching me.

He had been telling me the truth, when he told me he wasn't an ulfhednar in training. And he wasn't just any ulfhednar, at that. He was the first, he would be the last, and he was very much aware of what was unfolding in my mind.

Váli, son of Odin, the one to exact revenge for Baldur's death. The one to capture Loki, tore apart one of his sons to bind him to a rock with the intestines, leaving Loki to suffer as poison dripped into his eyes. Ragnar had punished Floki like that, practically calling Athelstan his Baldur.

Váli, one of the four who would survive Ragnarök, the first berserker. The god who was born and fully grown in a day, who tore apart his mother at birth. The ultimate avenger, as close to a being of vengeance as could be.

Váli, walking amongst the mortals, who I had ran into for the third time. He watched me as I started to struggle with the knowledge, then I watched his smile fade as I exhaled slowly, stood up straight, deciding not to struggle with this at all. I had known he wasn't mortal when I ran into him earlier, learning his name shouldn't matter.

"What about the people I killed? I disobeyed the laws of men and god alike." He put his hands on the side of my face and kissed me on my forehead.

"You are blessed by the gods, is that not enough to hold on to?" I closed my eyes, almost crying at his gentle touch. "Revenge for the right reasons is not against my laws. We're alike, where that's concerned. Had you been born in my world, we would have been equals." I frowned, not knowing what to make of his words. I didn't know if I could believe him. He was a god, and I... I was broken, healing stunted based on who needed things from me when, with a dark pit in the middle where my heart once was.

"How could I ever hope to be more than mortal?" I opened my eyes, seeing him look down at me, worried.

"You don't recall? I was certain..." His eyes shot to my bag. "Keep it safe. The feather. It used to belong to your brother, and now it keeps you safe from his ilk. I see now. It's meant to keep you out of the silent wars we wage, rom both sides. We were not meant to meet, not yet."

"What are you talking about? What do you know of my brother? Aren't we meant to walk amongst the gods here?" As I blinked, a tear fell down from my lashes. Váli tried to catch it, but it fell to the ground. I looked down at his hand, still locked in a grasping motion.

"The gods do things for mysterious reasons... But never will we blame mortals for what we cause. Ragnhild..." His lingering fingers brushed over my cheek. "I need something of yours, if I'm to keep an eye on you despite that feather. Consider it a sacrifice." He leaned in closer, his lips hovering in front of mine.

"Don't let me lose my children," I whispered. I wanted to tell him to keep Bjorn at my side as well, but before I could articulate the words, his lips were on my cheek. He needed a tear? The Seer was alike, my spit was a sacrifice. Now I knew what it was for. He needed it to see my future, just like Váli needed a tear to keep me safe.

As soon as I opened my eyes he was gone, as if he had vanished into thin air. I had felt his fingers touching my skin just a second ago. I spun around, seeing nothing but the beaten path I had left to stand amongst the trees...

But what for? What had I been doing here? And why were my eyes feeling like I'd been crying?

I took a few steadying breaths, then went on to the temple. Had I just stood there for a while? Why would I do that?

The temple was almost deserted. Since everyone had prayed to the gods at arrival, no one batted an eye when I returned to Odin. And with no one listening, I could speak freely.

"I'm confused," I sighed as I sat down on the stepping stone closest to him. "The Seer told me to hold onto this feather, because it was a gift from the gods. He told me you wanted me to have it. But why? I got it after I went against the gods, and then you give me a gift?"

He didn't move, or respond, or do anything but stand there.

"You're right, this isn't about the feather. I need to know... I'm terrified. What if I was right and Bjorn will choose a second wife, after all? I can't lose him, I'm not strong enough... I shouldn't even be asking you, but if anyone knows it's you." I rested my hand against Odin's leg, then rested my head against him as well. The tears my eyes bore on the way over came out without a problem now.

"Tell me it isn't so... Tell me he's not that cruel, that he'll stay mine, and mine alone. I beg of you, don't make me want to leave him. Let him see reason, let him love me, let him... Let me have the strength to go on, and to tell him of my... How did that even... I'm so confused." I didn't even know what I wanted to ask anymore. My head was spinning, and I didn't complain when someone helped me up, carried me over the stepping stones as I was unable to get to my feet.

"Shh, it's okay." My eyes shot up as I heard his voice. It was Bjorn.

"Bjorn, I..." I wiped away my tears, but it did little to convince him. "I mean, I was just..."

"You don't have to explain." With a sigh I let him carry me off to a secluded corner, where he put me down. He kissed away what remained of my tears, then he pressed his lips against mine.

I jerked back as I tasted the saltiness of my own tears, causing Bjorn to worry. Something had happened, but I didn't know what.

"Ragnhild? I thought you were overwhelmed, did something else happen?"

"Yes, both. I don't..." I looked up, seeing how worried he was. He loved me, he didn't want to hurt me. "I'm still overwhelmed. There was this... I met someone, but I can't remember. At least, I think I did. I don't know. I'm scared... Just hold me, please." I wrapped my arms around him, my fingers digging to my back.

Bjorn sighed as he put one arm on my back and used his other to stroke through my hair.

"You know, this reminds me of how you acted that winter when I taught you all about the gods. I remember how you hid under the furs, and you told me you were hiding from the gods."

"I can't hide from them here... I'm scared, I don't know what's going on. I asked Odin for a sign, about my destiny, but this... They want something from me, and I don't know what. I can't do this without you, Bjorn. I need you." I buried my face deeper in his chest.

"You're not hiding under the furs anymore. You're stronger than you know." In his eyes, perhaps... I was too afraid to ask him about the rumors, to tell him about my periods coming back, I couldn't explain how I felt. "I knew being here would be hard for you. Every time you learn something about the gods, or about your destiny, you take a step back again, only to take three steps forward once you calm down. Whatever it is that they want you to do, you will be ready when it comes."

"What made you come here, anyway?" I asked, slowly letting go of him. "I thought you had some big meeting."

"I did, but it got pushed to tomorrow. Tonight's the equinox, didn't you hear? We'll have to lead the celebrations." I scoffed, of course that was to be led by us. They would have me running around naked and bloody every chance they got, if I let them. "I'll need you there, Ragnhild. I can't very well explain how you don't want to and stand there by myself, you're a part of this. It's part of being my wife."

Ice slid down my spine. If I refused, I would practically force him to find a woman better suited to fulfill the official business.

"Hvitserk mentioned it... But I have to run an errand before then, it's getting late. I'll be there, on time, I promise." I still had Ragnvi waiting for me, and I'd taken longer than I thought.

"Make sure you do, otherwise Aslaug will no doubt be wanting to fill in. I'd much rather have a beautiful woman by my side, even if she's a bit scared of the gods." He said it with a smile, and it made me blush a little. If I had to get ready as well, it would be a tight fit even without having to help Ragnvi first.

"I have to go. Thanks for the warning."

"Wait, before you go... I feel like I barely saw you this week. How about we spend a day together tomorrow? I'll move that meeting up, so we'll have the day together." I smiled, liking the idea. It would be good, to have him to myself for once. It could only serve to strengthen our bond again.

"I'd love to. I'll see you in a bit." I gave him a quick kiss and ran off, not wanting to waste a second. The gods wouldn't wait for me, and I still had a life to save.

On my way back I kept my eyes out for an eligible suitor. I had taken longer than I thought to get up to the temple and back; I must have been sobbing at Odin's feet for longer than I thought. Still, I didn't want to rush this. The gods would forgive me for saving a woman's life, that much I knew.

I'd need to pick someone who wasn't handsome, per se. An older, wizened type, but not too old. He needed to command a natural respect, but not be known as such. If Lars knew the man it would all be for naught. I had to be careful, pick someone from Norway or Denmark...

It was impossible to know for sure. I had to trust the gods, that this was what they wanted for Ragnvi. Blind faith, I realized. It was time to see how beautiful it could truly be, to experience it for myself. This close to Lagertha's camp, I had to make do.

The third man that walked past me got an arm hooked in his, then I spun him out of the beaten path and took in his face. He was not what I expected, at all.

His eyes were beady, his skin puffy and red. He'd been drinking heavily, he was still overcoming his hangover. Not who I would pick, at all.

"Excuse me, would you mind if I talked to you for a bit?" I asked.

"Why would you? I mean... You're the Vessel..." Curious. He wasn't as much nervous or flabbergasted as he was wary. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I am. There's only one way to find out, or is now a bad time for you?"

"I have some time..." He burped, then took a deep breath. In my mind we were both uncertain of what would follow next.

"Then walk with me, please." I still had to get back to Lagertha's camp to fool Lars should he be looking in, and then get changed for the ceremony.

We turned back the way he had come, walking next to each other in silence as most people made their way up the hill already, carrying sacrifices with them. I'd need to figure something out as well, and fast. I could've sworn I would have more time.

"Tell me, what is your name? Where are you from?"

"Sjovald, my lady. I'm from an island off the coast of Denmark." Wasn't that convenient...

"Please, no formalities. I'm here to enjoy myself, too."

"Yes, I heard - err, I mean, my lady, I..." He looked like he wanted to curse himself to Helheim for misspeaking.

"Everyone heard, I'm aware. Did you know this is my first festival? I have had some wonderful experiences so far, not just on the third day."

"Likewise... I'm sorry, I'm confused. And slightly drunk. Probably more than slightly. What is it you want to know?" We had almost reached Lagertha's camp, much to my relief.

"What do you plan to sacrifice to the gods today? For the new year?"

His eyes went wide. I felt like it was something I'd said.

"Tonight? The equinox..." As he glanced around he saw something was going on.

"The priests came by this morning. Haven't you heard?" The man was flabbergasted to hear he had almost missed one of the most sacred rituals of the year. Intensely staring at the ground he kept walkin, lost in thought. "Are you alright? Sjovald?"

"I owe you my gratitude, Ragnhild. I was unaware of this, thank you." Shit. He needed to at least stay in sight of Ragnvi for a little while. I needed to stall, and quick.

"Tell me a little about your family," I said with an easy smile.

"Oh, it's... I'm not sure what to say. I am the only of my siblings that survived, since the winter. I lost my wife in clindbirth last summer."

I almost didn't dare to ask.

"Your parents?"

He shook his head.

"I have no blood left, I could have some cousin running around here but we wouldn't recognize each other."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said as I stood still, seeing Lagertha from the corner of my eye. Ragnvi was beside her, but I couldn't see how she was feeling. "I hope you will be surrounded by loved ones again."

"That's kind of you to say. I have to... I brought something to sacrifice, I have to go get it," he said as he turned his eyes towards the sun. The ceremony would commence soon, and my job here was done.

"It was lovely meeting you, Sjovald. May the gods look down at you and smile." I left with a slight head nod, then glanced over my shoulder to see Ragnvi being brought inside by Lagertha. Either she would return to her brother's camp now, or stay with Lagertha from that point forward. I'd find out what she had decided on sooner or later.

Back in the longhouse, Aslaug was dressed up like a gruesome doll. Her face was barely recognizable with the paste that was plastered on her face, and red paint hiding her eyes in the form of a butterfly.

"You're late," she said. "What took you? You'll have to take up Ivar, he needs a good spot to see from."

"I'm not here as a babysitter, Aslaug. You know I'm his wife."

"Then you should have honored that position by showing up on time. What do you even hope to sacrifice to make yourself eligible to stand by Bjorn's side today?" I ignored her, getting to the back instead. "Ragnhild! You can't be serious, you'll make a mockery of this! You have no experience, you can't hope to guide the rituals!"

"Let Ubbe take care of Ivar, if you don't want him to miss a thing. I'll be ready in time, and I'll do fine. The gods chose Bjorn to officiate, and he chose me as his wife." I tore out of the dress I was wearing, pulling on the one I had meant to save for the last day. I would have to get another dress for that occasion, I couldn't show up to the sacrifices in a dress that was already bloodied.

"Ragnhild. Think on this, you have no place standing by Bjorn's side. He needs someone who knows the gods better than you. You do what you can, which is commendable, but for some things you have to be born Viking." I turned around, furious at her. She had no right to judge me, ever.

"You're jealous. Get out, before I'll hurt you." I pulled the dress over my head, yanked my hair free and started brushing it at the speed of light.

"You'll ruin us all," Aslaugh sighed. "Why won't you accept my help? Why do you assume the worst, whatever it is I do?" Without a word I put down the brush and pulled my skirts up to my thigh. I stared at her, wanting to see how she started to feel uncomfortable. I needed to see that tinge of regret in her eyes that made me think she was sorry, that she deserved to live for just a while longer. Otherwise I would grab one of Ivar's knives and not make it out of Uppsala alive.

I picked up the brush when she turned away, lowering her hood. If I would stand next to Bjorn she couldn't be seen like that, all dressed up as if she was to perform the sacrifices. The bloodlust died down as I thought of her dying as a sacrifice tonight.

I kept my hair loose, letting it flow down, just like the off-white dress I wore. I looked almost innocent, and it was exactly that I was hoping to sacrifice today. The last part of my innocence, and finally immerse myself into the Viking life completely. I would sacrifice an animal, and I would come back drenched in blood.

I didn't want to get to the top of the hill covered in sweat, nor did I want my hair to tangle. I slowly made my way up, guided by the twins at my side. They had been ready before I had, at least Aslaug had told them to get ready in time. They had plenty of clean clothes for the whole journey, as I had known they would be hard-pressed to keep their clothes clean to begin with.

Bjorn was waiting impatiently as I made my way to the top, fighting through the crowd with the twins tailing behind me. I called out, but he didn't see me yet. Only when Siggy managed to run ahead through the legs, bypassing Ivar and Ubbe, did he look our way. I smiled as I pressed on, eager to be beside him.

Floki jerked me back, looking at me with wary eyes. He looked me over, then put his finger to my forehead. From his lips came a soft gasp.

"I don't have time for this now, we'll talk later. Keep an eye on the twins for me, please." Helga lowered Floki's arm, pulling his attention away from me. I rushed past the crowd, joining Bjorn by his side.

"You said you'd be on time, where were you?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be this crowded. It took longer than I thought to get back here with the twins."

"At least you're here... But I have to ask, just what are you planning on sacrificing looking like that?" His fingers ran down my hair, combing through it.

"You'll love it."

"Honey, you don't mean to cut it, right? You know - " One of the ulfhednar cleared his throat, looking none too pleased. Bjorn fell into his calm, his face looking menacing now the worry only lingered in his eyes. His face was painted with a butterfly-like pattern as well, a sign of summer, and bounty. My face was empty, and I knew I was getting more than a few stares.

Bjorn and I stood opposite of each other, looking into each other's eyes. I'd seen this happen before, I knew what was expected, and Bjorn would guide me through the rest. I just hadn't prepared for the intensity of locking eyes with him for this long.

I couldn't look away, or fade out. I had to pay attention to any cues he could give, but the worry lining his eyes distracted me. He was more alert than usual. I saw it in the angle of his eyebrows, the way his nostrils were a bit wider than usual. But as I calmed down, so did he.

Our hands touched as well, palms touching with our fingers closed. I ignored the urge to slide my fingers between his. This wasn't about love, but about balance. The old year ended, and the new one began. The man and the woman, the day and the night. And in our case, the tall and the short, the broad and the lean, and the past and the future.

His left thumb pressed into mine, then our hands parted, the both of us turning towards the crowd as his right hand kept on touching my left. Together we walked towards the fire, our strides almost the same length, without looking. We were balanced, in everything. He knew my legs were far shorter, and I knew how badly he underestimated the difference. I turned away to take a bowl of blood in my hand, and as I turned back, our hands still touching, he turned back with the small bundle of fir twigs at the same time.

Bjorn sprinkled the fire first, then the ulfhednar, and then me. Only then did our hands part, as if everything up until then had been a dance we had gone through countless times, where we could dream the steps.

Drums sounded in the distance, only once. They scared me, almost making me spill the blood inside of the bowl. The ulfhednar behind me started to murmur, but fell silent as Bjorn started speaking. Aslaug had seen as well, she kept her eyes on me all the while.

"Another year has passed, and as we walk here amongst the gods, and the gods walk amongst us, it is time for us to sacrifice what we will no longer need in the coming year." And of course, the best leaders led by example. Bjorn held out a hand, bringing forth an impressive horse. It was huge, even for my standards. The horses here were smaller, hardly ever rising above my shoulders where their shoulders were concerned, but this one made it halfway to my head. Its coat was a burned red, with blue eyes. It was a hauntingly beautiful sight.

The horse was decapitated before I was ready. Bjorn kept quite a tempo with these kinds of things, I'd almost forget. He wasn't too fond of overly long rituals. The blood ran down the hill, soaking up the last of the rays of sunlight, making its way to my feet. I stepped over it, putting my hand on Bjorn's.

His eyes flitted over immediately. I wasn't supposed to interfere, or move from my position, or touch him during this part. The crowd started murmuring, the ulfhednar started to murmur, and Floki's giggle was barely audible.

"I need your help to sacrifice my part," I said, trying to keep my voice strong. "Hand me the sword."

A maelstrom of emotions whirled through his being. He tried to figure out what I was planning on doing, discarding his ideas as fast as they popped up.

"Ragnhild," Aslaug hissed. Bjorn handed me the sword as her voice interrupted our moment, and stepped back.

"Not all we sacrifice can be seen by the gods," I spoke, loud enough for my voice to carry. I saw the boys staring at me, and the twins were trying to get their attention to see what it was all about. Helga and Floki stared at me in wonder, while Aslaug's mouth was agape. "Nor should we save the remnants of the past for too long." I turned to Bjorn, then let my eyes wander to the animals still waiting for someone to slaughter them.

I could see he started breathing harder. His eyes were smiling, while his face remained still, and I knew how proud he was of me. He understood now, why I'd chosen this dress, and the hair, and why I'd interfered. If I had let him slaughter more, if not all the animals, I would have seemed indecisive. Had I started, I'd have broken with tradition. I hadn't had time to have an animal prepared for me, and this was the only way to sacrifice my innocence without either of us losing face. Bjorn made eye contact with the next ulfhednar in line, who led the next animal forward.

The gods were truly testing me. It was a goat, a strong buck that had no desire to die just yet. His fur was flecked with white and black, but mostly he was brown, like Happy was. As it bucked in front of me, I hid the sword from its eyes, careful not to have it touch the ground.

"Hey there, beautiful. You have no idea how lucky you are... You will be my gift to the gods, and with it I ask the gods to protect those I love. Bring them my innocence, what I have refused to relinquish to them yet." The goat refused to stand still, even my soft prattling didn't calm it down. It smelled blood, and it knew death was waiting.

I knew it had to be spectacular. I couldn't get away with barely a speck of blood on me, I needed to be drenched. I pulled the goat close, as if it were too hard to look the animal in the eye. It kept the goat from thrashing around too badly, even though he got a few good kicks in. As I brought the knife closer, the world around me stopped turning. Time slowed down, I felt my heart pounding in my chest, steady as the rhythm of the drums on a ship. The beat echoed in my ears.

Bjorn looked down, nodding once, barely visible. I might as well have been looking up at Ragnar. I took in a deep breath, and as I exhaled I felt the pressure of flesh against the sword, followed by bleating in my ear and warm blood soaking my dress. I kept seated, despite my urge to run off and bathe, pressing the goat close to get as much blood as I could on me.

He took back the sword first, then helped me to my feet. I felt the blood cling to my skin, having soaked through the dress. For only a second he gazed deep into my eyes, but it was enough to convey how proud he was of me, how much he loved me, and how badly he wanted to carry me off somewhere private.

Instead, he remembered his duties and went on with the long line of animals still waiting. For a moment I was mesmerized, swept away in the moment, taken by the sight of my Viking. He got to spill more blood...

A soft touch of my shoulder pulled me away, drawing my attention away from the cow that mooed for the last time. One of the ulfhednar stood in front of me, wanting to bless me anew.

He looked vaguely familiar, but as Aslaug had, he wore a thick, pasty make-up and had it painted in red and black. Only when I saw the fingers dip into the blood of the bowl did I realize it was a woman.

There were no female ulfhednar. And yet, all of them stood by as she pulled her fingers through the blood, then looked up at me. Those eyes... I was certain she was Freyja. It had to be.

I gasped as she put a finger on my lips and drew it down in a straight line. Her finger dipped into the blood again. It might as well have been paint, for all I knew, and for all I could see in the fading light. This time, her finger closed in on my eye. Putting it on the outer corner, she drew it back, as if she was giving my eye a wing. She added three dots above my nose, in a straight line. They felt warm against my forehead, and didn't even drip.

At her signal I turned back, keeping my eyes on Bjorn as he went through the slew of animals he had no doubt bought from the priests. It was their own surplus after nine years of growing their livestock, to provide for those who would linger after the festival. It had no doubt cost us, enough to maintain the temple and the nearby houses for the forseeable future. Bjorn went through the animals at a steady pace, keeping his mind on the task at hand. The crowd watched as they chanted, asking the gods to bestow their blessing on all those gathered.

I knew the lines, but it felt wrong to chant along. The ulfhednar behind me kept silent, and Bjorn was still as well. I gazed up as a soft breeze passed through my dress, seeing the twins were getting the hang of the words that were sung. Siggy pulled at her brother's arm when she saw me looking, and I nodded ever so slightly towards them. They were the future, and it was for them that I had sacrificed my innocence. They loved their father, and I wouldn't let them stop loving him, ever. All of us needed him, we all depended on him.

He handed back the sword, looking bloody and satisfied. He'd done well, he had every right to look smug.

"Brothers! Sisters!" He pulled everyone from their thoughts with his loud voice. His hands found my hips as he stood behind me, "A new year is about to commence! May it be a year of bountiful harvest, and strong enemies!" The crowd cheered at his well wishes, then gathered to perform their own sacrifices.

"You did amazing," I said as I pulled his hands up to my stomach, wrapping myself up in his arms.

"I'm not nearly as bloody as you are..." His head rested next to mine, I loved leaning into him like this. He kept me safe, from anything. "You should have seen Aslaug's face when she realized what you would do. I was sure she would keel over."

"I can barely believe it myself. I thought I'd feel..." I felt his body chuckle against mine.

"Like a monster?"

"Like I should be heartbroken. That little fucker hit me hard." I wanted to stand here with him for a bit longer, but the twins were already running up to us.

"Do you need me to take a look?"

"Mom! Dad!" Just a few more seconds...

"You just want to see me naked," I said as I turned around. I kissed him, ignoring the incessant chattering of the twins for a moment. They had to learn I had a life beyond them, now they were getting older I'd be able to pick up some new hobbies.

"What did you sacrifice! Mom! Stop kissing, I want to know!"

"Me, too! Mom! Floki wouldn't say!" I groaned as our kiss ended, the pulling on my dress was getting annoying.

"Dad! Come on, we want to know!"

"And we want to wish each other a good new year, but we can't do that when you interrupt us like this," Bjorn said. "You two aren't the only ones who love being around your mother."

"Yeah, like we don't know that. Come on, tell us!" I glanced at Bjorn, wondering if the twins felt I was neglecting them over my work. Whenever someone interrupted us when I tried to teach them math I always told them to come back later, and I tried to keep it out of their lives as much as I could. For some things they had to go outside, but it wasn't that bad, right? Bjorn didn't seem to share my worries, at all. He was off all day most of the days, so maybe he didn't know.

"I never sacrificed an animal before," I said as Thormund pulled on my dress again. "That goat was the first."

"I don't get it," Siggy muttered. "Is that why Floki was that excited? He said you finally found a way home." Bjorn was at least as surprised as me.

"Floki has been drinking too much ale, and he ate too many mushrooms. You know he can get overwhelmed when the gods are near." I felt the need to pick up Thormund, but he'd complain about it the moment I lifted him up. He wasn't a baby anymore... Bjorn wrapped an arm around me as we made to join the others, but people came up to us to wish us well in the year to come. The twins rolled their eyes, they hated having to share us this much.

"You two go ahead," Bjorn said as he noticed. "This will take a while." As I glanced past the group, I saw there was a line forming. Great, just great. At least the twins were able to get out from under it.


	8. Day 8

Bjorn and I had been growing closer with each passing day, but only now did I realize how safe I felt in his presence. This day to ourselves was amazing, and it made me feel like we were years back, with not a care in the world, back when just being together was enough. For a moment I could imagine us being truly, deeply, madly happy again.

"It's been a while, since we just sat around like this." I wiggled my toes between the grass, taking in a deep breath as I stretched out, then turned to face him. I lifted my head enough to keep my ear from folding over on his stomach, then snuggled back in. He touched my hand with his fingers, both of us enjoying this simple contact. Not everything had been fixed, but we had found each other again. It was enough, Bjorn was enough. I felt my love for him so strongly it made me smile. 

"For once we're not busy ruling a kingdom. Although I do have to get back soon." Bjorn sounded sad. His hand gently went through my hair as I looked up to see where his sadness was coming from. He was done with all the obligatory meetings now, there was just the one he had to move back so we could spend the day today. 

"Do the priests want you to practice sacrificing or something?" He had shown how perfectly he could sacrifice animals only yesterday. 

"I wish," he sighed as his eyes shot up to the canopy above us. "That would be a less bothersome. Aslaug wanted to talk, but she was being very secretive." I moved my head around, trying to find a better spot to rest it on. "Why do you hate her so? It's not like you to hold a grudge for this long." 

"Not unless someone deserves it," I muttered as I turned to my other side, facing Bjorn's feet. His fingers touched my arm, begged me to talk of what was bothering me. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting this to turn into a fight again. "She still hasn't told me where she buried him. I just... I need to say goodbye." To my surprise Bjorn pulled me close and leaned in for a kiss on my shoulder. 

"You're right. I'll take you." 

I let all the air escape my lungs. This couldn't be. 

Kol. Finally I'd see where he had been all these years. A strange ache fell over me. No, not an ache... It wasn't pain, either. More of a silent longing. Something I thought impossible, and now... 

Bjorn and I had mostly ignored the subject. It was something we skirted around, knowing how badly it hurt to talk about. Even that had changed over the course of this week. Maybe, just maybe... The gods were here, they had brought us this far. Was it too much to think that we... 

"Bjorn?" My heart was racing. I needed to talk about this with someone, before I lost my mind or succumbed to the blood lust. I was still amazed I hadn't reacted to the blood yesterday, I figured I would have had to fight it harder. But Bjorn had been there, he had calmed me with his touch. 

"What is it?" He noticed something was up. His voice was lined with worry. I sat up to face him, but it was too hard for me to look him in the eye. I settled for his chest. 

"I... There's something I think you should know. But I don't..." I took a deep breath, shaking my head to clear the cobwebs. "What do you remember of Ivar's trial?" He hadn't thought I'd want to talk about this, that much was clear. He all but jumped up, held my hands and pulled me close. 

"Do you know who killed the Lawgiver? Did you find out?" I blinked. I had wanted to talk about how Aslaug had sacrificed our son for Ivar, not of things better left on the road to Trondheim. After the worst of the snows had gone I had found his bones, and for lack of a better option I had buried him with Frida and Lofn. The gods had been with me that day, as he wasn't that far off from where I had kept them to be buried once the soil had been reachable. 

"No," I lied. "I want to talk about a conversation I had with him." Bjorn frowned, calming down as he sat back. 

"I just can't understand how the Lawgiver could have disappeared like that. Frida as well, apparently." How did he... Lagertha would never have mentioned it, perhaps Helga had told Floki. "She never made it to her sister's. Something must have happened on the road." 

"Then there must be some trace of her stuff somewhere," I suggested, knowing there wasn't. 

"We'd have heard of it by now. I just can't imagine where you'd hide a wooden cart loaded with chests. I mean, assuming she got killed, the body's easily disposed of in the woods, but a cart?" Given enough time... A freezing lake was great for tearing apart wood, as well. The stuff from the chests I had buried with the bodies. Those had mostly been eaten as well, the ground had been too hard to break until spring. 

"I'm sure that if something befell her the gods will have punished the one responsible," I said with a sigh. They had done nothing, if anything Lagertha had managed to flourish since she had killed Lofn. "And as for the Lawgiver, who knows? You know they travel around, he might just have decided to go to Trondheim for all we know." It was the settlement most north of all of Norway, on the west coast, and it was a dangerous road to be traveling. And his bones rested in a part of the forest I'd been avoiding for a few years now. 

"You're awfully relaxed about this. You do know just what bad of an omen this is to us, right? I've been waiting for the other boot to drop for years now." If it was a bad omen, I couldn't see how it would take this. Kattegat hadn't done that bad, either. It had become easier to navigate the seas, and as a result the trade had bloomed. As it grew difficult to keep up with the price of my network, we had convinced Aslaug to implement a system where the traders had to pay for the privilege to use the stalls provided on the new market square, and trading off a cart had become forbidden. Instead of spending my own money on information, I used that of the kingdom to waive away fees, and as it served the kingdom, Bjorn had been more than happy to get rid of our biggest personal expense. 

"Nothing will happen," I promised. "You spent years teaching me how to trust in the gods, are you really that surprised some of it stuck? Or should I now teach you to be more trusting?" 

"Nice try. You haven't even tried to make new friends since you had to kill your brother. If anything, you've learned to be content with less." 

"Has it not kept us safe? In a few years Ubbe will finally be an adult in my eyes, I'll have a new close friend when that happens. I can wait for that." 

"I just wish you wouldn't have had to close your heart like this." I glanced up, unsure of just what he meant with that. "I want you to be happy. And I know that's impossible for you now, but still. It's what I want for you." This wasn't his normal 'get over it’ or meant as an insult. He was genuinely concerned, trying to hide it as best he could. 

"I'm making do... The twins will be out more, so I guess I'll have more time on my hands when we get back." 

"You never lack for things to do. Lagertha told me what happened with king Lars yesterday." He seemed eager to change the subject, and I could understand why. This was as good a conversation as we had ever had about it without it ending in shouting or one of us walking away. 

"That's just an afternoon well spent," I said, basking in how cocky I felt about it. It was better than feeling bad about Kol, or uncertain about the topics we were discussing. 

Ragnvi had decided to stay in Lageertha's camp, protected by those who had needed protection once themselves. She'd made the right decision, getting away from her family. 

Bjorn leaned in for a kiss, but his lips didn't touch mine. His eyes held a smile, a cheeky one that meant the good kind of trouble would follow. 

"You keep on surprising me. Did you know Lars was trying to get more men out of it, and that Harald is thinking of going to war with him?" The beating of his heart underneath my hand warned me of what was to come. 

"Why else would he even contemplate letting his sister spy on a new prospect? Didn't you hear of this chieftain that had twice the men?" My lips closed in on his, but he wasn't done teasing me, not yet. 

"Oh, how could I forget... The one that needed an heir, right?" He knew the kinds of stories I used to get women out of horrible situations like these. It gave the family just enough to think it worth the hassle, without sounding too good to be true. 

"The very one," I breathed. 

"I'm sure they'll be very happy," he said, his voice falling to a whisper. Bjorn finally kissed me, awakening a fire within me. I wanted to go on for hours, have the kiss slowly turn into foreplay, then go in search of a quiet place. But he broke it off. "What did you want to talk about?" His voice was soft and caring, making it all the more painful for me to respond. 

"It's nothing that can't wait for a bit. I was kind of liking that kiss..." Bjorn cocked his eyebrow in response. 

"I said something that made you reconsider. You thought you saw an opening, and now you think it's gone." I let out a soft groan, hating how he was analyzing all I said and did. Especially since he was right. 

"I was wondering if you were still worried about the Lawgiver." I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let it drop. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation at all. 

"Why would you not trust me enough to tell me? What did he say?" 

"When he disappeared he made it clear to me we shouldn't worry about the gods," I snapped, anger raging inside of me all of a sudden. It was years of pent-up emotions, finally breaking free. I had been too close to stop talking about it now. "He threatened me, alright? And when I told Aslaug - " I stopped. I couldn't tell him about the trade she had made. He still had to work together with her. He had a kingdom to rule, and I had zero proof other than Helga and Lagertha to confirm the story. Both of them had reasons to keep quiet about it, though. But after all these years... Bjorn was looking very worried over what few things I had said. 

"What do you mean, he threatened you?" His voice was harsh, demanding. 

"Just that. He made sure those disgusting rumors about me and Erlendur got even worse. To hear him tell it, I was carrying his child, not yours. Maybe even Jozef's. Vinh had no trouble helping him with that. He would help dispel the rumors, in exchange for me talking to Aslaug about letting him sentence Ivar to death. So no, Bjorn, I am not worried over the Lawgiver and what has become of him!" He grabbed me by the shoulders and kissed me, taking me by surprise. 

"Bjorn..." He kept on kissing me, as if we were completely alone. We used to make out and fuck in the woods all the time, today was just like before. It was like coming home, smelling your own scent as you walked in the door. I had already forgotten about my rage, he drained it away. He kept me sane. 

His hands gently guided me down to the grass, making me worry about people walking by. Only when I pushed at his shoulder did he stop. 

"We're not alone," I stressed. His eyes told me he didn't care. He wanted to fuck me, not matter who was around. This wasn't the third day, however. 

"It's been so long since we had sex in a field like this..." 

"Aren't you going to yell at me for what I just said?" His fingers stroked the side of my breast, then found their way on top. He made me gasp, ever so softly. 

"Did you think I'd be angry?" 

"I wasn't expecting this..." 

"Weren't you the one to tell me that good behavior should be rewarded? You're letting me back inside that beautiful head of yours. How could I not want to thank you for that, the way you'll enjoy it most?" 

"You didn't even let me finish." 

"Tell me the rest in a bit, I'll thank you again after." He was hopeless. It was just like back when we had sex for the first time. I'd said enough, at any rate. Bjorn was better off not knowing what I had been working on the past two years. 

"If you insist," I replied dramatically. "Though I must say, I am appalled you would contemplate thanking me in public..." I stared deep into his eyes, seeing just how badly he wanted to be with me. "Here I thought you wanted to keep me all to yourself..." Bjorn let out a longing sigh, then raised his head to look around. 

"Come on, hurry up." He pulled me up and dragged me off, deeper into the woods. 

"You're acting like a teenager, what's got you so riled up?" I smiled all the while, feeling like a kid again, myself. 

"Can't I just be excited about having sex with you?" Trees darted by as we kept descending down the hills. People were growing more scarse as the wilderness took over. 

"Where are you even taking me?" 

"Somewhere I can keep you all to myself." 

"Then why not take me back to the longhouse?" He stopped walking all of a sudden, keeping my hand in his. "Bjorn?" I got worried. This calm of his meant he was raging on the inside. What could possibly get him this angry? I moved in front of him, putting my free hand on the side of his face. 

"Please, talk to me. What is it?" His eyes remained vacant, even though his shoulders fell a bit. 

"Aslaug told me Frida forced the Lawgiver into his decision. I didn't believe her." He'd figured it out. With all the bits and pieces he caught over the years... 

Kol had been on the fringe of his mind as well. We had never come to talk about everything that had happened around it, with Ivar's trial. 

"I guess you figured out what the rest was..." I didn't know what else to say. I remembered finding out myself, how I had clutched Sigurd close. 

"She... How long have you known?" His eyes started to regain life, searching mine for answers. 

"I heard her talking about her vision with Helga, before you got back. That night was the first time that I blocked everything out." The memories of back then started to overtake me. I had hurt all those around me for so long, hiding from any emotion at all. Shoving my emotions away that deep... They hardly recognized me when it happened, Helga had gone as far as to take the twins away from me when she noticed. And after I had taken it too far, they had made me promise to never let myself slide down there again. 

I couldn't stand looking Bjorn in the eye anymore, or touch his skin. Kol, he... The pain, I promised I'd never forget about it. And now, he... My boy, my little cabbage... It was overwhelming, I couldn't do this alone. I needed... 

Bjorn took me in his arms, holding me close. He felt it. All of it, all the pain I had suffered through. The parts he had missed, the pieces of a grand puzzle he could finally see falling into place. He held onto me, as if to keep me in place, keep me safe. He kept me from slipping away again. 

"I'll kill her," he whispered. 

"You won't," I said, taking a deep breath. 

"I swear to the gods, Ragnhild, I'll - " I shoved him in the chest. 

"No! Do not finish that sentence, ever! I'm still broken from what happened back then, and I have had plenty of time to think it all over. You will not swear anything to the gods about this, nor will you speak of killing her out loud ever again." My lip was shaking in anger. How dared he. As if I hadn't given this some thought over the years. 

"How can you even say that," he spat. "She traded our son for Ivar." 

"She will reap what she sowed. Do you truly think I have not been working on a way to get rid of her?" 

"Then what's keeping you back? The boys? We've been raising them ever since Ragnar left. They don't need her. Even Ivar is better off with us. If we kill her, it's over." He wasn't thinking this through, at all. 

"What's keeping me back, Ironside, is that I would be the first suspect. Everyone with ears and eyes to the ground knows we've been at each other's throats since Kol died." 

"You always have a plan." 

"I always find another way, and for this to happen according to plan I need to know there won't be any backlash on you or the children. Do you not see how this could go wrong? Poison isn't the answer this time, Vinh would be sure to find out. I can't drag off the body without anyone caring." 

He turned away, cracked his neck, fumed on the inside. He didn't want me to see. 

"If she died under suspicious circumstances you would be a suspect before the body went cold," he conceded. I walked up to him and stood at his side, looking up at his face. I touched it, begging him to look at me. He gave in with a sigh, slinging his arm around my waist. 

"Which is why I need you to go to Scotland and make a name for yourself. I have to play nice with her for a good long while, and she is making that fucking impossible." Bjorn grunted, clearly not liking how left out he felt. 

"What is your grand plan?" 

"Get her to trust me, first of all. That's not really been going so well, in case you haven't noticed. It's impossible. She never rides, or leaves town, so that rules out an accident. We can't poison her without making me a suspect, and we can't just slit her throat, either. There are too many prying eyes. I can't move without anyone knowing who I am." 

"But now you have me to help you," he insisted. I just raised my eyebrow. 

"And how exactly are you more unknown than me? When is the last time you took Aslaug hunting? Or spent time alone with her without the boys there, or a servant? I spent plenty of time looking at this from all possible angles, it's not like I could count on you to help me when I started all this." I'd said too much, again. I wanted so badly to tell him, to include him in my plans, but I didn't know if I could trust him completely. We'd been working so hard lately but were we strong enough for this? 

"Started what, exactly? You got nowhere with Aslaug ye..." His eyes went wide as he grabbed hold of my hips. "It was you." 

"I didn't kill them myself," I said as I looked away. He stood frozen for a moment, I felt his grip slowly fall away. I took a step back so I could look him in the eye. 

"Then who did? Who did you get to kill them?" I sighed, feeling not at all at ease. 

"Your mother interfered when I tried to get rid of Frida. I meant to leave them out in the hills without so much as a warm fur, but Lagertha took it upon herself to stab Frida in the heart, and she slit Lofn's throat. Then I was forced to get rid of that cart, instead of just rolling it into her fire." Bjorn let out a grunt as he kicked against a tree. He still clearly remembered the last time Lagertha came to Kattegat. He had been acting cool with her for a year afterwards. 

"Back then? When I thought you couldn't take care of yourself?" He sounded like he was out to attack me, now. My face fell into a neutral stare, making it perfectly clear I would not have him trying to scare it out of me. 

"Back when I felt like I couldn't trust you, yes. Back when the Lawgiver headed out west, and I had to follow him without anyone noticing. Don't tell me he didn't deserve it. I tied him to his horse and made sure he would be well away from Kattegat. Early winter there are plenty of predators lurking about." 

"You killed them. Outside of battle. You're..." 

"A monster? For wanting to kill those who killed our son? The Lawgiver was right about one thing. There would be blood revenge either way, and my way, no one knows it was me. I had a cover. I had a plan. And I succeeded." I was damn proud of how it all had ended, even though not everything had gone according to plan. It felt like a righteous fury, I was convinced that Kol would have made it if Aslaug had spoken up about her vision. 

Bjorn and I stood at a crossroads. Either side of us was despair, anger, tears. It would be so easy to drift apart again after this, but the damage was done. Either Bjorn would choose to hear more, or he would walk away and never mention this again, and whatever remained of our marriage would be a husk of its former self. It would wither, die, perish. 

Would we go ahead from here? The longer the moment lasted, the more I dug down my heels. I knew I had a right to kill those people, to have my revenge on Aslaug eventually... It felt like the gods were on my side on this. I hoped Bjorn would be as well. 

He looked bewildered, most of all. He wasn't scared, or hurt, he was confused. 

"Where did you put the cart?" Bjorn asked. He was quick to gloss over the fact I just admitted to murdering three people, one of them a child. I'd been certain he would yell at me for that, but he wanted to move ahead, as well. He wanted to be by my side, help pave the road towards revenge. 

"Those hills are spotted with lakes. One good freeze underwater and that creaky thing was destroyed, the ice was thin enough to break after it rolled off the shore. No one will think to look for a cart in a dark lake in the midst of winter." 

"No wonder..." I narrowed my eyes, not liking his response one bit. "Lagertha told me you were weak, before you must have let her kill Frida. After that time you stormed off I thought it had been my words that had made her reconsider, but she was worried you'd be the end of me if you kept up your sorrow for much longer." I should've known. That must have been what she was holding above my head all these years. 

"Can I then safely assume you are now more focused on how to get rid of Aslaug than you are worried for the other boot to drop? I've no desire to fight on things better left in the past." 

"I'll be pissed about that for some time. You went behind my back, again, killing people I had just as much a right to hate and kill myself, again." I scoffed, thinking it a pathetic reason. 

"They won't come back to haunt us. There's not a trace left. The only one left is Aslaug." 

"And Vinh." 

"She's untouchable... Where I am concerned. If you have some bright idea as to take care of her, I'm all ears." 

"We'd need a suitable replacement first. I can't deny her usefulness in a lot of things." Which was what made her untouchable, and with my name attached... I'd need an ironclad alibi as to where I was when it happened. But if Vinh were to die, Aslaug would get suspicious. They had to go down together, and that ruled out a lot of possibilities to kill either of them. 

"I can be patient. As long as they both will suffer, I am fine with taking a few years to get there." Bjorn got a strange look in his eyes. He pushed me up against a nearby tree, forcing me to look up at him. I stared back at him, defiantly. 

"I've never heard you talk of revenge as if you were a Viking..." 

"I don't need to shout about it when I work on a plan. I know how to keep quiet." 

"Do you, now?" He pulled up my skirts, working it all the way up towards my hips. "How still can you be?" 

"I'd much rather call out your name when I come," I breathed, already feeling tensions rise. An angry fuck was exactly what I needed. "Make me scream for all the right reasons..." 

"Then tell me, what else do you have to scream about?" His fingers moved through my folds, eager to get me wet enough. 

"You're getting predictable," I whispered. "This isn't the first time you held me up against a tree." 

"And it won't be the last... I could always try tying you up to the rafters in the hall." My eyes shot open. 

"Not in your wildest dreams. Just because we fucked in a tent for all to see doesn't mean I want to do it again." Bjorn calmed me with a kiss and his fingers on my collarbone. He was all over my body, applying pressure where I needed it most. 

"I've been getting a lot of approving nods. Some men even asked me how I could pleasure you like that." He buried his face in my neck, listening as I gasped, let out the first moan. It always egged him on to try even harder. 

"What did you tell them?" 

"That I was blessed by the gods with a great teacher." The way he was finger banging me, he hardly needed a lesson in anything. 

"It's you who always came up with new ways to fuck me." I closed my eyes as I moaned, feeling his thumb caress my clitoris. Bjorn was amazing at coming up with ways to torture me with pleasure. 

"You're sopping wet," he whispered. 

"Then what are you waiting for?" 

"Tell me." 

"About what?" He stopped fingering me. I bit my lip, but it did nothing for me. "I want to feel your dick inside of me. Feel it throbbing, and aching, just for me. I want to have you all to myself." Bjorn resumed, slowly. 

"And?" 

"I want your lips on my nipples, and your teeth grazing over them, until my insides are on fire. Then I want you to turn me around and push me into this tree, and feel you enter me... Ohh... And your dick... Hmm, that beautiful dick of yours... I want you to bury it inside of me, so hard you'll make me lose my breath..." Bjorn was liking this scenario. His breathing grew deep, and his fingers went in even deeper. 

"Ragnhild..." I reached inside his pants, feeling just how excited he was. He let out a sigh as my fingers touched him. 

"That's right... This hard cock, I want it. I need it. I want you to give it to me, I want to make you come when I do, when you feel my cunt tighten around you. I want you to surrender to your lust, I want you to fuck me until I can't walk straight for days." As I started to jerk him off, Bjorn's breathing grew labored. 

"I want to fuck you so badly," he said. His hips started to move already. "I want you to be at my mercy. I need to know there's at least some part of you that hasn't changed without me knowing. I need to see if you still taste the same." I whimpered as he withdrew his fingers and licked one of them. His eyes closed as he hummed. 

"What do I taste like?" I asked. Bjorn put his finger in my open mouth to let me taste for myself. My hand squeezed his dick as I licked myself off his finger. 

"Ohh..." He knew just as well as I that this could only go one way. We tore at each other's clothes, and when that went too slow we pulled off our own. Bjorn leaned over my body, his face headed for the tattoo on my thighs. I grabbed his dick and licked my lips. He was mine. All of him was mine, and mine alone. 

I started sucking before he could get into position. The head barely in my mouth, I swirled my tongue all over. I went from slow, long laps to fast darting with just the tip of my tongue. Bjorn was moaning by the time his tongue found my slit. 

The better his tongue found my sensitive spots, the more I moaned, and the more I moaned, the more Bjorn enjoyed himself. The gentle vibration of my throat against his cock drove him mad, until he knew he had to pull back before he came. I took him in as deep as I could, let out a muffled scream as he ravaged my clitoris, then felt him withdraw. 

"Is it just me or do you get better at this every time?" He pulled me up for a kiss, holding me as I twitched and writhed in the afterglow. "Gods, woman..." 

"You held back on me, didn't you? Usually you make me come at least twice..." I felt my own arousal stick to my chin from the kiss. Bjorn pulled me to my feet and pushed me up against the tree I mentioned earlier, careful not to push too hard as I found where to put my feet. Once I stopped moving around he pushed on my back, hanging his head next to mine. 

"Tell me," he whispered. He drew his cock past my slit, but didn't enter yet. The suspense was killing me. 

"I want you to fuck me from behind. Fuck me like it's the last time before you go raiding." He entered, but kept it at just the tip. He moved so slowly, I felt myself get frustrated. "Fuck me," I demanded. 

"Tell me more." He thrust once, so slowly that he made me whimper again. He was pushing my limits. 

"Put your hands on my breasts." He cupped them, but that was it. He still refused to fuck me. "Do that thing, where you twist and - ahh..." He twisted them, then let go with a sharp pull. I tried to back my hips into his dick, but he moved back at the same time. "Please... Bjorn, I..." I moaned as he pushed me back against the tree with his hips. My hand shot up to the trunk to find something to hold onto, sending pieces flying. 

"So sensitive... I love your body. You hid away from me for too long." He let go of my left breast and started massaging my clitoris. I almost lost my footing as he pushed me into the tree again. Between his dick and his fingers, I was unable to think. 

"Please fuck me," I breathed. "Fuck me, Bjorn. Fuck me. Like you mean it." The tension in my body built up even higher. I felt him brush aside my hair, then place a kiss on my tattoo. "Please..." 

He thrust once again. I yelped as I thought relief would soon come, but as he stopped, I whimpered. 

"I don't want you to suffer," he whispered. "I want you to squirm on my dick, but I need to know. Is this what you really want?" I tried to turn my head around, but he wouldn't let me. "Do you still want me to touch you? Do you need me as badly as I need you?" 

"I do," I whispered. "I do, I want you, I need you. I can't live without you, I can't breathe if you're not there. Don't leave me." Finally, he started fucking me. He was hard and unforgiving in his thrusts, but soft and caring with his fingers and lips. 

"I fucking love you," he grunted. "You make it fucking impossible sometimes, but I never want to be without you. I don't want to have to think about wanting someone else." I could only moan, and curse him from bringing this into the sex. 

"Harder," I panted. He sped up and thrust even deeper. My nails scratched over the bark, tearing free a few more chunks. "More." 

"You greedy. Fucking. Cunt!" He finally made me come again. As I shook in his arms he laid me down on the grass. One leg on his shoulder, I felt him enter again. I contracted as he went in deep again. I tumbled from orgasm to orgasm, not knowing where one stopped and another began. It was one big haze, filled with pleasure and Bjorn. After a while he lay on top of me, but I was still too dazed from his efforts. I tried stroking his head and back a few times, but didn't have the energy to keep going for long. 

When Bjorn rolled off me I had no idea how long we'd been at it. I could see the sunlight through the trees, I heard a crow caw in the distance, and I had Bjorn beside me. That was all I knew, and all I needed to know. 

"Why did you push me away?" Bjorn asked. "I can't understand. We need each other so badly. Why did you keep me from this bliss for all those moons?" I only had one defense, and it was grounds for a tough fight. For a moment I thought about letting it slip, but then I remembered what I once promised him. I loved him so much, I would tell him when he made a mistake. 

"You broke one of the rules," I whispered as I rolled to my side. "You brought a fight into the sex." He couldn't use me begging for him to fuck me to get what he wanted from me. Promises that we made during sex were only valid during sex, and sex was a safe time, where we only cared about pleasuring each other. 

"I couldn't let it linger." He rose on his elbow, letting a hand slide over the side of my face. 

"We have these rules for a reason. You should've stopped and talked about it. That's what we agreed on, no matter how aroused we both are. Especially now, I'm vulnerable." He was embarrassed. I could tell, but he didn't apologize. 

"I need to know. You can't expect me to just forget about it." 

"And I told you, I need a little more time for that. I need to be precise." v

"Does it have to do with what happened four years ago?" I let my hand wander over his arm. He smelled like sex and sweat. It was comforting, he should always smell like this. 

"Partially. I just..." I was lost for words. It didn't matter. Bjorn knew I wouldn't say anything I didn't want to. He held me, so close I couldn't breathe without him knowing, then let go of me. He got up and pulled me with. I'd almost forgotten, he had some things to discuss with Aslaug. 

"I'm responsible for what happened, back then. Before I left, I... I had this image in my mind, of us surrounded by a dozen children. I wanted it too much, and the gods punished us." 

I didn't understand at first. He was speaking, I recognized the words, but... Was he saying he blamed himself? That he had tempted the gods? That it all had happened because of some stupid fantasy? 

"Bjorn... " He had never told me this before. Had he felt uncertain about sharing with me as well? He'd never let on. "I didn't know you felt like that. The gods didn't punish you for wanting more children." I left unspoken what they had punished him for. We were making progress, this was not the moment to fall back into the same old fights. Both of us had to keep on choosing to go on ahead together, it hadn't been a one-time thing. 

"You made some comment, about not being a mare for me to breed with. And you were right. You're so much more than the mother of my children. I'm sorry, for my part in all of it." He'd never said it like this. He'd shown me, through his actions, and his patience, and how he had taken my tantrums, and - some things I'd done, it might as well have been called abusive. It took me a few times of opening my mouth and then closing it again, but then I managed to speak. 

"I owe you an apology as well. For... For all the screaming, and shouting, all the things I threw at you..." 

"Ragnhild, it's fine." 

"No, it's not. I was horrible. I tried to hurt you, on purpose. With weapons, and words, and... I feel terrible about it." 

"Honey..." 

"I was a cunt. Can you at least acknowledge that?" He sighed, stopped walking as I did, taking a moment to look me in the eye. 

"You were. I was trying my best to help you get through it, and you gave me nothing. You made me feel like I was even worse than your father." I buried my face in his chest. "No, don't cry. You've done enough of that to last a lifetime." 

"I need to let it out," I sobbed. "Otherwise I'll never heal. I want to get better again. I need to, I can't lose you." Bjorn held me as I cried, resting his chin on top of my head. It felt like I was catching up with myself, today. Finally, all my fears and hurts came to the surface, now Bjorn was able to calm me again, to give me comfort. Finally, I could let it all out. 

"I forgive you," he said after I had calmed. 

"Then tell me how bad it was for you. I need to hear it, please. I need to know what I did, so I know never to do that again. Tell me what I caused." I could tell he didn't want to say it, but he must have felt the same as me. We were making progress on some very old problems, and knowing it wasn't just me having a hard time made it easier, somehow. It was like we were both cleaning off the rust to get the cogs in motion again. We could still work. We could make it if we kept being honest with each other. We could still go back to how we used to be. 

"I felt like I couldn't do anything right. And when you slipped into that thing where you couldn't feel anything, you scared me. I was so afraid of losing you, and then... I was scared for the twins as well. Aslaug told me I should force you to get yourself back together by threatening with a divorce, but I knew that would only make it worse." 

"I probably would have dared you to go through with it," I said as we started walking again. 

"I know. You'd want to see me hurt myself." 

"I'm so sorry. How did you ever make it through?" 

"It wasn't easy... But I saw small things. Like how I never had to bathe the twins, and that you still kept the house tidy when I was gone. If I put a mug away in the wrong place it would end up back on the shelf where it belonged. There was this hole in one of my shirts that suddenly got repaired. And as time went by, it got to be more and more." And then Ragnar had left, and I had forced myself to be the perfect mother again. It had eaten at me, but the boys had pulled me through. I had managed to be strong for them, and for the twins, and between all that being strong had become a second nature, an obligation. 

"I was mad at you, for taking over my life. I felt like you were living it for me, and you were getting better at it every day. I had to do something to defend my territory." 

"At the least it left me able to take care of all of us. I actually like cooking every once in a while. But what surprised me most was that you started going on walks in the middle of the night. The night after Lagertha shouted at you, and you took the twins to Floki? That must have been the first time you had gone outside by yourself since I came back. And then you went out again the night after." 

"That... The second night was when I wanted to kill Frida." v

"In a way you did. It might have been Lagertha's sword, but she wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for you." I scoffed as Ragnar's words came to mind. He always claimed that I could kill with a whisper. 

"I still wonder how she even managed to find us, and why she did it. She might have heard me talking to Frida when I held a knife to her throat, but she could never have gotten the whole story from just that. And Helga swore an oath to keep Aslaug's prophecy hidden from Floki and anyone else she might want to tell." 

"Who knows... She just might have had her own suspicions. The child would be next in line after Thormund, that's reason enough for Aslaug to be hostile towards him." 

"After Siggy, you mean. If Lagertha can hold an earldom, then why not our daughter? She's the eldest." Bjorn just smiled, as he used to do whenever I just didn't understand our way of life. "Stop it, Bjorn. I'm not adorable, or ignorant, or passionate. I'm serious. Why wouldn't Siggy be your heir?" 

"For starters, she's not Lagertha. She doesn't have decades worth of fighting experience. She has no one willing to follow her, because there's a boy of the same age, as well. And if it weren't for Thormund, I still have four brothers that would get that honor before Siggy. We have always followed the strongest, not the smartest. If we did, we wouldn't even be having this discussion right now." 

"Then what kind of future do you see for our daughter? Will you marry her off when she comes of age?" Bjorn narrowed his eyes as he heard my tone. 

"If Harald had a son, perhaps that would have been a good match. But as it is, we're not the ones that have to buy loyalty. We're the ones to buy it from. I've had some earls wanting to offer up their own daughters for the boys, to get them betrothed already. Ragnhild, they all want in. They feel something big will happen in a few years, and they all want to be first in line." I loved his enthusiasm, but it hurt to realize what it meant. The boys wouldn't be free to marry for love, as I had always promised them they would. 

Bjorn and I had drawn a firm line on that many years ago, that we would never involve our children in these kinds of games. Any of them. 

"What did you tell them? You can't just offer up the boys to get a good deal out of it. This is their future, if their wives are not up to the task - " 

"You worry too much," he said with a reassuring smile. He still remembered the promise we'd made. Still, it was something worth thinking over. Ubbe was ready to go raiding, from there it was only a few years to marriage. 

"I know how hard it is to be married to a son of Ragnar. Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. They will need wives who can hold their own against them." 

"They will need to be like you?" I grunted as I saw him smile, then slapped at his chest. "You're sounding like you're their mother." 

"For all intents and purposes..." 

"Oh, how I pity those women. They would have to please not only Aslaug, but you as well. They wouldn't last a moon." His words didn't annoy me as much as his smugness did. 

"I'm not that bad..." 

"Honey, I'd rather fight off two beserkers and a bear at the same time, without weapons or armor, than have to earn your trust when it comes to the boys. I know how this came to be, and I don't blame you. I feel the same." 

"They're all we have," I sighed. 

"They're all we have," Bjorn agreed. I took his arm and held it close as we made our way back, already surrounded by other people. "Ubbe will go with us, to Scotland." 

"I know. It's why I cut his hair the way I did. He's ready. Just..." 

"Don't let him get into trouble, watch his back, make sure he doesn't drink too much, make sure he eats his vegetables..." I stuck out my tongue. "Tell him to be mindful of his sword and axe, check his shield after every fight..." 

"Alright, that's quite enough. You made your point." 

"He needs a warm cloak, and a tent, someone to tend to his horse, and someone to make his bed, and - ow!" I'd swatted at his head, hitting the side. 

"Message received. I'm not that bad." Bjorn chuckled, then let out a contented sigh. 

"He'll do fine. We raised him, after all. He will be able to hold his own." Still, I didn't feel completely at ease. Him fighting for treasure was only half of my worries. 

"I haven't had to miss him this long since Paris," I said, trying to keep my voice normal, forcing any nervous habits to stay down. 

"I know," Bjorn said. His hand on mine as I clutched onto him made me realize he knew exactly how I felt. "He'll do fine, you'll see. Have a little faith in him. He's earned it." 

"He still gets up to trouble all the time," I said, scraping my throat to get rid of the croakiness. "Apparently he and Hvitserk snuck out after me, when I left for the orgy. They saw us, all of it." 

"What did they have to say for themselves?" 

"You know how it works. Ubbe acts out, and Hvitserk follows along. They mostly seemed confused as to why we have a rope near the bed." I glanced sideways, seeing Bjorn had glanced at me, first. 

"You told them?" 

"I told Ubbe the same as always. I don't tell about what happens underneath our furs." 

"That's not what you told Hvitserk, then," Bjorn said. He cracked his knuckles nervously. 

"He seemed unsettled," I said warily, not liking Bjorn's nervousness one bit. "I told him it was just a game we play." 

"And then Ubbe got me to tell him about what kinds of games there are in the bedroom. Told me there were some strange things he heard about, and he didn't want to upset you by asking." 

"Those fucking little shits... Wait, you bought into a story that a fourteen years old could upset me about something to do with sex? I taught you all you know." Bjorn glossed over my rebuke. 

"We'll have to watch them more carefully. They're not boys anymore." 

"What did you tell him?" I asked, sensing there was something he should feel embarrassed about as well. It hadn't been just me making a mistake. 

"Nothing too embarrassing. Just that people like different things, and that some are more perverted than others." That was so vague, he might as well have told me he was hiding something. 

"So no explanation as to what a rope could be used for?" 

"Well..." 

"Bjorn?" 

"It was the first thing that came to mind. I told him I heard of some couples where one ties up the other so they can't use their hands, and that they both enjoy it, and that it's consensual." That was at least a small relief. That didn't sound perverted at all. 

This whole disagreement was a breath of fresh air. It was a normal thing to bicker about, something... mundane, almost. It wasn't filled with heavy emotions and hard decisions, it was about our semi-adopted sons pulling a fast one on us. 

"Then I wonder, do they know which one of us is being tied up?" I asked with a smile. 

"They'll figure out it's you," Bjorn said with surprising ease. 

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. After all, I'm the strange one, with the weird customs and weird predilections..." Bjorn scoffed, as if he found it hard to believe. 

"As if they can imagine me being tied up by a woman." The mere thought made him smile. 

"You did agree to try it once," I said as I bumped into him slightly. His look told me he'd see about that. 

"After I get back from Scotland maybe, we'll be in a rush when we get back." 

"Or maybe tonight." He scoffed again, making me want to poke even deeper. "Don't tell me you're going back on a promise, now. In exchange you got to try your new game." 

Before he could respond I twisted my ankle on a hole in the ground. Bjorn caught me and held me up. 

"Are you okay?" All play had gone from his face. 

"It's nothing, I'm fine." I took a step on it and immediately got lifted up into his arms. "Bjorn, I'm fine. I can already see the house." 

"I'm not taking any chances. You're still terrible at hiding physical pain." It did hurt a bit, but this... 

"You just want to carry me around," I accused. 

"Then indulge me. You haven't let me take care of you for a while now." He'd threatened to kill Waldemar for me only two days back. Even he didn't believe it. 

"You're still terrible at hiding what you want." 

"That's because all I want right now is you." I laughed out loud as Bjorn kicked open the door, carrying me inside. 

"I told you, I'm - Aslaug?" She was surrounded by more than a few women, all looking up at Bjorn and me. Just what kind of gathering was this? All of them were beautiful. 

"Bjorn, I thought you'd come alone." She seemed a little hesitant, her eyes flashing at me a few times as the tension grew thick. 

"I lost track of time. You know how that is, when you love someone." He kissed me, in front of all these strangers. "What did you want to discuss?" Bjorn gave off his tell-tale calm, making me worry. He'd known about this, what would happen here. I cleared my throat, making Bjorn put me down on my feet. 

"What's going on here?" I asked as I glanced around once more. Bjorn put a hand to the small of my back. He was worried about how I'd react if I found out. He wanted to keep me from lashing out, for some reason. Was this... 

"Well," Aslaug said as she recovered, a smile coming back to her face, "since you can't have any more children, we figured he might want to try and find a second wife." 

"We never decided on anything," Bjorn bit back, before my mind could even go reeling. I had been right, something had been going on. It wasn't me being paranoid. The realization my instincts had been right made me want to step back, but Bjorn had his hand in the one place that would force me to turn away completely. I needed to know more before I even thought of walking out on them. "You mentioned it, and I ignored you. Just what have you been telling these women?" 

"You told us he'd choose one of us before the end of the festival," one of the women spat. "You said that whomever he chose would get to be queen after you." She got up, looking pissed. The others didn't want to keep hanging around now thunderclouds were surrounding the three of us. I watched them go, not knowing what to feel. I had been terrified of this, and now it was playing out in front of me. Bjorn hadn't been surprised, but he was so adamant in his refusal at the same time. 

"You can't be serious, Bjorn. You were very clear..." Bjorn kept quiet until the door was closed, then he started shouting. 

"Just what the fuck were you thinking! You have no right to interfere in my marriage like this! I know it was you who spread those rumors that almost got Ragnhild raped, and now you try and force this down my throat?" Aslaug turned pale as an ash tree. "You don't want me to be king. You just want to bide your time until one of your sons can take over. I won't let you meddle with my life, or with the kingdom." I didn't like where this was headed. It was too early to try and oust her, by far. She still held the love of the people, and the boys... If it came to a head-on clash, she would win by virtue of marriage, or Bjorn would be forced to slay her in single combat. The gods would never forgive him for that. 

"Bjorn..." My hand on his arm calmed him down. "This isn't about you. She's hated me ever since I blessed Ivar. She only wants to hurt us, don't give her what she wants." 

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Aslaug asked, not understanding what was going on. 

"But Ragnhild, she - " 

"She's a dumb fucking cunt that should know better than to mess with me. She's the one that asked the gods to send me here, and now she has to bear the consequences of that. I won't have you fight my battles." 

"I will not tolerate you speaking to me in such a tone." Aslaug slowly rose up from her seat, but all she did was make me more determined. I'd have to burn all my bridges with her, so Bjorn could keep up a cool front with her allowing them to work together. 

"And I won't have you humiliate me in front of total strangers. You are not worthy of the title of queen, and I refuse to acknowledge these petty attempts at trying to get me to divorce Bjorn." 

"It's you that's delusional, Ragnhild. Do you truly think this... This brief flash of happiness can erase what happened?" 

"I still have a destiny to fulfill, one that you shoved down my throat. Whatever it is, I know I'll need Bjorn by my side when I do. Who are you to move against the gods?" 

"You dare lecture me! You're nothing but an upjumped slave, I should have killed you when I still had the chance!" 

"Aslaug!" Bjorn all but shook in anger. Even she realized she'd gone too far. 

"Forgive me, I spoke in anger..." It did nothing to appease Bjorn. He slowly walked up to her, standing before her so close her form disappeared behind his broad shoulders. I loved seeing her in agony like this, try as I might to keep to the moral high ground. 

"If you ever speak of my wife like that again, I'll hurt you in ways you didn't even think were possible. You will acknowledge you made a grievous mistake inviting those women over, and spreading those rumors about our marriage, and what you just said. And you'd better mean each and every word. Have I made myself clear?" Judging by the soft scuffle, she had sat down into her seat again. 

Bjorn turned to face me, relaxing a bit. He must have seen on my face that she hadn't rattled me in the slightest. I had known that was how she felt about me for a long time, and the words had not been a surprise to me.The only thing I didn't know was why she felt that way, but at a time like this it hardly mattered. 

"I apologize," Aslaug whispered. "I made a mistake, I was careless. I'm sorry this all landed on you." It was far from satisfying, but all I would get from her. 

"You seem to have some trouble understanding how our lives are connected," I spoke in a clear voice, walking up to her with my head held high. "So let me explain it to you. The only reason you get to call yourself queen is because Ragnar forgot to divorce you when he left. You are unfit to be a queen, and you are unfit to be a mother. Even Ragnar knew that. Why else would he have made me promise to raise the boys as my own the night before he left? You are nothing more but a face, and you would do well to remember that. Your sons will not be king before Bjorn. You will not be remembered as a great queen. You are a placeholder, nothing more. Is that understood?" 

"Ragnhild." Bjorn put a hand on my shoulder. I held my mouth shut, under protest. Aslaug was on the verge of tears and all too happy to be able to storm off, leaving me alone with Bjorn. 

I took in a sharp breath, biting my lip to try and keep in tears of my own. 

"How long have you been working on that speech?" 

"Years," I admitted to his chest, pulling him close. 

"She'll hate you until she dies." Bjorn rested his chin on my head, making me feel a lot better already. "I shouldn't have gotten that upset with her. I'm sorry I screwed up." Upset wasn't the word I would have used... 

"What's done is done. It wasn't like my plan was going anywhere. We'll need to think of something else." Bjorn pulled me after him, towards the bed. Only when we lay on top of the furs, our limbs tangled in a tight embrace, did he dare admit what was in his heart. 

"If that ship could sink on the way back, it would solve so many problems at the same time." I gasped, then realized he was right. With just the two of us, I didn't have to fake anything. 

"I can't disagree. Ivar's got knives hidden everywhere. He's not just weird like I used to be, he's..." 

"Dangerous. At eight. I know, we have to do something. We're not the only ones who noticed. Floki's doing his best as well, but it's hard at the best of times." The door opened, but I knew we couldn't interrupt such an important conversation. 

"We have to be firm with him," I spoke in Dutch. 

"Just grabbing a wrap!" Helga called out. It wasn't cold by any meaning of the word, she just wanted to have something to lie on when she had sex with Floki. Good for them. 

"Ivar needs boundaries, and rules," I insisted. "He needs to know when he's out of bounds, if no one tells him he'll just assume it's normal behavior." 

"I know, you're right. We'll have to figure out how to get him out of her clutches all the time." 

"You can do what your father used to do." Bjorn gave me a curious glance. "Give him what he wants. Teach him how to fight." 

"How would that even look like?" 

"Well, he could learn to use a bow. And he still might be able to learn how to use a sword and an axe. Just think about it, Thorfan's injured as well. He can't move around either, they might develop some way for Ivar to be a fighter without him having to sit around. And when he's older, we could always strap him on top of a horse, then his enemies will be none the wiser." 

"And if he breaks a single bone, Aslaug will hide him away forever." 

"Who says Ivar will listen to her? If you're the one to put a sword in his hand, he'll owe you for the rest of his life." 

"It's worth a try. Maybe breaking a few bones during training will teach him how dangerous weapons are." With this matter settled, I could decompress a little. My face must have shown my lingering worries. 

"How about a back rub when I tell you what's been going on?" Bjorn offered. 

"I'm not calm enough to hear about it." 

"Hence the back rub. I don't want you to have the wrong idea, even for a second." Rolling my eyes I sat up and took off my dress. Bjorn followed with a mug of mead. 

"This had better be the best massage I have ever had." After I downed the mug I lay down, now completely naked. 

He sat down on top of me and got to work. For a few minutes he let his fingers do the talking, soothing both my body and my mind. His strong hands were able to keep going for a long time and knew just where to find the knots in my muscles. 

"Bjorn? The story?" 

"I... Might've noticed a desire to have more children of our own." I knew it. He'd wanted a second wife. Somehow this week here had been enough to push it off, but that wouldn't last forever. "But I was thinking of maybe adopting one." Adoption? Since when was that something that could be done? 

"Okay..." 

"I wasn't sure how to broach the subject. When we're raiding, sometimes we leave behind babies. And I remember you telling me how it works in the future, that parents who have difficulty conceiving can take one in that wouldn't have parents otherwise." 

"So what, you want to round up parents? Check if their baby is up to our standards and then steal it for me? Will it be the nice thing you bring for me from Scotland?" I could see it in my mind, how he'd hold a baby in his arms as he came back, had to lead, it would be a disaster. The men would never take him serious after that. 

"No, not like that. We would be saving it from...." He hesitated. 

"Starvation? Death by Halfdan?" 

"From a cruel fate. And I think it might be good for you, as well. A new child will never fill up the hole that our son left, but it will help. You've been sad for too long already. And now I realize you've been strong during all of it, and fierce. But it's okay to be soft again for a bit. What do you think?" 

"You still haven't explained how Aslaug fits into all of this." A child... A baby, a tiny little thing, that depended on me... 

"She overheard me and Floki talking about how it would be, to have a child from another woman." I let out the breath I'd been holding. The baby would die if I didn't say yes. I had to, I couldn't let a baby die... But did I want it? 

"So she took it upon herself to help drive a wedge between us. How thoughtful. Just how long do you think she's been trying to do just that?" A tiny little baby... One that depended on me, that would call me mom. Look up at me with amazed eyes. 

"I'm not sure... There are some things that have started to fall into place, but it could all just be a coincidence. It might be she just started. But... Ragnhild..." We'd get to choose, if it would be a boy or a girl. Or, I could give a preference. A girl. Yes, it would have to be a girl. Bjorn would want a boy, but right after Kol... Maybe the next one. Then we'd have two of each, that would be nice. 

"It must have been longer. There's just this nagging feeling I have, that it's been going on for years." As long as it would be healthy... I'd need Bjorn to check some things for me. I needed to make a list. 

"Ragnhild." Her parents would need to be tall, otherwise she would be smaller than me. If she wanted to become a shieldmaiden, she would need to be tall enough to stand in the shield wall. 

"No, I know what you're thinking, that it's me being mistrusting again, but I just can't shake it. Something's off, like..." And her hair, it would likely be brown. With hazel eyes. What would I call her? 

"Do you want me to bring you back a baby?" I just lay there, feeling Bjorn's fingers push into my skin. "Ragnhild?" My lip started shaking. Bjorn got off as he felt my breathing grow heavy. 

A baby... 

"Forget I mentioned it. I didn't want to hurt you like this." 

"Bjorn..." I broke down. I cried so hard the whole gathering must have heard, but I didn't care. It was like I felt my heart mending, growing back together, if only for a bit. Some of the darkness was lifting. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. I wanted to tell him it wasn't like that, but he grabbed hold of my hand before I could wave him off. He pulled me up in his lap, cradled me in his arms, while I kept on crying and pouting, trying to smile but failing every time I tried. 

He hadn't been planning to take on a second wife. He'd been thinking of me, loving me, despite me keeping him at a distance. He was insane, to love me that much. Bjorn was insanely in love with me. I tried to calm down enough to tell him something, anything, but I couldn't. Not for a good few minutes. 

"Baby," I squeaked, then broke down again, smiling with my lip still shaking. 

"You..." I nodded my head, trying to wipe away the snot and the tears, but it was useless. A few sharp breaths made me calm down just a little. 

"I want a baby." Bjorn pulled me in for a hug, letting out a sigh of relief. 

"Oh, you had me worried there. Oh, my sweet, sweet Ragnhild..." 

"I've always wanted another child." I had to laugh through my tears now, finally able to feel how strong the want had been. 

"Me, too. I'll find the best little survivor there is, one that's already proven to be strong." 

"A girl," I said before he could make any mention as to the gender. "I've already come up with a name." 

"Whatever you want. Think on it for a bit, what else you'd like. I'll find the best match in what we can choose from." 

"The younger, the better. Around six months should be best, then it's okay to start her on goat's milk, and she won't have any trouble with the language then, that starts so early... Oh, and you'll have to bring some furs for her, and - why are you looking at me like that?" 

His face showed something I hadn't seen there for years. Not like this, all serious and loving at the same time. He was... He thought I was being cute, in the adorable way that made him forget I was older than him. 

"Because I haven't seen you this alive for years. It warms my heart, to see you this excited about anything." He wiped the remaining tears from my face and kissed me. I leaned into him, making us fall down on the bed. "I missed those beautiful smiles of yours." I let him hold me, feeling safe in his embrace as I calmed down, my mind reeling with possibilities. 

"How is it you still know me so well?" I asked after wiping off my face again. 

“Are you kidding? You’ve been staring down every pregnant woman that’s come to town since the winter, did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” I laughed, suddenly realizing that Bjorn and I had gone through the same pickle. “What?” 

“Floki should learn to talk to us,” I said, still feeling the chuckle in my belly. “I told him about how I hated that you were staring at those women, it made me think you wanted to pick a second wife. Didn’t he tell you? I was terrified you’d get a woman pregnant on the third day, and then I’d be stuck with some other woman’s brat.” 

“Did you really think I would?” I stopped laughing, seeing how serious Bjorn was about this. “You told me once that you would divorce me if I ever cheated on you. And… Look, I know it was wrong of me to push you like I did, but when I saw you there, naked… It was all worth it.” 

I closed my eyes, not happy to hear him say this. If it hadn’t been for the gods… 

This was a sign. They meant for me and Bjorn to stay together, they wanted me to be with him. 

“You have no idea how lucky we are,” I whispered as I lay down on top of him. “The gods are what brought me to you on time, otherwise…” I didn’t want to think on it. 

“It all worked out in the end, that’s what matters.” I lifted my head, not agreeing at all. “The gods looked out for us. It was fated to be.” 

“You almost blew up our marriage over wanting to get your dick wet, and you think that’s okay? Because the gods kept you from making the biggest mistake of our lives?” I couldn't believe how he was acting so casual about this. 

“What are you talking about? It wouldn’t have been cheating, which is why I tried it here in the first place. You said you knew, after seeing it for yourself.” 

“I didn’t know that back then,” I said through gritted teeth. “If I hadn’t come and you would’ve fucked someone else, I would have…” I wouldn’t have done a thing. I would have resented Bjorn for the rest of his life, but I never would have left him over it. I wasn't strong enough for that. 

“You would have left me?” Bjorn asked. He sounded scared, I’d never heard him like this before. He rose up, lifting me up with me. “Ragnhild, answer me. Would you have left me? You know you wouldn’t have had any ground in front of the Thing, you wouldn’t be entitled to your full mundr. What would you even… And the twins, you would have taken them?” 

I felt vulnerable. Being naked while he was clothed, having him claw at me with such desperation, it was more than I could handle. We’d just agreed to adopt a baby, and now this… 

“Bjorn, I… I don’t… I mean, no. Yes. I don’t… What did you expect?” I got off his lap and pulled up my knees to hide myself behind. 

“Gods, I… I never meant to hurt you.” He was trying to hide how afraid he was, poorly. 

“You were already touching her breasts,” I told my knees. 

“I thought you still wanted to be with me. That you need me to be able to breathe.” He only made me angrier. 

“I say a lot of things during sex that aren’t true, as do you,” I snapped. “Do you really think I’m a slut?” 

“No! Ragnhild, please. I apologized, I’m sorry. I really am. I had no idea I was hurting you that badly. We weren’t talking like we used to, I only wanted to - “ 

“So now you’re blaming me?” Bjorn sat frozen for a second, then tried to reach out. As he did, I scooted over to get off the bed. 

“Honey, please. Talk to me.” 

“We were talking! And then you had to go and say things like that!” My voice was already cracking, I had to get out. 

“I only said the truth!” 

“I’m not mad about you telling the fucking truth! I’m mad about what that truth is! I need to calm the fuck down before I can even think of this again, and I can’t look at you without getting fucking angry!” 

"We need to talk about this!” 

“I don’t want to fight you!” I turned around, the dress still in my hands. “I just want to be okay and leave everything behind us but I can’t if you keep doing stupid shit like this! I love you, I never want to leave you! Is that what you want to hear? I want to be with you so badly, but you make me doubt everything!” 

“Then let me love you!” 

“Then talk to me! Not to Floki, or Torstein, or anyone else! Don’t go around my back talking about raising another woman’s child!” 

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings! I had no idea how you would react! What if I would have insulted you, instead!” 

“You should have a little faith in me, that I would see it for what it was!” 

“Then tell me why you wouldn’t let me touch you for four moons!” I gasped, knowing he was right. I was a hypocrite. “It’s tearing me apart! Why are you hiding it from me!” 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I whispered, feeling myself crumble. I sank to the edge of the bed, crying again, clutching my dress in an attempt to comfort myself. “I want to tell you so badly, but I can’t… It’s tearing me apart, and I don’t want that for you. Please, you have to understand…” I felt so weak I doubled over, losing my breath as I wailed. “Please, Bjorn. Please…” 

I expected him to pull me close, wrap his arms around me, but instead he sank down to his knees before me and put his head on my lap. His hands went over my calves, never reaching past my knees. 

“Tell me, please. It’s tearing you apart as well, I don’t want that for you. I can be strong enough for both of us, if you can trust me like that. I won’t let you down.” He didn’t beg on. He just sat there, content on his knees, to be near me. My sobbing slowly died down, until I needed something else to occupy my mind with. 

“There’s this thing,” I said, choking down heaves. “With my… my body, and I don’t understand. I can’t… I mean, I shouldn’t…” I took a few deep breaths again, keeping my eyes on the piece of fabric I was plucking at. Bjorn watched me intently, but he didn’t interrupt. “It’s not just the scars.” 

I pulled up the dress, revealing how little was left of the lines. Bjorn sat up as he saw, his whole body tense. Already his mind was working overtime, I could feel it. And now I would have to crush his hope, as I had to do with my own. 

“I’m still barren,” I said in a half-whisper. “After all the damage… There’s no way, even if the gods would bless us… But there’s this… This thing happened, four moons back, and I can’t… I want to, but I...” Bjorn went back to massaging my legs, as far up as he dared to go. I breathed in deep again, until I felt myself getting faint. “My blood, it…” 

Bjorn realized what was going on, now. He took a deep breath, nuzzled my knees with his nose, but kept silent. He was processing it, what all of it meant. 

“Four moons ago, I started bleeding again,” I pushed out. “But my womb is too messed up. There’s scar tissue lining it, even if I still have functional ovaries and somehow those eggs are viable, it can’t settle down anywhere. I will never be able to bear you another child.” I reached out to his face, barely touching his skin before he took my hand and kissed the palm. 

“No wonder you thought of leaving me,” he said, sounding pained. “If I had known this was the reason… I don’t want to lose you, ever. But we have to talk about these kinds of things. Hiding this stuff… Both of us, not just you, it only caused us more hurt in the end. Can you promise me to tell me when these things come up? I swear to the gods that I will, I’ll tell you everything, always.” 

I looked down at him, feeling my eyes grow sore as I had no more tears left to cry. How had I let it come to this? How had I ever thought that he wouldn't understand? He understood how I could come from the future, me bleeding again... It was nothing, in the grand scheme of things. 

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, my voice catching in my throat. "I - I still have to work on it, every day." 

He came to his feet, sat down on the bed and scooted over until his back was against the headboard. He gestured for me to come over, sit between his legs. With a smile I obliged, feeling so incredibly thankful that it was all out in the open now. 

"I love you so much," I whispered, then kissed his arm. 

"I love you, too," he whispered back, his head next to mine. "Remember how I made you promise not to scream at me anymore?" I nodded, vividly remembering that fight. "I changed my mind. I'd rather you scream at me than have you keep silent." 

"Some things are better when I whisper them in your ear," I said with a soft smile, getting up to my knees. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulled him close. 

"Honey?" 

"I love you. I need you. I can't breathe without you, without you I feel incomplete. You don't have to pry it from me during sex. If you ever need to hear it again, just ask." 

He buried his face in my neck, keeping me locked in place with his arms. I didn't mind. To me, crying was a way to let go of the building tensions. Bjorn needed everything to freeze, so he could catch up, catch his breath. I held him close in return, missing the short strands of hair I could've let my fingers slide through. I didn't hate that ponytail as much as I missed going through his hair, it felt like he didn't need me to comfort him like that anymore. 

"One more time," he murmured. I smiled as I brushed over the back of his head, massaging the base of his skull. 

"I love you. I need you. I can't breathe without you, without you I feel incomplete." I felt his breath pass over my skin, followed by another deep, warm puff of air. 

"Ragnhild, I..." 

"I love you. I need you. I can't breathe without you, without you I feel incomplete." He pulled me even tighter, letting out a breath that could have been a sob.


	9. Day 9

"You're amazing," I whispered, eyes still closed as I bit my lip. Bjorn chuckled softly, pulling me close. He smelled like me. "You haven't woken me up like that in ages."

"Well, we did decide that we'll be getting a baby soon. That deserves some celebration, don't you think? When will we tell the twins?" 

"On the way back, I take it you want to be there to see their faces." I kissed him before he could answer, pulling him closer. He rose up, hung above me, pressed his groin to my thighs. 

"I can't wait to tell our friends. They will be so happy for us..." He breathed in my ear, making my hands wander down his back. 

"Floki will know what happened as soon as he sees us," I said as I squeezed Bjorn's ass. It made his lips part, he was eager for me to reciprocate. So was I. 

"He'll shut up until we tell the twins." Bjorn seemed convinced of it, but I knew how bad Floki was with secrets. He could keep them if it mattered to the kingdom, but something happy as this... 

"He'll spoil it all, and you know it. We should tell the twins before he sees." 

"He swore an oath to keep his mouth shut, I knew what I was doing when I asked him to help me. Besides, I heard him leave already, he's... Saying goodbye." 

My mood dropped immediately. I'd been so busy with myself I'd completely forgotten about the friend we were about to lose, to be sacrificed to the gods. 

Bjorn sighed and let himself fall beside me, putting an arm around my waist. 

"Don't blame yourself," he said, staring at me as I glanced to the side. "It's part of this." 

"I know, but that doesn't mean I have to agree." I turned to face him, kissing his chest. "It's been such a wonderful week, and now... I don't like how it has to end with this." 

"You do. There's about five reasons going on in your head as we speak, don't try and hide it." 

"How do you cope?" As I looked up his face changed into one of calm. His fingers brushed down from my ear, then followed the flow of my collar bone. 

"I know what prosperity it brought me, after I saw Leif get sacrificed. It brought me you, and the twins. How can I think that was not due to his sacrifce? Did they not give me back all that you are to me just this week? 

"The gods still demanded things from you," I insisted. "What about Rollo, and your father?" 

"You can't know what else would have happened if Leif hadn't sacrificed himself. We can't risk it, having one of our own sacrificed means we will be favored by the gods. You know this, we've talked about this plenty." He was running out of ways to tell me. I felt his frustration in his gentle touch, an almost grasping motion in my hair. He wanted to cling at me, keep me close out of fear of losing me. 

"My head knows, but my heart..." 

"I think it's the other way around, this time." He kissed me on my forehead, pulled me closer. His chest comforted me, as did his smell, his warmth, his hands sliding through my hair and over my skin. "Your heart knows, but your head tries to solve a problem that isn't there." 

He might be right. I believed the gods were real. I knew it, even my head knew, after all that had happened this week how could I not believe? 

"I've seen so much this week, there's so much I want to talk to you about. The gods, they... There was this... During that show I went to with the twins, something... And then later when you found me in front of Odin, I..." 

"I think you should mull this over for yourself for a while, see what it means to you most of all. Not everything has to be explained, and I'm sure it can wait for a bit longer. Remember, the gods are something you feel, not something you know. You have nine years until we're back here, take all the time you need to figure it out." 

It felt like a promise, that we would make it until then. That we would hold on, against the odds that sometimes seemed to be stacked against us. I needed it to be true, I needed him to say things like this more often, I needed him to convince me I wasn't insane for wanting to be with him. I was helpless. 

"Never stop loving me," I breathed, kissing his warm skin as he stroked my back. "I can't survive here without you, I still need you to tell me what to do. What matters, and what doesn't. Promise me." 

Before Bjorn could answer the door almost broke down, accompanied with a lot of scuffling and panicked voices. Both of us shot up, knowing this wasn't just people interrupting. 

"Auntie! Are you in? Come quick, we need help!" Ubbe didn't sound panicked, more... Demanding. Like he was in charge. I got up and put on a dress, giving Bjorn a curious look as he followed me out to the hall. 

"What is it?" I called out before I even made it past the screens. As soon as I saw the boys, I knew. Ivar had broken something. 

"A finger. He won't let us touch it," Ubbe said. He even looked the part of a concerned older brother, not a trace of panic on his face, either. Hvitserk kept stealing glances to see what to do or feel, he wasn't sure how to respond yet, while Sigurd immediately joined my side. I sat down beside Ivar, but he held his injured hand close to his chest. 

"Ivar?" I brushed over his head, trying to coax him into looking at me, but he kept staring ahead. He looked mad, not in pain. He'd broken bones so many times before, he'd become immune to most pain. Usually it involved his legs, though. For some reason he broke those more often than other body parts. 

"I want Vinh to do it," he muttered. 

"She's back in Kattegat, you know that. Can I at least see?" I held out my hand, and with eyes so narrow they were almost closed he put his hand in mine. It was his index finger, but I wasn't sure if it was broken. There was only a tiny bit of swelling. 

"Oh, such a shame," I sighed. "I suppose we could wait for you to get back home, but I'm not sure if there will be a finger left." 

"Is this the time to be firm with him?" Bjorn asked in Dutch. 

"The best there is," I responded, not bothered by the questioning looks the boys gave us. "So, Ivar. What's it going to be? Will you let me take care of it, or will you risk losing your finger?" He grunted, sounding like a puppy, then held out his finger again. 

"Don't make it hurt," he said, already bracing for the flash of pain he knew would come. 

"I will do my best, as always. Can you move it?" 

"Barely. It hurts here." He pointed at the swollen joint. This would be a fun couple of weeks, if the joint was broken it might just result in a loss of movement. It looked to be just a contusion, though. "Aren't you going to set it?" 

"Is that what Vinh always does?" Ivar shot me a curious look, not knowing what to make of my questions. It made me fairly certain that Vinh always assumed it was a break and would treat it accordingly. Just what had she put Ivar through all those times? Did she even see him for all he was? I had to suppress a shiver at the thought of her pretending to care about Ivar just to cozy up to Aslaug. 

"Yes. It's broken, why are you taking so long?" 

"There are so many different ways to break something, I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing here. I don't want to hurt you, Ivar." He looked troubled, as if he hadn't expected me to say something like that. "But you do know your pain best, you know if this is worse or equal than usual. Do you feel like it should be set? Can you feel any jagged edges, like with your legs?" 

"Just do it. It hurts." 

I really didn't want to hurt him more than I had to, but I was afraid of him not wanting me to help him. If it was a contusion as I thought it would only hurt, not cause any damage, and if it was a break... Doing something was better than nothing, or so I hoped. 

"If you say so..." I carefully took hold of the tip of his finger. He didn't deserve to hurt like this, to feel this amount of pain and think it was just part of life. If I could, I would've taken his burden upon myself. "I'll pull on three, okay? So you'll know when to brace." He sighed, winced, then agreed. "One..." I pulled on the joint, causing Ivar to yelp. 

"You bitch!" It was a reflexive call. Ivar was already staring at his finger in wonder, carefully touching it. "You said you wouldn't pull until three," he said as he wiggled it around, barely looking hampered. It must have been a nerve that got stuck, or some localized cramping... 

"But I promised to make sure it wouldn't hurt." It was one of the oldest tricks in the book, or so I thought, but not one Vinh had ever heard about. As long as the muscles were relaxed when I pulled, it didn't hurt as much. 

"But you never lie..." He stared at his finger in wonder. "It hurts less than when Vinh does it. How do you even know how to do that? She told me you were useless." Bjorn shot me a warning look. 

"I know a lot of things," I said with a tiny smile. "Now. I think you deserve a story, for letting me help you in the first place." 

"Flying boats?" He cast me a curious look, no doubt wanting to ask me to tell all nine parts. 

"Even better. I ran into an ulfhednar, and he made me remember a story from back home. One I've never told a soul." Now the other boys were curious as well. Even Bjorn sat down, grabbing some ale for Ubbe and Hvitserk as well as me. 

"What's it about?" Ivar asked, feeling rather smug about getting the honor of a new story. 

"About a wolf, which is what made me remember the story, and a boy about your age, which makes me want to tell you." 

"Is it like the one about Mogi?" 

"Mowgli. No, this one's special. The boy was raised by humans, and he had developed a terrible sense of humor. You see, he lived in a town that looked a lot like Hedeby, with thick walls surrounding it. But the boy liked to go out to the woods, and in a tall and mighty oak, he had a cabin. His family worried for him, so they made sure he had a horn with him at all times, so he could call for help if he ever needed it. 

"The family was right to be worried, because the boy would often forget about the time when he was playing in his cabin. And at night, the wolves came out to prowl. So the boy was told, blow the horn once when you forget about the time, and we need to come and get you. But if you ever see a wolf and we need to come rescue you, blow the horn twice." 

"That's ridiculous," Ubbe complained. "Why would they even let the boy out of the walls?" 

"Shut up Ubbe, this is my story." 

"As I said... The boy had a terrible sense of humor. The first time he forgot about the time, he blew his horn not once, but twice. The whole town was in an uproar, all kinds of people grabbed pitch forks, and swords, and torches, and they came up to the cabin with the family of the boy, intent to fight off all the wolves that were surely surrounding the boy. But all they found was the boy, free from harm, laughing his little ass off. 'You should see your faces!' he shouted, 'you look like you tried to run away from the wolves!' His family was upset with the boy, telling the townsfolk the boy had just made a mistake. They weren't happy to learn it had been a joke. 

"Not a week later the boy called out twice again, and again the whole town came up to save him, and again the boy was found laughing, rolling over the floor with a belly ache. 'You made it even faster this time! I counted, you got here ten seconds sooner!' The townsfolk gave the boy some pointed stares, but he didn't notice. His parents told the boy that he had to stop using the horn like that, or no one would come the next time. 

"The boy was eager to see if that was true. He stood by the cabin triumphant, arms in his side, daring his parents to repeat the same words. His family had come to save him again, as well as a few people from town. Again the parents were angry at the boy, but he was certain of their love for him." Bjorn hid his smile with a drink of ale, seeing where this story was going. I took a second to grease up my vocal chords myself, letting the tension rise a bit. 

"Don't leave us hanging," Hvitserk pleaded. "You're right before the good part, I can tell." 

"The boy knew his family loved him, and promised not to use the horn unless he needed to, like they had agreed. But still, sometimes he would call out twice, just to know how deeply his family cared, despite them finding him laughing every single time. First, his whole family had come out, his uncles and aunties, nieces and nephews, and his fierce brothers and sisters of course... until one day, only his parents responded to his call. 'You still love me,' the boy said. 'You came for me.' His father took in a deep breath and responded. 'Next time, I won't come. Perhaps the wolves want to be your friend, then. Perhaps they will love you.' 

"The boy was furious! The next day he called out again, twice, but no one came, not even his mother. He called out again, one blast, then a second. But no one came for the boy. Well... No humans. 'You pushed them all away,' the boy heard someone growl down below. He peeked over the edge and saw a giant wolf leaning up against the tree. 'No matter how much you blow that horn of yours, no one will come now.' The boy saw how the wolf threw back his head and howled twice. 

"The wolf only howled like that when he had found a tasty snack to share with his family. And sure enough, before long other wolves joined him, and they all looked up at the boy with their tongues hanging out, drool dripping down on the floor. The boy was starting to get scared, and again he blew his horn, twice. But no one came. The wolves started to climb the trees, and the boy kept blowing his horn, but it was too late. The wolves ate him, and left only the horn behind. That is the story, of the boy who cried wolf." 

"That's the worst story ever," Ivar sneered. 

"I like it," Sigurd said. His other brothers agreed. Ivar stared at them, feeling very self-conscious all of a sudden. 

"It was supposed to be a story for me." 

"Why don't you like it?" I asked. "What's wrong with it?" 

"His family is supposed to love the boy, and then they left him behind to the wolves." Exactly the reason I'd chosen the tale. If he saw the comparisons with his own life, that meant the message might sink in. 

"He took his family for granted," Ubbe said. "You can't expect them to drop everything to come and save him every time he plays a joke." 

"I don't take you for granted!" Ivar wanted to crawl off, but I put a hand in front of him. Touching him now would be a mistake. 

"Ivar? Do you feel the story is about you?" 

"I know what usually happens to children like me," he spat. 

"Yes, and it's a terrible fate. But there are those that will come to your aid when you need them. We want you to grow up big and strong, so you can take care of yourself, so you won't be dependent on others all the time. And we'll always be here for you if you need us." 

"Mother takes care of me, if you don't want to help me I'll just ask her." 

"You're not listening," Bjorn said as he got up. He picked up Ivar and set him back at his place at the table. "Any one of us could be attacked by wolves at one time. We would come to help you if that happens. Would you come to help us, in whatever way you can?" 

"I can't help you, I'm crippled." Ivar was sad. He hid it, behind walls, and anger, and violence. But at the heart of it all, he was sad, and rightfully so. 

"I won't lie to you, Ivar. You were dealt a cruel fate, and yes, there are plenty of people who had rather see you die. But you got a chance, to prove everyone wrong. You got a chance to show just how capable you are, not despite your legs but because of them." I wanted to tell him about what I could do for him, but that would mean Aslaug would try and kill me for real. The kingdom needed stability more than that Ivar needed crutches. I had to hold onto that thought. 

"You're just saying things. Stop lying." 

"I'm not lying. I'm just repeating what Ragnar once told me." Ivar's eyes slowly turned to face me. "He knew where your strengths lie. They're in here," I said as I tapped his temple, "and in here." I touched the ribs above his heart. 

"I... I don't get it. Why are you telling me this?" 

"Because you deserve to know. I care for you, Ivar, we all do. We want to make sure you know that." 

"But I can't do anything in return." 

"You could stop giving knives to the twins," Bjorn offered. "I'm still very disappointed about that." 

"I don't like it when you tease me," Sigurd added. 

"Does that sound fair?" I said quickly, I didn't want everyone to start hacking into Ivar now he was so close to a heartfelt promise to do better. 

"I'm sorry I called you a bitch earlier." He said it so soft I had to strain to hear. 

"Apology accepted. How is your finger feeling?" 

"Better," he admitted as he held it up. It seemed like the swelling wouldn't last as long as usual. Vinh truly was an idiot. "It doesn't hurt as much as when Vinh does it." 

"I'm glad to hear it. Now, I know we still have a ceremony to go, but you and your mother will be leaving in the afternoon. Do you need help collecting all those knives you hid around the house?" Ivar flushed, then nodded his head. I put a careful hand on his face, telling him not to feel bad about it. The boy leaned into me, wrapping his arms around me. 

These kinds of displays of affection were rare from Ivar. I held him gently, feeling him clutch my dress with one and a half hand. 

Bjorn shot me a hesitant look. I was wondering the same. Just how long would this change of mind last, if he was about to be on a boat with Aslaug for close to three weeks? 

"We have to get ready," Bjorn said as he came to his feet. He put a hand on my shoulder. "The gods wait for no man." 

"I know. I'll be right there, go get ready." I didn't want to leave Ivar alone as he was going through his feelings. Him showing this kind of emotion at all was rare enough. 

"Mother said you had to get my things packed," Ivar said as he took his distance again. Aslaug knew I didn't have time for that, not if I only found out now. 

"I have to get to the ritual in a bit, all of us should. Maybe your brothers can help you get your things, I should get changed." 

Ivar looked disappointed. He let himself slide off the bench and crawled off. He made me feel bad about telling him I couldn't, even though he could have told me sooner. He made his way over to Ubbe, who was already gathering Ivar's stuff. He had overheard our conversation. 

I went to the back, watching Bjorn put on a clean shirt. I saw the scars on his back less than I felt them. They spoke to me, asked me to thank him for the protection and security they gave me. I reached out, feeling the hardened skin where the wounds had been burned, the softer silver ones that came from cuts. 

"We don't have time for that," Bjorn said as he pulled the shirt over his head, hiding the skin from my lips. I let my hands drift down to his ass, but before I could reach he turned around. "Honey?" 

"I just want to touch..." 

"You want to distract yourself. Get changed, we'll take all the time you need after." He was right, I knew it but I didn't like it. 

"It's not fair how you always keep me from making love to you," I muttered. Bjorn snorted, rightfully so, then pulled on the lacing of my dress. Our lips met, then our tongues, then his hands pulled up my skirts. I moaned, wanted to throw my arms around his neck, but he pulled the dress over my head. 

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?" I asked. 

"I'm getting you ready, yes." 

"I'd rather you get me off." 

"I'd rather not anger the gods. You got me this title, if anyone is to blame for us needing to leave it's you." I bit my lip, brushed up against his body, but he was serious. I gave him a look and turned around to get my one clean dess. Bjorn smacked me on my ass as soon as he could reach. 

"Hey!" I turned around, seeing Bjorn laugh with his eyes. 

"I just wanted to touch," he said, following me over. He let his hands slide over my skin as I bent down. "I always want to touch you." 

"We'll have to hurry, though," I said as I picked up the dress, taking my sweet time getting up again. Bjorn knew just where to let his hands wander to make me pause. I let a moan slide as I got upright. "Fuck... Oh, I hate those little shits. Why did they have to come in when they did?" 

"They're doing what you told them to do," he replied as I gasped, feeling his fingers slide through my folds. "I'll get you to listen to me afterward." He withdrew, leaving me thirsty for more. 

"Asshole," I cursed as I put on the dress. Bjorn wiped off his hand and took my face in his hands, his eyes serious again. 

"I won't be able to comfort you once I've started. Will you be fine?" 

"I'll be fine if I have the twins with me, I can be strong for them." 

"Let's get going, then. We don't want to be late." Nodding, I let him take hold of my arm to guide me out. With the boys in tow, Ivar's stuff shoddily packed but at least ready for transport we made our way up to the temple again, where people were waiting for us already. They had left the stairs free this time, and I knew it was because Bjorn would need to have a path to descend when he would bless the entire gathering. 

Floki and Helga had taken the twins all the way to the top, as they had promised. I smiled at them as I joined by their side, standing as close to the sacrificial slab as was allowed by the priests. The boys gathered around their mother, Sigurd giving me a pining look as I caught his eye. 

There was no fire, or much ceremony to start everything off. Bjorn set to work, his face grave, as I held the twins close to me. I was fiercely proud of him, seeing how much of a king he was. I was proud to call myself his queen. 

The cows were easy to watch, as were the sheep, chickens, and pigs. The drums and bells brought upon a trance, making it hard to tear away my eyes. The twins in front of me had the same. The owls were strange to see, as I'd never even seen an owl in broad daylight before. Then the goats followed, and the rabbits. So much death... But the blood meant nothing to me. Was it limited to humans? Or was I simply too entranced to feel the bloodlust? 

After the rabbits, only the boars were left before the humans would lie down on the blooded slate in front of Bjorn. The priests kept the first boar in place, and Bjorn raised his fresh, clean blade up towards the skies. Every species had a different sword, even though they all looked the same. They all slit through flesh and bone with death in their wake. 

"In the presence of the gods, and in their honor, we sacrifice this creature." The head came clean off. Something was bothering my husband. 

I awoke from my trance because of it. I couldn't do anything to ask or support him, not when he refused to look in the eye as he went through the other boars. 

"Dad looks dangerous," I heard Siggy whisper to Thormund. I nudged her to keep silent, wondering if the people behind us had awoken from the trance as well, what this meant to the sanctity of the ceremony. Bjorn went through the boars fast, and by the ninth boar his blade was slaked. He himself was drenched in blood as well. 

It was time. The drums fell silent, and aside from a bird singing no one dared break the silence. Bjorn looked down on all of us, his eyes lingering on me and the twins. I nodded, encouraging him. I was proud of him, for doing so well, though I did worry about what had bothered him. It took a certain strength to sacrifice a human, willing as they were. It might just be that he regretted having to sacrifice a close friend. 

To my surprise Bjorn extended a hand to me, beckoning me to come closer. Why would he want me up there with him? Nervously I approached, wondering if this was normal. Judging by the murmur that rose from the crowd, it wasn't. 

He took my hand in his, guided me to stand beside me. I knew better than to ask what this was about. The first man was already waiting to die. At a signal of the head priest he lay down, then he signaled for me to go to him. As I recognized him, the man formerly known as Arne reminded me of my promise to bless the gathering. Fuck. Another thing I had completely forgotten about. I should've kept a diary to make sense of everything that had happened here. 

I figured I needed to bless the man on the slab, otherwise I wouldn't have been asked to join at this point. The man didn't fear death, but he did wonder. His eyes were pointed towards Ymir's skull, the soft white clouds in the sky reflected in his eyes. He didn't shake, or suffer. He was at peace, just a little nervous. 

"Will I reach Valhalla?" His voice was a broken whisper, he was more nervous than I thought. They weren't impervious, these brave, valiant men. They just hid their emotions better than most, that was all. It was good to be reminded of that, though I could have picked a better moment. This man was about to die in front of me, his blood would flow... 

"Are you not prepared to die with honor? Do you not feel the presence of the gods?" I put a hand on his chest, right over his heart. "They are waiting for you." I softly put my lips to his forehead, then stepped back. Bjorn got handed a clean sword and took a deep breath. 

"In the presence of the gods, and in their honor, we sacrifice this brave man." He slit the jugular vein with a lethal precision. The man died in a few seconds, barely feeling pain. His body was carefully lifted, and Bjorn took the intermission to put a hand on the small of my back. 

"They insisted," he breathed as we watched the body being drained of as much blood as they could without making it disrespectful. I closed my eyes for a second, then opened them to see the crowd in front of us. It looked daunting; it was nothing I had ever seen before. People were craning their necks, a murmur rising up as those below caught on what was happening. I saw Aslaug, and the boys, Helga whispering with the twins, Floki grinning as he saw me standing. Behind them Harald and Halfdan were, making me stand up tall. 

"I'll curse them later." The second man was brought forth, his eyes trained on mine as he lay down. I stepped forward, putting a hand on his chest. His heart was trying to escape. 

"I made a mistake," he whispered. "Help me." 

My heart went out to him. It was too late. Even if there could be found a replacement, he wouldn't have a life left if he chose to run for it now. No one would dare look him in the eye. I could only calm him down and make him seem braver than he was. Letting him go would not only shame him and the gods, but me as well. The gods were testing me, they wanted to see if I could put my money where my mouth was. There was no escaping this, I would feel responsible for the part I had in this man's death for the rest of my life. It was better than losing my standing, cursing my children to live a life with my dark shadow as a coward cast over them. The kingdom came before personal gain, before my own well being. Only now I felt the weight of those words. 

"There is nothing to fear. This is Loki playing a trick on you. Thor stands beside you to keep you safe. Odin awaits for you with a great feast." He took a deep breath, searching my eyes for an answer. I kept my eyes firm, my fingers sliding over his rib cage. If I could make him feel strong the way I made Bjorn feel, I would. 

"You wouldn't lie to me..." He focused his eyes on the sky above, but his lip was shaking a bit. He'd not get any more ready. I kissed his forehead, then stepped back again. Bjorn must have sensed what was going on, as he didn't waste any time after he spoke the words. All I heard was the prattling sound of his lungs pressing out air through the bloody slit in his neck, he had held his breath as he had died. Bjorn had either moved too fast, or he had seen a panic there and had kept it from getting worse. 

"That could've gone worse," he whispered as he stepped back. The way he stood close to me, I knew he wanted to nuzzle my neck and wrap his arms around me. He knew how hard it was for me to see that happen, to be this intimately involved with all of it. I could only stand by in amazement as I saw just how strong he was for worrying over me before the gods, how much he loved me despite the unspoken rules that kept him from comforting me. 

"I'll never forget his fear," I whispered back. Bjorn pulled his shoulders back a bit. He was pissed at the priests, to the point he wanted to hurt them physically. It was his tell in a fight, Ubbe loved using it against him. 

The third man was hard to see sacrificed for an entirely different reason. I recognized him. He wasn't from Kattegat, but he had come to me for advice a few days back. He beamed in confidence. 

"Thank you for showing me the way," he murmured. "You truly are a gift from the gods, sent to guide us all." 

"The gods are ready," I replied with a confident smile. My lips found his forehead. Despite my easy smile, I felt my heart weep for him. His name was Ingmar, he had lost his entire family to disease and struggled to find the meaning of his life now. I told him to look for the best way to help his community, and this had been his answer. 

Bjorn's sword was sharp like a razor. Blood clung to it like glue after three offerings. He looked grave, and pensive. Despite the glory and honor this brought, he knew the gravity of what he was doing. Right now, he was the one holding the fate of all of us in his hands. The gods were watching, and he had to be flawless. I doubted I would ever be able to handle such pressure the way he did. It made me think of Aslaug's words, that for some things you had to be born Viking. As much as I resented her for saying those words, they might have been true after all. 

The fourth man asked me if his brothers were waiting for him, and the fifth asked me if I was a goddess. The sixth was from Kattegat. 

Never in my life had expected it to be Torstein. He had a young family to take care of, two wives, and three children by now. His wives had stayed back, part of me wondered if this was his way of getting out from under the life he had never wanted to begin with. 

"Are you disappointed?" he asked as he lay down. He knew me well enough to realize what my surprised look meant. He looked well, despite it all, freshly washed and groomed, his hair not caught in greasy strands. For once, he looked like he did before, and for just a moment I could see how ending it like this might have seemed the best way to go. 

"It is not my judgment you should worry about," I said as he looked up towards the sky, as if to find the gods there. I should've spent more time with him. He had been there when Ragnar had traveled to Lindisfarne for the first time, and ever since he had been a loyal friend and ally to Ragnar, and then to Bjorn. They had saved each other's lives, Torstein had fought for Kattegat and thereby for me and the twins, I owed him so much more than I knew. I was so grateful to him already, and here he was yet again... 

"I made a promise once, to Leif." Leif... The last man to get sacrificed here. The one that had died instead of Athelstan. Had I really benefited from his sacrifice without knowing? How much of a blessing would Torstein be able to bestow upon us? How strong was he, to love those around him more than he loved himself? How could the gods not reward a man like him? 

How could they not want him to live amongst us, show us all how to live and love? 

"I trust you know what is best for you and your family." He nodded gravely, then closed his eyes as he waited for my lips to touch his face. As I bent over for his kiss, I was the one that had to keep from shaking. Torstein opened his eyes as I drew back, giving me a comforting look. He was so much better than me, in so many ways. I was truly in awe of him. 

Bjorn gave Torstein the slightest nod, then said the words. The blade went through with ease, swift even, but the trickle of blood next to Bjorn's legs as he lowered the blade told me how hard it had been for Bjorn. I put a hand to his back as he stepped back, knowing it couldn't have been easy to sacrifice a close friend like this. 

"He died well," I offered. I couldn't think of anything else to say. All of my mind was praying that the Valkyries stood by to take Torstein up to Valhalla. They had better prepare the best feast ever. 

"He had no choice," Bjorn whispered. My eyes slid over the crowd, but no one stood out to me as a possible culprit. Not until my eyes found the priests. I didn't want to let my eyes linger, so I turned back to Torstein's body. 

The sight of him made my face warm up. I got beyond angry, the pulse of my blood making my skin feel swollen. My veins felt three times their normal size. My sight didn't blur as much as it was hard to focus on Torstein's face. Every inch of me felt hot, searing, ready to lash out at whoever was closest. No matter what I did I needed everything to go faster, I needed to destroy. I needed blood to rain from the sky, if only to fit my mood. Nothing could ever feel good or right ever again. 

My eyes kept focused on the slab when they carried off Torstein's body. Some blood clung to his skin as they hauled him off, desperate to stay close to where it belonged. As Bjorn nudged my arm I glanced up, my eyes catching those of Arne. The breath was knocked from my lungs. 

Would anyone be able to stop me, if I took over Bjorn's blade like before and would strike down the priest? Would his blood pay for the vengeance in my heart, or would I need to strike down more to settle this urge? A soft sigh left my lips, speaking of a longing to feel blood running through my fingers. It could almost feel like justice, and not just very bloody murder. 

I held back. The next man was already waiting, lying in the blood of our friend, an earnest expression on his face. 

"The gods are watching," he whispered. 

"They hear and see all," I replied, forcing myself to sound calm. It made him frown even more. 

"You don't understand. They see here." The man reached out to my arm, not quite touching, not quite in sight of those on the other side of the slab. "They see you. I had to tell you. All will be well now." As I withdrew from the kiss, he smiled. At the least his strange behavior pulled me out of my bloodlust. 

I could see why, when I gazed at him a last time, my hand on his chest. His pupils were dilated, though his heart rate was steady. He was under the influence of something, most likely drugs. Would the gods still look kindly on his people after he got sacrificed? On us all? I had no idea where he hailed from, or what his name was. 

The man still smiled as Bjorn slit his throat, his eyes strangely peaceful. I wanted to glance back at Arne, but I kept my eyes forward. My mind was reeling, fingers twitching as I fought the bloodlust widening my veins. The first flash had been worst, equal to how I felt when I'd wanted to kill Frida, and the Lawgiver. It had been so long since it had been that intense... 

The other two men died valiantly. My mind was elsewhere, caught between the need to kill Arne and see how I would feel if I glanced at Aslaug now. It didn't matter, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it even if I could. 

Bjorn handed off the sword, then picked up the bowl that had caught the blood of all the sacrifices, at least a few drops from each. A priest handed me a bundle of twigs to use for spattering blood on all those gathered. It seemed so meaningless, so mundane. This had been calm, not violent at all. Bjorn had done well, but some part of me believed the gods craved more. They craved true spillage, not courage but strength. Perhaps next time... 

Bjorn dipped two fingers into the huge bowl and smeared it over my face, going from my forehead to my left cheek. I leaned into his touch, wanting him to take me in his arms instead. The blood dripping down my face only made me want to tear into the priests more, it incited me to get more on my face but now by my own doing. They had stolen Torstein away from us, somehow. For that they would have to pay, one day. I would settle the debt. 

I took over the twigs from a priest, hiding my reluctance to even be around them. Bjorn kept his eyes open as I lightly blessed him, wondering what was going on with me. I couldn't tell him about this, it would tear us apart again. 

Together we blessed the priests that stood behind us, then slowly made our way down the stairs. Those blessed followed us down, creating a large following that Bjorn and I were slowly leading down as the priests prepared the offerings to hang upside down to drain all the leftover blood from the corpses. It was a long and slow procession, and I was glad not to be carrying the bowl filled with blood. I would have been terrified of throwing it at someone's face. My knuckles turned white just from holding onto the twigs. 

I blessed Harald, and Halfdan, the people that had come with us from Kattegat, the earl of Århus, in Denmark. Vilhelm and Vilmar, the twins who both became earl. Lars, who looked ready to kill me after spiriting his sister away. His anger was a candle to my forest fire, something he saw as our eyes locked. Some Sami from the future Finland came next, then a few Viking from western Russia. Their leader had remained behind, much to my relief. To hear them tell it, he just might have been a match for my bloodlust. 

When we finally reached the end of the stairs and everyone important enough to warrant a personal blessing had received it, Bjorn put down the bowl on a wooden stand. I added the bundle of twigs next to it and turned to face him. All around us people were swarming past, off to say goodbye or get drunk for the last time while they still could. 

"I'm not even surprised you did so well," he said, his hands framing my face. I held onto his wrists, clinging to him for support as I forced my breathing to stay calm. The deliberate slow walk down away from the priests had taken off the worst of the edge, but some still lingered. "I'm proud of you." 

In the background I heard Helga talking to the twins, she sounded like she knew Bjorn and I would need a moment to ourselves. I thanked her silently, despite the whirlwind going on inside my mind. If she'd been the one to be sacrificed... Floki would never allow it, he'd sooner die himself. And if he were to volunteer... Helga wouldn't let him, ever. 

"I'd never let you down. You did amazing." I stood on my toes to reach his lips with mine. In the background music started playing, a familiar wordless tune. It did nothing to clear the gravitas off me. 

Bjorn pulled me in, deepening the kiss. I had agreed to blessing the festival as the priest had asked on the first day, but back then I had been ignorant of the gods, all of us had been. I had brought this upon myself, and now I needed Bjorn to comfort me, to help me survive here. He needed to calm the bloodlust inside of me. 

"I need to know," I whispered as he let go. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes. If I couldn't see it, it wasn't there. "What happened with Torstein?" Bjorn seemed reluctant to answer. He pulled me off to the side to give the others room to bless themselves and their loved ones. 

"The priests told me you were breaking your oath. You promised them you would bless the festival. They wanted you included in the ceremony just now, and they refused to let just anyone from Kattegat sacrifice himself." 

"What?" What kind of bullshit was that? It was an honor to be sacrificed, but it wasn't like people fought each other over it. Most people had family that depended on them, friends that relied on their help. 

"They said they wouldn't accept the offer I had proposed, so they chose Floki. I..." Without Floki, we would be in deep shit. He was the best boat builder around, anywhere. Even if we could find a new one on short term it would set our plans back years. 

"Torstein offered himself instead? For..." 

"He knew how much it means if we're successful. He wanted Kattegat to prosper, and help make all of us famous. He did it for all of us." The bigger picture. He had taken the gods into statecraft, something I was still very much against. I didn't know if knowing this calmed me down or made it all worse. 

"The priests shouldn't have forced you into anything," I said, wanting to take a step back. 

"I don't blame you," Bjorn said as he tried to pull me close. My eyes shot up, seeing he hadn't expected me to be angry. 

"They have no right interfering like this, they do not speak for the gods," I snapped, barely keeping my voice down to a whisper. 

"I know, but I couldn't very well go against them when they told me. I know exactly how angry you are." His face showed the same resentment I felt. If this had been played on us by anyone else the priests would have had another thing coming. But as things stood, we couldn't do a thing. The priests had the high ground, they could abuse their power all they wanted. 

"Don't hold all her blessings for yourself," Harald called out. We looked up, seeing him walk up to us, not bothering to acknowledge we were having a private moment. "I'm off to prepare for our joined venture. I was hoping to receive a blessing to ensure safe passage." For that he needed to pray to Thor, not Freyja. 

"Did I not bless you already? There is such a thing as too many blessings." Harald just smiled. I refused to give in without a proper reason for me to do as he wished. 

"Are you hoping to feel her lips on your skin?" Bjorn raised an eyebrow, mocking Harald for his pettiness. He hid how he felt better than me, I was still scowling a little. 

"Every man hopes for that to happen," Harald pointed out. "But in my case, I hoped to lure you in, so I could pass on a message. One delivered to me by the gods." I thought it very unlikely he would get messages meant for me. 

"Then what is it?" I asked as I shifted my weight to one hip, crossing my arms in front of me. Harald drew closer, barely any distance between us. His voice gave me shivers as he whispered, my lip quaking. 

"Choose water over earth. The journey will be too hard on your body, and the moon will demand payment." 

For a second I was flabbergasted. Then I got angry, and confused. The payment to the moon referred to my period. But why would it be too hard on me to travel? Why could the gods want me to travel by boat? I had no desire to be stuck on a boat with Aslaug for two weeks. 

"Who told you that?" Harald glanced around for a bit, then came close again. 

"A young berserker. He looked to be a fledgling, but he was adamant." My eyes went wide. I had expected him to tell me it was Freyja, but this... What did a berserker have to do with fertility? 

"What? How did he look? Did he have blond hair?" 

"Yes, and a scar over the left side of his face. His mere presence made me wary. He reminded me of Vali, son of Odin." 

"Ragnhild?" I turned to Bjorn, who had barely heard a word. 

"I..." The Ulfhednar. The one I had asked if he was a god, to know so much of how to talk to the gods. The one to change his form in front of my eyes, a glimpse I hadn't fully processed yet. "Harald... Thank you for the message. I will take it to heart. Safe travels, my friend." I kissed his forehead, only barely reaching it as I stood on my toes. He nodded and went off in the direction of the second-best longhouse, looking satisfied. If he was right... If he did have that dream... Did I dare believe in the impossible? Had I not once thought the gods were impossible? 

Bjorn took my hand and guided me off. He knew there was something going on. Behind a tree he softly set me against the trunk, his finger gently brushing over my hair and neck to get me to come back to Midgard. 

"I think I met a god," I whispered, eyes big as I looked up at him. His eyes went wide as well, then worry set in again. 

"Freyja?" 

"No... He was disguised as a mortal man, he told me he was a berserker." Bjorn's eyes nudged me to continue. "He interrupted me as I was talking to Freyja, about..." I swallowed, hard. 

"Ragnhild..." His fingers softly brushed my neck, calming me down considerably. He wasn't mad, just worried. 

"I asked her to bless me," I breathed, my lip starting to shake. "I wanted... I still want a child, with you, but that man, he... And then my prayer, the lines that fell away, I - it can't be a coincidence, it... The gods..." 

"You're not making sense. I feel like you're trying to tell me three different stories at the same time." I tried to think of a way to tell him better, but it just might have been three different stories that had nothing in common other than that they had happened to me. 

"I think I'm not as barren as we thought." Bjorn's eyes flashed wide for a moment, his lips parting. He fell to his knees, taking my hands into his. 

"The gods have truly outdone themselves this time," he murmured. "I asked Freyr to bless us with another child. They favor us, both of us." He put his ear to my stomach, as if there was already something to hear. 

"Bjorn, please. I'm not sure yet. And even if I am, there's a real chance it might end before I reach three moons." His eyes lit up as he gazed at me. 

"The gods have made you doubt what you think you know. To me, that's a sign in and of itself. If you are not carrying my child yet, you will soon enough." He was right. One day at a time. We'd find out eventually, but the fact I had started to doubt if I was really still barren... 

Just yesterday I had copped a feel myself and realized it wasn't as ravaged as I thought it was. My periods had returned, small as they still were each time. The Ulfhednar I'd met, and now Harald... There were plenty of alternative explanations, but here, just now, I allowed myself to be happy. I'd bleed in a few days if I wasn't with child, but until then... 

"Harald told me to travel by sea. The voyage over land will be too much of a burden on my body, if..." It was impossible to speak of it with this much hope. If Bjorn and I hadn't talked about wanting another child just yesterday I would've blasted him for talking nonsense... And even for that to happen so many things had needed to be right in place, I... The gods... Bjorn, everything. This had to be true. 

"You'll go with Aslaug and Ivar, of course. If this is true... Gods, Ragnhild..." He hugged me, still on his knees. His head reached to just between my breasts. I felt tears stinging my own eyes, and I didn't bother hiding them. 

"I'm afraid to ruin it if I say it out loud," I whispered. "If - if this is true, Bjorn..." If something were to go wrong with this child... A sudden fear grabbed hold of me, the same that had followed me around when I was still unaware of Aslaug's premonition. "I - I mean I can't..." Bjorn heard the panic in my voice and jumped up to hold me against his chest. 

"Don't you dare go dark and twisty on me now. There is no reason to believe anything will go wrong. First we have to wait and see if this is actually true, let's not get ahead of ourselves. One day at a time." I let all of my fears flood into me one by one, gathering them together in a big, dark grey ball of sorrow. As I let them all go, I told them all to fuck off. In Bjorn's arms I felt safe. Another deep breath put me at ease again. If it wasn't for him... 

"I love you, Bjorn. No matter what happens next, I want you to know that." 

"I love you, too. My sweet Ragnhild... How could I ever stop loving you?" We stood there for a while, feeling things we couldn't put to words. When I lifted my head, Bjorn's lips found mine. He wanted to fuck me, right up against the tree. I felt it through his touches, and the way he breathed. For a moment I didn't care about anyone walking past. I let my hands wander as well, wanting to devour him. He was mine, the gods were on our side, we were unbreakable again. I felt it down to my every fiber. 

"Eww, gross!" 

"Break it off you two." The boys looked at us as if we were dirty, save for Ubbe. He just looked annoyed. "Mother and Ivar are about to leave." I'd almost forgotten. They left today, whereas the rest would stay until the morning. I had to get some of my things to take with me on the boat, if I was to be able to change into a clean dress halfway through. 

"I'll catch up in a bit, I have to go get some things." Bjorn was gone as soon as he said it. He must have realized all of my things were still strewn across the longhouse. That left me to tell the boys I wouldn't go back with them. I just hoped the twins had a better memory than me where the departure was concerned, or I would miss my chance to say goodbye to them. 

"I have something to tell you," I said as I looked at the boys. "The gods may have answered a prayer. I will be traveling with your mother and Ivar on our way back to Kattegat." Ubbe was the first to realize what I meant, if only because he had heard so much about it from me during the festival. He must have sensed something was going on, and if there was one thing worth keeping a secret... He knew how fickle the gods could be, and how much bounty they could spread. 

"No wonder you were trying to eat each other's face. I will pray for it to be true." He took me in a tight embrace, putting a hand on the back of my head as he pulled me close. I used to do that to him when he was still smaller than me, but now the tables had turned. The gesture made me smile. It made me realize Ubbe was truly ready to go raiding, to go out and do something for himself for once. He deserved to be the younger brother for once, and not be beholden to anyone else that depended on him. 

"What kind of prayer was it?" Hvitserk asked, his eyes shifting between me and Ubbe. 

"I don't know if it worked, but I have seen more than a few signs. I don't want to risk anything if I don't have to." 

"You're pregnant? Floki told us you would get another child soon," Hvitserk said. That fucking twat. Floki had kept his mouth to the twins but not the boys. I knew it. 

Sigurd looked more than a bit unsettled at the news. After how he saw me last time... I hesitated, then decided to tell him the truth anyway. He needed to be shown it wasn't that big of a deal, that it was something to rejoice at. Like Ivar he needed a firmer hand to get him through his childhood without too many scratches. 

I sank to my knees and looked up at the two boys who were still uncertain of what was going on. 

"I think I might be. I'll know when we meet again, after the trek. I'm a little hesitant to talk of it much further, I don't want to tempt the gods." Hvitserk's face lit up as he heard, turning to see how cheerful Ubbe was. For once Ubbe's adult expression didn't hamper the joy he felt, Hvitserk threw his arms around me, almost suffocating me in his joy. 

"This is awesome," he said to Sigurd, who was still unsure how to feel. "The gods are real, this is proof! Sigurd, can't you see? Auntie will get us a new sister!" 

"There's nothing to be afraid of, Sigurd," I said, coaxing him into joining the celebrations. He took a step to get into my range, then let me gently pull him in for a hug with his brother. "I wouldn't dream of leaving you behind, ever. In fact, I'll need your help more than ever. If I'm to have another child I will depend on you to help raise it right." 

"But the blood..." 

I sighed, feeling the joy being sucked out of the air. I knew his brothers had the same reaction, they didn't know what to say. 

"There will not be as much blood this time," I promised, not knowing if it would be true. "I will be fine. The gods have given me this child, then sent me a sign that I should be careful. Why would they do that, after all we've been through? The gods want us to rejoice, they have given me a gift." 

"But I don't want you to die," he whispered. 

"I won't bleed like before again, that time... It was different. I promise you, with all of my heart and the love I hold for you, I will not die in childbirth. The gods still need me to be awesome, remember? I won't die for a long time." From my periphery vision I saw Ubbe and Hvitserk grin as I said the words, hating how their childish description of my fate somehow stuck. If it would help calm down Sigurd for the journey ahead I'd have added a song and dance. "First we'll need to be sure I'm with child, I won't know until we see each other again. But if I am, I know I can count on you to help me while Bjorn is away. You and Hvitserk will have to make sure that I don't make any unnecessary risks when your big brothers are raiding." 

"Okay..." It was the best I would get for now. Hvitserk already stood up straight, glancing at Ubbe to make sure his brother had heard. He already felt responsible. 

"Come on, let's say goodbye to your mother and Ivar. And I'll give you a big hug too, of course." He clung to my neck even fiercer, already getting a big hug, but I didn't mind. I gave Aslaug enough credit to want to say goodbye to her sons, she wouldn't leave them behind without a word. 

We started walking towards the river. Sigurd's hand found mine immediately, it wasn't even a question after a talk like that. I wouldn't have time to say goodbye to a lot of people I wanted to see before I left. It was a small price to pay, for what could be. 

"So... If you are pregnant. Will it be a boy or a girl?" Ubbe asked. Some of the women in Kattegat were adamant about knowing because of the tricks they had pulled during conception, thinking that eating a pickled herring after sex would help carry a boy. 

"There's no way to tell yet." 

"I'd like it to be a girl," Hvitserk offered. "Siggy isn't like a real sister anyway." I had to hold back from cuffing him. 

"Excuse me?" He looked back in terror as he noticed I had stopped walking. 

"Well... She's not like most girls. She can't even keep her clothes clean for a day." He said it as if that made her worth less. 

"Siggy doesn't like being a lady like your mother is. Is she not a free woman, who can do what she wants? Who are you to tell her what to like or how to behave?" 

"It's your job to make sure she turns into a fine woman," Ubbe pointed out. 

"It's my job to provide her with all the things she needs to grow up into a strong woman who can protect herself, and who has everything she needs to make sure she will be happy." 

"But women can't be happy without a husband. She'll never find one if she keeps behaving like this." I took a deep breath to steady myself. Ubbe sounded like an old fart that thought he was right because he was oldest in the room. 

"Who gave you that idea?" I asked. 

"Mother told us. She thinks you're not raising her right." My face contorted a bit, despite the fact I tried to hide it. It had been a hot topic for us, but to drag the boys into it was just a low blow. She must have wanted to get revenge for me calling her a bad mother, if she told the boys this kind of crap. Ubbe noticed I didn't agree, his bravoure going down a notch. He moved towards Hvitserk, eager to form a block for protection. 

"Your mother only raised boys. She knows nothing about how different girls are, or what they need. Siggy will grow up to be a strong, independent woman. Men will be lining up to ask for her hand in marriage, and she will be free to marry for love, to a man who is worthy of her." 

"If you say so..." They only made it worse. 

"We will talk about this when we're back home. There is no reason for you to talk of her as if she will never be as good as you. Just because you don't understand women doesn't mean they are less than you." 

"That's not what I said," Hvitserk pouted. 

"You did. According to you, Siggy has to fit into your image of what a woman is supposed to be like, while you are not asked to do the same. That is not equal." 

"I just want her to be normal," he muttered. "We know how hard life can be when you're different like that." I forced myself to gloss over the fact he compared being a girl to being disabled. 

"Then look at her as if she is equal to you. She may be different, but that only means you can learn from each other." 

"That's what it's all about?" Ubbe asked as we resumed walking. "You're just setting her up to fail." 

"You're not even giving her a chance. Just because you have a wiener doesn't mean you know what's best for her." Sigurd giggled at the mention of the word wiener, opting to walk on my other side, away from his brothers. 

"But you can't force everyone to accept her as she is." 

"No, that I can't. She'll have to do that herself. But we can make it easier for her, if we let her find out for herself what she wants. There's no need to take away her choice before she is even aware there is one." Ubbe shook his head. 

"It's all about choices with you. Our lives are fated." I swatted his head, just enough to make him grunt. 

"That must have been fated. Why are you angry at me, if the gods decided that was to happen? I didn't have a choice." 

"That's not how it works." 

"Exactly. Some thing are fated, as you say, but others are not. The best way to live is to make choices with both your heart and your mind. Vili gave us free will and reasoning. What good would that be if all was fated from the beginning?" 

"But Floki always says..." He fell silent as he saw my face. 

"Do you want to believe what Floki believes? Or do you want to hear from all sorts of people, from the fishermen, and the nobles, and the farmers, and then make up your own mind what to believe?" 

"How come you always disagree with me on this kind of thing?" 

"Because the wisest thing to know is that you don't know anything. You just think you do, so you must always listen to people who have a different opinion. They might not always make sense to you, but they can teach you what is important to them, and what they see. I spoke to many people here, from all over Scandinavia. I learned a lot about the Sami, and the Danes. I know there is always more to learn." 

"What did you learn?" Hvitserk asked, recognizing the way out I was offering to him and his brothers. I didn't have time to explain the concepts of bias and gender roles and how they limited women between here and the boats. 

"Oh, many things... There is a town in Denmark, and it is surrounded by a wall, like the English towns. There's a place called Kattegat there, as well. I was taught a rather dirty song about a Sami having sex with a reindeer, and I learned the Sami are looked down on by most because they don't stay in one place but travel around. There's a town called Novgorod, and it's run by a man called Oleg. He is very cruel, and I am happy we do not live near him. Some of his men came here, though." 

"How can that be useful? Why bother learning that stuff?" Ubbe asked. 

"You tell me. What does it mean to you?" 

"That you're interested in other people." He wasn't feeling it. 

"The fortified town is a huge trade centre, like Hedeby. The merchants like it there because they feel safe and protected. If we were to fortify our town, we could get more even traders to come to our town. People renamed their own town Kattegat because they are envious of our success. Just to name a few things." 

"That is good to know," Ubbe agreed. We'd reached the boat, and the lesson was cut short. "You know more than I thought." 

"I could teach you some of it, if you want. Think on what you would like to know more about, and we'll see what we can do when we're both back." I put my lips to his forehead, almost feeling what went on in his head. 

"You're so fucking weird," he mumbled as he stepped away. "In a good way," he added as I raised an eyebrow. 

Hvitserk wrapped his arms around me next. 

"I'll be nicer to Siggy," he promised. 

"Just let her make her own decisions. You are right to care for her, but try and support her as she finds her way. Don't choose a path for her." 

Sigurd had remained mostly silent. He looked sullen, but tried to hide it. 

"I'll miss you," he told my feet. 

"Sigurd..." His eyes flitted up, looking up at me through his lashes. "Good things will come. You'll see." He didn't seem to believe me. 

"Why are you saying goodbye?" Aslaug asked as she joined us, pulling Ubbe and Hvitserk close. 

"She might be pregnant," Hvitserk said, his eyes wide with joy. Aslaug raised an eyebrow, smiling at me. Now she wanted to choose the high road. 

"Really, now? What made you finally realize? I told you days ago." 

"Don't try and shame me for not wanting to celebrate before I am certain," I said, not wanting her to walk all over me in front of the boys. 

"I'm not trying to shame you." 

"You just want to show how much better you are for knowing before I did. Like that is important right now." I bit back the rest, knowing I'd have to spend two weeks on a ship with her after this. 

"I thought you couldn't get pregnant," Ivar said. He looked at me as if I were mad. Aslaug must have told him all kinds of things since this morning. 

"So did I. I'm still not entirely sure, but it's better to be safe than sorry." 

"What kinds of signs did you see? Did the gods speak to you?" Ivar was eager to hear more, but I was more concerned with how Aslaug said goodbye to the boys and trying to spot Bjorn and the twins. I really didn't want to leave them without so much as a word. 

"We'll talk about it on the boat, we have to get ready," Aslaug said, eager to be off now that she'd said goodbye. Her concerns were justified, we had a tide to catch. "You didn't even pack, did you? Don't expect my women to collect your things for you." Most was already on its way, and I knew Bjorn would be more than happy to carry my bed roll back home for me, or just get me a new one if it was too much of a burden. 

"Bjorn is getting my stuff as we speak, and the twins. He'll be here soon," I said as I craned my neck, trying to see past the crowd. 

"What signs did you see?" Ivar was not used to hearing no, from anyone. Even as he was being hoisted aboard by his brothers he kept his focus on me. 

"I'll tell you all about it, but first I want to say goodbye to your brothers." 

"But you have to tell me!" 

"Ivar." He bared his teeth at my tone. "You will not push me around, you hear? I am not your slave, or your servant. Now, don't you want to say goodbye to your brothers?" 

He glanced at them, seeing their faces, but he was too upset to realize how badly he would miss them over the next two weeks until we met up again. 

"Bye." He turned around and crawled off to find a spot, making me sad that he didn't know how to handle rejection like this. 

"You have no right to chastise him like that," Aslaug spat. This was going to be a very long journey. She boarded too, not bothering to make it a long goodbye herself. I turned to the boys myself, feet still on the ground, taking in the three boys in front of me. 

They had been my whole life at one point, had kept me from wanting to leave this place again... And now they were growing up so fast. I could barely keep up with them, especially now the twins weren't as dependent on me anymore. And with another child on the way, maybe, perhaps... 

"I'll miss you," I told the boys as I let my fingers slide over my stomach. I'd have a new reason to stay in Kattegat for as long as I could, soon. "I was looking forward to hearing about all of your adventures here on the way back, I feel like we barely saw each other." Ubbe looked like he wanted to say he had seen his fair share of me, but held back. Hvitserk just showed his loving grin, knowing he would get to tell me all about it when we met again, and Sigurd... He smiled. I would leave him, but he smiled. 

"Don't worry auntie, I'll come up with the best way to tell you everything. You'll see." 

"We did drink the mead of poetry," I said loud enough for his brothers to hear. I caught them gaping, and I knew Sigurd would have a story or two to tell them along the way. Behind them I saw Bjorn heading towards us with some haste, the twins in tow. They must have heard from their father why I was traveling by boat, as they ran up to me to wrap their arms around me and started to shout at my belly. 

"You stay in there, you hear me?" 

"Yeah, you need to grow!" 

"Mom, is it a girl?" 

"It's going to be a boy, I just know it." 

"No, it'll be a girl! Not everyone is only giving birth to boys!" 

"But mom's awesome! She'll give birth to a boy!" 

"Actually..." My voice was enough to cut off their bickering. "I happen to know that there are slightly more women born than men. Out of every hundred children, fifty three are women." Siggy looked like she was winning already. "But I'm not even sure I am pregnant. So let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we? I should know more when we get to Norway." I would either bleed in a few days, a week at the most, and know for sure... I couldn't deny the increasing fluttering of hope I felt after all these hopeful reactions. 

A child... A new life, a new hope. One that would mean I was fertile again, and... 

So much could still go wrong. Even as Bjorn held me in his arms when we said goodbye, I couldn't not think of all the pain Kol's loss had meant to us. If that were to happen again, if I had to face that same decision again... 

Bjorn noticed something was wrong, but we couldn't talk about it with the children here. Aslaug was already impatiently clacking her tongue, eager to leave. 

"One day at a time," he told me. "Let's not worry about things that might not even be real yet." I didn't want to leave him. I needed to feel his warmth just a little longer. I needed to feel his calmness to keep from fretting. "I love you. If you think of anything when you have trouble falling asleep, think of that." 

"I love you, too. Take care, my love." 

"I love you more." 

"I love you most." I had to let go of Bjorn, for now. I filled the hole in my heart with a big hug from the twins, if only for a moment. 

"We love you, mom." 

"Yeah, you be safe. We'll take care of dad." 

"Then who will take care of you?" I asked with a smile. 

"We're five, we can take care of ourselves." Spoken as if I'd done them a great injustice by questioning their prowess. 

"Be careful, okay? And I meant what I said, no fighting until we're back in Kattegat. Let me talk to Thorfan." It only slightly dampened their mood. 

On the boat, Aslaug and Ivar had their thrones to rest on comfortably as we sailed on. I was more than happy sitting near the end, taking in the sights. Since Paris I hadn't been away from Kattegat for longer than a week, mostly for short travels, and always in the area. The strange trees and unfamiliar terrain were a beauty to behold. 

"Auntie?" I turned to face Ivar. "What signs did you see?" 

Finally I told Ivar of what I'd experienced, and about the strange conversations with the berserker. Aslaug was listening in as well, for lack of a better form of entertainment. She had been raised around her, the fjords here didn't hold any wonder to her anymore. 

"That's all it took to convince you?" she asked after I had finished. If anything, she looked bemused at my story. Ivar kept his eyes on me as he listened to his mother. "You're turning soft on us." 

"Normally you tell me to toughen up," I said, keeping a close watch on how Ivar responded to Aslaug and me bickering. 

"You've always been hard on the gods, and still they bless you with their gifts. I don't understand." 

"Floki would say it's not for us to understand the gods," Ivar said, much to my surpr. It seemed getting a rise out of Aslaug was just as good to him as any other. Or, just maybe, he had remembered the story of the boy who cried wolf. Some of it had stuck, on how we all needed to work together to better ourselves. 

"The gods work in mysterious ways," I agreed. "Though there are times I wonder how they judge us. Has Floki told you the story of how Skadi chose her husband?" Ivar's eyes went wide with delight. There was the part where Loki played tug-of-war with his genitals and a goat's beard... Of course it was one of his favorites. 

"I like the last part," he grinned. 

"The first part is most important, if you ask me. Skadi is told to choose based on the feet of the gods. Do you know why that is?" 

"She was tricked. Skadi meant to marry Baldur, but his feet weren't the prettiest." 

"She wasn't tricked, and neither were Njordr's feet most lovely. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as is someone's worth as a human. Some may think you are ugly because they only see your legs. Your mother and I see who you are on the inside, much like how Floki can see into a tree." 

"Ragnhild, stop spouting nonsense. Ivar is beautiful just the way he is." She was coddling him, trying to hide him from the pain of the world. It would only serve to cripple him further. 

"Can you really see inside of me?" Ivar was intrigued now. 

"Yes. You are strong, Ivar. Not despite of your legs, but because of them, like your father told me you would be." My words made Aslaug scoff and lean out of the conversation, focusing on the landscape all of a sudden. "I think you need to learn to channel that strength, then you will be able to move mountains." I got the feeling he was thinking of literally moving mountains. Aslaug shot me a dirty look, wanting me to shut up. For all the trust she once put in me to take care of her sons, Ivar and I were hardly ever alone. Ivar was never far from her, now that I thought back to just the past few days. At the least I encouraged Sigurd to go off with his brothers. 

"Ivar will do great things, and he doesn't need anyone's help for that," Aslaug said as if that won the argument. He lit up, having this much attention from us. He seemed oblivious to the fact Aslaug and I were fighting around him. 

"He will. But no man can navigate a ship by himself on an open sea." 

"You shouldn't get too excited. You don't want to lose your child, now do you?" 

"I can't imagine how talking to Ivar might anger the gods," I said, sounding slightly surprised. Aslaug wasn't the only one who could play dirty. 

"Yes, mother. I want to hear more. Auntie, what else do you think I could do?" 

"Oh, there's so much I don't even know where to start. You could help strategize, like I do for your brother. I could teach you what to look out for, and what kind of weapons are best for what battles. Or would you like to hear about battles that happened centuries ago, off in distant lands?" Ivar wasn't as enthusiastic as I had hoped. 

"I want to learn how to walk," he said as I threw him a questioning look. "I want to learn how to fight. Ubbe said you're letting the twins start training with weapons..." A sore point, indeed. Ivar was older, and Siggy was a girl at that. Even more painful were the plans I had to help Ivar get by without having to drag himself through the mud, he was strong enough in his arms to carry his weight now. A harness so he could learn how to ride a horse, or crutches and a lot of patience... But Aslaug forbade it. Had she not been here herself, she would have kept me away from Ivar at all costs. She was afraid I'd turn him soft, like Hvitserk and Sigurd. 

"You don't need to walk to be a son of Ragnar," Aslaug said sternly. "You will do amazing things, that I know." He would, indeed. If any of the future information from my brother was still true, Ivar the Boneless would conquer the whole of England. He would found Dublin. I just wondered how that was ever going to happen if he was kept on such a short leash by his mother. This was far from the picture that Jozef had sketched of how Ivar would be later in life. 

"I need to walk if I ever want to go raiding," Ivar shot back. It seemed like he was starting to try and break free from his mother, as every child needed to do eventually. I hoped Aslaug wouldn't take it as an insult. Ubbe had started around the same age as well. 

"You can't even handle being on a boat," Aslaug pointed out. 

"That shouldn't have to be a problem," I interjected. Ivar gave me a wary glance. "On my way to Paris and back, I puked my brains out, and not just because I was pregnant. It helps to sit as low as you can, in the middle of the boat. There's some herbs that help calm your stomach as well, but I'm not sure if we have those on hand. If I'd known about it I could've gotten you some." He shot a dirty look at his mother. Sitting on top of that giant chair had probably only made it worse. 

"He just needs to ride it out," she sighed. "You don't know everything, Ragnhild." 

"If auntie says it might work I want to try it." Aslaug was fiercely against the boys calling me their auntie, which was why the boys thought it was all the more fun. "Do you know how I could learn how to walk?" My eyes fell to his legs. They looked way better than I expected, thanks to my brother. The physical therapy was working, but Aslaug needed to keep at it. 

One look from Aslaug told me to drop the subject, or she would make my life into a living Helheim. She might just be a puppet, but she could convince a man of the fact I was willing to fuck whomever tried first because my marriage had faltered. I had to bite back my honesty. I'd done enough to get her to hate me these past few days, there was a limit to what I could do to her without severe repercussions. 

"I cannot give you new legs, Ivar. You have to realize that. Harbard gave you a great gift in that you barely have any pain anymore, and that we know what to look out for." He lost the small light that had come to his eyes. "But I'll think on it," I promised. "I'll try and figure out a way for you to get around easier." There had to be a way to convince Aslaug that Ivar needed to become less dependent on her. That was the only thing holding me back from making him crutches as soon as we got back. 

"Just like you always promise Sigurd he'll stop being afraid?" Ivar's eyes had gone cold, and hard. No child his age should be able to wear such an expression. 

"Just like I care for Sigurd, I care for you. I do my best for all of you, you know that." He shied away from my touch. Just as I could go dark and twisty, he could block out the world, brooding on his sadness until it turned to anger. 

"Her promises aren't like ours," Aslaug told him. "She's not from here, she was born somewhere they think rather lightly about oaths and promises." 

"I have no desire to fight you for the rest of the journey," I said as I turned to face the sea again, and the mountains that rose from the water. A shiver ran down my spine, making me reach for my stomach. I couldn't deny the gods had been amongst us. They were all around, and that berserker... Even the mead, and the strange woman who braided my hair. I would find out soon enough, if the gods had really guided me towards a pregnancy. And if they did, this one would be nothing like Kol's. 

I had to hold onto that, even as the warm feeling that coursed through my veins suddenly disappeared. We'd left Uppsala behind us. All I could do now was wait for the gods to let their will be known, and for them to reach out about my fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are! I've had so much fun working on this 'short' interlude that managed to get from 75 to 100K after I had started posting already. I hope you've had at least half the fun I had while reading it, as it will surely have been worth your while then. I've set up a few plot points for the coming part that starts off around the time Ragnar returns. 
> 
> I can't wait to see you all back for the 3rd part, which will come in a few weeks - if all goes according to plan.
> 
>  
> 
> I also want to warn you ahead of time - things will get even bloodier and more explicit. Some parts will be downright harrowing to read. Those will be warned for aside from the general tags, and as you know by now I am not using author's notes often; if you are triggered by rape you can rest assured that I have flagged off those two chapters where it is actually described. Don't let the tags of part 3 deter you when they come up, I will not let anyone run into it unaware. A short summary of what is important to know is given at the start of the following chapter. You can choose if you want to read it or skip it, without consequences for your understanding of the story.
> 
> The reason I chose to add the scenes was to showcase the damage it can do to a person. It's one of the worst things to ever happen to someone, whether male or female, and it is something that is not all that commonly found in mainstream literature. If I could have read about it in stories after it had happened to me, I would have been better for it. Back in March I started posting this behemoth in the hopes of helping even one person get through their issues as writing it helped mine and I intend to keep to that creed. I can assure you, I have put a lot of thought into it before I even started writing it and then again as I decided to keep them in the story. 
> 
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> 
> And to end on a positive note, a small preview of the story to come.
> 
>  
> 
> Ragnar had been gone for over ten years when I saw him standing in the old market square. The boys stood in front of him, getting yelled at. Sigurd and Ivar would barely remember him, to them he was just a ghost, a legend of the ages that happened to be their father. Ubbe and Hvitserk, however... 
> 
> They remembered. They had noticed how their father had slowly unraveled, recalled how he had been before he ever laid eyes on Paris, how he had come back afterward, then had come with the second time around. And I remembered how I had to comfort them after he had left, broken and defeated as I was. I'd been there to pick up the pieces as I broke down myself.
> 
> I had enough of this shitshow meant to impress the smallfolk. I couldn't find Bjorn in the crowd, so I turned around and went to get him. I hoped he would be at home, otherwise I could spend a day searching for him. Only the gods knew where he spent most of his time these days.


End file.
